Professional mums

[HuntyGirl]

I started another thread yesterday re salary increases in my sector (I am a lawyer) and in that thread I mentioned I want to start TTC next year. (End of next/start of the following).

A lot of people on that thread think it is too early for me to start TTC at 28/29 in a professional job and should put it off in order to progress and try later (mid-late 30s).

For those of you who already have kids/are currently TTC, what age did you decide to do so being in a professional, demanding career? Just wondering whether I'm being unrealistic.

Thanks in advance!

Hi,

I am 27, 28 in June and i have 2 children i am currently trying TTC my 3rd.
I am a a senior recruitment consultant (not quite the level you are) working full time, However i am currently on the road to being promoted to manager. Which will mean a pay rise and company car. I have thought about waiting at least 6 months so i can get to grips with the role before i make my company aware i am pregnant.
I have been trying since September nothing has happened yet so while i think waiting would be a good idea i also don't know how long it isn't going to take me to conceive.

I think if you have a good support network then go for it, i don't think your being unrealistic at all.

I think it makes a huge difference depending on the professional job.

I had my kids at 21 and 28. I am now almost 40. Although career progression wasn't the reason I had my first at 21. Its actually worked well.

I now run 2 divisions of our company.

I think the difference is, that I studied, qualified and then have been working since, qualifying. I qualified when my oldest was a toddler. I only took 6 months mat leave with the second. I also realise you can't turn back time and do this yourself.

One issue for women is gaps. And when to take those gaps. Usually, qualifying then taking a big gap without plenty of years experience can put women further behind, than if they took a break once they had alot of experience under their belt. So I can see the point posters were making.

But everyone's situation, support, partner, employer is different. So its hard to say what's the best thing.

I am also not a huge advocate for 'wait as late as you can' either. No just because of issues surrounding female fertility.

As I got into my late 30s, I realised i was advancing quickly because alot of women were taking a couple of MAT leaves close together or taking a career break. And also, alot of men were stretched between work and family life. This is just as my kids got more and more independent and I had more time and could be more flexible.

I don't think there is a perfect time. I think you can only do what you think is right at the time and then see how it pans out.

I hope this doesn't come off as patronising, as I absolutely don't intend this to be, but you won't find an adequate answer to this on an internet forum. It's cliche, but there will never be the perfect timing: Only you and your partner can work this out. Plenty of women have children at your age in all sorts of jobs and career pathways. Plenty have them younger, plenty have them older. There's really not going to be a right answer.

You mention you want to start TTC soon: I'd say there's your answer. If you partner also wants that, don't let internet strangers put you off!

You'll be amongst many many women juggling and balancing career and parenthood.

(Having said that, I should admit I'm a little bit scarred from it taking much longer to conceive than I expect (14 months) so I perhaps am leaning to the 'go now girl! camp - but again, only you can make this decision).

Sorry if that's not helpful, but best of luck with whatever you decide to do!

@kt1302 thank you for your response. Congratulations on the promotion! How do you find working full time with 2 kids? Good luck with TTC also.

This has made me feel better about my decision. I don't think all women have to wait until later in their careers and I shouldn't feel bad for not wanting to!

@AlDanvers thanks for your comment, it's really helpful. I see both sides of it and as you say you have to do what's right for you. I wouldn't want to wait until later (by choice) for various reasons and I see that having them younger and working hard can be difficult but also beneficial. Thanks again

@Aubyone that was not patronising at all! It was so very helpful, thank you. That's what I am thinking and glad to know I'm not being unrealistic! You never know how long TTC can take and if DH and I feel ready earlier than others, then that's our prerogative

I’m a lawyer too and I had my babies at 40, 41 and 43 (currently on maternity). I am senior in a city firm but not a partner and I fully accept that I’ve fucked my career and won’t now make partner as taking 3 out of 4 years off isn’t great. Start early and actually I think you’ll determine earlier whether you even want to be in private practice/partner or would prefer to be in-house. Or even in a different career as kids do tend to focus the mind in areas you don’t expect.

Would be interested in reading your thread about salary increases (which I think are insane!), would you be able to link to it pls? Thanks!

I'm in a professional career took of 3 months for each of my 3 kids had them all in my later 20s, I'm now about to turn 40 and a high earner and top of my game, I would say I coasted while the kids were under 5 by that I mean I was still getting outstanding in my end of year ratings but I wasn't aggressively trying for promotions or job hopping to climb the ladder, the last 5 years I have climbed up a lot and whole it has been bloody hard my career hasn't suffered much. Maybe only 5 years where I would have been, but tbh life experiences help where I am now. I think some senior positions getting taken more seriously if you are a tad older. Good luck to you. Having kids is always hard 🤷

I’m in consulting - had DD1 at 30 and DD2 at 33. Am really glad now.

What slowed me down was my mindset if I am honest (I wast FT after DD2 but muddled PT for a bit after DD1) plus a bit of the company not being ready for women leaders coming through with DC

If you have role models, clear path to getting back after mat leave and more importantly a DH who sees your career as important as theirs - you’ll be fine

I'm an academic, where it is unusual to have a secure (open-ended) job before 30 or later, and many women don't have children until mid-late 30s as a result. I met DH just as I started my first permanent job; we were both sure we wanted children so we started ttc very quickly (after less than a year), mindful of friends for whom it had taken ages. It took about 5 minutes (!) so I ended up pregnant at 31 only just over a year after starting my first "proper" job. 31 is not young in most fields but it was young in mine; I was the youngest woman in my dept at the time but the first to get pregnant, and no woman had been pregnant in my department for over a decade. I took a short maternity leave and had DC2 two years after DC1, with another short leave. It slowed my professional development down fractionally perhaps, but not by much at all. Longer leaves or going p/t would have done so much more.

Having said that, I'm now expecting no. 3 at 41 after a fairly big gap (boys are 9 and 7) and I can totally see why women leave it late despite the fertility gamble. It is much less stressful, work-wise, being pregnant now. I've had a complicated pregnancy with quite a bit of time off work (just as in my previous pregnancies) but I don't feel guilty at all; I am planning a full 12 months of leave (again, without guilt or worry). I am just at a totally different career stage -- I am very established now and even if I do nothing much for a year or so I am still going to be asked to do things professionally just as much as before because I have an established name/reputation and expertise which no-one else has. I've written the "big book" I wanted to write. I can't be promoted much more than I have been already so although this baby will probably delay my final promotion (for which I'm already eligible) by a year or two, it won't make a huge difference overall. I feel free to consider going back part-time if we feel that's best for our family.

But there's no way I wouldn't have gone for it at 29 if I'd met DH a couple of years earlier. It's such a strong drive for some women and it certainly was for me, as soon as I felt I'd met the right man (and we both had decent jobs etc) it would have felt strange and miserable not to get on with having a baby. Obviously if you start earlier you have more flexibility about timing and also there's room for more if you might want a large family; if I were 39 now rather than 41 I'd be tempted to squeeze another in. I notice at the children's school where most of the other mothers had their first child early (20 ish) it is common to have several children spaced about 5 years apart (so once each is in school) which I can see actually has a lot to recommend it. I think one of the down-sides of leaving it to, say, mid-30s is that you basically have to have a fairly short gap if you want more than 1, and juggling 2 or more young children with a f/t job when you are still having to "prove yourself" at work is definitely the hardest thing.

I’m 29 and part qualified as a legal professional (not a solicitor). I was in a similar position to you last year, we decided to start TTC obviously not knowing how long it would take and I am now 18 weeks pregnant and over the moon! So no advice really but I don’t think you’re unreasonable in the slightest!

@bunnypenny you shouldn't feel that way! Having children shouldn't derail our careers. That may be idealistic but having your DC hasn't diminished your value as a lawyer or affected your intellect. I understand the legal environments don't always lend themselves to so much time off in quick succession but I definitely think you will still be able to progress.

Thread below

Lawyers - thoughts please http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4481637-lawyers-thoughts-please

@MsMeNz

I'm in a professional career took of 3 months for each of my 3 kids had them all in my later 20s, I'm now about to turn 40 and a high earner and top of my game, I would say I coasted while the kids were under 5 by that I mean I was still getting outstanding in my end of year ratings but I wasn't aggressively trying for promotions or job hopping to climb the ladder, the last 5 years I have climbed up a lot and whole it has been bloody hard my career hasn't suffered much. Maybe only 5 years where I would have been, but tbh life experiences help where I am now. I think some senior positions getting taken more seriously if you are a tad older. Good luck to you. Having kids is always hard 🤷

This sounds like it worked out well for you and I'd be very happy with that trajectory. I'm happy at my current firm and don't really want to leave (other than for pay reasons). So would be happy to stay here,l whilst having DC. The maternity is also really good

@pitterpatterrain

I’m in consulting - had DD1 at 30 and DD2 at 33. Am really glad now.

What slowed me down was my mindset if I am honest (I wast FT after DD2 but muddled PT for a bit after DD1) plus a bit of the company not being ready for women leaders coming through with DC

If you have role models, clear path to getting back after mat leave and more importantly a DH who sees your career as important as theirs - you’ll be fine

This is very encouraging, thank you. I would much rather have kids earlier. I feel like you know when is right for your family. As you've said, my DH is very supportive which I'm very grateful for. That will definitely be a big help when DC come along

@kalidasa thanks for your message, it was really helpful. Congratulations on the pregnancy!

@MSJK

I’m 29 and part qualified as a legal professional (not a solicitor). I was in a similar position to you last year, we decided to start TTC obviously not knowing how long it would take and I am now 18 weeks pregnant and over the moon! So no advice really but I don’t think you’re unreasonable in the slightest!

Congratulations!

I'm in a similar professional field.

We started TTC when I was 32. Conceived when I was 34 (took a while). Had DS at 35.

I'm kind of on the fence. I'm so glad we didn't leave it any later because of the fertility issues that we had. They were a big surprise. That said, I was promoted into a more senior role during that TTC time. Being more established in the field meant I could take a longer maternity leave (both financially and in terms of not worrying about progression) and I have far greater flexibility now I'm back at work because I manage my own workload rather than it being allocated from elsewhere. I'm not sure I would have gone for the same promotion if I'd have had young DC or been pregnant at the time it came up. It's worked out for our little family, but by luck not good planning.

There will never be a perfect time so just go with your heart. Anything to do with TTC is a roll of the dice. Good luck whatever you decide!

I’m a senior academic and I had mine at 31 & 35.

If you are planning on going back FT then make it very very clear from the offset that your DP needs to share the burden of everything child and house related.

@LincolnshireLassInLondon thank you for your message. My firm are really good in that sense. Women get promoted whilst on maternity (even to partner!) which is really encouraging. I'd want to try and go for promotion around 4 PQE and I don't think having a baby will be an issue. My firm are very inclusive and win awards for their initiatives so they are very mindful about things like that. Some of the senior partners have multiple DC and some also work part time!

I note your point about flexibility but my only thing there is that whilst I am allocated all my work, so are even the most senior solicitors (just under partner) as all the work comes in through partners and is allocated out. So will be doing that up to partner level if I stayed at this firm.

Thank you!

I also planned an 18 month gap and ended up with 4.3 years due to secondary infertility so that’s worth bearing in mind. I’m glad I did it when I did.

@Hermymee

I’m a senior academic and I had mine at 31 & 35.

If you are planning on going back FT then make it very very clear from the offset that your DP needs to share the burden of everything child and house related.

I want to go back 4 days a week. DH knows we would be splitting everything as our jobs are equally demanding. He's very supportive so I'm not worried about that. We'll also get a cleaner to help manage time and just do what we can to make it easier. Thanks

I’m a professional in the private sector (not law) and having kids does fuck up your career for a while. I work FT (as if I worked PT I would end up working FT anyway but for PT salary) and cant work late/don’t have the energy to log on for another couple of hours when the kids are in bed. I’m not going to make head of dept whilst my kids are small as working FT in a full on job is enough. However, my colleagues who had kids younger are able to put more hours in and do more networking as their kids are in secondary now.

One thing to think about is if you got made redundant would you have enough experience to get a job at the same level. It’s something like 1 in 6 women get made redundant whilst on maternity.

I had my first at 37. To be honest I wouldn’t have been in a stable position career wise until I was about 32. The reason I had kids later was due to factors outside work.

There is never a ‘good’ time to have children.

I waited until age 36, and am on maternity leave now. I would say that with shared parental leave now, it's easier for it not to impact one persons career. I am taking six months, he is taking five, and we both get full pay for those. I'd def say I have more flexibility now I'm more senior. If I'd have had children in my 20s, for my field, it would have been more difficult. I'm hoping to have another in the next year or two, and if we are lucky enough, we will split leave again.

We both got the promotions we wanted before I got pregnant, so accept that we probably won't be going for more over the next 3-4 years as we won't have as much time and energy to dedicate and will be taking some time out.

1st at 29, 2nd at 34 (2 miscarriages in between) but actually the gap has been perfect (I'm coming up 36 now, returned FT again after 9 months off with DS2, just been given a payrise this week and because I was back in work for 3 years between kids I showed my abilities again and that having them hasn't affected my doing of the job.

We would love 3 kids, but actually will stick with 2 (more because I don't want to have to go through the MC again if that happens) but also because I'm able much more to shoot and aim for what I want while the kids are 5 and 1 than I would be when they're older and more reliant on us for exam help etc

Hiya, my friend is very high up in the banking world. Her job is her everything and always chasing promotions ect. She fell pregnant unexpectedly at age 28 and again unexpected with her second son two years later. She went back full time after around six months with both. She struggles alot but loves being a mum. She has also had two promotions since she became a mum. Another friend has been trying for over 4 years and currently going through IVF so I wouldn't put of if it is what you want as you never know if you will experience difficulties. It is a very hard decision for women.