Bigger age gaps between children

[DontLoseYourFightKid]

Please make me feel better!

Unfortunately due to numerous health issues involving multiple operations, TTC our second child has been put on a huge pause. DH and I have really struggled with this because we suffer with fertility problems, so we feel like a lot of time has been wasted as well as the fact we’re only getting older. If we’re lucky enough to ever be able to conceive again, we’re looking at a minimum of a 6 year age gap between our DC. After everything we’ve been through, we will be SO grateful to have a second child, however I can’t help but feel sadness around the bigger age gap. I’m so over sensitive to peoples comments about only children and the perfect 2 year age gap, and I’m surrounded by friends and family with children/nieces/nephews all 2-3 years apart. I think the comments mostly hurt because we haven’t had a choice in this matter, but SIL in particular comes across as rather smug with her ‘perfect boy and girl 2 years apart’. I’ve had to really distance myself from people as I’m not coping well with our situation.

I should also mention our DS has ASD so the dynamics would be very different to typical siblings anyway. But I just feel so sad at the prospect of him being an only child, or there being a large age gap, or generally how different our life is to everyone around us.

I know families come in all shapes and sizes so I’d love to hear how other peoples experiences of similar situations have worked out well for them

2-3 years is not a perfect age gap. It's the most common so people don't object to the stupid statement that it's perfect. It can be easier to have this gap because both kids might like the same thing at the same time but the gap can mean intense rivalry if the younger one is competitive.

I have 3 kids and the youngest and oldest are 6 years apart. In my experience, all siblings go through periods of getting on and not getting on regardless of age gap. My boys are now 21 and 15 and they get along great.

There are pros to your proposed age gap. For example you can devote lots of one on one time to the younger one during maternity leave while the older one is at school. The older one is less likely to be jealous of the younger as they understand things like "I'm all yours when baby has a nap after this bottle" A 2-3 year old wouldn't have a clue so would be put out.

My two children have a 4 year age gap. I wouldn't have minded at all if it was bigger, just how it happened. Having thought about it I know some people with 3 tear are gaps but an equal amount who have 6, 7 and 8 years. My good friend has a 10, 5 and 3 month old. There really is no perfect gap although say ing that I always wanted a 4 or longer age gap. It's also lovely that you have been able to have all that time with your 6 year old. It's lovely for him and you. Good luck. Wishing you all the best after what sounds like a very challenging time.

I have siblings with 2, 3, 6, 9, 12 and 16 years gap between us and in my experience whether we get along or not has more to do with personalities than with age.

Currently I am TTC and my DD is 4. I wouldn't have been able to cope with a baby earlier as DD was a very intense baby/toddler.

@Pheepa good luck and enjoy

7.5 years between mine for various health reasons of mine and other family emergencies. Wish it could've been smaller - only so that it would be more 'convenient' to me I.e. same school, same clubs, same stages in school etc. But for them it's a great age gap - they get along well and also have individual space to be who they are with zero sibling rivalry or comparisons. If anything my only sorrow is that when my older one is off to Uni, younger one will only be 10, so she won't have had a 'lot' of years with her sister.

There was a six-year age gap between myself and my brother who are both autistic, we got on really well as children.

Why do you think the dynamics will be different because he is autistic? Does he have learning difficulties that severely affect his relationships?

I haven't found there to be typical dynamics to a sibling realtionship and have found they come in all shapes and sizes and are influenced heavily by the sibling personalities and family dynamics rather than neurotype.

If baby 1 is autistic baby 2 might be too. If both of them have needs that are in the minority this might help them to form a strong bond.

*learning disabilities

Thank you for all these lovely messages 💗 It’s so nice reading about everyone’s family units and how different everyone is but how it just works I need to remember that there is no such thing as a perfect or ‘normal’ family. I’ve definitely learnt that life rarely goes to plan for any of us, but whatever happens I will be grateful for everything. Whatever the age gap, another baby would be a blessing. But I’m grateful for having this extra time with just DS particularly with his additional needs xx

No such thing as a perfect age gap. There is a 21 year gap between my mum and her youngest sibling and they get on great. There is a six year gap between my eldest and youngest and it's lovely.

I have an 8.5 year age between my sister and we had a lovely relationship growing up - she read me bedtime stories and I loved it. As adults, we’re best friends. I think it’s more to do with personalities than age x

@HMG107 I think my main worry is because DS is quite severely autistic, and non-verbal so he really struggles to communicate his needs. He’s very much ‘in his own world’ and doesn’t interact or engage with other children so I do worry that another baby would be really challenging for all of us. But I also pray that it might be the best thing for him, to have a companion who he can feel safe with! Particularly if a second child also was to have ASD they may possibly have an even stronger bond. But yeah, I do worry with the lack of understanding it would be difficult to prepare him for a sibling! x

12 years between me and my sister. Loved it! Was like having a real live doll to play with when I was slightly too old for dolls. Loved bathing her, taking her to the park, reading to her, playing with her. Even did her nappies and she used to come into my bed at night when she was a toddler. Loved making Christmas magic for her even when I didn’t believe. We were never in competition or compared or in each other’s shadows.

My DS was 6 when DD was born, it was really lovely in the early years, DS was old enough to fully understand what was happening, he was able to help out with the baby when he wanted to but DD also got that 1:1 time with me while DS was at school. Lots of 2nd/3rd siblings miss out on thag due to other toddlers / preschoolers being at home.
I feel like we’re at the trickiest age right now as DD is 9 & DS15. They don’t have much in common at the moment! but I’m not convinced G/B would in the teen years anyway.

My DSis is 8.5 years older then me and although we were close as children (I was more like an only child, which didn’t feel a bad thing at the time) but now as adults were really good close.

I think there is pro’s & con’s to all age gaps and no right or wrong answers.

It’s silly how we’re made to think a small age gap will mean they’ll be best of friends. In some cases, maybe! But in reality that probably doesn’t really happen that often.

I also hate the questions you get asked about another baby when your first child turns 2/3. It just seems to be expected even though people have no idea what could be happening in someone’s life. I’ve found that very upsetting with everything going on. And the comments of ‘it’s good to get the younger years all out of the way in one go.’ Well maybe it’s nice to enjoy each child individually for a bit longer! God I think I’m far too over sensitive 🙈😂

@DontLoseYourFightKid, perfect 2 year age gaps means that one does A levels the same year that the other does GCSEs. Think of it as you avoiding the stress of 2 lots of exams together.

With a larger gap, you get to see each child as a unique little person as they're at very different stages.

I'm 11 years older than my brother. I adored him from the day he was born (as did my older brother).

I have 5 years and it's fab! No jealousy, eldest was a great helper & somewhat self sufficient, and youngest adores his big sis!

I’ve noticed that in England people seem to prefer 2-3 year age gaps. Where I’m from it is just as common to have large age gaps as smaller ones. A lot of people here (including me) see toddlers as babies still who need so much of their parents that they would feel guilty bringing in another baby. No right or wrong but when my eldest was 2 he was still tiny to me. I’m also very close to my sibling who’s going 10 years younger than me- when she was little I enjoyed looking after her but after she went to uni (I was late twenties) we became very close as friends.

My DK s are,51,44,39,30. all get along brilliantly. Last one was second marriage,I was 41,my oldest DD had a baby the following year. My DH,his siblings,are all a year apart,and hated each other as kids, not close now. People I know who had a 2 year gap, said they wanted to "get it all over with".