Partner not ready to try for a baby

[rosiej95]

Has anyone else been in this situation that can shed a little light? :)
I've Been with my partner for 10 years & a couple of years ago I mentioned that I wanted to think about starting a family he said he wasn't ready, We have had a few chats about it over the years, but he's still saying he's not ready
I need to respect his feelings, I don't want to force him into something he isn't ready for. But at the same time I really want a baby.
We can't be the only couple to have a disagreement on when to start a family?
How have other people got through this?

How old are you? Going by your username I would assume 24?
If so, you've got plenty of time to have a baby. Do you own your own home and live together?

I think it depends whether he'd like to have other things 'checked off' first. How old are you? Are you where you'd like to be in terms of career/home? Can you afford a child? Has he said he actually wants kids at all??

I agree with PPs that it really depends on your age and your financial/job situation.

If you’re under 30, you have time still as your body is very unlikely to be running out of time.

If you’ve just started in a new job or have a temporary job, would you be able to afford the reduced maternity pay that comes along with that?

I’d ask him why he feels he’s not ready for a baby at this time and go from there.

So I'm 25 he's 27 We own our own home & have been living together for 5 years,
Career wise Both in great jobs. Maternity pay would be an issue as I'm self employed but we have savings
He's said he wants kids, but doesnt know why he just doesn't want them now.
Over the years when we've discussed it he's said "after our holiday we will try" after "we've re decorated the house" & then we would get there & he would say he's still not ready. The latest one being we would try in February but due to corona we put plans on hold & said about trying in June.
When I mentioned to him last night about June he said he wasn't ready.
I don't think that helps as it then gives me something to look forward to & then it gets changed :/
Like you all say we have plenty of time,
It's the only disagreement we have. I'm just wondering how to deal with it as atm I'm just a little frustrated.

You just sit him down and tell him to be straightforward about what he wants or why he doesn't feel ready. It sounds like he's just saying what he thinks you want to hear and just prolonging it over and over. So sit him down and tell him the conversation isn't over until he's honest with you.

He sounds like my DD putting off tidying her bedroom. ‘I’ll do it after lunch.’ ‘I’ll do it before dinner.’ ‘I’ll do it tomorrow morning.’

He’s very much saying what he thinks you want to hear to make you stop going on about it there and then.

Pressed post too soon!

I don’t have any advice as DH was as desperate as me for another baby. We’re roughly the same ages as you and your OH though. I’m 26 (just) and DH is 28. I would tell him to stop giving you false promises of a specified time frame and ask him to be honest with you. If he really really doesn’t want children ever then I know I would rather find out now so I could make the decision to either move on from the idea of children or move on from the relationship.

If you were 35 I'd understand the hurry, but given that you're only 25 and he says he's not ready, I think you have to respect that.

Do you have any plans to get married?

I was in this situation. DH and I almost split up over it because unlike you I was in my 30s and he just wouldn't make up his mind about if and when we could start a family. In the end, because of my age, I had to issue an ultimatum. I said if you do want a family with me we have to start trying within a year. I also said if you don't want a family with me it's hard to imagine our future together. He actually went away for a month (we weren't married at this point) to think about it all. He came to the conclusion he did want a family with me and he had our first when I was 35. We now have 2 and he's a great dad and family man. Your situation is different and slightly less stressful because you're much younger than I was and have time. You could give him 2 years or something to enjoy being young without the responsibility and exhaustion that family life brings. You need to work out if he really does want children or if he's delaying it because he's not keen. Some men are good at avoiding sensitive issues.

I d be asking about a specific time frame, many people with say age is on your side which it could be but if you had a fertility issue that you didn't know about and kept holding off for years, do you think you could cope with that knowing that he had asked to wait that long?

I was in this situation, although I was a little older and married. Did the talks, counselling, waiting. We divorced when I was 30. He never changed his mind. You need to nail this down and not accept any more delays. This guy will keep you spinning. In my case, he never went on to have any kids, but all too often when this happened to friends of mine, the couple ended up splitting up, often when the woman is too old to have children, then he meets a younger woman and quickly marries her and has kids and become Mr Family Man.

I'd tell him we're going to counselling to work on this and you're going to have to walk the walk.

Whatever you do, don't become financially dependent on him or any other unmarried partner if you do have children.

Sorry, but I disagree with the waiting round, it can take years to extract yourself from a long relationship like this and move on.

I think this is hard.

I'm a woman and I didn't know when I wanted children until I was ready to have them. I really don't think that I could have been able to predict it ahead of time, had my husband asked me to put a date on when I would be ready by I too might have said next year, or after the holiday or whatever, but when that time came what should I have done if I still wasn't ready?

I always knew I wanted to wait until my 30s before starting to have children... but I was always honest with my DH about this.
I think you need to agree on a definite time frame and say if this time comes and he stills says he wants to wait again be prepared to leave .. maybe he's like me and feels like his 20s are for him but he needs to make a decision as it's not fair to keep changing goal posts

Thankyou all for your replies
So I understand we're still young & have plenty of time but I've always wanted to be a younger mum & after being with him for 10 years I'm ready to move forward with our relationship. He's told me he does want children just not yet but he doesn't know when he will be ready.
I totally do get it from his point & I respect he wants to wait & I understand I will have to wait as it's him I want children with.
I just feel sad, I've allready been waiting for him to be ready for a couple of years,
How do you even compromise at something like this? I wait until he's ready whenever that may be? Or he goes through something he's not ready for?
Wish it was all just a little easier :/

You can't compromise. The person who doesn't want a baby controls the situation. All you can do is decide if you stay in the relationship or not.

Is he sure that he definitely wants children or is there a chance that he's not admitting that he doesn't want children?

If you've been paying National insurance you will be entitled to Statutory maternity allowance. It's not as much as SMP for the first period but it's better than nothing!

I would also say there's no rush but I would keep conversations open about maybe why your OH feels that way....

I would be getting married before having children. Aside from that, you're only 25. Take advantage of this time to build up your finances and career.

Are you married?
Might be an idea to do that first if you plan to have children and be reliant on his income for any length of time.

This is a really difficult one I think, but one I can relate to.
Neither DP or myself were in a rush for a family. We always said it would be nice, but never set a time frame as such.
We bought a house, got married and have travelled alot. We're in a good financial position.
But its never been 'the right time'.
I was always conscience of the fact I'm not getting younger and would bring up the conversation of children and it would always be 'after our holiday', 'when we have done x,y and z' but it never happened.
He never seemed interested and when I would ask if he wants a family he would say 'I think so'. It never filled me with confidence.

I'm now 36 and it still hasnt happened. We spoke a while ago when I was still mid 35 and I put my cards on the table. Another friend was pregnant and I hit the point that we need to get on with it or it may never happen.
We spoke, we discussed why it had been put off, I explained my worries. He talked a bit, hes not a big talker, but he said he does want a family but is worried that he wouldnt be a good dad!
That was the turning point I think and after discussions about how neither of us have a clue where to start with a baby, but how we would learn, weve started trying properly.

Just talk. It's the best you can do.
But you're also still young and have your whole life ahead of you 😊

What Aqua and Delphinium said.

Not a good idea to compromise your career and become financially dependent on a man if you're not married. If he does not want to get married, you'll know that he doesn't see your future in quite the same way you do.

You are very young. Don't pin your life's happiness on a man who may have other priorities.

I feel for you as my OH was a bit like yours. First he wanted us to get on the property ladder, then we had to wait until we were married, then it was about where his next army posting would be and then after that he decided to leave the army but then I had to wait for him to settle into a new career. At that point he'd run out of excuses but still didn't feel ready and I was 31. So I told him I'm coming off the pill, if you want to prevent a pregnancy it is now on you. If you don't come round to wanting kids within the next year I am going to have to leave you cause I can't trust that you won't keep this going indefinitely. Like a poster above said, I was worried we'd divorce over this down the line only for him to marry someone else and have kids with them but having left it too late for me to do the same. Funny thing is, is that when I came off the pill he was happy for me to ,and then was completely onboard the TTC train - I think he just needed a push/someone else to make the decision for him.

Maybe give yourself a timeline for how long you're willing to wait and communicate that timeline to him? It's not fair on either of you to wait in limbo and a decision will have to be made eventually on having them or whether you're willing to stay if he keeps messing you about.

I know people say you're young but I met my OH at 21 and it took him 10 years to come round to the idea of having kids - would you even be willing to wait until 31/32?

To be completely honest I would try and set a definite time frame and then stick to it or leave.
You do have time but you dont have all the time in the world, and it could be upsetting if you wait a long time and he still decides he isn't ready.

Personally I wanted to have kids before I was 30, so we started trying at 27. People dont realise that unfortunately it can take longer than you think. My son was born when I was 29.

just a little update,
So I’ve spoke to him & he has said he does want kids 100% just doesn’t want them yet, doesn’t know why it’s a case of he doesn’t feel ready he just doesn’t & he doesn’t know when he will feel ready but has now said he doesn’t want to try next month, I asked him if I hadn’t of said anything would he of pushed it back & came up with another barrier when it came to June & he said yes. I can’t cope with the whole putting it on time frame as I can’t take the getting my hopes up any more for him to change it again if he's still not ready
As someone previously mentioned there’s no compromise in situations like this. So just gotta respect his wishes & it is what it is :/
I’m really angry he kept fobbing me off instead of being honest with me tho, I don’t think I would be feeling this crushed if he hadn’t kept getting my hopes up.
Even when his parents mentioned about grand kids less then 2 weeks ago he was the one to tell them that they wouldn’t be waiting that long. This whole thing is confusing & right now I’m really angry, luckily he’s back at work now so I can have a bit of cooling off time :/

Thankyou to everyone for your advice I really do appreciate it x

My partner was the same last year and I should have left him instead of wasting time. It was only till our daughter played with his nephew, that he realised she needs a sibling so we started trying this year. I honestly look back and hate the fact that he made me wait to have another child. I didn't force him to have a child. But we did what HE wanted.

I agree with the other who say you should talk it out and ask him to be honest. He can't keep saying not now when you've agreed after so and so.

TBH I wish I tried earlier (to have kids) we've just had a miscarriage and it took a bit of time conceiving our daughter. Unfortunately pregnancy doesn't happen when you want it. It could take a month or a year or two or even more.

Will you stay with him even if he doesn't want kids/it doesn't happen, or is it a dealbreaker ?

If it is a dealbreaker I'd give him a specific timeframe (we need to start trying within a year or I'm moving on).

Yes the OP is young but she wants to be a younger mum, and fınding a new partner could take years, fertility issues notwithstanding. I wouldn't wait too long.

It'd be one thing if he'd been honest from the start ("I think I want kids but I'm not sure when"), but the way he's been stringing the OP along is unacceptable.

Take the timeline in your own hands OP, you can't trust him to do it.