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Original poster

My new boyfriend doesn't want kids..I'm 35

33 replies

Kittykitty119 · 26/11/2019 22:42

Help! I need advice.
After being in an abusive relationship I finally got out and I'm now dating the most wonderful man I've ever met. We've been dating 8 months. It's been amazing. We are both deeply in love with each other.
We went out and got drunk and I told him I would like to have a baby with him one day and now he's completely freaked out and he told me he 100% doesn't want any children. He is 38. His last girlfriend had two children (not with him) so I'm just completely baffled why he's gone AWOL just mentioning it and does this mean the end of our relationship as I'm guessing children are such a deal breaker. Heart actually feels like its breaking. Please any advice welcome.
K

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 26/11/2019 22:43

End it (obviously) and do the Freedom Programme

DesMartinsPetCat · 26/11/2019 22:44

You want different things. That’s fine. It just means you’re not compatible.

Cut your losses and move on.

momoney1 · 26/11/2019 22:45

At least you know now. If it's a deal breaker for you then end it and find someone who does want kids. Though I'm surprised it's taken eight months to find out, especially as you're 35 and adament you want kids

justforthisnow · 26/11/2019 22:46

Do you have children?
Whether yes or no, you are not ready to have children with someone after 8 months. That's far too short a time. Wtf are you thinking?

stophuggingme · 26/11/2019 22:46

What Emma wrote.
This man might not be abusive in the sense your ex was but in terms of surrendering your hopes and dreams he might well wreak even more damage.

Just get out

Dazedandconfused10 · 26/11/2019 22:47

It's a deal breaker from me, as are religion and animals. He doesn't want what you want and that's fine better to know now.

fancytiles · 26/11/2019 22:47

Cut your losses and move on. At 35 you can still have children. I hope you find someone who wants the same thing ❤️

Original poster
Kittykitty119 · 26/11/2019 22:49

@justforthisnow no I don't have children and I'm aware at 35 I don't have much time left

OP posts:
stophuggingme · 26/11/2019 22:52

There are many women who have children after 35.i myself had three.

But don’t waste the next two or three years hoping he will change his mind.

Justmuddlingalong · 26/11/2019 22:53

He might be fantastic, but he doesn't want kids. You do.
If I was your age, I would cut my losses now and move on.

Piixxiiee · 26/11/2019 22:53

Find out why. My dp didnt want kids- reason was he had a bad upbringing and his mum and step dad divorced etc his mum was/is the most horrific mother. His dad wasnt around and step dad disappeared too. Grandparents saved the day for him really. So he was scared of being a rubbish dad, and had lots of what ifs. We have two children and been together 15 years now- hes a great dad.

I should add I'd known him alot longer than you but still give him a chance if you love him. Stick to your guns though.

DesMartinsPetCat · 26/11/2019 22:55

Stick to your guns though

Why is the man not allowed stick to his guns?

Original poster
Kittykitty119 · 26/11/2019 22:56

Just to note I said children one day with him not right this second. Like in a few years before I turn 40 (if I can)
Thanks for the advice though

OP posts:
aloogoblet · 26/11/2019 22:59

Why is the man not allowed stick to his guns?

Who said he is not allowed? It just means they're not right for each other. Happens all the time.

BarbaraStrozzi · 26/11/2019 23:02

The two of you aren't compatible, and if you want kids, you don't have time to waste, IMO. Sorry to be the bringer of bad news.

Chocmallows · 26/11/2019 23:03

The subject of DC didn't come up at all over 8 months?

When he said his ex had DC you didn't chat about how lovely to have DC I've always wanted one / them?

Piixxiiee · 26/11/2019 23:03

The man can stick to his guns if he wants to, I was giving advice to OP. I think if she wants children then she wants children- the need for children in my opinion is not to be messed around with- op should give him a chance, have a conversation, if they both "stick to their guns" then that would mean splitting up and so be it. Not having children when you want them must be a terrible regret in life .... hence " stick to your guns" do what you want, have children. Wasnt meant to be an inflammatory or sexist remark.

stophuggingme · 26/11/2019 23:04

@DesMartinsPetCat I think most of us on this thread are indirectly saying that he will. And of course he can stick to his guns that is.

OP there is no point planning on having kids one day with someone who has told you he doesn’t ever want them. Not only is it a total waste of the remainder of your childbearing years it’s also unfair on any children born under duress or by accident since the chances are henwill at some point make this an issue.

I spent eleven years with a man who didn’t want children and I spent the last five of them hoping against hope. I saw him recently with all three of my children by chance and he said he had never changed his mind though he had loved me. If I hadn’t had my three amazing children it would have been too difficult to hear, instead it was total validation for my ending the relationship.

Trust me you need to move on.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/11/2019 23:06

Neither of you are wrong, just not compatible. Since this is important to you, move swiftly along.

Hmm at the idea it’s down to a bad upbringing. Some people just don’t want kids or enjoy being around them. Perhaps being with his previous girlfriend‘s two DC confirmed that for him.

dontalltalkatonce · 26/11/2019 23:07

You are incompatible. You can stay and waste your time and hope he changes his mind but you are incompatible. So staying with him, by choosing to do this, you are actively making a decision to not have kids. Tbh, it's downright foolish to wait till you're 40.

georgialondon · 26/11/2019 23:07

You both want different things which is fine. Don't waste each other's time.

Pinkbonbon · 26/11/2019 23:14

Kids smids. I wouldn't trade something real and good for something possible.

That being said, he should have told you he didn't want kids from the offset. That in top of his ghosting...I don't think he's as good as you initially thought.

Also, i'd be very careful after coming from an abusive relationship not to get so attached so fast. Its only been 8 months and you didn't know this crucial thing about him yet you are already throwing words like 'deeply in love' about. Don't know if he love bombed you but...either way, it's a bit fast. And clearly, he has been keeping something if himself back from you. What else? I wonder.

ohwheniknow · 26/11/2019 23:18

Most wonderful man you've ever met compared to your abusive ex or compared to a standard baseline of non-abusive behaviour from decent human beings?

Did you do the Freedom Programme after getting out of the abusive relationship?

Bluerussian · 26/11/2019 23:20

Cool it now. In a year or so you'll meet someone else who has the same goals as you.

It's sad though because you've obviously been good together before this was mentioned. It will take a little time to get over but - you will.

Good luck.

Flowers
Postmissposte · 26/11/2019 23:23

If you want kids you need a different partner.