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Original poster

Bigger age gaps between children

44 replies

DontLoseYourFightKid · 11/02/2022 15:07

Please make me feel better!

Unfortunately due to numerous health issues involving multiple operations, TTC our second child has been put on a huge pause. DH and I have really struggled with this because we suffer with fertility problems, so we feel like a lot of time has been wasted as well as the fact we’re only getting older. If we’re lucky enough to ever be able to conceive again, we’re looking at a minimum of a 6 year age gap between our DC. After everything we’ve been through, we will be SO grateful to have a second child, however I can’t help but feel sadness around the bigger age gap. I’m so over sensitive to peoples comments about only children and the perfect 2 year age gap, and I’m surrounded by friends and family with children/nieces/nephews all 2-3 years apart. I think the comments mostly hurt because we haven’t had a choice in this matter, but SIL in particular comes across as rather smug with her ‘perfect boy and girl 2 years apart’. I’ve had to really distance myself from people as I’m not coping well with our situation.

I should also mention our DS has ASD so the dynamics would be very different to typical siblings anyway. But I just feel so sad at the prospect of him being an only child, or there being a large age gap, or generally how different our life is to everyone around us.

I know families come in all shapes and sizes so I’d love to hear how other peoples experiences of similar situations have worked out well for them Smile

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 11/02/2022 15:08

My youngest was 6 when ds was born. Now 13 and 7 and very close still older one has as yet undiagnosed asd...

EmpressCixi · 11/02/2022 15:11

I’m very close to my sibling who is 7yrs younger than I. I wouldn’t recommend sharing bedrooms, but honestly I enjoyed being able to help out when they were a baby and it was fun babysitting them and teaching them things when I was a teenager.

ChildrenGrowingUpTooFast · 11/02/2022 15:17

My brother and I are 18 months apart and we never get along. Don't listen to your SIL. Ask yourself, do you see someone 6 years older or younger than you similar in age to yourself? If you see a couple, do you see 6 years as a large age gap?

Peakypolly · 11/02/2022 15:17

My 'perfect' gap would have been 10 years as that is what I have with my sibling but, sadly, I left it to late starting for that to be possible.
I don't understand why your 2-3 year gap is the perfect/desirable one? Surely we all see it differently? To me, that is just the average age gap, not the perfect one.
For what it's worth, I have a 4 year gap between my first two and that has been pretty perfect for us.

DevilsAdvocaat · 11/02/2022 15:20

I have a 12 year gap between oldest and youngest. 10 years between middle.

Worried about having a third for ages.

Best thing we ever did!

Older 2 DC adore DC3. It has brought us all closer imo.

mathanxiety · 11/02/2022 15:27

I know a family who did a seven year age gap between three siblings, so 14 years start to finish. They all got along well and are close as adults.

Isonthecase · 11/02/2022 15:31

The only person I knew who has made people feel bad about not having the 'perfect' age gap was totally toxic and massively insecure. There is no one size fits all perfect gap as each family is hugely different.

mumonthehill · 11/02/2022 15:36

6.5 year gap here and both dc have always got on really well. It seems big at the moment as oldest ds is 21 but ds 15 is enjoying have us to himself! There are times when it can be tricky with activities etc but we found that it was ok as long as everyone compromised a bit. My boys are very close and keep in touch with each other a lot. I found the new born stage with second ds easy as older was at school so managed one on one time with both. It worked for us and has only been positive but it may have been like that if I had a shorter age gap, you just cannot tell.

LaTomatina · 11/02/2022 15:38

Where I live, 5-6 years is a really normal age gap - lots of people wait until their eldest is at school (which starts at age 6 here) before even considering a 2nd. Mine are 2 years apart, and that is considered really intense/borderline irresponsible... I think there's pluses and minuses either way, no wrong answers.

Original poster
DontLoseYourFightKid · 11/02/2022 15:39

Thank you all so much for the replies, they really have helped 💗
I think after the fertility problems and then my health issues, and then going through the autism diagnosis, I feel completely worn down and it’s like I’m looking for more ‘problems’. Maybe it’s the guilt of the effects this could have on DS, as well as the very real likelihood of another child also having ASD. But we just aren’t ready to let go of trying.

@ChildrenGrowingUpTooFast That is such a good point about smaller age gaps! In fact DH can barely stand his sister now and they’re just 2 years apart.

And @Peakypolly you’ve helped me see it from another perspective, thank you 😊 ‘Perfect’ and ‘average’ age gaps are indeed very different things. So maybe for us a 6/7/8 year gap will be ‘perfect’ xx

OP posts:
Fabuleuse · 11/02/2022 15:52

I'm 8 years 8 months older than my only sibling. I was delighted to have a cute little baby sibling at that age and he was still a cute toddler/young child at the age when my friends were all fighting like cats and dogs with their more similar age ones. It was like a having a little pet/sidekick. He's not so cute now as an adult but we still get along well!

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 11/02/2022 16:18

My ds's shared a room until oldest was 11. At their request..

DragonMovie · 11/02/2022 16:23

My nieces and nephews are 11, 6 and 2 and are all very close

Pheepa · 11/02/2022 16:40

@DevilsAdvocaat your age gap is similar to what we're aiming for with TTC#3, I was worried but also think it will bring us even closer together. Thanks for sharing!

SmellyWellyWoo · 11/02/2022 16:50

Ten year gap between mine and there are more negatives than positives. It's a big regret of mine, although they have different dads so might be better if they have the same dad.

BobbinHood · 11/02/2022 16:55

I’m much closer to my sibling where there’s 6 years age difference than to the one where there’s 2. The 2 year age gap I’m sure we played together lots as small children but as we got older it was like we were “expected” to be best friends, want to do the same things etc. There was a lot of competitiveness, sibling rivalry and pressure. With my much younger sibling we could both just be individuals on our own terms without anyone expecting us to be besties.

astroboy45 · 11/02/2022 17:01

I really don’t understand this age gap thing and I’ve only noticed it since I’ve been pregnant with my second. My kids will have 11 months age gap.

My sister and I have 9 years age gap, I’m older. We’re still super close. I don’t understand the assumption that because kids have a smaller age gap that they’ll be super close or whatever. If you do manage to have a second baby, it’s a blessing whatever the age gap is🙌

PineappleWilson · 11/02/2022 17:01

I have a not quite 9 year gap, boy / girl, who are now 12 and 3. For now it works, they sometimes drive each other up the wall but littly loves their older sibling and usually the older one likes their younger sib. They have the same dad which I think does help, as they both have experience of doing X (swimming, toddler groups etc. with dad) to talk about.

Days out that meet both sets of needs can be a challenge, and I suspect we'll be into some rocky years as we do teenager with the oldest, but there's 8 years between me and my youngest sibling. We get on well as adults, so hopefully they'll come out the other side still as friends.

kirinm · 11/02/2022 18:30

My oldest is 25 and my youngest is 3.

kirinm · 11/02/2022 18:31

Should say the 25 adores the 3 year old and vice versa!

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 11/02/2022 19:12

My oldest was 25 when ds was born!!

Arsewangry · 11/02/2022 19:16

My boys are nearly 7 years apart and are, as I type, running around the house together causing absolute chaos and destruction.

They're close, they love one another, ds1 is ds2's idol, he worships the ground he walks on yet they still have occasional bickering and falling out, It wasn't planned to have a big age gap but it works in its own way.

simonthedog · 11/02/2022 19:20

There is 5.5 years between mine. It is great. There was plenty of time to pend with each when they were babies.

Twixie2022 · 11/02/2022 19:25

I have 6 years between me and my oldest brother and we are great friends/get along amazing. Even as kids always got a long very well. I have a younger brother who is 2 years younger who I bearly see and/or speak to. We just aren’t very close these days. I plan on a 5 year age gap if we have another baby. Xx

AnotherEmma · 11/02/2022 19:26

FWIW, as an adult I am very close to and grateful for my younger half-siblings, 7 & 8 years younger.

Sorry you've had a tough time and I hope you can get pregnant quickly when you're ready to start TTC.