TTC 35+ Thread 8

[M4v3r1ck]

New thread ladies! Hope this works! 😃

Definitely give the low alcohol stuff a go @Marvellouslymadmum, there’s really nice stuff around now. I love the small beer (that’s the brand), lovely, drink. Ideal for the Easter weekend if the sun is shining!

Well, I’m officially giving up testing for ovulation. It’s been 2 days of low and 11 days of high on the trot now. What will be will be.

Stepping out into the garden for some sun before my next teams call!

@Twelvestars @thislittlebird I couldn’t agree more. One step at a time! It’ll feel like a miracle just to see that BFP for the first time ever!

@wj82 my son is autistic and has adhd and I had him when I was 25. Autism just means the brain is wired differently, they understand things differently and do things differently that's all. It doesn't mean he was in any way not a 'healthy baby' if you really feel like you're no going to be able to cope with or feel guilty for having an autistic child then i would seriously consider if you want to carry on ttc

I know. I'm seriously considering that too. I feel I may be too selfish for TTC when it may mean harm to my baby.

Sorry that I was insensitive. But ever since my chemical pregnancy, I worry about everything and anything. I read up so much that I start to think having a healthy baby is out of reach for me.

@wj82 I've had two mc and two cp and I understand it's very difficult, if you want to carry on ttc you have to try and remind yourself that cp and mc are mostly due to there something not being quite right, it could be down to egg or sperm quality, chromosomal abnormalities etc it doesn't make it any easier but it does help. Most women have cp and don't even know about them, just assume that their af is a couple of days later than expected it's only through testing early that most don't find out, it's one of the reasons I don't test early, that and the constant bfn are just so disheartening. A large percentage of women also suffer mc when ttc unfortunately it comes as part of it for a lot of people as well as the heartache and disappointment but when you do get your bfp and heathy pregnancy and baby it's all worth it.

@Loladoodle Ahh - yes. So great to have this mindset I think. As me and the DH met late we just didn’t want to look back and have regrets. So, we are giving it a good go, but I refuse to let this journey define me. I am not a success/failure based on whether or not i am a mother. And THINK of the disposable income...;-p

@wj82 Now listen here young (and i do mean YOUNG compared to me!) lady! Stop this nonsense right now! The world is gonna turn and your path is going to be exactly what it’s supposed to be for you. The statistics are, however horrifying they feel now, HUGELY in your favour. The risks are 3-5% if autism is in your family and about 1-2% (I am rounding up) if not. Even in the OLDEST parents it only rises by 0.08%. Age of father is actually what nudges that up, FYI....not us girls.

There are risks with EVERY pregnancy. Then risks with infants (cot death anyone.? Rolling on them/dropping them). Then there are risks with toddlers (tiny, suicidal, drunks that explore by putting EVERYTHING THEY TOUCH) in their mouths. Then children (peadophiles/ swimming pool accidents/farm animals to name a few...). Then teenagers (alcohol/drugs/jumping off sh*t to impress someone they fancy...). The risks of losing something so precious, or it being damaged are endless, and will never, EVER end.

Anxiety is part of parenting. What you feel now will increase infinitely once a baby is there. But at every step the odds are in your favour. Honestly! So my advice is STOP GOOGLING POINTLESS SHIT. We’ve all been there, it does nothing but make you want to down a bottle of tequila and none of us can do that right now because EGG QUALITY, so step away from the keyboard, listen to a podcast about something fluffy, remind yourself that you can do this and jump your partner later. xxxxx

@Marvellouslymadmum 👏 👏 👏 F**king bravo to you! I was going to add that autism, whilst certainly presents challenges, does not mean the absence of a happy, healthy child. It’s a spectrum disorder after all and I know several very functional people with autism. I myself am ADD and it’s an absolute blessing.

@Marvellouslymadmum thanks. You didn't have to spend time explaining all these to an internet stranger but you did. Thank you...

I wish someone has talks about women and fertility so we are more educated/ aware about our choices but maybe it's just me that is a late bloomer.

I opened the pandora box of fertility struggle six months ago and ever since then it's only been harder each month. My friend had a stillborn the week I had my cp. She told me about her labour and it's simply heartbreaking.

I often question whether I have the emotional strength to proceed with this journey. I am reading self help books trying, researching more about nutrients and TTC (which inevitably lead me to those worrying stats etc). I reach out to friends to understand if there is a life without children. I am so fixated in this journey yet fear so many things, so I want to know that life without children is ok too.

I keep apologising to my husband for not being able to make him a father to which he called me silly.

I think I need counselling but it doesn't seem easy finding fertility counselling apart from those attached to fertility clinics.

Sorry ladies. I indulge myself too much here...thanks for putting up with me thusfar..

@Geriatric1234

You make me laugh! For the first time today! Young! Me like.

I am just feeling guilt. I read up about ABA and even enquire about early intervention.

I am mentally disturbed and even fear that my anxiety will impact my egg quality.

You ladies are right. Always have been. I need to put my Google down.

I am going to stop all these nonsense. It's just pointless.

@wj82 😂 😘

Atta girl!

And - and I really cannot be blunter than this - OF F**KING COURSE LIFE IS FINE WITHOUT CHILDREN. I’m 42 and I’ve loved every second of my barrens, childless, spinster life up until now. My gang of spinster pals and I delight in holidaying off-peak times and meeting up for brunches and day drinking whenever we want. I’m a published author, run two businesses and own 2 houses because I had time to work and earn all through my 30s.

And OBVS I’m truly hoping that my TTC journey will end in a BFP and a BFHappyMeAndDH Mini-Us, but that will be the sprinkle on top of the cherry on top of the cream on top of the massive meringue. It will be a wonderful treat, but the pavlova will still be delicious without the sprinkle.

I agree, talk this through with someone. Check your anxiety isn’t sabotaging you. Your worries are normal but they shouldn’t be forcing you out of decisions due to fear.

Big love! X

I missed the fruit bit of the pavlova. Standard pandemic diet I guess....

@wj82 I work with children and young adults who have autism and it’s a wonderful job, so rewarding, they bring so much joy to their parents and lead happy enriched lives so please don’t think it’s all doom and gloom. They are wonderfully unique! As we all are!

And as other people have said and you know yourself, it’s not something you should be sitting there fretting about! Life is completely unpredictable.

@Marvellouslymadmum my most heartfelt and sincerest apologies if my response to @wj82 came across as an insinuation that an autistic child was not a “healthy baby”. Definitely not what I was thinking or meant to say. Very bad choice of words. I don’t know if it helps my case that I have had a very awful and busy day today. Nothing has gone right today so that’s one of them.

Anyways what I was trying to say is that such worries and challenges that could possibly come at any stage or phase of one’s parenthood journey are not related so much to our age but could happen to anyone trying for a baby. One of my closest friends works with autistic children and @Misty84 she echoes your sentiments about the enriching experience.

All the positivity on here is why I love mumsnet. It’s helps to stop my wallowing.

@wj82 as someone who is also struggling with the emotions of ttc all I can suggest is taking small steps to get you to a better place. So start by having a day or couple of days where you ban yourself from googling, then try some things like mindfulness or yoga where you have to concentrate on something else (even if it’s just 5 mins), then also start thinking what you would want your life to be if you didn’t have children. In my little steps I’ve decided that if I’m not pregnant by September I’ll go on a nice holiday (obviously may not happen due to the pandemic) as it gives me something to look forward to and focus on instead of just seeing a future of babies. I need to work on my longer term plan more.

I find if I try to make too big a change I don’t do it and then stress I didn’t manage to do it.

I’m also trying to do something each day that will make me feel like I’ve made a step in the right direction - whether that’s distracting myself for a bit by reading or avoiding the internet. Then at least I have something I can feel good about.

I am sorry ladies if I offend any of you.

I always think if I ever be so lucky to be a mother, what I feel no longer matters. So it's very comforting to know that autistic kids lead an enriching life - coz that's very important to me.

I fully understand it's a spectrum and I guess my worry stems from me not being able to support my imaginary child and not knowing how to be a good imaginary mother.

On a separate note, I guess my stress has caused my ovulation to get all messed up. It's cd11 and I got a 50% lh surge on cheapie and a peak fertility on clearblue. No longer know which is right lol

@Geriatric1234 your words are gems.

@wj82 here’s an article that I have probably shared here a couple of times by now.

www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/

All the anxiety you’re feeling, about ttc or other life issues, I’ve been there and even to this moment as I type this out I am probably anxious about something (what to make for dinner 😂) I live with GAD - generalized anxiety disorder - and so ...

When I embarked on ttc back in January, I was very anxious about every single thing, my ovaries, my future, the past, why did I not ttc at 35, everyone around me, are they looking at me a certain way because I just hit 37 and childless? The list goes on and I would tear up morning and night. But then I was like “hey you, STOP! What are you doing!” This is no way to live and if I have any good chance at conceiving, all this anxiety will definitely be counterproductive.

I’ve had to work so hard on myself over the past several months: first to address my sudden feelings of regret, second to accept my choices for delaying trying for a baby and third and most importantly to remind myself that my worth as a woman is not defined by being a mother. Motherhood is just one piece of the puzzle and there are many pieces that make up the whole.

Yes, I will give this my best shot and I will explore almost every possible option out there. To know that I tried my best. And if it doesn’t happen then it’s not in the stars for us. And my husband and I are both okay with what’s in store for us, whatever it may be. This is a conversation that must be had.

You know what, all my sisters in law and my female friends adore their kids and they just make motherhood look so beautiful and rewarding yet in the same token they are honest in sharing the challenges that came along with motherhood at a young age, most of them conceiving in their mid to late 20s and how they’ve had to postpone some plans and dreams. One of them even advised me to delay ttc as much as possible - which I did haha! There are pros and cons to every decision we take at any given stage of our lives.

And honestly, take this one step at a time. Let’s go ahead and achieve that BFP and we’ll deal with every trimester one step at a time. There’s no point thinking that far ahead anyways when we are barely in control of the day after tomorrow.

@wj82 please take a massive step away from Google! All children face challenges throughout their lives, some you can predict, most you can't. You will love your child and support them through all their challenges, and do everything in your power to give them a happy and healthy life, because that's what mums do 😘

@Geriatric1234 yes girl!! 🥂 to you. If we are all still childless in two years time we can set up a thread to discuss all the amazing fun things that we are able to do because we have the free time and money to do them! ✈🏖🍹💃

Evening all 😊

Wow I've just read through everything catching up. I think you are all brilliant!

So I'm 7dpo. No symptoms to say much about, but tonight when I wiped I noticed an almost snot like CM, slightly yellow/greeny in colour. This is definitely not usual for me but harder to say as its the first proper month of trying to track everything! Anyone ever have anything similar? Trying not to google 😬

Is anyone testing in the next few days?
X

@Feanorous i had that last month, but like you put it down to just tracking things more. I read that it can be a symptom, though it wasn't for me.

@Geriatric1234 can we be friends?!?....my kinda woman!! Legend x

@Twelvestars As are yours! Though I’m pretty sure my DH would tell you to stop encouraging me (because I’m ALWAYS right and he’s resistant to that theory 🤣). Brilliant to hear how you’ve overcome that anxiety and liberated yourself as a result. Xx

@Kitekat81 Planning it as I type!!!! Though I don’t believe for a second we’ll still be here, it’s good to have plans! 🍹🥂🍻

@JessWi Mate! Yessss! 😉😉😉

@Geriatric1234 I do love your positivity and pep talks they always make me smile! And I agree completely about autism, my son can be absolutely challenging and difficult but he is also an amazing young man.

@wj82 it's a very hard journey and we've all had times where we spiral and feel so very low but it's the ability to pick ourselves up and carry on that makes us the warrior women we are! We've all been there, for me I've been ttc for three years and I've had these moments a couple of times but I've managed to push through. Counselling may well be a good idea for you, it can certainly help and I don't think you would specifically need a fertility councillor I'm sure any one would do or maybe try the acupuncture a lot of people have recommended. Just try and remember that only a small percent of couples actually fall pregnant in the first year of ttc and that's at any age then a greater amount in the second year etc. Just because it hasn't happened yet it doesn't mean it won't. I completely understand the anxiety too, my partner and his son suffer badly and my son a little too and ttc can totally make it worse, definitely talk to someone.

On the autism side, I know Many many parents of autistic children and although we go through tough times (most parents do, ours are just usually more frequent 😂) those little things that they do that a Neurotypical child finds completely natural mean so much more and there's so much love to give and receive - it's mega challenging but mega rewarding

@Twelvestars no you're fine, I knew you probably didn't mean it 'like that' I'm sorry if my message came across a bit grumpy, I do tend to get on my high horse with autism. I completely agree about the pros and cons of ttc and having children at any age too! Well done you for talking yourself out of some of your anxieties too, that's a great achievement!! 👏🏻

And yes we would all be far better off money wise without the children. We have said that if we don't get anywhere with ttc we will take our time together and travel and live a lovely life

I honestly can’t think too far ahead or I will worry about all the things at once (as Geriatric said, there will always be something to worry about in future if this works out). One stage at a time and all that, so I try not to think too far ahead. My focus for now is on if I’m ovulating/how I can ovulate successfully in future/how his next SA is. Beyond that is a little overwhelming, but I know I’m possibly getting help in May. And if that doesn’t work, hopefully ivf later this year.

Evening ladies! The chat keeps exploding and I can't keep up!!! 🤪

Welcome to the newbies!!! 😃😃😃

I can't say this often enough, but this group has helped me so much! You ladies are awesome, amazing, fabulous, fantastic warrior Queens!!! 😘😘😘 Not everyone shares their journey and a lot of what's online and what we hear are when people are struggling, panicking, etc! Look how often Google tells us we have this terrible illness over some mild symptoms! 🤦🏻‍♀️

I know I've said it before and it's hard when the TTC process gets you down and hits you in the gut (trust me, I get those same feelings too), but never regret where you are today or the decisions you've made! 😘 I'm also 100000% in for bottomless champagne brunch club btw!!! 🤪🤣😈

There's a lot of testing soon, so 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻 for some BFPs! CD27 here and I stupidly tested in the middle of the afternoon as I was feeling nauseous! Of course it's a BFN! 🤦🏻‍♀️ I kept saying I shouldn't do it as well! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ps. @Geriatric1234 it's nearly 1030pm here and you're making me want a mahoosive cream-filled, unicorn sprinkle-laden, melted-chocolate-slathered pavlova/meringue!!! Damn you!!! 🤣🤣🤣