How to tell my friend I'm pregnant

[irishgem92]

Just found out I'm pregnant and my close friend and her husband are waiting for IVF after TTC for 3 years. I found a secret social media page of hers where she posts about how difficult it is for her to be around pregnant people. She doesn't know I know about it. We're going on holiday together when I'll be 11 weeks and likely starting to show and not drinking etc.

How should I tell her? Should I tell her before we go or risk that she'll guess when we're away?

I would tell her. I’ve had multiple miscarriages and I struggle when people announce at 12 weeks they’re pregnant but they’re my friends and I love them and I’m happy for them and I’m sure your friend will be too. She may need a little time to wallow in self pity and be angry at the world (not you!) and do let her have that space but just remind her you love her, and you are rooting for her bfp too. X

Do it over the phone. That way she can hang up and have a cry or whatever. If you're with her she'll have to keep a brave face on

Do not call her and do it over the phone!!!!! FFS. She'll feel pressured to be happy for and congratulate you.

Text her now and give her time to cry and be sad before you go on holiday together. She might want to make her excuses to get out of the holiday too...

'hi friend. I wanted to text you to let you know that I'm xx weeks pregnant. I wasn't sure of the most sensitive way to tell you but settled on texting you as the best bet. I'll give you a call in a week or so's time but if you fancy a chat before then give me a call. Love you.'

Don't reference her struggle or anything like that.

This thread my help you OP...

If you're infertile how would you want friend to tell you they're pregnant? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4557383-if-youre-infertile-how-would-you-want-friend-to-tell-you-theyre-pregnant

Agree with the previous post that you should text her and let her process the news on her own. I struggled to conceive and I really valued when friends told me this way and now that I am pregnant I told friends who are having fertility struggles via text. Don’t call or tell in person - they have to put on a brave voice/face while they are crying inwardly.

I'm sorry for your losses @Churchymcchurch 🥺 💐

Thank you all for the advice it's really helpful. Judging from what she has posted on her social media I don't think she'll be able to be happy for me or spend any time with me and that breaks my heart. I've been praying for her to get pregnant before me but it just hasn't happened.

I think I'm going to send her a text a week or two so before the holiday. I really hope she'll still come 🥺

Wishing you all the best of luck on your TTC journeys 💕

I agree text is best. Phoning her would be the worst thing to do.

I have my fingers crossed for you that she can get over it and be happy… making babies is hard work, she needs friends like you who care how she will take the news around her!

Tell her soon. Don't leave it to chance and don't not tell her because you don't want to upset her - that's patronising.

If there's one thing you could try not to do (not suggesting you will of course).. try not to mention if you're finding pregnancy horrible or you're feeling ill. She would happily feel terrible just to experience the joy of being pregnant. It's incredibly difficult hearing pregnant friends complain.

And try to talk about her upcoming IVF and how exciting that will be. She needs to feel hopeful.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I struggled to have a baby for many years. I was always happy for my friends though.

Can I just say I found it incredibly annoying when well meaning friends said how 'exciting' my upcoming IVF was. It really wasn't. It's awful and intrusive and gruelling and more like gambling than making a baby. I found it incredibly annoying knowing it was unlikely to work. Not exciting at all :(

Good luck op, your heart is obviously in the right place.

Having been through 9 rounds of IVF in the past I would say let her be one of the first to know, she'll have time to get used to it before the holiday, don't drop it on her a couple of weeks before.

And try to talk about her upcoming IVF and how exciting that will be. She needs to feel hopeful. I absolutely would not do this unless she expresses excitment about it herself.

I wouldn't leave it that close to the holiday to be honest. I would text her and let her know soon. Give her time to come to terms with it. Leaving it to a week or 2 before the holiday makes it seem like you're trying to trick her into going, and leaving less time to back out. Whereas if you tell her sooner she'll have time to think it over, and prepare herself.

And definitely text. It's the best way.

Agree. Do not do this. It will come across as patronising.

Just be honest, say you're pregnant and you understand it might be hard for her to hear but that you love her and you're thinking of her and if she needs to chat you're there for her.

Also, agree with others that you shouldn't complain about the pregnancy. Even if she asks how you're feeling etc, just a standard oh I'm feeling fine thanks! Do not go into the nitty gritty, I'm exhausted, being sick, bloated. You'll have other friends who you can talk like that with, but just for this one friend, be mindful how sensitive they will be. It'll do you no harm to just leave the ins and outs of the pregnancy to chatting with other friends.

I would tell her by text so she can have her private initial reation the send her congratulations. I would be sensitive that she may distance herself for a bit and not hold that against her.

I would pretend not to know about her social media page and hope that your close enough that she can be happy for you. Sometimes when venting on social media people say things they don't mean.

Really, nope.

Text message is universally understood to allow people to be upset and form a response etc

Agree text message... but make sure you know she's at home.

I disagree with not talking about your pregnancy going forward. It's fine to say you feel sick/tired or whatever your symptoms are... I've had years of TTC and am childless. I know how your friend will feel. She may cry and feel sad for her self but she will be happy for you. If you're good friends you can't just not talk about your pregnancy... it's an exciting time for you and she will know that, just be sensitive to each other.
All of my friends have several children and we support each other.. they moan about their kids I moan about not being able to have kids... there's no awkwardness because we are there to support each other.
If you don't do that the friendship will fizzle out. Friends have to be able to openly talk about what's going on in their lives to each other.

Agree text message and not two weeks before the holiday asap. Let her have time to process and get angry at the world

Yeah definitely tell her by text and agree with the suggestion of sending it at a time when you know she'll be at home and not around people she doesn't live with. Do it as early as you can so she has time to digest this before the holiday and be as kind as possible if she needs to pull out.

If being around you at all will be that hard for her, and I can see why it might be, all you can do is leave the door open and wait for her to come to you.

I had this issue attending a wedding when I was ten weeks pregnant. I knew it would be obvious if I didn’t drink and I had 2 friends at the table who were struggling to conceive. I asked another friend in the group who had recently conceived via IVF how I should broach it and she advised me to text them the news.

I did it a week before the wedding, acknowledging that I totally get that they will be happy for me, but I knew that when they were having such a hard time the news might also be triggering and I wanted to give them a heads up. I’d also acknowledge that it’s still early days. They were both super grateful I did it that way. I would then think about how you break the news to other people if this woman is also present, I’d try and play it down as much as possible.

I read the article by Emma Barnet in The Times about IVF the other week and she said ‘While I am still close to my old friends, they can’t be expected to get it fully. Fertile people cannot comfort infertile people, not really. Certainly not while they are pregnant or cradling their newborns, their second or third in some of my pals’ cases.’

I’ve really taken that on board and accepted that my friends who are struggling will find comfort in other people who are going through it, like your friend with her secret Facebook group. And although you can try your best to be there for her, you probably can’t be the comfort she needs at the moment. And she probally won't be the friend to ask you loads of questiosn and want to know every detail of your pregancy. And both of those things are ok.

This is good advice.

She will find it hard to deal with and you will not understand, however hard you try and however much you think you do. She will want to be happy for you, but she won’t be able to be. It will affect your friendship and she will probably distance herself from you for a while, because you will be a physical reminder of her grief for the baby she can’t have.

Well I found it helpful when I had IVF.