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dp has told me doesnt want kids ...its my dream

29 replies

needtobeamummy · 02/11/2004 10:33

changed my name for this...totally p'd off with dp, i have had 2 m/c and i am so desperate to try again which he wont even talk about saying he aint ready and he doesnt even know if he wants kids! and unsure if he wants to get married even, this is the only dream i have in my whole world, told him to have a hard think about this as i dont think i can stay with him if thats the way he is feeling, yeaterday i cried non stop even started packing my bags to leave, but i love him so much but cant live my life without the babies i am so desperate for, also been on antibiotic... knowing this could stop the pill workin but kinda on purpose didnt mention anything (this was before i knew his intentions of not wanting kids)... i am feeling quite funny right now, been sick cant stop these emotional crying outbursts, just hoping that i aint pg as i dont wannt bring a baby into this world unwanted totally pissed off as hes always said if it happens hed be thrilled! aaaa so upset its the only dream i have x

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RudyDudy · 02/11/2004 10:37

(((((hugs)))))

so sorry. don't have any wise words i'm afraid but just wanted to give you some support.

welshmum · 02/11/2004 10:37

Do you think the m/c s might be taking their toll on him emotionally? maybe it's a self-protection thing and he doesn't want to get his hopes up?
Could you have a gentle chat and suggest this - when you're both a bit less angry about things?

needtobeamummy · 02/11/2004 10:44

no i think whst has happened is 3 of his friends within 2years have been married and started a family 2 of them have since left there wives and kids as the pressure was too much... wimps! now he seems to be enjoying there single life with them ,never been a one to stop him going out with his friends but hes acting a single lad, and hanging with these guys have all of a sudden put a damper on my dreams and what i thought were his, also it is coming up to 2years since i lost 1st baby and we are going away for weekend and the cheeky * said to me last night i know it coming up to 2years but hope your not going to have a face like an arse all weekend... sick

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welshmum · 02/11/2004 10:49

What an awful thing to say to you.
I hate to ask this but are you sure he's the right bloke to be having your children with?
If you're already thinking about leaving him a baby will put more pressure on your relationship not less. Maybe it would be better to get out and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone who wants children as much as you do and has much more love and respect for you too.
Also is your dream to have kids or to specifically have them with him?

needtobeamummy · 02/11/2004 10:57

over the past couple of days i have thought that too, it all seems to be since his friends have been seperationg from there wives... dunno if this has scared him! things have been purfect totally purfect for the 3years weve been together the most loving trustworthy man i have ever known, i didnt want marrige or kids untill i met him, so yeah i think its my dream to have kids with him! just dunno why he is being such an arse he knows how important it is too me, just had a text from him saying sorry for upsetting me last night

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welshmum · 02/11/2004 11:02

Well that sounds a bit more hopeful. Maybe it's a case of waiting it out a bit then? You could stop talking about the kids issue, go out a bit yourself and then see if it all settles down a bit. Maybe the novelty of being with these guys will wear off and he'll realise all over again what a great thing he has with you and calm down a bit. I think going ahead with children at the moment might be less than ideal.

needtobeamummy · 02/11/2004 11:05

i agree just hope i aint pg, feel funny like cramping slightly, feeling sick and v tired first time ive wanted af to pay me a visit xx thankyou

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Caligula · 02/11/2004 11:13

NTBAM, how old are you?

I would simply advise that women don't have the luxury of waiting around for years on end for men to decide they want children. Men don't have menopauses. They can afford to waste time. Women can't.

It all depends on your age whether you should hang around waiting for clarification on what your DP wants for the future.

Uwila · 02/11/2004 11:24

Sorry, Welshmum, but I totally disagree. I think if you just stop talking about it he'll think you've come round to his way of thinking.

Mind if I ask how old you are, needtobeamummy? Are you in a hurry to start this family? Or do you have a few years before that clock begins to tick?

I wonder if you might be better off telling dp that you are certain that you do not want to not have kids. ANd that he can have a few months to think about and make his decision. And, during these few months, you could make efforts to be a little less available, hence giving him a taste of what life will be like without you. I don't mean anything drastic. Just, when Saturday night comes around, you can go out with the girls. Maybe a girly weekend away. Like Saturday night is always fun woth the boys, but does he really want to be alone on Sunday morning?

I really feel for you. It's a tough decision. My husband played a bit of this game too after we were married. He new up front that I wanted children. I wanted 3, he said 2, I said ok. Then we actually got pregnant on accident. But, I was delighted, and he grew to accept it. Then, with number 2 he started talking that we couldn't afford, and so on. I just looked him staight in the face and told him that I was not under any circumstances willing to consider not having a second child. And. he gave in. We got pregnant straight away. Baby number 2 is due in May/June of 2005.

I knew then and I know now that if I had stayed with him and not had children, I would never have forgiven him. I would have resented him, grown to hate him, and it would have ended in divorce anyway. I really believe that my desire to have children is/was so strong that if it had not been done, the marriage would not have survived.

Oh, I hope you find this helpful. It's a tough decision. Try to look far into the future and what will make you happy then, not what is easiest for you today. At least that's my philosophy on life. I try to look at long-term happiness before short term happiness.

needtobeamummy · 02/11/2004 11:26

i'm 26, i know i'm still young..(ish) but frightened im going to find it hard to get pregnant or when i do fall that i will miscarry again ... and wanna be a young(ish) mum, dp is 33.

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Uwila · 02/11/2004 11:30

Can you go away this weekend? Visit a sister or friend? Just be unavailable. Let him think you are contemplating departure and then gauge his reaction.

needtobeamummy · 02/11/2004 11:31

thankyou Uwila i do agree with you i go out most weekeends with the girls mostly because dp is unavailable .. just dying to settle down

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needtobeamummy · 02/11/2004 11:36

we are going to lake district with my friends and his friends... disappeared for a couple of hours last night came back and he didnt even realise i had gone, didnt take my car had visions of him worried i was wandering the cold streets, no such luck no reaction whatso ever ...men

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Caligula · 02/11/2004 11:36

I have a young friend who has been through almost exactly this with her now fiance. About a year ago, he started saying he wasn't sure he loved her, didn't know whether he wanted to get married, blah blah, so she said, OK, I do want to get married and have children, so I'm going to find a man who does know that he wants that, bye!

The upshot was, he realised that his attempts to negotiate a better deal would fail, because my young friend (who was also 26 going on 27 at the time) was absolutely focussed in what she wants from life, and was determined to get it with or without him. He decided that he loved her enough for it to be with him. So they're getting married in January. She's now 28.

My point is, time goes very quickly. One minute you're in your twenties and have loads of it, next minute you're thirty two and realise that if you have to find another man to have kids with, you're going to be an older mum. So if you want to be a young mum, you have to make your decisions in your twenties.

Uwila · 02/11/2004 11:39

With your friends and his friends? Is this a couple thing? That might actually be good if it is.

(darn, I just got busted by my boss for being on mumsnet) oops.

Uwila · 02/11/2004 11:45

BTW, don't go wondering around in the cold and dark by yourself. What were you thinking? Besides, the whole idea is for him to worry.

Men are dumb. We exist to guide them (an unfortunate burden for us!) When he realises this (although some never do) and decides to follow you, he will be happy. But if he wants to pretend that he can be a single boy for the rest of his life, he will end up lonely because women simply don't put up with that rubbish.

He may come around... How long are you willing to wait?

welshmum · 02/11/2004 11:49

I just meant that a little bit of cooling off can be a good thing. You could restate your position and tell him that you're going to leave him to think about it for a while...a little while - depending on how long you want the while to be.

needtobeamummy · 02/11/2004 11:55

wasnt really wandering round in the cold my best friend picked me up round the corner and we went to the pub ...
i told him the longest at an extreem push i would wait is 2 year and if his mind has not changed within that time. which i think iam being more than fair i am gone, which he answered , are you only using me for babies... yeah mate whatever, you could earn a fortune if you could suss out mens minds... doh!

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needtobeamummy · 02/11/2004 11:57

Uwila me at work too screen is tiny so not to be seen so excuse all my errors xx

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needtobeamummy · 02/11/2004 12:01

weekend is me and dp, my sis and dp, 2 my single friends and 2 of his single friends x

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Caligula · 02/11/2004 12:31

"only using me for babies"

What the f* do they think they're for?

In the case of my x, it was all he was good for!

Couldn't even put shelves up, which might have put him to some use.

But that's another thread!

needtobeamummy · 02/11/2004 12:33

i know thats what your put here for matey!....... i do all diy too, bloody hell maybe i should trade him in!

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bundle · 02/11/2004 12:33

do you really want to wait 2 yrs to see if he wants a family? would you stay with him if he didn't? (ie is he the one?)

needtobeamummy · 02/11/2004 12:38

well ive always thought he was the one, but speaking bout it is making me think , not one to tell my problems so this has been great, thanks. 2 years is a long time when i am so broody right now, anyone think working on him would be a good idea? think if i knew that i wasnt going to miscarry again id be fine to wait 2 years but what happens if it recurrent and it takes me ages to have my bamino x am i being selfish do you think? x

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bundle · 02/11/2004 12:45

no i don't think you're being selfish and him being honest is good too (in the long run) because you're both putting your cards on teh table. dh had severe wobbles before we ventured down the path of babies, so it can be rectified - but only if you both want to