If you're infertile how would you want friend to tell you they're pregnant?

[whatnextsteps]

As the title asks, would you prefer to be told privately or in group setting?

A year and a half ago my best friend was told she can't have children and going through early menopause due to medical reasons/procedures. I know she still has down days about this but tries to hide it from our friend group as she found a support group of women who have gone through or going through similar as her.

I know she'll be happy for me and be an involved honorary auntie but don't know whether to tell her privately before group announcement so she could deal with any emotions as I'm the first of our group to be having a baby.

TIA for your advise

Privately, via text, so I had a chance to compose myself and get my emotions straight before seeing you.

I would tell her privately. And even after that I wouldn’t make a group announcement, especially if she was going to be there.. just tell people and let the word spread.

Definitely do NOT do it in a group. A text so she cry privately. Time it carefully so she has her partner around and not when she has a fun event planned. I have secondary infertility, so not quite the same, but I've had to do the pretend to be happy for them thing when I'm dying inside and just want to go have a cry.

Definitely privately, finding out in a group setting is really hard, she might need time to process her reaction. I'm sure she'll be happy for you in the long term but it might take some time.

Private message, with enough of a time lag so she can have a few tears, and then will be happy for you when you next see each other.

Factual text message when you know she’ll be home. Don’t say you know she’ll find it hard or be upset etc. She’ll know you’re being considerate through the manner you’ve told her. Absolutely no scan photos, ever (unless she explicitly asks).

There add loads of threads on this and this is how the vast majority of people in your friend’s situation want to be told. It might seem cold or impersonal but it is actually much kinder.

By text or email. Carry on as normal otherwise and don’t expect or pressure her into sharing how she feels about it. Expecting her to be an honoury Aunty might be a bit much.

Definitely by text message and don't make a group announcement that she feels compelled to react to. Take her lead on any information you give her. If she asks how things are, be factual but don't be over the top with detail. Make sure you always ask about something in her life too. Don't judge her or get annoyed if she's quiet with you sometimes, or when you have the baby if she's not eager to see you immediately.

I know she'll be happy for me and be an involved honorary auntie

Don’t expect this. She might. She might not. It’s easy to say this but when you’re presented with a newborn for a cuddle and it’s not yours, and won’t ever be yours it can feel very different to how you’d imagined.

Text. Never ever anything else

Infertility is infertility. It's the same. It's all heartbreakingly awful

This is perfect.

I’m sorry but it isn’t. Im not saying that secondary infertility isn’t absolutely awful to deal with, but if you ask any person whether they’d rather have one child and be desperate for another or none at all, you’re only going to get one answer.

Please don’t make comments like this.

I agree @PurpleDaisies. Secondary infertility is obviously very hard but absolutely nothing like infertility full stop. If you can't have babies at all, to compare the two is awful and quite wrong.

I am actually infertile and have known this for a long time (Turner’s Syndrome). Personally I don’t find a particular woman telling me she is pregnant difficult, I just sometimes wish it could be me. In general I have not had many friends who made the big fanfare announcement - for instance just the other day I turned up to something and there was one of the other women who I know pretty well with a bump. There was general chat about names, birth arrangements etc and it was fine. What I’m saying is your friend will still be happy for you.

Definitely by text. I've been on both sides of this now and text was so much better. I could send my congratulations and then have a good cry. People would be well meaning wanting to tell us in person but it was hellish trying to arrange my face and keep it together often for hours if we'd been told while meeting up.

I cannot have children and I hate being told separately and the "I thought I'd tell you before I make the announcement"

Everyone is different and it depends how sensitive you're friend is.

The worst is when someone tells you and they look very sad almost guilty, this just makes me feel guilty when they feel this way because it should be the happiest time for them and I genuinely want to share their happiness.

My friends thankfully know me now and all of them that have so far had children let me be as involved or not involved as I felt comfortable with. I now have a whole tribe of little friends who adore me and I adore them.

I think it depends on the person and whether they have come to terms with their situation. I have so I don't find pregnancy announcements difficult they genuinely make me happy.

I was in this position for a few years and def wanted to know by message, not in person. I always felt happy for the person but sad for myself and wanted to have time to deal with that privately first.

^^. This. Absolutely.

Absolutely by text & in private. I'll never forget the dreadful group announcements where I felt like everyone was looking to see how I'd react. Don't assume anything, let your friend deal with it her own way.

Don't do it the way I found out. On a zoom call with friends and family who already knew. Just came out with it like word vomit and I looked like a twat for getting up and walking off

Posted too soon. I was in the middle of telling them we need ivf and was interrupted with 'well at least one of us can have kids.. baby x due this year'

I'm not infertile but there was a period of around 3 years where we thought I was before my issue was discovered and I was able to carry DC with medical help.

I'd tell her by text, not person and definitely not in a group. Let her read it privately where she can get upset if she needs to and not have to 'put on a brave face' in a group of people.

I'm on the fence about PPs suggesting you don't announce it in a group as you want to. Obviously for her it would probably be more comfortable and easier if you didn't, but I'm not sure other people should have to arrange themselves/ their pregnancies/announcements and whatever else around others feelings. Of course it would be a nice thing to do but I don't know where that ends, should you not put anything on SM? Not have a baby shower if you want one? Not announce the birth?

What I'd do is, if you plan to tell people in a group, is just let her know that so she has the choice of being there or not. That way she's not blindsided and she can decide for herself if it's too much for her.

I had a friend tell me she didn't post her son's birth on her social media 'for me' and it just made me feel shitter tbh. I didn't want people to do that. Yes obviously seeing it pop up on my FB would have been hard, I'd have likely had a down day, cried and felt shit. But I didn't want people to be managing their lives or tip toeing around worrying about it before doing perfectly normal things. It made me feel worse even though they were just trying to be kind.

All I wanted from friends was understanding that I was feeling down, some.conversation that wasn't entirely focused around their kids and understanding that I may duck out of certain events like christenings or baby showers. Which they did and I'm grateful. They couldn't fix the issue for me by pretending their own lives weren't happening and sheltering me from ever seeing it.

Thank you for all your advise.

To those saying not to assume she'll want to be an honorary auntie, I know she will, I can't explain how I do I just do.

Put yourself in her shoes...