Any with 4? I'm ttc 4th .... (but I'm having 2nd thoughts...)

[ernest]

I've always thought 4. For me, 1 is too few, 2 is too boring, 3 is too uneven, 4 is ideal.

We have 3. 3 gorgeous boys. B4 ds3 was born i said if he's easy we'll go 4 another, if he's difficult we'll have to think again. Well, he has been the most perfect easy dream baby, but far from making me feel confident, I now fear having another 'cos no baby could compare. I worry I'll have a hard time with the next cos he's been so perfect.

We just decided a couple of weeks ago to go for no. 4. I was feeling ambivalent, but dh said he wanted 4, so I thought ok, i always said it b4 so why not? But now I keep hearing tales of how much more difficult 4 is than 3 - travellimg, can't fit in a normal car, juggling kids school & social life,etc etc. Plus, to be totally honest, I really fear having a girl. i love haviing 3 boys. I love it. I've never been a girly girl, always found boys & their toys much more fun. hated people asking me if I was hoping 4 a girl. What if I had one?? All the fuss the family would make of her.. I worry I'd feel resentful. plus the birth. had such hard time stupidly watched couple of birth programmes & feel sick at thought of all that pain again....

Oh God, is this like last minute nerves b4 a wedding & everything will be ok? Af not due for over a week, but I'm sectretly freaking out how I'll cope with 4, what if it's a girl, I can't think straight. Panick mode.

Well our baby definitely got a bit spoiled. I think it's inevitable. He is a lovely boy and makes us laugh a lot but expects things the others hoped for.

My friend has three, and her youngest is 9. I have 5 and my youngest is 16 months. If I had stopped at 3, my youngest would be 7.

My friend goes on week-ends away, and to the movies, and shopping trips. All the sort of things you CAN do when you don't have small children. And I really DON'T envy her. It is bloody hard work, but I still think it is worth it. Those first kisses....all drool, the cute walk, the things they say. I wouldn't swap for the world. Go for it.

BTW another friend, had 6 girls, got pregnant, and you can imagine the comments of 'hoping for a boy then?' Surprisingly enough it was.

I've got 4 and it's bloody hard work, but then again I don't think being a mum comes that easily to me. I love them all though.

I want to have four too! Have ds 7, dd 5 and ds 2. Dh intially very unwilling (worried all the time about money and schooling), now has come round to a fourth because he could see me being unable to think about anything else (very sad - I never imagined being like this). However, had a miscarriage in October at 7 weeks, which took me aback - I've never had any problems before, also took me two months to conceive as opposed to instantly, so I'm wondering whether my body is giving up - am 38 now. Still trying though, can't help myself.

hi all, sorry, back again, with same problem, different angle.
Still ttc no. 4 (went shopping other day & bought 2 pairs of maternity jeans - how mad is that)...

Spent last week staying with in-laws. Our 3 are their only grandchildren & they don't see them that often & as usual, were totally spoilt. By end of visit, they were becoming really hard work & badly behaved (arguing, fighting over toys, not stopping when told) Dh was furious with them. At same time, I was very much in demand to sort out every problem, plus the journey with 3 (youngest had ear infection & cried a lot & was difficult)

Basically hellish w/e. Has left me again wondering if am doing right thing, if can cope with 4 etc. voiced this to dh this am, who asked my if I wanted reassurance, or if I wanted to reconsider, because that was how he felt. I am shocked he seems to be having 2nd thoughts, as he was main instigator.

So now I'm so confused again. I am worried about coping, even tho i know w/e with family is artificial situation. I am worried aboout reasons for having no 4. I worry that I have 3 great boys & am pushing my luck. One minute I think it's not the right thing, then I catch myself thinking (well, I might have got pg this month & then that'll be the end of the discussion, then I'm thinking - does that mean deep down I really do want this & if I really do, then I'll be happy to do it. God, does that make sense???????? It's really doing my head in.

How do you all (with 4) manage with eg going to supermarket? I avoid going with 3 if I can help it. Travelling, esp flying?

How can I get my head round this question? How do I know if it's what I want? I try asking myself if I didn't have no. 4 would I regret it & it's just too forced/artificial & I don't think I can answer. My bf can't have kids of her own, so can't speak to her, my mum thinks more than 2 is a mistake. i've only got you lot to help me work this out, & think will be having BIG TALK tonight so feel need to try & sort out my head urgently. I've been feeling really emotional all morning (not like me) and know it's linked with this, but can't see what the 'right' answer is

It's a very difficult dilemma (see my message of 16th Nov!) I know exactly what you mean about pushing your luck - I feel like that too. I really believe now that if you do have another you will cope - you just will, even if you have moments/ days/ months where you wonder whether you are coping. I remember when debating whether to have a third wondering all the time whether we'd cope, and we now have three, and most of the time we do cope even if it doesn't necessarily appear like that to the outside world! I think you will also always remember the good times and not the moments of extreme frenzy when everyone is leaving the house in the morning etc.
Anyway, maybe 'fate' or 'God' does have a hand in these things : I am trying to conceive no.4, and for the first time it is not working. I think I will try for a while and then stop and accept my lot, albeit sadly.

Thanks for replying. i'm really sorry about your m/c, and I mean that really, not just a glib comment. It must be worse for you, inasmuch as you want this child and are having such problems, whereas my problem is I'm just not sure if it's the right thing for me/us to do.

i just wish I really yearned for this child, then it'd be easy, or at least that part of it would be.

I wish you all the bbest. Are you doing anything in particular btw - fertility monitoring etc?

hi ernest,
I've got 4 (dd17, dd13, ds7 & dd10months)and from a practical point of view, it is hard work. Tbh, I find it much harder than with 3, although I think a lot of this is because of the ages my children are, ie 2 stroppy teenagers; the fact that I currently work full-time and live farther from work than I did before the youngest was born; and the fact that the baby is, what is politely known as a 'handful'.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it looks like you're really happy with the way your family is at the moment and worry that having no 4, especially if it's a girl, is going to change the family dynamics in such a way that it'll all be ruined. All I can say is that although I find life much harder than with 3, I wouldn't turn the clock back and change things in anyway. I also worried about 'pushing my luck' in having another baby when the first three were healthy and discussed this with my consultant who assured me that this is a perfectly normal, if unfounded, fear.
For us holidays are a big problem, mainly because of the big age gaps - none of them are at the same stage/interested in the same things - although dd1 has assured me she is not coming with us next year. Also: cars - I can't fit all of mine into ours, so usually dd1 or dh don't come or go by train . I am getting a new 6 seater car soon so hopefully that problem will be solved. As for shopping - I never take them with me, never have - used to leave them with dh and now shop over the internet.
I hope that some of this rambling has been of use to you. Maybe you could 'take a year out' from thinking about ttc and see how you feel about it then, or is age an issue?

yes, age is an issue, both for me & the kids, ds 1 & 2 are v. close together & there's a big(ger) gap for ds3, so I'd kind of like ds 4 & no. 4 to be close too. i've got an age cut-off date in my head, which I've always had & don't really want to go over that.

I just don't know if I'd be having another 'for the sake of it', cos I've always had 4 in my head. Up till now I was unsure, but dh said he wanted one, but now dh is unsure it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet.

Are all 3 & 5 yr old boys so boisterous?

Go for it! You sound like a very level headed woman and if your heart is in it now think how much happier you will feel with the tiny baby in your arms! As for the fear of girls: I shared your concern until I just knew that dd was a girl (when pg) and now I cannot imagine life without her! I am NOT at all girly but she is such fun and is amazing with both of her brothers!
We have 3 (ds7, dd5, ds2) and long to have 4. I did conceive twins earlier this year but sadly miscarried at 16 weeks. We were shocked to consider going from 3 to 5 but even more devastated by the prospect of only having 3... We intend to try for a fourth for at least the next couple of months at then perhaps there would be far too big a gap between ds2 and a fourth...

Bit of a personal question ernest but how do you feel when AF arrives? Do you feel gutted or relieved? The reason I ask is that a while before I got pregnant with no4 I had a pregnancy scare. I really hadn't considered having another and (in my head) genuinely didn't want another. Did a pregnancy test in Starbucks loos and remember sitting there thinking "Please God, don't let me pregnant" while I waited the 4 minutes or so for the result. Got the negative I'd hoped for and then went up into the cafe and saw a couple with a little newborn baby and then it just hit me, I really did want one of them.

thanks a lot again. Canadianmom, that must have been unimaginable - you sort of think by 12 weeks you're safe, but to miscarry not just one, but 2 babies at 16 weeks, I'm so sorry.

i've been tossing & turning all night (literally - ds3 would not go to be, i can't remember ever having this with him before. he's recovering from ear infection & is teething, so I think he was in pain & didn't want to be alone - anyway, the point of this ramble is I slept with him in spare bed, much to dh's disgust who just wanted to sling him in cot & let him scream. So I pretty much came to the conclusion that it's just too hard, that I can't go through with it again, the load always falls on my shoulders blah blah blah.

oh, plus mil 'phoned last night & commented ( in reasonably nice way) how wild ds 1 & 2 are & I mentioned this dilema & she shrieked "oh my /god, not another one!"

But then over breakfast (while dh still sleeping & me up with all 3) I just thought how much I enjoyed them all, what fun they all were. then I thought about how there's no point in keeping the baby stuff any more & chucking it out, and that just seemed too much. I was also thinking I should arrange some contraception then, but should wait till start period, just in case I did conceive this month (sort of what you asked, Tabitha) and I realised that maybe (only maybe) I am hoping I am pg after all.

So will be taking dh out tonight to discuss

Thanks for your points. Oh, and thanks for saying I sound level-headed, it's the last thing I feel, but sounds very nice to be called it.