Partner wants to wait to have a baby

[mrsmeowington]

Just that really - married just over a year, together 8!

I really want to have a baby soon!! It's sort of crept up on me over the last few months and seems like the next step for us and I feel ready! Husband wants to wait a bit longer!!

He wants us to be sensible about this and I agree to an extent that realistically we are not totally financially ready - We live in a 1bed apartment at the moment - we are saving like crazy in our house deposit but are still about a year/possibly a little longer away from being able to buy somewhere !

We have a lovely life at the moment and are really enjoying life as a married couple just the 2 of us - he said he doesn't want that to end just yet as we can never get that time back again and he doesn't see why we need to rush into it..

He wants us to have our house first - he said once a we add a baby to the mix we likely won't be able to save anymore (we'd be living off one salary for a while and then when I do go back to work we will have childcare costs so we wouldn't have the same disposable income to save up anymore! (all valid points)

But I feel I don't want to wait much longer, what if it takes years to ttc or we run into issues - I know it's not always as simple as just deciding to have a baby and it happens!! It doesn't help that basically everyone I know if pregnant right now and most of them are also in a similar position as us (renting small places, not super financially ready!)

I feel like we would manage - I've stopped bringing the subject up for a while because we get into an argument about it and can't agree on the right time - he assures me he wants children and is looking forward to it - but just not yet!

Should I push him on this or should I just wait ?

Thanks @FutureMrsD :)

Glad you got there in the end!! :) good luck with it all!!

Fathers’ age can increase certain risks for you/the baby.

Would you or he consider a shared ownership property? Then you can look to purchasing the other 50% whilst living there, but may well get in sooner.

powershowerforanhour Mon 10-Jun-19 16:02:31
Ah 35. It's not a magic number. An equally pertinent question might be- what's the fertility history of your sisters, mum and maternal aunts?

I'm one of five (two of us were born after my mum was 35), my sisters have three and four children. I didn't event meet my DH until I was 35 (20 years ago). Started TTC at 36. No joy.

Family history is sadly no indicator of fertility.

Personally OP, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't be waiting any longer than I had to. Good luck

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz - yes we are looking into that actually - seems like a good option for us if we want to stay living in London! We've had a meeting with our mortgage broker too so hope we are on the road to getting a place sorted soon!!

At 31 you do have time, but you never know - I started ttc at 30 - I am now 35 and still no pregnancies and undergoing IVF.

It would make sense to settle in a property first if you can still afford it with a child and one a reduced wage/with childcare costs. Once you have a dependent it affects how much you can borrow and would take much longer.

I would work out your finances and work back. Work out when you will have saved what you want for a deposit and factor in a few months to find a property and buy. That is your moving date and you want to move before you have the baby.

A pregnancy is 9 months (don't recommend waiting until the end to move). Once you have your house timescale, count back a few months and pick a starting ttc date.

If you think you will be buying next June, you could start trying the beginning of next year. If you catch quickly you may be partway through your pregnancy when you move, if you take longer at least you are not putting it off completely.

are saving like crazy in our house deposit but are still about a year/possibly a little longer away from being able to buy somewhere

OP this is not long at all, you are so so close, a year is nothing. I'd talk to your DH about a compromise - save as much as you can until the new year, then start TTC and house hunt early next year at the same time. Both could take longer than you think, so make a start on both and you may find it could fall into place, even if it is a bit earlier than you'd hoped then great.

We managed to get a mortgage using 'help to buy' in a commutable town whilst renting and pregnant / desperately trying to save for the deposit as the pregnancy was unplanned.

It's not that long I guess - I sound slightly crazy being so obsessed with this when hopefully it's only a year away haha! Help to buy or shared ownership is what we are doing anyway as there's no other way we can get something in London unless we save like 100k and then I'd never have a baby 😂!

I think I need to sit down and have a yap with him about how I feel and try come up with a rough plan of when we think we can start viewing places to buy, how much more we realistically need to save/can save in what amount of time and estimate when we can start ttc!!

HE might be “fine with being an older dad” but you would be the one having any fertility treatment, issues during pregnancy, miscarriage, and would be much more likely to be the primary carer if your DC had a health issue or disability. Some risks increase with paternal age.

Moving out of London and commuting could also be an option: IME this is good in terms of housing, education and childcare but has drawbacks, primarily daily travel time and two people commuting.

Commuting in from a cheaper area has been well thought about as an option have weighed up all the pro's & cons - but it's not for us! it doesn't work out a whole lot more affordable when you factor in the travel costs anyway when we can currently both cycle to work for free and be home every evening by 6.15!! The train fares almost cancel out the savings on the cheaper house!!

Btw the help to buy scheme is only valid for houses in London under £400k - not an easy thing to find if you're after a proper family home

I would encourage your DH to look into the effects that older paternal age has on neurodevelopmental disorders

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/aging-dads-more-likely-to-have-kids-with-autism-adhd-schizophrenia-and-more/

You can't force him to TTC with you, that would be very unethical, but you do need to agree a time frame. I'd tell him you want to start trying in January 2019 possibly.

Sorry I mean 2020 but taking into account your housing issue perhaps 2021 would be a good compromise.

well if you were 41 we would all be saying of course you have to hurry up and try. Why does your DH get a free pass at 41? He really is increasing the likelihood of neurodevelopmental issues which are only now being researched.

Also, he might think it will be easy being a late time dad, but my DH was 29 for first baby and 38 for last - he really noticed the difference (I am older BTW). It took us 4 years to conceive baby no.3 - and 3 years with baby no.1 - sometimes it can take many years longer than you think, even with no fertility issues.

Can you have a calm discussion on this - he already has a child, you do not, so if he never has another one it is not as big a deal for him, but for you, it would be.

I would say, set a date for finding a house / flat and also, try to start TTC about 3 months before this.

We can get help to buy for a property worth up to 600k in london now I believe!

But a small 2bed place is enough for us - we will likely leave London in about 5years anyway so not too fussed on a big family forever home!

@Annasgirl I have said this to him before - that if he was with someone his own age he wouldn't have a choice to wait any longer to have a child! He just happens to have met someone 10years younger, giving him a bit more time to continue with his somewhat carefree fun life!!

I get that he doesn't want his second experience becoming a parent to be the same as last time - it put his whole life on hold for several years, he had a crap job, wasn't able to provide much, every penny he had went to his child while he went back to living in a share house in his 30's trying to get back on track! So can see where he's coming from in terms of lets get the house sorted and some money together so we don't struggle through life once a baby is in the mix!

I guess I'm just getting a bit jealous of my friends all giving me news that they are expecting and i'm left behind - but I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to others and we have to do whats right for us!!

It's hard to know when to start ttc because you never know what your experience will be. I started at 34, I'm 36 now, had IVF and 2 miscarriages and no baby yet. Also male age does play a huge part in fertility just as a women's does.

Suggest that it’s important to consider what’s right for YOU, personally.

It may well not be a coincidence that he dated you rather than women of his own age who wanted DC.

How many nights a fortnight does he parent his existing DC? I ask because this can be a good indicator of whether a father (separated from the mother of his DC) is a decent parent.

You wouldn’t be eligible for NHS IVF because he has DC. Something to take into account when making financial decisions

He's an amazing Dad - sadly his child lives abroad with Mum and new Partner - but he goes over there to see him several times a year and child comes to stay with us for the entire summer, every other Christmas', some school holidays and any other time he wants/can!

We have had another discussion last night and he says he really wants to do this soon as possible and if money and getting a house wasn't an issue then he would be up for it now!

We have met with our mortgage broker and we think we can pull off getting a house by early Summer 2020 if we continue with saving and living as frugl a lifestyle as we have been the the last year - that means we could start ttc by this time next year so i'm just gonna focus on saving like mad, coming up with money saving ideas and getting super healthy and prepped!