Why is it not happening?

[RobertsMother]

My husband and I decided to ttc shortly after getting married. It turned out to be a little too much pressure for him so we used home insemination. After 3 cycles, we were overjoyed to fall pregnant. The pregnancy was a dream, then it all went wrong, our son was born early and passed away. This was 10 months ago.

For the last 8 months, we have been ttc again, using home insemination. Every month, I have to deal with the horrific grief of my son not being here and the terrible realisation that I am not pregnant again.

I am so sick of life beating me down. I spent my whole adult life getting things in place to raise a family and now life is mocking me. People around me fall pregnant left, right and centre and I hate them all. I can't be happy for them, I have to cut them out and stop seeing them. I can't stand their smug happiness whilst I feel like I am dying inside.

I can't shake the idea that something is wrong inside. I get so much spotting now, which I read means low progesterone but my basal temp is usually really good. My cycles are fairly regular, albeit shorter than before my son. I thought I pinpointed ovulation well but recently noticed that my opks and basal temperature place ovulation slightly differently. For example, my opks suggested I ovulated last week on Sunday or Monday but my temp dip was on Wednesday and the surge on Thursday. I am now either 5 or 7 and started spotting this morning. I am likely to have about 6 or 7 days of this, then af will come.

My GP just says that he can't help until I have been trying for a year. And even then, he is not sure what I qualify for because my son was born alive so technically, I don't fall under the heading of childless. I have a private clinic appointment next week because I am 32 soon and I want to get things moving.

Why won't life just give me a rainbow? All I ever wanted was to bring my children up and, if it isn't going to happen, I don't know what I will do. There is nothing else I want and I can't just sit watching everyone else live the life I want.

I think if you need to take a day and you can then take it. I know I couldn’t work right now.

I try not to think that way about women who are pregnant or have babies. It’s easy to think it’s not fair or “why me?” and I think that’s normal. It’s not really fair and it’s a horrible thing that happened. BUT whilst it seems it was my baby who died when all the others are ok, actually I know I’m not the only one to go through this, but also I believe no one has everything all the time. I know people who in the last couple of years have lost their husband, or a grown up son, a friend who just had a baby was left by her husband a few weeks before. I just think horrible things happen all the time to lots of people so I try not to think it’s just me.

I also have found that since this happened I’m more grateful for what I do have. Like my friend who had her baby hasn’t got her husband and so her mat leave us not what she planned and that must be really hard too. It’s not the same but it probably is just as hard.

I don’t always feel like that and I have times when I cry loads but I try to be positive and it helps.

I realise the difficulty conceiving makes it harder but I think they say give it a year if you are under 35.

It's irrational hatred I have, I know. But I can't make myself feel any other way. Maybe one day I will have the energy to work on myself and become a better person. For now, I just avoid pregnant ladies and people with children so that I don't feel the gut wrenching jealousy and they can be happy in peace. To be honest, none of the people I know with children have been very tactful or sensitive so this is probably adding to my negative feelings. I know that most people with children are lovely but I just happen to know some thoughtless idiots.

There are some thoughtless people. I’ve read some such posts on here. There was one the other day where the OP had a lost a baby and her pregnant friend was v insensitive about her own pregnancy and then stole the OP’s babies name! And I know someone who had lost a baby at a few days old and when her friend was pregnant she asked her to organise the baby shower.

I don’t really think it’s about being a better person so much as it’s difficult to avoid pregnant people and babies all the time. I feel like that sometimes but otherwise I try not to let it rule my life as I wouldn’t be able to go out if I got really upset every time I saw a baby. The other thing I think if I see a pregnant woman is that at that stage she doesn’t have any more than I have. I got to full term and then the baby died... u don’t know. I do get really upset sometimes though so sorry if it sounds like I’m trying to tell you how to think xx

No, you are making sense. The way I feel is very debilitating and stops me going out much. I find I spend a lot of time at home as it's safer there. My husband suggested a few months ago that I deliberately watch something with pregnancy or babies in, so I acclimatise but I just can't. I think everyone handles it differently but it's a hard limit for me. If I ever get pregnant again, maybe the painful envy and anger will wear off.

I have a friend who had a baby a few weeks after I lost Ruby and I saw her when she was still pregnant and then I invited her over to see me with the baby (she’s the one whose husband left her so she probably appreciates the support / company too). Anyway I know I’m in the minority as a lot of the women in the Sands group I went to said they had told their friends who had babies to stay away so it’s not for everyone but I do feel a bit like I’ve “got that out of the way” if that makes sense and I even held the baby and it was ok. Because the thing is she’s not Ruby. And no matter how many babies you see they are not Robert. But then I know you are not also missing Robert but probably also worrying that you have not been able to conceive again yet. I don’t know if watching things with babies deliberately is the answer but maybe trying not to actively avoid them if you can.

I really think more counselling would help you, even if it’s CBT. I did that briefly once. It’s just kind of to help you react differently in situations where you might usually get upset or react in a certain way xx

I just can't handle seeing them right now. Not with the loss and potential infertility. I think I would lose it big time.

Sorry I didn’t see your reply last time

I hope you’re doing ok x

Could you get a referral to help your husband? Whilst obviously you managed to get pg before, it's a lot more likely if you are able to be spontaneous plus his issues won't be affected by 1 year wait rules or previous live births. It sounds like stress is a major factor in your lives, the holiday sounds a great idea, book over your fertile period but try not to think about ttc, just relaxing, enjoying each other's company etc. No pressure to perform is key.

The other thing that occurred to me is that everyone is a bit different, I got pg the day my period finished (yes we should have used a condom but I thought it was a safe day) if you like me ovulate at odd times then it could be the problem. I do know of two people who couldn't conceive, one decided to adopt then fell pregnant, the other split from her dh, had a one night stand and oops! The pressure seems to be an issue, try just to enjoy each other and let nature take its course, you are quite young still.

Thinking of you, hopefully positive news soon.