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Conception

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Original poster

People not happy us about trying for a baby..

40 replies

Laulau94 · 21/01/2021 19:29

Hello! I am writing this post maybe to vent a little and get things of my chest..

I’m 26 and I live with my fiancé, whom I have been with for 10 years.

We have our own apartment and we are super happy, so we have decided to start trying for a baby...

I’m very close with my mum, future mother in law and my Nan.. so naturally I shared this news with them that we were thing to conceive and I suffer with anxiety, so felt I would benefit from sharing this with them, so if my anxiety played up at least I had some people to talk to and support me.

My mum and future mum In law, were supportive and happy about the decision and that was pretty much all they said.

However my Nan, who I am probably the closest too.. was absolutely gutted.. she said I must be mental...

This is all because I have had some mental health issues (anxiety/depression) and that’s caused some struggles for me, but I’m managing and doing as best I can.

She just said to me that she was disappointed to here this, she wanted me to have a career first and I have do actually have a degree.

However her reaction has put me off trying now because I’m worried they won’t talk to me anymore and i care so much about pleasing my grandparents and making them happy.

Am I doing the wrong thing trying for a baby? Or am I letting myself be controlled a little bit..

OP posts:

relaxtakeiteasyeatcheese · 21/01/2021 21:34

Lots of women have mental health issues and have babies. For the most part they cope fine, support for mums and babies is good , the perinatal service is very good. Plus you have you dp, dm and mil. As harsh as it sounds you don't really need your nans input if she is going to be so negative.

Wyntersdiary · 21/01/2021 21:41

If you really struggle with mh stuff then I don't think you should be thinking about a baby either. Children are really really hard and everything can change so I think you need to be clear of any serious mh issues for atleast 2 years before having a child.

partyatthepalace · 21/01/2021 21:42

@Unicorn93

Wow these comments, why should she be married first? Surely being together in a relationship for 10 years shows that they are settled enough!???

Because it will give her more financial rights in the case of separation.

It’s not a moral judgement.

CorianderBee · 21/01/2021 22:17

You're 26 not 18. And while I'd personally get married first for the protection you're not exactly out of the normal age for a first baby. And, unless you have sudden plans to start a role which they would deem a 'career' it doesn't sound like they'd approve of your chosen job whether you were 21 or 41.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/01/2021 22:21

Forget having a wedding and wasting all that money. Go the the registry office and just get married before you have a baby. The money you've saved can go towards buying a home. Be sensible.

CorianderBee · 21/01/2021 22:23

@Jobsharenightmare

The thing is 10 years from 32-42 is very different from 16-26. You may not now it yet, but there is a good chance this is a starter marriage to be, where once the wedding is over you and all the focus and distraction that brings has gone, one or both of you realise you are very different people (now adults) and do not have a lifetime together ahead after all. I wonder if your family, with age and wisdom from seeing other couples split by 30, are also thinking about this, not just your MH.

I think this opinions a bit weird. They've been together (as adults) for eight years. Why would getting married then mean they realise they're adults and break up? They haven't had the distraction of planning a wedding up until now and been find. And, like I said, they've been adults for eight years and arguably no longer students/graduates for four-ish years.

Why on earth would it be a 'starter marriage'?

CorianderBee · 21/01/2021 22:25

@Aquamarine1029

Forget having a wedding and wasting all that money. Go the the registry office and just get married before you have a baby. The money you've saved can go towards buying a home. Be sensible.

agree with this

Pebbledashery · 21/01/2021 22:33

I think personally, you don't have to be married to have a child..but as pp said.. Make sure you're in a position financially.
Also, i mean this in a way not to put you off.. But having a baby... It really really really tests your mental health. To its absolute limit. I would make sure you have a good network of other people and resources before you even contemplate having a child.. Going through a pregnancy, especially if it's a difficult pregnancy, having a child, breastfeeding, lack of sleep, it all takes its toll on you mentally. Have an honest conversation with your nan.. You in noway have to justify yourself but just placate the situation by telling her you want and need her support as she would be part of your child's life.
I'm a single mother that has come out of a very very abusive relationship and whilst I'm not saying your situation will ever be the same as mine, but I strongly recommend you're in a position financially and mentally to have a pregnancy and raise a child.

cat8986 · 21/01/2021 22:50

@Laulau94
Firstly, I hope you’re okay.

Ignore any posters who have commented on your relationship. That was not the point of your post and they are strangers on the internet. Don’t let them get to you (speaking from experience).

I would echo other PP and focus on your mh right now. Yes you own a house, have a stable relationship and supportive family, albeit your nan hasn’t given her blessing. Perhaps confide in her a little more. She’s the one who knows you best, try and find out her point of view a little more.

There is no rush for a baby at 26, concentrate on yourself first and get the foundations ready for when you do decide to try for a baby. You’ll feel so much better then.

And if you suffer with mh, please vent to a friend or family member and not to the internet.

Good luck xx

TTCPLEASE · 22/01/2021 01:25

Im sorry am I missing something why is e everyone telling OP to get married?? Shes not mentioned anything about her partner. She's simply stated her nan was upset to hear she's trying for a baby. What's all the comments for on her marital status and her apartment and age?? Its not 1950 fgs! You dont have to get married to have a baby. OP sorry to hear you've not received the support you were hoping for off your relatives they are probably a bit protective of you and only want the best. Its your decision if you think you can handle it go for it. Xx

Jobsharenightmare · 22/01/2021 10:24

CorianderBee I suppose I was suggesting that having never had another adult relationship does mean that they may well have grown up together, but it doesn't automatically mean they're still right for each other now..and I was wondering if family were thinking this...given OP thinks they are against this they must have reasons.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 22/01/2021 19:33

@TTCPLEASE

This is an incredibly naive post. It’s fine if you’re willing to put yourself in a legally vulnerable position, but please don’t advise others to do so.

Marriage offers massive legal protections, and since women are often economically disadvantaged by having children, it is almost always well worth having.

TTCPLEASE · 22/01/2021 20:42

@MeanMrMustardSeed wow the shit coming out of your mouth your arse must get jealous. You don't need to comment on her marital status she hasn't mentioned it! She's talking about her nans negative view on her wanting a baby. This is 2021 you Don't need to get married to have a baby. She's not marrying a millionaire and wanting a pay check out of having a baby its not a transaction. What if her partner got into debt? Then ran off it would also be on her if they were married. So it doesn't make any difference. Sort your head out.

Penguinmumma · 22/01/2021 20:54

@Laulau94 I feel I need to comment here as someone who’s been where you are.

Firstly, ignore some of the awful comments on here. Actually ashamed that ladies on here are actually talking like this to someone who needs support! More people have needed mental health support these past 12 months than ever before so no-one should judge you for that at all.

I have mental health issues. Have done since I was 12 after being abused. I’m now 38 and struggle daily but I live for my DD. She is literally my entire world and she makes me stronger and makes me make sure I get support when I need it as I have to be there for her. Mental health should not be a barrier and your parents and grandparents arent the only support you can have. I didn’t have any parent or grandparents. I had my husband and his parents for support plus my GP and midwife and consultant team (high risk pregnancy for medical reasons).
You will be monitored during pregnancy and after birth for any issues getting worse. I was and I struggled after a traumatic birth but got support fast and came out the other side.

In terms of career. I’m an early childhood teacher. I have two degrees now and help run our under 3s programme. I’m also partially qualified as a lawyer. Having a child doesn’t mean end of any chance of a career. Your grandparents sound very stuck in how things used to be.

In regards to marriage, it’s not the be all and end all. My now husband was still married to someone else when we had our DD. It doesn’t mean you automatically get things or lose any protection. You still have rights as a human and mother to the child. A court will not make you hand over half your apartments worth it make you move out. Usually they order for anything like that to wait until the child is 18.

Go with your gut. If this is what you want, go for it! Make sure you speak to your GP etc so they know and can keep an eye on your mental health etc, but don’t let other people’s small minded opinions limit what you do with your life. It’s your life. No-one else’s! 💗

MeanMrMustardSeed · 22/01/2021 20:58

@TTCPLEASE

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