Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Coming to terms with just having one child

39 replies

vitahelp · 31/03/2023 07:57

I have a 4 year old DD who is in Reception. I have been trying for a second child for almost a year with no luck. I found getting pregnant with DD very easy and it happened straight away so this has been a shock. We are mid way through tests, nothing flagged up yet.

I know a year isn't long in the grand scheme of things and it could well still happen, but it has been a tough experience and I am starting to try and come to terms with the idea that I might only have one child. I wondered if there is anyone else out there who has had to come to terms with this as well? It would be nice to chat.

I was an only child myself and had a wonderful childhood, but it was different as it was just me & my Mum for most of it and we formed a very close bond. Whereas the thought of both parents and an only child is harder for me to get my head round, it is almost like the child is out numbered by adults?

OP posts:

HistoryFanatic · 31/03/2023 12:41

Lcb123 · 31/03/2023 10:30

I think focus on your current healthy child, it’s not fair if you’re distracted with possible future children. Lots of people would love even one

You are allowed to want more than one. I have two IVF children and have just miscarried a natural pregnancy. At some point I hope we can have another.

Mammma91 · 31/03/2023 12:47

I have one lovely 3 year old little boy. Been TTC no 2 for upcoming 2 years, 4 early misscarriges later and I’ve accepted we are unlikely to expand our family. The physical and psychological damage done from the misscarriges can’t be reversed and I don’t want to try for a 6th pregnancy to loose that one too.
Its tough OP. I hope you are blessed with other children. My little boy is the happiest and sweetest boy, but he loves babies and is desperate for one of his own. I try to remember that although it’s sad, it’s opened up lots more opportunities for DS which he may not have had if he had a younger sibling x

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 31/03/2023 13:02

@HistoryFanatic , sorry for your loss.

@Mammma91, hopefully you will find that it gets easier as time goes on. At the stage you're at now, I was still grieving for the family that I had once imagined. It was difficult while others around me were having second children, and people inexplicably felt that they had the right to quiz me on when we were going to have another baby/lecture me on how dd really needed a sibling. It was hard.

However, that season passed and people stopped asking when we were going to have another one. I accepted that we were going to be a one child family and started to see the benefits. Now I wouldn't change it even if I could.

Occasionally, I still have pangs of regret. I adored being a mum to dd at every stage, and would have liked to do it all again. And I think that dd would have been an absolutely fabulous big sister. But perhaps she, and we, would have been different with a different family dynamic. Perhaps I would have enjoyed it less overall. We will never know.

Knowing what I know now, though, I wouldn't have it any other way than how it turned out. I am genuinely grateful for the twist of fate that decided we were one and done. I think it was the best possible outcome for us.

And much better for the planet too!

HistoryFanatic · 31/03/2023 13:18

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves Thanks.

Indianna2006 · 31/03/2023 16:26

@vitahelp
such an important topic but one that is so hard to get your head round if your intention was never to have one.
I always wanted more than one, never imagined having an only child. But after a difficult birth and lots of health issues. I spent 3 years trying to accept the fact I wouldn’t be able to have another child and my DD would be an only. I have counselling etc. and for the most part had accepted it. But would still get pangs of upset and jealously at announcements of second.

low and behold after 3.5 years my health improved and we decided to go for it. As I felt perhaps I could manage my health whilst pregnant. I really wanted my DD to only be 4 as it was already past my “ideal” age gap. But alas it took us a year to fall pregnant. And then I then miscarried that pregnant. But then fell much quicker 3 months later. So safe to say a year does not mean it is all over quite as yet 🙂

My DD will be 5 years 2 months when her little sister comes along. 🥰
And I get comments of oh what a lovley gap. And others who are like “ugh why would you want to go back to the beginning again” or “I couldn’t think of anything worse than a newborn.” Well no because you’ve had your 2/3 children and feel content. 🙄🙄 Regardless the gap does not matter. I feel blessed and think it will actually be lovely. And I can really invest time in this one again.

also to add I have several adult friends who are only children. All lovely people. Genuine ad caring. And you’d be the none the wiser they are an only compared to any other adult. So the whole only being spoilt or growing up to be worse people is bs tbh.

I hope you get what you wish 🥰 or managed to find peace with your only child. You are still a family 😘 and any child is a blessing xxx

MK85 · 31/03/2023 16:50

Feel happy to have been blessed with one beautiful child op. Some women on here like myself are really struggling just to have one child

Myneighbourskia · 31/03/2023 17:08

I had my daughter 9 years ago. Tried for number 2 for years and amazingly, conceived over 7 months ago at the age of 41. I had given up so it was a shock. If you're still in the 30s it might still happen.

seven201 · 31/03/2023 17:45

My dd is nearly 7 and we were aiming for a 2 year age gap. She's been on mission asking for a sibling since she was about 4. She knows that doctors are trying to help so she starts a lot of conversations with "if we have a baby..." (when younger it was "when we have a baby..." which used to break my heart, but I've got used to it. It's been over 5 years of ivf, 3 surgeries, fertility meds, 4 early losses and what seems like all the money in the world. It's really hard to know when to give up but I don't feel ready to yet. I'm 40 though so time is slipping away. I should add that I'm 8 weeks pregnant now, but obviously very wary due to my past losses.

My dd doesn't have stereotypical only child attributes. She's very caring and pretty confident. I probably do spoil her a little! I think the only thing that is quite 'only child' is she has a deep sense of injustice if someone does something naughty and doesn't get sufficiently told off (in her eyes). When we're around friends with large families she is often telling on the naughty one to their parents etc! Unfortunately her cousins are all a few hours away in different directions, but she has the best time when with them, so we make an effort to arrange things.

HistoryFanatic · 31/03/2023 18:12

MK85 · 31/03/2023 16:50

Feel happy to have been blessed with one beautiful child op. Some women on here like myself are really struggling just to have one child

This is unfair. People are grateful for their child but their is nothing wrong with wanting another.

Shock, horror even those with infertility want more than one.

Dipsdoo · 17/08/2023 04:34

Hey recently found out i can only have one child

I can't sleep just keep crying
I know I should be lucky I have one but I just feel devesated like I’ve failed at being a women I had a life planned I just feel lost and its hard when I see families mum and two kids knowing it won't be what I dreamt of a sibling for my daughter

I have an amazing partner but I look at him and feel crushed because I know his hurt I feel to blame because my body and me did that.

I no I seem like a brat but I can assure you I'm ar from that
I just Don't no how to come tto term's
And what to do

FlamingYam · 17/08/2023 10:15

@Dipsdoo I'm so sorry for the news you've had. Do you look at other women with one child and think they are less of a mother or woman? I'm sure you don't so don't put that on yourself.

It's hard in the moment but you are lucky and I know you appreciate what you have.

Give it time. It will always hurt and sometimes much more than others but it does get easier. You are not any less. Be the best mum you can be

SunRainStorm · 17/08/2023 10:18

@Dipsdoo

I'm so sorry for your sad news.

You're not a brat at all. Your feelings are completely valid. Please don't feel you need to apologise for or qualify them at all.

Original poster

vitahelp · 17/08/2023 10:57

@Dipsdoo It's such a coincidence you brought back my thread today, as I'm having a major down moment after finding out this morning that a close friend is pregnant with her second child. She was having struggles like me and it was almost comforting knowing I wasn't the only one and that there may be others around me who have an only child but not by choice. Now every single friend and family in our close network has 2+ children. Admittedly some have none, all by choice/circumstance though. But knowing no one else has an only child in our closest network is hard to get my head round.

I'm so sorry you're going through the same and I know how you're feeling. It is haunting me too at the moment. I worry for my daughter, even though she will know no different. I'm an only child myself and have no issue with it/wouldn't change it, but I was in a different family circumstance so find it hard to draw comfort from my own childhood.

OP posts:

lavagal · 17/08/2023 11:25

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves what a lovely response Thankyou I also have only one DD and I have recently made peace with being one and done: your comment helps we see all the benefits and I genie have excitement for our next chapter as a confirmed '3'

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread