Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

People not happy us about trying for a baby..

40 replies

Laulau94 · 21/01/2021 19:29

Hello! I am writing this post maybe to vent a little and get things of my chest..

I’m 26 and I live with my fiancé, whom I have been with for 10 years.

We have our own apartment and we are super happy, so we have decided to start trying for a baby...

I’m very close with my mum, future mother in law and my Nan.. so naturally I shared this news with them that we were thing to conceive and I suffer with anxiety, so felt I would benefit from sharing this with them, so if my anxiety played up at least I had some people to talk to and support me.

My mum and future mum In law, were supportive and happy about the decision and that was pretty much all they said.

However my Nan, who I am probably the closest too.. was absolutely gutted.. she said I must be mental...

This is all because I have had some mental health issues (anxiety/depression) and that’s caused some struggles for me, but I’m managing and doing as best I can.

She just said to me that she was disappointed to here this, she wanted me to have a career first and I have do actually have a degree.

However her reaction has put me off trying now because I’m worried they won’t talk to me anymore and i care so much about pleasing my grandparents and making them happy.

Am I doing the wrong thing trying for a baby? Or am I letting myself be controlled a little bit..

OP posts:
MeanMrMustardSeed · 21/01/2021 19:36

You don’t need their support to try for a baby, but you certainly didn’t need to tell them either. If you’re this easily put off then it might be best to wait a while first. When you’re totally ready, no one will be able to talk you out of it.

Definitely get married first, unless you’re the highest earner and not taking extended maternity leave.

Original poster
Laulau94 · 21/01/2021 20:01

Hi! I think my reason for talking to them about the decision was more because they are my support system for my mental health and in that respect for me, it felt better for me to have them know so that I wasn’t bottling up any concerns which wouldn’t really help me mentally.

I’m not sure if I would say put off, perhaps letting people get in my head. Which then makes me second guess myself.

As for married, we have always said we would love to have our little one as part of our wedding.. but I’m currently off work at the moment due to other things, but fiancé is still working.

OP posts:
LividLoving · 21/01/2021 20:04

Marriage offers legal protections to you and your children.

It’s not about who’s at a party and can be done for around £200.

If you can’t afford that, you can’t afford a baby.

Get married first.

tellthem · 21/01/2021 20:05

I think there's probably a lot to this that you aren't saying which suggests they are right to be more concerned.. you are unmarried, not working, sounds like you still struggle with mental health issues, live in an apartment and are only 26. it sounds like there are a few things you could sort out first to be in a much more secure position before having a child.

Original poster
Laulau94 · 21/01/2021 20:08

Hey. Thanks for the reply, our wedding is ready to be booked, we have saved for a couple of years, we have just been putting it off because of all the cancellations relating to the pandemic really. But I see your point regarding protection.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laulau94 · 21/01/2021 20:11

I would say there is anything I’m not saying, I’m going to be married very soon, it just didn’t seem sensible to be booking it in a pandemic. I have a degree and do work, it’s just not a career to them, they would describe it more as just a job I think.

As for my apartment, I own it. It’s ground floor with a garden in a nice area and I decided I didn’t want the maintenance of a house really. With my mental health, I think I will always struggle with that, but manage it fairly well, I am worried that I could end up never doing anything just because I have mental health issues.

OP posts:
Namechange8471 · 21/01/2021 20:11

Yes get married first, then crack on!

WineInTheWillows · 21/01/2021 20:15

If you own your apartment and then marry him, you suddenly only own half of an apartment. Are you bringing more assets than he is to the marriage?

Toilenstripes · 21/01/2021 20:16

Can you say why you’re not currently working? You seem quite vulnerable, not being married, not working and struggling with your mh. Also, I would be concerned about getting pregnant during a pandemic and dealing with the stress and anxiety of being pregnant for the first time. Perhaps you could wait for a year until life in general stabilises?

Allyy · 21/01/2021 20:23

Sounds like you have a very stable relationship, and a stable environment for a baby. You are working and capable of having a career with your degree plus your fiancé is working so I don't think you have any issues there. If your relationship is a happy and healthy one I don't see an issue with having a child at this point and then having a career. If you are diagnosed with mental health issues like depression anxiety, etc. This will always be a part of who you are and if you are coping well I wouldn't worry about what your family are saying if you feel confident managing your mental health and a baby. They are just looking out for you it seems, but if you are in the right place in your life and relationship, I think you should try and you can always get married whenever the restrictions lift xx

tellthem · 21/01/2021 20:25

@Allyy she isn't working.

If your partner loses his job.. what then? do you have significant savings built up to cover this time that you're not working and through maternity? is there a mortgage on your apartment?

Allyy · 21/01/2021 20:32

@tellthem OP said she has a job but is not a 'career' is what I was referring to. I agree about the savings comment though if things do go south, especially during the pandemic whether you can financially support a baby

Happygoluckygirly · 21/01/2021 20:33

Hey, you seem to be aware of yourself, I know a few of the other posters are saying you aren’t working, however it sounds too me that you maybe are employed and perhaps on leave, so I’m not going to assume your unemployed.

It’s fantastic that you have a a stable relationship and are planning to get married soon. Also having your own home is a great start.

I think perhaps your family may be concerned because you have mental health issues, but it doesn’t sound like they are very serious and you seem to be aware of them and considering them in your thoughts about becoming pregnant.

I think only you know if this is the right thing for you, I don’t agree with the “you must be married” or you “only live in an apartment” etc and I certainly don’t think that mental health problems mean you cannot become pregnant if your condition is under control.

I think If you think on it a little more, I’m sure you will come to the right decision. 😊

Bluetrews25 · 21/01/2021 20:35

I'd be concerned that you got together with your partner when you were only 16. People can change a lot as they mature. Is he still right for you, and you for him?

Happygoluckygirly · 21/01/2021 20:36

@tellthem

I think she is working also, I think she might be having a bit of time away from work, but she does sound employed, I agree with savings being ideal and of course we don’t know if she has any or not, but I just wanted to point out that there is other types of support available for people who do find themselves out of work. So she could always consider that if the situation happened, however I suppose we can’t assume to know if she has savings or not.

MoreMorelos · 21/01/2021 20:40

I'm a bit confused as you said you weren't working then said you were but in a career type job, are you currently signed off for your MH?

MoreMorelos · 21/01/2021 20:40

*not in a career type

tellthem · 21/01/2021 20:45

of course and OP may have mortgaged paid off and all savings sorted so totally a none issue. I'm just trying to understand why her family may not feel so supportive, and if there are issues such as these that we are raising then at 26 it would make sense to wait a year or two whilst these were made as low risk as possible before trying. having a baby is hard enough isn't it, without additional money, mental health, social isolation and a pandemic thrown into the mix

partyatthepalace · 21/01/2021 21:00

Are you giving a full picture here? Are they worried you don’t have earning capacity or you aren’t working because you aren’t well?
It seems extreme to say you are worried your GPs will stop taking to you.

Anyway I wouldn’t plan a baby without having a career plan sorted (with a viable plan to take time off for the baby). You don’t want to rely entirely on your partner - he could become ill, you could separate, and you want to have your own money - or at least have the capacity to make it if you had to. I wouldn’t have a baby without being married either, it’s very risky for you.

It’s also slightly worrying that you seem so concerned with pleasing people - it’s a very ‘young’ thing to say. Perhaps your granny just thinks you need a few more years before you are really grown up enough? You should do what you want - but if you love and respect her it might be worth asking her,

May172010 · 21/01/2021 21:18

Don’t worry about what other people say to you but if I were you I would consider the following before having a baby:

  1. Is your job stable or flexible? 2. Can you afford childcare, and where is your nearest childcare? 3. Will your mum and MIL help? 4. Is your boyfriend ready to put the child first and properly parent with you? 5. Is your place big enough? 6. The local schools - decent? Otherwise, you might have to move.
It is your decision if you want to have a baby but just be sensible. Of course, my DC is the best thing ever, but despite being ten years older then you when having her, I struggled mentally. It’s was exhausting. Your relationships, your career, your friendships change...It’s normal but I wish someone told me this so I could prepare better.
Unicorn93 · 21/01/2021 21:22

Wow these comments, why should she be married first? Surely being together in a relationship for 10 years shows that they are settled enough!???

Jobsharenightmare · 21/01/2021 21:26

The thing is 10 years from 32-42 is very different from 16-26. You may not now it yet, but there is a good chance this is a starter marriage to be, where once the wedding is over you and all the focus and distraction that brings has gone, one or both of you realise you are very different people (now adults) and do not have a lifetime together ahead after all. I wonder if your family, with age and wisdom from seeing other couples split by 30, are also thinking about this, not just your MH.

Twizbe · 21/01/2021 21:27

@Unicorn93

Wow these comments, why should she be married first? Surely being together in a relationship for 10 years shows that they are settled enough!???
Legally being together 10 years means bugger all.

There are a lot of legal protections offered by marriage which should be seriously considered before being rejected.

It's absolutely fine to have a child without marriage. However, both parties need to be fully aware of what that means legally for yourselves and your child.

Jobsharenightmare · 21/01/2021 21:27

Gosh sorry for those typos!

  • Wedding is behind you I meant
Happygoluckygirly · 21/01/2021 21:30

@unicorn93 that’s what I was thinking, if she wasn’t already out off, she probably will be now.

Describing it as starter marriage not knowing a thing about their relationship is ridiculous, they could be very happy, who knows what they have been through. Love at first sight can exist.

Swipe left for the next trending thread