Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

Partner wants to wait to have a baby

47 replies

mrsmeowington · 10/06/2019 15:48

Just that really - married just over a year, together 8!

I really want to have a baby soon!! It's sort of crept up on me over the last few months and seems like the next step for us and I feel ready! Husband wants to wait a bit longer!!

He wants us to be sensible about this and I agree to an extent that realistically we are not totally financially ready - We live in a 1bed apartment at the moment - we are saving like crazy in our house deposit but are still about a year/possibly a little longer away from being able to buy somewhere !

We have a lovely life at the moment and are really enjoying life as a married couple just the 2 of us - he said he doesn't want that to end just yet as we can never get that time back again and he doesn't see why we need to rush into it..

He wants us to have our house first - he said once a we add a baby to the mix we likely won't be able to save anymore (we'd be living off one salary for a while and then when I do go back to work we will have childcare costs so we wouldn't have the same disposable income to save up anymore! (all valid points)

But I feel I don't want to wait much longer, what if it takes years to ttc or we run into issues - I know it's not always as simple as just deciding to have a baby and it happens!! It doesn't help that basically everyone I know if pregnant right now and most of them are also in a similar position as us (renting small places, not super financially ready!)

I feel like we would manage - I've stopped bringing the subject up for a while because we get into an argument about it and can't agree on the right time - he assures me he wants children and is looking forward to it - but just not yet!

Should I push him on this or should I just wait ?

OP posts:
SoHotADragonRetired · 10/06/2019 15:50

How old are you (both)?

StCharlotte · 10/06/2019 15:51

How old are you OP?

Because I think that makes a big difference as to who is being "sensible".

HiItsClemFandango · 10/06/2019 15:52

He sounds very sensible and has valid points.

Why push him into doing something he doesn't want to do yet? What if he was asking someone to " push " you into having a baby when you didn't want one yet?

HiItsClemFandango · 10/06/2019 15:52

that should say " asking someone if he should "

SoyDora · 10/06/2019 15:53

All his points sound valid.

pitterpatterbaby · 10/06/2019 15:54

You can't plan for everything. No time is ever perfect. Plus conception doesn't always happen as quickly as you think x

HiItsClemFandango · 10/06/2019 15:55

Waiting a year until you own your own house is much more sensible than having a baby now and that meaning you have to keep renting for even longer

Original poster
mrsmeowington · 10/06/2019 15:56

I'm 31 and he's 41!!

OP posts:
SoHotADragonRetired · 10/06/2019 15:56

Oh and I'd say his reasons are entirely valid especially if you are much under 35. It's OK for you to want to do it now but he is right that once you do it it will set your financial goals back for years and that it would be a good idea to enjoy some time as a married couple.

If you are in your late 30s this does not apply, but if you're not then I would suggest you set a tentative date to TTC in say a year and focus on the meantime in having fun and pursuing goals you would struggle to do pregnant or with a baby.

powershowerforanhour · 10/06/2019 15:57

A friend of mine paid privately to have her ovarian reserve checked out when she was in this kind of transition zone og hrr snd her partner's lives and relationship. It's only one measure of likely fertility but she is glad she did, just gives extra info rather than one more thing to guess at.

powershowerforanhour · 10/06/2019 15:57

*of her and her partner's relationship

powershowerforanhour · 10/06/2019 16:02

Ah 35. It's not a magic number. An equally pertinent question might be- what's the fertility history of your sisters, mum and maternal aunts?

Expressedways · 10/06/2019 16:02

As you’re only 31, I actually agree with your DH. It’s definitely sensible to get the house and finances sorted first.

Original poster
mrsmeowington · 10/06/2019 16:10

I know he's right !! I don't know why I'm feeling so obsessed with this!! I love our life right now - we travel a bit, go to cool events/festivals together!!

I have a bit of anxiety that we will struggle to conceive even though I have no reason to think this.. that doesn't help!

I think I probably have to just busy myself with enjoying my free time and concentrate on saving like crazy and stop worrying so much!!

OP posts:
SarahBeeney · 10/06/2019 16:16

If you have a baby now you may struggle to get a mortgage as Mat leave in your finances might not be enough to secure the loan. However,your DH might earn a lot so maybe that's not an issue.

So,I think your DH is being sensible but also I understand how you feel. The urge to have a baby is strong!

Perhaps start getting yourself super healthy in preparation (in case you aren't already).

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/06/2019 16:18

Have you sat down and streamlined all finances to see exactly how long it will take to get the deposit? Have you started talking about where to buy/how much to spend etc?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/06/2019 16:21

I think all things being equal units really sensible to get a property first. And at 31 you should have plenty of time to have a baby.

Your DH is getting on though and will be an older Dad. At 41 I’d have thought he’d be ready to start a family. Are you absolutely sure he’s not going to delay then change his mind?

SoyDora · 10/06/2019 16:26

Does he definitely want children? If he’s ‘not ready’ at 41, will he ever be?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2019 16:31

You've been together 8 years, and he's 41. Why haven't you sorted buying a home already? I agree with your husband that you should be in a better place financially and in terms of housing before a baby, but I have to wonder why a 41 year old man hasn't already figured this out. I would be concerned that he is fobbing you off about having a baby.

Original poster
mrsmeowington · 10/06/2019 16:36

he's fine with being an older dad - his mates are all a bit like him tbh as are his brothers - they all waited til they were in their 40s to have kids !

He has a child already from a previous relationship (14 year old!) - this wasn't planned and it didn't go well - things were strained with his ex before she got pregnant and they were split up before the baby was even a year old and it was all a bit of a mess - he wants to do it properly this time - I think he feels like he failed a bit last time that he couldn't provide for his child when he was younger!

I don't think he is trying to delay because he doesn't actually want a child or anything like that !!

OP posts:
Newmumma83 · 10/06/2019 16:37

Try not to panic, you still have time.
We waited until in a house ( as a child may effect how much we could borrow on a mortgage ) we moved in the December we were getting married in the June.

As of Feb I asked to start to not not try ( as in ditch the condoms) and had been off the pill etc for sometime as I was convinced it would take years and I was already 34 years... I was 4 months pregnant at my wedding ... we only and sex once that month as we rammed and I hadn’t a clue I had ovulated ... I am sure it can take time my friend too 6 months ( same age as me ) our little boys are 10 weeks apart in age.

You do still have time x x

Original poster
mrsmeowington · 10/06/2019 16:40

@Aquamarine1029 we were a bit reckless in our younger days - prioritised travelling around the world for many years, living in various cities - tbh I had no interest in settling down / marriage / kids / home ownership until about 3 years - so yes we are a bit late to the game - but have zero regrets about how we did live our lives back then!

obviously now i feel a bit like - maybe we should have been a bit more sensible - but can't do anything about that!

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/06/2019 16:46

Is he proactive in his saving for a deposit?

FutureMrsD · 10/06/2019 16:49

Me and DH have been together 10 years.
We are 26 and 28 so slightly younger. I’ve been banging on for about 3 years about having a baby and it caused numerous near arguments..
However I was just patient and waited for him and here we are TTC for the first time.
I bought the whole baby subject up over Christmas and I was shocked when he agreed.
Good luck OP. :)

Original poster
mrsmeowington · 10/06/2019 16:52

we are both really focused on the saving at the moment - he's got 10k more contributed to the fund than I've managed to put in so far - we've basically stopped going the last year, quit spending money anything other than food and bills, we both started cycling to work to stop paying for transport- so we are trying really hard!

We are in London though so we have to save a fairly sizeable deposit !

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread