Dealing with the heartbreak of TTC

[wannabemumof2]

Hi ladies,

First time poster, long time lurker. Just after some advice really. DH and I have been trying for baby #2 for five cycles now and no luck. I know 5 months isn't particularly long but each month I'm symptom spotting and though telling myself I'm not pregnant, I keep secretly believing that I am and break my heart over each negative test. DD was conceived on the first cycle so we were incredibly lucky but it left me with the silly notion that it would happen easily again. I sobbed all morning over 2 negative tests (no I didn't trust the first one apparently) and just can't go on like this. Everyone says to relax but frankly it's just not possible for me. How do you cope and manage the sadness and frustration? I keep making assumptions like 'oh I'll drive at Christmas because I'm sure I'll be pregnant by then so no drinks for me' or refusing to buy tickets to a concert I'd love because I may have a newborn by then. I feel like I'm living in limbo and feel so lonely!

Any advice would be appreciated, thank you if you read this far!

Hey hun! Had to reply as I could have written this myself! Also conceived DD straight away three years ago. Just finished fertile week of cycle 5! This last couple of months I've actually coped much better and put it down to a number of reasons. I've made a conscious decision NOT to symptom spot I.e. no googling! I've also accepted I'm now older and it will take longer. I've also committed to not testing early or counting down to AF due date. Basically giving it less headspace so I don't feel as resentful when I'm not pregnant! I've also been focusing lots on self care-gym and healthy eating etc-helps me feel that I'm taking a bit of control back. Finally, I've also been making lots of plans, and continuing to make plans as if I won't have have a baby eg booking theatre tix for next year so that I feel like I'm still 'living'. I'm also really focusing on enjoying my DD even more than I do usually. Every month that I don't conceive number two I just feel more and more lucky to have her! Sending love. TTC is horrific xxx

@newtolineofduty

Thank you so much for responding ☺️ sounds like we're in exactly the same situation! Well done on being so proactive. I definitely think I need to start being the same, I'm so so grateful for DD and have also started being able to take some time for myself every now and then as she's nearly 2 and a half and for the first 2+ years I never went out with friends without bringing DD along or did anything for myself. It's the way I wanted it but glad of some personal time every now and then so will try to focus on that. Can feel the hope building again though as no signs of AF yet so wondering if I ovulated later and could still have a chance for this month. I decided not to test for ovulation this month to try and be calmer haha, typical! Definitely torturing myself. Sending you good thoughts and baby dust xxx

@wannabemumof2 hi! Similar situation- I have just finished cycle 5 of TTC first baby. I know a lot of people who, like you, conceived first time on number 1. I am wondering how they’ll find number 2 because it is bloody hard even just 5 cycles in.

Firstly, I don’t think you should make or not make plans based on something that’s not happened yet. You just never know when you’ll become pregnant again. I am finding this very hard myself but only in terms of my job because ideally I would like to move on but because of my notice period I could be starting another job pregnant which I don’t think would go down well at all… (I’m a teacher and would be going into a deputy head role).

I convinced myself I was pregnant last cycle. I took 2/3 tests between 10 and 13DPO. I was so upset so I guess like everyone says, don’t build up hopes until you’re actually late for AF.

I am maybe a 3 weeks into reading this forum and it does help to feel in the same boat as other women. I haven’t told family / friends we are trying to conceive and don’t intend to so having somewhere to share concerns has been amazing. Keep posting here if you find it useful to talk. They’ll alwYs be someone willing to chat and answer questions xxx

Hi @FlyOnTheWall89 thank you for your response ☺️

I agree, it's so difficult! When you out 5 months into perspective, it's nothing. But when you're TTC it feels like forever. I know I should go about my life as normal and just book things but I overthink it all as I had a few things booked for 2019 which was the year I had DD, I had to give tickets to friends as we hadn't expected to conceive so quickly, wish that was my problem now!

I hope things work out for you with your career decisions. It's impossible to know what to do for the best isn't it, there's no telling how long it'll take to conceive but you don't feel like you can just carry on as though you weren't TTC either!

Thank you, yes the same here we've kept it a secret and it feels so lonely! Think I need to be more active on here so that I have some company. Sending you best wishes and baby dust xxx

@wannabemumof2 I also find I feel way better when my cycle starts again. More positive, another chance, a fresh month etc. So if you feel really down, just think it will probably get better (even if it’s a negative again which sends you into negative teary mess for a few days like me).

This month we are both taking ALL the vitamins and I feel much better than I did last week. X

@wannabemumof2 I completely feel you frustration!

We are of cycle 7 now, trying for baby 1. Although I know 7 cycles are not that long in the greater scheme of things, it feels very long to me and it's difficult not to start panicking and loose hope.

At the start I was also hesitant to make plans in advance, because I was sure I'd be pregnant by then. Now I really make an effort to try and live my life as normally as possible, and I think it helps a bit. If I do get pregnant, we can always rearrange on cancel the plans.

I also have the terrible habit of calculating the potential "due date" every cycle and thinking how far along I'll be a certain points. I'm trying my best to stop doing that.

Something else that helps me is to try and keep very busy (especially during the TWW) and to avoid google every little thing (saying that while I was busy googling things on mumsnet ) and to talk to my husband when I feel overwhelmed (none of my friends really know so it can be very lonely).

I'm not sure if this post is very helpful at all, I guess I just wanted to say what you are feeling is normal, and you are not alone in feeling that. This whole ttc thing is difficult and frustrating. It's such an emotional rollercoaster. I really hope you have someone to talk to and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that you won't have to wait much longer .

@wannabemumof2 I understand your feelings completely.

With my dd, I ttc for 8 months and fell pregnant. Had a mmc and then it took another 8 months to conceive her. The first 8 months felt like a lifetime and the second 8 were stressful, heartbreaking and distressing for me. Both times I fell pregnant I'd 'given up'. I also had fertility acupuncture and with my first pregnancy, I fell pregnant that cycle first time but with the second pregnancy, it took 3 months of acupuncture.

You will get there and I understand it's frustrating, particularly as you were first time with your first child. Unfortunately, it just comes down to luck.

I'm on the first month of ttc number 2 and I'm fully expecting a long journey.

@FlyOnTheWall89 looks like AF is making a sly appearance today after all so I'm going to take a page out of your book and try to see it as a positive thing and a fresh start for cycle 6 instead of sobbing as I want to 🙈 I've been taking pregnacare conception since May and think I might get DH to start taking some vitamins too.

@BabyFeet92 I thought I was the only one calculating my due date during each cycle! So glad it's not only me who does that! Such a bad habit though, makes the negative tests even more painful. You're right though, I need to live more for the here and now rather than making plans as though I'm already pregnant. Thank you for your support and advice, sending love.

@Chanel05 I'm so so sorry for your loss, what a strong person you are. I'm sending you all the baby dust possible and wishing you all the best, it's such a difficult journey.

Thank you so much all your responses, feeling less lonely for the first time in months ❤️

@wannabemumof2 TTC is one of the most stressful things I have ever had to deal with in my life. I feel the pain in every thread I read about TTC struggles. All I would say is please please please don't put life plans on hold. I have been TTC for 5 years and did just that for 4 of those and now look back with some regrets. I wish you the best possible outcome but please also enjoy your life as much as you can right now. Life is incredibly precious xx

@wannabemumof2 Oh I have done many googling sessions re dates haha. I am less bad now. I think I was very overly excited. It really is such a stressful time. Wise words @WutheringMights - hoping for your BFP soon. xx

@WutheringMights thank you so much for your response, it really put things into perspective. I'm so sorry your TTC journey has been so long, I can't even imagine the strength and resilience you have. I'm sending you so much love, hope and baby dust. You're right, I need to start living for me again and not being so obsessive. I find myself watching so many pregnancy related videos online and just sob my heart out while watching them, DH must think I've lost the plot! I think it's time to let go a little as much as it hurts to say that, just see what happens instead of letting it rule my life.

I am in exactly the same position to you @wannabemumof2 @newtolineofduty @FlyOnTheWall89. DS will be 3 years in 2 weeks was super easy. Started trying for the 2nd, jut finished my 5th cycle and came on today :( much like you guys trying to convince myself I'm not pregnant each month but secretly hoping I am only to be disappointed again. Tried so much. Vitamins for both me and DH, preseed, ovulation sticks digital and non digital. Loads of DTD and then DTD every other day. Just nothing working and it's heartbreaking. Best friend is also pregnant (started trying at the same time and she caught straight away, she also has a DS 4 months older than my DS). It's just so hard isn't it

@Kk200989 yes sounds like there's a lot of us in the same position, if there's anything this thread is teaching me, it's that although we feel so lonely going through this, we're far from alone!

It's so hard not to get your hopes up, especially when you're doing everything you can. It's so painful seeing people's pregnancy announcements, no matter how happy you are for them. I feel so conscious of the age gap, I feel as though time is ticking! I wanted a max of 3 year age gap, originally postponed ttc due to covid then decided to start trying anyway, wish I'd started sooner now!

@Kk200989 guys, lets keep this thread going since we are such similar positions.

I have a friend who was married in July and one who is getting married next April and I am already dreading that the one who just got married will be pregnant any day now and the other one has said they are starting as soon as they are married. I fear I will not be pregnant by then :-(. Must try to stay positive. I just bought pre-seed. My DH is scandi and these nicotine pouches are super popular there. He has a very intense full on job and is a very regular user. We hadn't really thought about the impact but we have been doing some reading and he is going to drastically cut down now. Fingers crossed.

We got married in July and left it until then to try, but again wish we had started trying sooner. Aware I'm getting older as well (just turned 32) so that worries me. So nice to speak to people in a similar position as it can feel very lonely. On to another cycle and trying again, fingers crossed and baby dust to all of us. It WILL happen! X

I would love to keep this thread going, it's the first day I've not felt so alone!

Fingers crossed for us all to have our bfp soon. In the meantime let's keep each other sane!

Similar situation here, my best friend is going to start TTC at the end of the year and I'm dreading the thought of her catching before me. I'd be so incredibly happy for her but we speak daily and I can't imagine how much more difficult it would make my journey!

@wannabemumof2 I'm finding it son hard, she knew we are trying so she's waiting for good news and it's getting to a point I just don't want to talk about babies or pregnancy because I feel so down is not happening for me. Then I feel selfish and feel worse again. But so nice to vent and speak about it and know others are in the same boat at the same time. My DH doesn't quite understand, he's really supportive but it's just not the same when you are the one who wants for your time of the month and it appears :(

@Kk200989 I completely understand, my friend is so excited to start ttc so I'm trying not to talk about my situation, it just brings the mood down! All my friends/family have been asking when we're having another too so it's just getting a bit overwhelming now. Yes my DH is so empathetic but he will openly admit that he has no idea what I'm going through, though he wants another baby, he's a lot more casual about it and as you say, it's not him experiencing the symptoms or lack thereof! It's so tough but I'm finding it ever so slightly better today, thanks to all of you!

We are TTC number 2-cycle 13 I think or so. When I was pregnant with my 1st (straight away) I didn’t know I was pregnant up until nearly 8 weeks which I was in shock. And was travelling and hiking like crazy not knowing I’m pregnant.
Trying to plan/book things again etc as it’s taking long now and I don’t know if or when it happens, so need ‘“to live” now..
Good luck everyone with bfps hopefully soon.

Hi. Is this thread still going? I’m on cycle 7 of TTC number 3. It took 1 month with my first and 8 months with my second but I forgot how bad the journey is and currently really struggling 😭💔

@Hoping43 hello!! Yes it is still going in my eyes :-). I am on Cycle 6 TTC number 1. It is quite a journey and one I didn't expect to find so mentally draining and challenging. It is amazing that is isn't talked about more widely and there is a stigma about it taking a long time. It is immensely lonely because so few friends know and most of my friends with babies seemed to become pregnant within 4 cycles. I am on CD12/13 so I am currently in the thick of it as it were and hopeful this month could be the one.... but it is a bit relentless!!!!

Did you approach it in the same manner with Baby 1 and 2? Which vitamins / method did you use? x

[quote FlyOnTheWall89]@Hoping43 hello!! Yes it is still going in my eyes :-). I am on Cycle 6 TTC number 1. It is quite a journey and one I didn't expect to find so mentally draining and challenging. It is amazing that is isn't talked about more widely and there is a stigma about it taking a long time. It is immensely lonely because so few friends know and most of my friends with babies seemed to become pregnant within 4 cycles. I am on CD12/13 so I am currently in the thick of it as it were and hopeful this month could be the one.... but it is a bit relentless!!!!

Did you approach it in the same manner with Baby 1 and 2? Which vitamins / method did you use? x[/quote]
Hello. With number one, I didn't do anything. Literally just got pregnant. Had no idea about ovulation timings or anything, was using standard lubricant etc. Second time around I fully expected to get pregnant as quickly so I found it tough when I didn't and all my NCT friends fell really quickly with their seconds and I just couldn't understand why it wasn't happening for me. I did way too much googling and determined there was definitely a problem. Luteal phase, possibly not ovulating, low progesterone... all those things that actually I knew nothing about but just jumped to making assumptions on it all. I had acupuncture, took a high dose of vit d and pregnacare and we used preseed. We started fertility investigations as my cycles were 28-34 days which they classed as irregular. All my bloods were fine, ultrasound was fine, husbands SA also fine. They said I possibly wasn't ovulating because of my "irregular cycles" so I was prescribed letrozole. They literally gave me the option of that or IVF. Anyway, turned out I was pregnant when we had the apt and I didn't know so didn't need anything and it was on the 8th month.

Fast forward three more years and the same cycle is happening again. Since having my second, I have bad night sweats around the time of my cycle so too much googling has convinced me I'm going through the menopause. Same concerns around luteal phase, ovulation, progesterone. I literally don't know what is wrong with me but I seem to be unable to stop myself from terrifying myself with all this googling. I'm approaching 35 now and apparently there is a long waiting list for fertility so GP is happy to start the ball rolling again. I really didn't want to go down that road again but worried if we leave it til 12 months and the waiting list is long then it could be wasting time.

This time I'm taking pregnacare, vit d, coq10, a b complex, vitamin C, omega 3, preseed and having accupuncture.

To add into the mix, my sister started trying at the same time as us and she's having her baby in Dec. It's really really tough and I am struggling to cope, I have to be honest. I am very lucky to have two amazing children and I absolutely know that but my dream is to have three and I don't feel I can rest until it happens.

I feel like my mind set is causing the delay in TTC but I simply cannot relax as I'm sure many of you can relate to x

Hi all hoping I can join?
Reading all your comments definitely makes me feel less alone! All thought were only entering cycle 2 for TTC#2 Its on my mind constantly! We said we would stay relaxed but last cycle I had an Evap line which was heartbreaking as I believed it until I kept getting BFN after and then AF showed early and was awful!!
Baby dust to all..
Xxx

@Hoping43

I think you would be very young for menopause. Night sweats I am sure can be related to many more things than that.

I think you need to be rational (sorry to be brutal). You say with your second it took 8 months... it could be another month and you'll get a BFP! Equally it could be a year.... 93% (apparently) conceive within a year and despite that seeming a dreadfully long time, it is normal (!!). A lady wrote the other day how it took 1 month with her first, 11 with her second and 4 with her 3rd. There seems to be no pattern or logic and that sense of being totally out of control is crippling which I totally understand. It is a difficult process but getting yourself super worked up, as you say, defo will not be helping. You can also take some reassurance that the tests you had done a while ago were fine... yes, they may have changed, but you do not know that.

I have days just like you are having - I actually think I lost weight through the anxiety of it last month but I gave myself a sharp talking to and feel a bit better now. I wish you so much baby dust. My mum always wanted 4 and got there in the end with a 13 - 10 year gap. I am sure your dream will come true xxx

[quote FlyOnTheWall89]@Hoping43

I think you would be very young for menopause. Night sweats I am sure can be related to many more things than that.

I think you need to be rational (sorry to be brutal). You say with your second it took 8 months... it could be another month and you'll get a BFP! Equally it could be a year.... 93% (apparently) conceive within a year and despite that seeming a dreadfully long time, it is normal (!!). A lady wrote the other day how it took 1 month with her first, 11 with her second and 4 with her 3rd. There seems to be no pattern or logic and that sense of being totally out of control is crippling which I totally understand. It is a difficult process but getting yourself super worked up, as you say, defo will not be helping. You can also take some reassurance that the tests you had done a while ago were fine... yes, they may have changed, but you do not know that.

I have days just like you are having - I actually think I lost weight through the anxiety of it last month but I gave myself a sharp talking to and feel a bit better now. I wish you so much baby dust. My mum always wanted 4 and got there in the end with a 13 - 10 year gap. I am sure your dream will come true xxx[/quote]
I know what you mean but I think it's the uncertainty and lack of control that's the problem. When you suffer with anxiety anyway, TTC presents such a huge opportunity for worry x