Did they lie to us?

[SunKissed89]

Hi there. First time starting a new thread on MN. Bit if background...DH and I have been TTC for a couple of months. I came off the pill (Brevinor) in Jan/Feb after being on it since my mid-teens. I originally took it for painful periods (I was sent home from school a couple of times because they were so sore!). I'll be 31 later this week.
Anyway, I digress! Growing up, I remember being taught that it only takes one time to get pregnant if you don't use contraception. It can happen so quickly blah blah blah.
DH and I have been trying for 2 months and nothing yet! I know it's early days but I got really upset at the weekend when I began spotting and then I got my full blown period this morning.
Did they lie to us all those years ago? I get it was to protect us from unwanted teenage pregnancies but what about when we're older and actually want to start a family? Where's our protection from the mental exhaustion that we go through at thus stage of our lives?
I know it's still early days in our TTC journey, but argh!

No they didn’t lie to us. Of course you can get pregnant from one incidence of unprotected sex. Doesn’t mean you definitely will though.
My first took 13 months to conceive. My second was conceived while I was on the mini pill (no missed pills). My third took 2 months.
Saying ‘if you have unprotected sex you could get pregnant’ isn’t the same thing as saying ‘you will get pregnant the first time you have unprotected sex’.

it only takes one time to get pregnant

It does only take one time. When you do get pregnant it will be from one specific time you had sex. Pregnancy is not caused by a build up of semen over a period of time. I suggest to do some reading about human reproduction.

I get it was to protect us from unwanted teenage pregnancies but what about when we're older and actually want to start a family?

You’re 31 so I can tell you that it absolutely was taught to you in biology class. You were taught about ovulation and how it only happens once a month, around half way through your cycle. If you didn’t listen in class that is your own fault- no one else’s.

Ok, maybe we all need to think that the OP is struggling and wanted to reach out. She has asked where the information was about supporting mental well-being when TTC - no response has picked up on that and people instead have jumped on other parts of the post. Telling someone they should have listened in class is by no means helpful. Have some sympathy and be kind, there's no need for rudeness. If you cannot put something nicely don't put anything. People come here for support, think before you post.

OP I completely understand your frustrations. Whilst they did not lie to us they did not say what support is in place for people who are struggling TTC. There are some people who will get pregnant the first time they have sex, there will be others who don't. You're the same age as me, I came off the pill at the end of a March and we are TTC Baby number 1. If you'd like to join a supportive group where no one judges then come over to first-time-ttc-help-please-any-one-else-ttc-for-their-first-time. Xxx

I think you are confused by that statement. If you have sex at the time of ovulation and a sperm meets your egg you will get pregnant but if you have sex say on CD27 you are unlikely to get pregnant if you have a 28day cycle.

No one lied to you.

Speaking as someone who had a lot of fertility issues, and was trying for a very long time, if you’re only in month 2 you need to take a deep breath and calm down. It’s for your own good, else this could be a very stressful experience. It’s completely normal to take upto 1 year to conceive.

I agree with you @SunKissed89. Whilst no one lied to us as obviously it is possible to have sex once and conceive as plenty of people do it and have 'accidents' etc etc I don't think it is pressed enough on ladies just how HARD ttc can be. Plenty of women take a year and upwards to conceive and that's totally normal, but we are told so often how risky unprotected sex can be that when it doesn't happen instantly our immediate thought is 'something is wrong with me'.

I do think there should be more guidance where the pill is concerned at just how long it can take for your body to go back to normal. Some snap back and some don't and theres no rhyme or reason for it.

Don't fret about a few months TTC. Just keep plodding on and it'll happen!

I remember when we started trying I thought well I've never had an accidental pregnancy so maybe I'm going to struggle because at school, teachers always acted as if people got pregnant accidentally all the time!

As it happens, it was relatively quick for me and now I'm worried that we will have an accidental aghhhhh! You spend so many years trying not to get pregnant and then suddenly you are so determined to get pregnant. It's all madness. Fingers crossed for you. Btw pre-seed lube helped us

@SunKissed89 I totally get you! I'm now on to cycle 4 and so over waiting already, I know it's normal for it to take a year or more even when there are no issues but that doesnt make my feel any more patient about it! My mum got pregnant accidentally with me, I dont think she ever would have chosen to have a baby. And now here I am desperate for a child and nada. This is just one of the things in life we have no control over, what will be will be. Best of luck to you and I hope it happens quickly!

Hey. So...I'm the OP. I'm a very sensitive person and deleted my account after reading the first 2 replies as they made me feel like a complete idiot. I've come back after seeing some more supportive words of encouragement.
I know it can take a while and that 80% of couples TTC do so in the first year. I was just looking for a space to vent. I have an incredibly supportive DH who has let me cry it out but I wanted to reach out to fellow MN members who might be feeling the same.
I've done the research, I'm tracking my cycle using the Flo app and patiently waiting for my body to return back to normal after years of being on the pill. I actually said to DH that I'm glad I got my period as it means I can log it and get more accurate predictions.
Thank you to those with words of encouragement, it means a lot and it brought me back here

I wouldn't say lied but I think it's fair to say they have an agenda to prevent teenagers getting pregnant

Apologies OP, mine was the first reply and responded in a practical and factual manner. I didn’t pick up on the fact that you just wanted support/sympathy.
TTC is tough, yes. As I said, my first took 13 months (no known issues) and it was mentally hard.

DC1 - 1night - dunken fumble!!
DC2 - 2 years of regular sex in my fertile time
DC3/4 - 3 months of regular sex during my fertile period

It's not only different for everyone, it's also different for the same woman over different pregnancies!!!

@keepsmiling89

Glad you didnt let negativity stop you :) Have you tried using Ovulation sticks? they are more accurate than an app and will help you narrow down the fertile window-The app may be using an 'ideal' Ovulation day etc. Just an idea so you can be sure you're DTD on the right days

Not lied to but perhaps naive (but we are all guilty of that when it comes to TTC). And I do think more should be taught in schools about fertility - or the lack thereof. Humans are actually one of the least fertile mammals on the planet.

If you are crying and talking about mental exhaustion at month 2 then you really need to get a hold of yourself as you could be in for the long haul - 12 months Is considered "normal" for TTC and more like 24 months for a lot of people

Totally get the frustration.
Especially in the first few months... when you expectations and hopes are high and you really still think that unprotected sex = baby.

Obviously don't wish this on anyone but truth is with time it does settle a little bit and as the months pass and you still aren't pregnant even with all the timing opk temps trying hard etc..
You will learn to chill out a little and more importantly to adjust your expectations.
You still get sad when AF shows up but you will move onto your next cycle ...

As it was correctly said before... this baby business really depends on too many things and there isn't one rule or probability. Even for one couple doing the same things it won't work the same way each time.

Each couples is different and some will conceive with one time effortlessly, some will take 3 months, some 2 years, some more, some will have miscarriages, some will have easy pregnancies some will have tough times, etc etc...

I think the lie is just that we were made to believe that fertility is a textbook thing. But it's the complete opposite. More like looking into a crystal ball... (unless you have a medical condition obviously and need assistance)

So i would say just try to think of the bigger picture and not expect a baby in 9 months every time you have sex. But rather see this as a process that could be more of a marathon...

Be kind to yourself and try to focus on positive things in your life while ttc. Don't make your life revolve around it as much as you can...
Think of it as a side project otherwise you will make yourself miserable. Talking from experience...

That being said i do wish you are just a couple of tries away and it happens soon for you!! X

@unicornpower

Yes I've been thinking about it. I saw some fairly cheap ovulation strip kits on eBay (inc pregnancy tests too) but wondrerd if they're as accurate as branded products like clear blue and first response. Tempted to try them our for the next couple of cycles.

You misunderstand, of course it only takes 1 time - sperm goes in, finds egg, baboon baby. You don't build up a reservoir of sperm by having sex lots before conceiving.
But that doesn't happen every time because you ovulate once a month and if the sperm doesn't go in at the right time it can't find the egg, or the sperm goes in at the right time but it's old sperm or too immature sperm and it can't penetrate the egg. Or it does penetratecthe egg but it doesn't quite work and nothing happens or it divided a few times but has massive copying errors so implodes. And that's just normal.

We probably all know someone or someone who knows someone who got pregnant first time they ever had sex, and someone whose been having sex on schedule for years and still isn't pregnant.

How old are you? Unless your late 30s onwards I wouldn't even consider 6 months as difficulty trying to conceive. If you're late 30s onwards then after 6 months if prob go to the docs and ask for some tests (a d I might fib a bit about how long I'd been ttc)

TTC can take time, DS took us 5 years DD took 3 yrs. Both conceived naturally in the end.

@KeepSmiling89

The cheap test strips are just as good as Clearblue digitals if not better. My IVF clinic won't actually let me use the clearblue as they say they are often late detecting the hormone surge - you can test as much as you like with the cheap tests without feeling guilty about the cost and use an app like Premom where you take a photo of the test and it tells you if it's low / high / peak and plots it on a nice graph and you can see your line progression - all for a fraction of the price (and I was a big advocate of clearblue OPKs for years but at £50 a month it got far too expensive)

Oh yes and I was 18 -23 trying first time and 24 -27 the second. It just takes time.

@ivfgottostaypositive

I get upset all the time! I'm not mentally exhausted at being unsuccessful this cycle. Just a very emotional person. I do remind myself that it's still early days yet.

@SunnySideUp2020

I'm still working in lockdown so I've got stuff to keep me going. I'll try to think of this as my side project so not all my energy is spent on it and it hinders our chances due to stress!

Some people will get pregnant straight away, others won't. It's just one of those things and nobody's fault. My friend took 4 months to get her period at all after stopping the pill, but after another few months then fell pregnant. Sometimes things take time.

Sorry just seen you've changed your user name and updated.
Yes the cheap ovulation strips are just as good and actually cos they're cheaper you can pee on them more days in the first few months so you can get a better idea when you ovulate. The app will predict it but I'd pee on ovulation sticks for a few days before they say to and if you haven't ovulated for a few days after.

It's so hard to pitch the advice right. Honestly, they wouldn't be able to do right for doing wrong.

Can you imagine if sex education actually told you the insane improbabilities involved in a single sperm meets egg encounter? The way the circumstances have to be just right? All the things that can go wrong? No teen would ever think that contraception was necessary ever again (and lets face it, the unplanned pregnancy rates among all age groups tell us that lots of people think of contraception as an optional extra at the best of times).

So yes, it is actually quite hard to get pregnant, even if you're trying. Most days of the month is impossible to get pregnant. Many women have some months that they don't actually ovulate. Even if you do get sperm-meets-egg, it fails early on a lot of the time.

But it's the same as the statistic that if you have 23 people in a room there's a 50-50 chance that 2 of them share a birthday - if you take a population of couples and they each have one single instance of unprotected sex, some of them will get pregnant - what you don't know at any single encounter is if that someone will be you.

Op, it's hard to flip from a lifetime of preventing pregnancy to wanting it more than anything. The stats are on your side. Lots of sex, try tracking ovulation if you think that will be helpful to you (sometimes it can feel mentally helpful to be doing something, anything to help things along, sometimes it's mentally unhelpful and just makes you obsess even more).

Also remember women are way more fertile at say 16 than at 31, so no I don't think you were lied to as such :) Good luck OP - It took us 3 months for our first, but then 8 months and 9 months for the next pregnancies, so don't lose hope!