TTC with Vaginismus

[Graceelizabeth123]

Hi guys, I’m looking for anyone that has conceived with vaginismus. I was diagnosed three years ago after me and my husband got married and couldn’t have sex.

I’ve had a lot of therapy and have tried relentlessly with dialators but have been unsuccessful. And now we’d like a baby.

I went on the implant in January and came off in June to start TTC. We haven’t been successful yet, and I know it’s only the third month trying, but I’m struggling as we’re trying in a different ways to normal. My husband can’t go in me very far, so we’re trying more of a splash pregnancy and then trying to penetrate as far as I can handle, which as I said before isn’t far.

Anyway, I just wanted to ask if anyone has been in the same situation and has any advice?

Hey we were very similar and the initial journey was so frustrating with little support, I was diagnosed when I was 19, I’d been having sex from 16 but never really knew the difference. My muscles had got tighter and tighter so was referee to gp. Got to the conclusion when we started ttc similar to you was initially going in as much as possible. We tried for 5 months and nothing. Have you considered insemination kit?

There’s such little advice and help from the doctors. I’ve even had to explain what the condition is to some doctors, each time having to go through the whole story which is emotionally destroying sometimes!

Thank you so much for replying. I didn’t even know insemination kits were a thing! I think we’ll have to try it. Have you guys been trying this way?

Hi, I'm in a similar situation, che k out the thread I started called Home Insemination - looking for buddies. We are in month 1 of TTC technically but it has take years of therapy before I have decided to move on and TTC differently.

Great thread whatnext11

I should have said, it's in the infertility section - lots of chat on here about TTC but it didn't quite fit with where I was up to and the struggle - technically TTC cycle 1, in reality years of therapy plus cycle 1!

Hi, I have had this for 10+ years although never brought it up with the doctor.
We wanted to start trying last year and luckily succeeded my DS is one now.
I think it depends what is triggering the response. For me it is an anxiety thing. I found a website with a “trainer” you put in overnight. It felt uncomfortable at first but really helped. Also their lubricant is fantastic and we still use it now. www.vagi-wave.co.uk/

It helped me get to the stage where DH could get in enough and we actually conceived on our 1st attempt which was mind blowingly shocking.

Also for anyone worrying, I had a vaginal birth in a water pool and it was absolutely fine. He was actually born in under 3 hours! So this condition doesn’t mean you can’t plan for whatever birth you want.

Hi all

Im nearly 30 and have always suffered with vaginismus and am currently pregnant - we were lucky and caught straight away. I’ve never been able to even get the first dilator all the way in and the doctors - even specialists fob you off!

In my opinion, try to treat it as you can like trying to convince normally if you can, get used to ovulation times etc and then we just used foreplay etc and when then when the time came he went as far as he could and ejaculated inside me. We never tried the splash method but we did do the SMEP. We left it 3 months after my implant came out only because we heard it could take a while to completely leave the system and I didn’t want to be disappointed every month, but first month of ‘trying’ and here we are 8 months later nearly ready to pop! If you need any advice please feel free to DM me x

@flamingo84 This is really helpful, I'm going to look into this. Mine is anxiety based, I have such an overwhelming fear when I have to put something down there myself, where as if it's my OH I don't feel that, I feel perfectly calm and happy, however my muscles down there say otherwise! So although I am going to look into buying this kit, the thought also makes me sick to my stomach. Did you have any worries about leaving it in over night? So pleased you guys conceived straight away! And thank you for the information about birth, as that will be the next concern when hopefully I conceive! I've read that water births seem the best for vaginismus.

@nemchen it's ridiculous how the condition is actually treated. One professional just kept talking about having hot baths to relax and telling my husband how to turn me on! Not listening to the fact that all of that was actually fine, it was just the control of the muscle. My poor OH was amazing, went to every single appointment no matter how shocking she was to him. Honestly though your success story does give me such comfort and hope. And I hadn't heard of the SMEP, thank you!

@whatnext11 thank you I'll have a read and join tonight!

Hi OP

I feel for you, this is hard.

I had a bad (first) smear at 19 having never had sex, and have had vaginismus ever since.

Ignored it felt years. After getting married (yes, after) I tried dilators, tried joint psychosexual therapy. Didn't help.

I'm not sure my experience can help but i just wanted to check in and say you're not alone.

For my part, having V meant i was so scared to stay trying ttc that by the time i did, i had fertility issues. After the years of trying (hideous) I ended up having fertility investigations and ivf which is a nightmare in itself because it's all internal exams with a camera on a dildo.

We managed, i have a daughter and I'm very grateful, but i don't think i can face trying again.

Absolutely no issues with birth (well not vaginismus issues!) because for me it's all about things going in - stuff coming out was no problem! I do think this condition is so personal.

If you go this route then do PM me, I'm happy to say more.

Good luck x

I should have said, I'm 40 now, so had it 20 years - all my adult life

Sometimes it helps me to know I'm not a unique freak!

It’s so frustrating when you’re calm and feel relaxed but your muscles just seize up and the fact that they tense, then makes you tense.

The trainer is a small, pretty thin piece of very soft, flexible silicone. It’s probably thinner than a tampon. It’s a slightly wavy shape and I used to put a bit of their lubricant on it to insert. I’d do it lying in bed as it felt a bit weird to move around with it in. I never had any problems inserting it. I’ve never been able to use a tampon but this went in fine. By the end of the week I barely needed any lubricant. After I got settled in a sleep position I didn’t notice it was in and I’d take it out upon waking.

After TTC, I stayed in bed with my legs in the air and hips elevated. No idea if this helped but it’s worth a try!

I really debated whether to have an elective c section as I was terrified I would be pushing against my muscle resistance. But it doesn’t work like that, your body releases so many muscle relaxers that it just takes over completely. I had an amazing birth even with a 2nd degree tear.

We had sex again 5 months after the baby was born and whilst it wasn’t completely comfortable, it felt a lot better than before.

I think this is such a lonely condition, it’s almost impossible to talk about with your friends/family. I’m glad you started this thread, it’s good to discuss it and hear other people’s stories.

Good luck OP, I hope some of the suggestions people gave work for you.

Hi OP
I dont have vaginismus but I am a story of someone who has conceived with a DP with some sexual difficulties. We just used long thin pipettes and pots which the clinic gave us. I didn't have to insert them for very long or leave anything in overnight and I bought more on ebay. We did this as well as having sex when we could and I am now 8 weeks pregnant.

oh you poor love (and all the others who have shared their stories too)

I didn't get on with the dilators either - errrrrm I can't insert a tampon, how am I supposed to even make a start with something bigger?

Waaaaay back in the mid-90s I saw a fabulous doctor at the Well Woman centre (who when I told her about the dilators said "goodness, how old-fashioned!"). She taught me a little trick which at first seems counter-intuitive but is based on the principle that you can't accidentally pull a door shut if you're deliberately pushing it open.

When lubricated and ready for insertion, bear down (as if you're trying to pooh but through the wrong hole). Insert the [tampon, penis, whatever] while pushing - it will feel as if you're pushing it away, but you're really not. I don't think it felt like that from his point of view!

I had a couple of sessions with the doctor using two or three gloved fingers, then I worked myself up to trying with a tampon and when I'd managed that tried with my husband (yes, I also discovered it after I was married... I wonder how much correlation there is?)

Twenty-five years later I still have to think about this whenever we have sex, but it doesn't take more than a moment. Occasionally an awkward little wriggle (don't try to skip the lubrication stage).

Looking on Amazon I see there are quite a few books nowadays. I had the one by Linda Valins, which suggested that it might be due to developmental trauma rather than anything therapy might help with - reluctantly I have come to the conclusion that it's all about the birth of my younger sister! Certainly I don't have any sexual trauma.

It took us a couple of years of working through something similar (not sure if v. exactly but pain causing serious problems and a year+ of no sex) but we're at the point where we can have sex more or less normally, if carefully . . . if it helps to know that this is possible sometimes! TTC hasn't gone to plan for us but it's not for lack of trying.

For me, as a Christian, prayer and being prayed for was part of what helped us make progress with this issue and the fear / anxiety, but I appreciate that isn't the answer for everyone.

Having a drink (for me) also helps me to relax a little, which again, you've no doubt tried!

Also, make sure you're using sperm-friendly lubricant. Pre-seed is the main one.

I feel for you, hang in there. xx

Yes as @RyvitaBrevis says I did used PreSeed also! I actually found that it was a good lubricant as well as potentially helping the sperm along!

It is so good to hear from others, I have had good experiences recently when getting help - for anyone who hasn't had any proper help, you need a referral to a psychosexual therapist. Although it didn't do the trick, it does for lots of couples and it helped me use the dilators which is helpful with the home insemination stuff. Someone recommended the 1mm no needle syringes which are so much easier than the 10ml, really grateful for that advice.
Today I didn't feel the doctor was very sympathetic, and she has referred me to a pre conception clinic rather than fertility. Who knows. Hopefully they will be good.

I highly recommend the book “heal pelvic pain” by Amy Stein - if you haven’t already got it.

Hi guys I just wanted to update everyone.

Thank you all for your messages. When I posted I felt so lonely, but reading all your experiences really gave me strength and made me realise I am not alone with this very different sex life. Thank you all for taking the time to write to me publicly and privately. I am also a Christian, I’ve been praying for my situation and for you guys.

I do have good news. I’m 5 weeks pregnant! And things have moved forward with the doctors. They’ve referred me to a specialist, who now can’t do anything until the end of this pregnancy, but after I’m being sent to a physio and they’re also going to consider Botox to help relax the muscles.

They’re also going to write a letter so I can chose whether I want to deliver vaginally or have a caesarian. They have a fear that delivering vaginally will make things worse. However, my thoughts currently are, I can’t lose anything as it may loosen me up?

But anyway, thank you everyone. You honestly changed my mindset when I really needed it.

Congratulations! Don’t worry about the birth, take it as it comes and do some research before making your decision. What works for some might not for you. I’m 5 weeks away now and don’t see my consultant for 2 more weeks to decide! X

Congratulations OP!

I had a situation similar to some people described above. I had vaginismus (mild I think) after bad experiences with tampons and painful intercourse.

My DH and I went to psychosexual therapy and the trainers helped a lot.

I'm better now. :) We have a 10 month old baby and I had an amazing homebirth. (Hypnobirthing - Positive Birth company)

All the best to you and your family. Xxx

@graceelizabeth123, wow! Congratulations! That is amazing! I have very similar news - I am just over 5 weeks PG! It sounds like we may be on similar timescales. Keep in touch?
ATM I am focussed on trying to get to 12 weeks, it's a scary time at the moment. Can't think about the birth at present but I imagine it wouldn't complicate it too much. Maybe we need a thread about that at some point (maybe there is one, but I'm not going into any birth forums yet! Scared about MC for now. And I figure they will get the baby out somehow, however it goes! It's been a rough ride to this point, hopefully we have done the hardest part.

Congratulations!
@Graceelizabeth123 I wouldn't worry too much about the birth. They were going to discuss a c section for me with my ds but he arrived early and it didn't make any difference having vaginismus and it actually seems to have helped stretch things out or relax me or something as it isn't as painful these days (with lube and relaxation still)

I have absolutely zero advice to add but having read the thread I just wanted to say congratulations!!! What a wonderful wonderful update, I’m so pleased for you :)

I'm so pleased to come across this thread, I've always felt lonely and struggled with my vaginismus and never found a thread like this. Congratulations @graceelizabeth123! I was married for 4 years before we conceived our little one who is now one! And a mc along the way too but I did fall first time with both pg using a kind of splash method recommend by a consultant gynae so that's the positive. I wish I'd known it earlier but just so thankful! Took a long time to get seen by the right professionals but still struggling with vaginismus and struggling to conceive #2 using the same method 😞 I was consultant referred due to vaginismus, consultant was fantastic! Encouraged vag birth from the off and put a great plan in place which included epidural right from the start of labour which made examinations possible but also had minimum amount of examinations and experienced midwives.

Hi all! Just had my consultant appt today at 36 weeks - this is the first time my Vaginismus has been discussed as my midwife just says ‘I don’t know anything about it’ even after I explained. She said that I can plan my birth as normal as long as I am realistic, so all planning for a normal birth but with an early epidural. She did say that I’d probably have to have at least one check or at least try before the epidural - and even though I’m skeptics my body will let this happen, I’m happy to try if it means I can have a natural birth. She did say C-Section might be inevitable if my body just won’t relax enough to be checked or if I end up up past my due date or induced it might up the possibility of a section. But for now all good news and in a way I’m grateful that it was left till late purely because I haven’t been stressing about it! So don’t worry ladies! Hoping everyone’s TTC and pregnancy journeys are all going well! Xx