Why is it not happening?

[RobertsMother]

My husband and I decided to ttc shortly after getting married. It turned out to be a little too much pressure for him so we used home insemination. After 3 cycles, we were overjoyed to fall pregnant. The pregnancy was a dream, then it all went wrong, our son was born early and passed away. This was 10 months ago.

For the last 8 months, we have been ttc again, using home insemination. Every month, I have to deal with the horrific grief of my son not being here and the terrible realisation that I am not pregnant again.

I am so sick of life beating me down. I spent my whole adult life getting things in place to raise a family and now life is mocking me. People around me fall pregnant left, right and centre and I hate them all. I can't be happy for them, I have to cut them out and stop seeing them. I can't stand their smug happiness whilst I feel like I am dying inside.

I can't shake the idea that something is wrong inside. I get so much spotting now, which I read means low progesterone but my basal temp is usually really good. My cycles are fairly regular, albeit shorter than before my son. I thought I pinpointed ovulation well but recently noticed that my opks and basal temperature place ovulation slightly differently. For example, my opks suggested I ovulated last week on Sunday or Monday but my temp dip was on Wednesday and the surge on Thursday. I am now either 5 or 7 and started spotting this morning. I am likely to have about 6 or 7 days of this, then af will come.

My GP just says that he can't help until I have been trying for a year. And even then, he is not sure what I qualify for because my son was born alive so technically, I don't fall under the heading of childless. I have a private clinic appointment next week because I am 32 soon and I want to get things moving.

Why won't life just give me a rainbow? All I ever wanted was to bring my children up and, if it isn't going to happen, I don't know what I will do. There is nothing else I want and I can't just sit watching everyone else live the life I want.

OP I think I remember you from the bereavement board. I am sorry you are struggling TTC.

My baby girl was stillborn in February and completely get the overwhelming need to have a baby. I have good days and bad days but the only thing that gives me real hope for the future is having another baby.

I grieve the loss of my daughter whom I will never see smile, laugh and grow. I grieve the loss of a baby and try to forget that I’m on mat leave without a baby. I worry I will never have a living child.

I don’t mean to talk about me but I wonder if it helps you to know you’re not alone and I may understand some of how you feel.

Re TTC it doesn’t sound right to me that you wouldn’t get any help even after a year because you had a baby. I don’t think I would accept that. Especially after what you have been through you deserve help and advice to have a baby when you need it.

How long did it take you to fall pregnant with Robert if you don’t mind me asking?

And are you sure you are right on your dates? E.g. if you had + OPK on mon/tue then maybe you ovulated Tuesday/Wednesday and your temp dropped after that?

I’m no expert on these things and this month is actually the first month I am TTC.

I think especially if your doctor knows how stressed you are with this then they might be more inclined to help - checking your progesterone and hormone levels for example.

Thanks for your reply. I remember you too, no one should have to be in this club. Life is just so awful.

My dates are very confusing. My opks were positive on the 27th April, so I assumed ovulation was on Sunday/Monday and my temp went up a bit on Tuesday. But then the temp plunged on 1st May and surged upwards on the 2nd. I am wondering if the first ovulation failed so a second one occurred.

With Robert, it only took 3 cycles so I am worried that 8 months means there is something wrong. Maybe the spotting is peri-menopause or endometriosis or cysts?

When I told my GP how stressed I was with the ttc, he said stress could be stopping me getting pregnant and maybe I needed more counselling. Another GP I tried said that it was probably too soon for me to TTC and I should wait until I am in a better place (because losing your child is clearly something you get over).

I am so angry with life for screwing me over like this. Surely I have been through enough? Surely I deserve some light.

Maybe go by your OPK and assume you ov around 24 hours after that as your BBT couldn’t be different due to something else if that makes sense

It’s so easy to assume the worst. Try not to do that. After I had Ruby I had cramps due to a UTI and was convinced I had some kind of ovarian test infection that could render me infertile. It’s so easy to think the worst after the worst has happened before.

Have you had counselling? My DH and I are having counselling and I would do it for as long as I could as I think it does help.

Stress can affect fertility.

BUT I agree with you that there’s no point waiting til you’re in a better place because you might be in this place for a long time yet and I know for me planning for another baby is what gives me hope. I know from Sands that this is the case for many women. There is a TTC board on Sands - perhaps you might find some support there?

Can you see a different GP re your concerns?

We had counselling for ten weeks, which is all that is available in our area. The counsellor was good but she annoyed me towards the end. She told me I was very angry and that it wasn't healthy. That anger was not my real emotion, just a secondary emotion. I felt like asking her if she thought the sky might be blue too....

At first I did go onto to SANDS ttc board but saw (what felt like) nearly every poster get pregnant during that time and had to come off because it made me feel like I must be broken if all these other grieving mother's could just get pregnant so easily.

Tbh, I have seen about 5 or 6 different GPs since I lost my son and I have nothing good to say about any of them. They are all hiding behind "guidelines" and never use their hearts. One of them snapped at me when I questioned him and told me I could always pay for tests if I thought I knew better.

I am hoping they won't find anything scary during my tests next week. Even more so, I hope that this months spotting is just nothing and I fall pregnant again. But I know that spotting is not a good sign so I doubt it.

If I go by my opks and cm, I am 7dpo with af due next weekend.

Some counsellors are better than others. The one we have now is better than one we had previously but she talks about “anger” too. My husband has two elder children and I find it really hard that I have lost my only child and he hasn’t as it feels like I’m alone when we should be going through this together. But she simplifies it every time to “you are so angry that he has children and that is understandable”. She at least says it’s understandable I feel the way I do but sometimes I get annoyed too 😬

Is there another source of counselling you can use. Where I live there is a local baby loss charity that offers free counselling.

Sands has a helpline too.

I can understand what you mean about en forum and other people getting pregnant but I think there are a few there who have been there some time

It is good you are having tests.

Do you normally have spotting? People do have spotting and implantation reading so it’s not conclusive of anything

How do you feel you are doing otherwise?

I know this is about TTC but you do sound very down. I have times when I feel kind of normal / okay and other times everything feels hopeless

If you ever want to PM me for someone to talk to then do

xx

I am very down right now. I had a couple of months when I thought I was doing really well but I have had about a month of feeling like I am at the end of my tether.

I am on the waiting list for cognitive behavioural therapy, which sounds like a waste of time but I will try. I tried the local support group recently but the women running it admitted that the only way they smiled again was by having more children. And they all fell pregnant quickly which added to my worry that there is something wrong with me. Clearly the stress of grief didn't stop them so there must be something extra wrong with me.

I have spotting normally for 3-7 days before period. This time it started at ovulation and has been on and off since then. Not normal. I am going to my GP tomorrow in case something is wrong. Seeing as it is me, I am sure it will be either something terrible or inconclusive.

I just feel like I can't live with this pain and lack of hope. Not entirely sure why I am still here if there is nothing left for me. I am increasingly sure that I am broken inside. Maybe the c-section scarring or maybe some other condition I don't get know about.

I'm very sorry for your loss op

Our experience is not the same but I can relate to what you are feeling. After I gave birth to my stillborn ds2, my period disappeared for four months. It finally arrived after I made a gp appointment. It then took me futher 9 cycles to get pregnant again. Despite yearning for another baby the day ds2 milk came in.

You probably see women who get pregnant quickly as the ones take a long time I think go and find different support system. As you seen it is hard for thoes who are ttc to see other pregnant women.

Sorry I don't have any advice for you.

Hi OP I'm confused to why you are using home insemination??? Did you conceive your son the "traditional" way? I would have thought going back to good old fashioned sex might improve your odds?

The NHS guidelines are you can't have had living children so you should still qualify however you'll have to wait out the 12 months of trying at home - I'm not sure they count home insemination though.......
(When we received confirmation of our NHS IVF funding but then fell pregnant naturally the doctors told me not to cancel the IVF until DC was safely born to avoid having go through the funding process again)

I tried the local support group recently but the women running it admitted that the only way they smiled again was by having more children.

Well that’s not helpful is it

I think it’s natural to want another child and many people start straight away but it takes some people longer than others.

@Veryveryverylate Sorry for the loss of your DS

Did you conceive your son the "traditional" way? I would have thought going back to good old fashioned sex might improve your odds?

OP said she used insemination when she conceived her son but I agree trying things the “old fashioned way” might help (could be as well as using insemination...)

I'm not sure they count home insemination though.......

I wouldn’t tell them OP if it might affect your chances

My husband can't do it the natural way. It's a psychological thing and he's never been able to "finish" the traditional way. We used home insemination for my son and it worked on the third attempt. My GP is aware of the home insemination. He said that if it worked for my son, it should work again but he thinks the stress might be making it take longer. He suggested that we could have sex therapy but there was no guarantee of success and I refused to stop TTC. I don't have time to waste.

If the NHS doesn't count home insemination as trying, then it is probably best that we are going private. If it comes to going NHS at any point, I will just leave out the stuff about home insemination or say that we use traditional as well.

@Veryveryverylate so sorry for your loss. I am glad you got your rainbow in the end but I am sure your son is always there in your heart too.

You give me hope that it is still possible for me to have a living child.

I would suggest that your husband has some psychosexual counselling, as frequent shagging would increase the chances of you getting pregnant.

The traditional way is also complicated by the fact that my husband works shifts and is tired often. Not helping with the romance. I am in a more 9 to 5 situation with less stress so I don't have that I suppose.

@MightyAtlantic as nice as more frequent shagging would be, a mixture of grief, his difficult work patterns and general low libido means this is unlikely. I am considering booking a holiday. We are close by to Manchester Airport so I see the airplanes often- maybe that would help lighten our mood?

How is your husband dealing with the loss OP?

This might not be helping with your sex life etc and the stress but I take on board what you say about why insemination works for you and I’m not trying to push you in that. It sounds like it worked before.

Do you inseminate a few times during your fertile period or just once?

When it comes to dtd to conceive the bus guidelines are to dtd every other day and the reason is partly because of the stress of trying to time everything perfectly. I think another reason is that the quality of sperm is said to be better if dtd regularly

A holiday is a good idea if you can do it. Anything that might help you both relax. We just moved house and have a really nice garden. My DH has been really enjoying his time outside in the garden and greenhouse. I think it’s been really good for him and for both of us we we are not in each others’ pockets!

I’ve heard acupuncture worked for fertility for some people x

We do the insemination every day from day 7 until 2 days after lh surge (Though this might have been not correct this month).

My husband is struggling but doesn't talk to anyone but me. None of his friends have been great and he can't talk to his family. His work has links to maternity stuff so he finds it tough. They haven't been very sympathetic to him.

I tried accupuncture a few months ago and it didn't go well due to my fear of needles. I wish I could have done it as it sounds good.

I don’t think I’d like acupuncture to be honest but I’ve heard of other women on the TTC boards find it helpful.

My husband’s boss was not very supportive. It’s a stressful job and he went back after two weeks pat leave. He found it difficult and his boss told him to “man up”! So he left and is at home atm but will be looking for another job.

He doesn’t really talk. He just tries to keep busy which I think a lot of men do

I hope t goes well if you go to the doctors

Man up???? What a stupid thing to say. I think people can be so horrible.

Yep he used the phrase “man up” and “you need more steel”. It was only two weeks after we lost the baby and my husband was talking to him about how he was struggling as he was trying to read emails and couldn’t focus. He had a sick note but didn’t want to just take time off and drop his boss in it...

I think he did well to be at work at all. I am seriously considering phoning in sick tomorrow because I cannot face the world and that is 10 months later. His boss should have been so impressed and careful with him.

I appear to have renewed brown spotting, bloating and cramps now. Really sure this is impending AF but idiot part of me thinks "May be implantation". Every. Single. Month.

With my son, no spotting, bloating or cramps in the two week wait. So I should know that symptoms =BFN.

And just to round off my day, the royal baby is all over the news. God really hates me, though I knew that already to be fair.

I think you’re doing well to be at work too tbh. I’m still on mat leave. I went on leave the end of Jan which was two weeks before the baby was due and then the baby died the weekend she was due so I just stayed on leave obviously. Not sure when I’ll be going back.

Could you take some time off? Do you think that would help? You seem like you are struggling tbh but maybe that is more so the case today (I know I’m struggling today and have the last few days but some days I feel better)

I think it’s natural to symptom spot but they do say every pregnant is different. I had symptoms before af was due (not cramps or bleeding though) when I got pregnant with my baby girl but if I get pregnant again then it might be different. And sometimes you really just don’t know.

I think a lot of people who are TTC are not excited about the royal baby tbh.

I worry about taking time off because it was so hard to go back in the first place. Sometimes it can be a good distraction. But right now I can't cope and it is like swimming through cement. I know the ttc is not helping but if I want to bring home a baby, the only way out is through. I might take tomorrow off and just cry in bed. Might gather the strength to go back on Wednesday.

The royal baby is happy news for them but I still hate them. The same way I irrationally hate anyone I see with a bump or a baby. "Why can they do it and not me" is the raging thought always on my brain.