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Partner not ready to try for a baby

32 replies

rosiej95 · 19/05/2020 10:41

Has anyone else been in this situation that can shed a little light? :)
I've Been with my partner for 10 years & a couple of years ago I mentioned that I wanted to think about starting a family he said he wasn't ready, We have had a few chats about it over the years, but he's still saying he's not ready
I need to respect his feelings, I don't want to force him into something he isn't ready for. But at the same time I really want a baby.
We can't be the only couple to have a disagreement on when to start a family?
How have other people got through this?

OP posts:
User8563029648123578 · 20/05/2020 06:59

If I were you I’d focus on developing my career and earning more. So that you have the option to leave him and have a baby alone if he never changes his mind.

Or to financially support your child if you split up. Because the odds on your relationship going the distance are quite small IMO. and you will be entitled to nothing as you are not married.

User8563029648123578 · 20/05/2020 07:04

And as to it being confusing - listen to his actions and not his words.

He doesn't want to marry you and he doesn't want to have kids with you

He wants to keep his options open in case he changes his mind. His comments to you and others are designed to do this. He’s stringing you along so you don’t leave him.

You are willing to hang around and hope he does change his mind.

Your situation moght be frustrating for you but it’s not confusing at all. It’s very clear.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/05/2020 07:08

I agree with PP. it feels very much like he is stringing you along.
I’d go to counselling so you can talk it out with someone with no vested interest
You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. Don’t wait any longer to come to that conclusion. If it is a dealbreaker you need time to end the relationship, mourn it and move on

Ginger1982 · 20/05/2020 07:11

You need to put a timescale in your head for how long you're prepared to wait. There has to be an end point to this otherwise in the next 10+ years your fertility will have started to slow and yet he could go off and have multiple kids with whoever he wants.

IHateCoronavirus · 20/05/2020 07:16

I would find it increasingly hard too op. Flowers I completely agree that a baby should be something that is agreed upon by both parties, but in this situation how is he being respectful to what you want (and I use the term lightly as sometimes the desire to have a child can be so overwhelming)?
I had DC at 25 and DC at 35

IHateCoronavirus · 20/05/2020 07:19

Oops didn’t finish...

I was going to say I had dc at 25 and 35 and there was no comparison to which pregnancy was easier both physically and medically. Also I found at 25 I had much more energy to give to a toddler.

My DF started trying to conceive in her late 20s she was in her mid 30s before she managed to have a DC.

It is all well and good putting off trying too conceive but, sometimes you really don’t have time on your side.

highmarkingsnowbile · 20/05/2020 15:42

I've seen this play out soooo many times. User8563029648123578 is right. He doesn't want to marry you and he doesn't want kids with you. And no, you are not 'so young' or 'too young' and have plenty of time. I first wanted kids at around age 26 (again, I was married), he did the after we buy a house, after we go here, there, after we pay off this. I was 30 by the time we divorced. I was 32 by the time I had my first with now DH. I've had have hung around till I was 30, I might not have had time to have more than 1 child (I started to have miscarriages between DD2 and DS, who was born when I was 37).

He's not at all confusing, he's stringing you along. It's fine to not be ready, it's not to keep someone hanging when you know they're not on the same page. When you love someone, you respect them, you let them go when you realise you're incompatible in a way where there's no compromise. That's what mature adults who love another person do. My ex finally admitted he didn't know when he would be 'ready' but it might be never. That was it.

Sorry, but I'd start looking at leaving. Yes, I wanted to have kids with my ex in particular very much, but no man is worth giving up trying for a family if that's what you really want.

These things always go the same way: either you split up or you give up your chance to have a child for a string along man, who almost invariably has a change of heart when he's in his 40s and decides the relationship has run its course, then goes off and finds a younger model, marries her and becomes Mr Family Man.

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