any positive ideas on what i can do...just 50 and dp has left me out of the blue because he has realised that he really really wants his own children...

[zippit]

.....he didn't tell me so we haven't been trying

he has noc children and I have three, the youngest 19

I am devbastated

I will do anything..I am having periods

I am so heart broken

i so wish I had known how he felt

he is 39 and I am just 50 it's all over isn't it

he went yesterday (he dropped ds at the station and was gone for ages so i rang his mobile and he picked up accidentally and I could hear the conversation and he was signing a contractg for a bedsit it was completely surreal and he wasn't going to tell me to the weekend)and he loves me and wants to be friends

zippi

{{{{hugs}}}} zippi ... I don't have any advice ... but am for you. I hope you work it out.

BTW I am sure the MNer 'Triplets' had her triplets by IVF at 50 ... but I am not sure ...

as an aside do mn delete threads like this after if you ask them..I am not normallyone to talk about relationships and feel i won't like it to be here permanently (should have been in chat shouldn't it0

Why, if you are willing to try fertility treatment, has he left? If that is the problem and you are willing to try to solve it, why has he moved out? It is very odd, I think there is more to it Zippi, sorry. Now that may well be a mid-life crisis or depression, or possibly he just wants a different future than you and is hooking it on the babies thing.
I also think you may be being a little too understanding. He moved out without telling you first WTF?? He has behaved in a very disloyal and hurtful way and I would be thinking of yourself before trying to solve his problems for him.
Why haven't you had a baby together so far? Do you want a baby? Really? Do you want to bring a baby into this world as a band aid to an insecure relationship? Do you want to be dealing with a stroppy teen in your 60's(possibly on your own)??

I know I am being harsh and I don't mean to upset you but I think you should really think all around this situation.

I agree with Carmenere-you should perhaps be a little harder on him and much easier on yourself Zippi. None of this is your fault-it is his for not sharing his feelings with you. And I would keep an open mind about other issues that may be behind this.

I agree carmenere..I am very open to being told the harsh stuff too

and i have been thinking of all these things

I think him leaving is the only way he can find out if he can live without me..isn't it?

and i do understand him, I've always been surprised that he had on the surface come to terms with not having children..

he has been scared of sending me into a spiral of mental health problems i think which is why now i am feeling really good mentally he has left 9possibly I think)

And you sound pretty sound of mind if you don't mind me saying
Which is why you must hold onto your dignity and sense of self, by all means support him but not at the cost of you. You are strong enough to make a happy life without him. That is a viable option too. The problems he has may be insurmountable, he may well be trying to do the decent thing rather than running off with a younger model.

a wise post carmenere

I have a fear of madness which make sit harder to cope with life changing stuff and life changing decisions...lots of double checking goes on in my head to try and work out if i am behaving normally!

Try your own eggs first but I assume you've been having sex without protection and not got pregnant. Could they not extract your eggs and fertilise them and implant them first using IVF? Also explore the cheapest place to do this. Sometimes it can be cheaper to fly to India than pay for it privately in the UK. It may be the chance is low with your own eggs at 50 but higher with someone else's.

He needs to talk to you about it. It is very strange to leave rather than explore the options first.

Well here I am being grumbly again, and I don't know your history re: any mental illnesses, but if this is a fear of yours - about your own mental health, then he could have bloody well left in a much more supportive, open, less traumatic way. Sorry. I know you're hopefully looking for a way to sort this all out, but we wouldn't be MNers if we couldn't get a bit angry on your behalf!

apparently eggs of your own are virtually unusable after 44

but donated eggs are very good results even for older women (acc ording to my internet surfing anyway)

there are a lot of ethical matters that relate to egg donation

not least the well being of the donors

my dd1 has also mentioned this having brought her up to be a champion of social welfare she is not backwards in mentioning these things and tbh i am in danger of being hypocritical regarding the ethics and women's welfare

it would be Spain i think..we are both scared of flying

Zippit - is your dp aware you're thinking about doing this? In which case wouldn't it be easier/better if he moved back in so you could really talk about it? Or are you happier with him being away for the moment?

I am determined to keep a grip to the extent of getting back on track with eating and sleeping..not sleeping is especially bad for me

zippit, make a folder of all this info. you have found, store it on your computer and then try to forget about it for a few months. (easier said than done I know) There are so many other things that you and dp need to talk through first.

I realise that it might seem like the answer to the problem but I truely believe that you need to slow down a bit. Sorry. You mustn't put yourself through all these hopes and potential financial difficulties (if you went ahead)

Patience and space and time are needed. x

yes he is

but then i started talking about packing up the house as quickly as possible and selling it moving in to the other house before selling that and thrn ??

so he thought i wasn't

we are both very confused as there is not a right answer

I did suggest he came back but on the other hand there is an argument as it has come to this that the space will reveal some things about ourselves and we don't have to constantly be talking, maybe it could help and it does me that it won't be buried it has to be resolved

it is rather odd to go down the route of an assisted pregnanancy while living apart though and involves some not being completely upfrontness which I am not sure is feasible and the fact that it costs money to live apart when we have none to spare!

50 is the cut off age for a lot of clinics (where it isn't lower) so there isn't a great deal of time unless you go to even more eccentric doctors/places

this is where I have to make a lot of checks and balances re impulsive high risk behaviour

Hold on a minute You are contemplating going through incredibly physically and emotionally invasive and expensive treatment with him remaining in his bedsit? This is mad. Stop thinking like this immediately. You must fix your relationship before you even begin to think about fertility treatment.
So if it doesn't work he doesn't have to come back to you??WTF Zippi?? That's absolutely ridiculous. I trust I have gotten it wrong?

even i haven't got that far

no I am exploring my feelings, trying to make sense of things and taking one day at a time

you guys are being incredibly helpful talking to me

I'm not at all sure where ahything is going

for sure he will be facing his feelings there

maybe it will be the end for us and this will all be a transition or maybe we will go the other way and be together again...I am just not ready to say we are over

Zippi I must say it doesn't sound like th most rational thing to do. I think it is normal to be thinking of crazy and extreme ways to get one's partner back so you are being completely normal in your madness but I don't think it's a plan you should follow.

The only way anything will work zippit is if he comes back to you because he wants to be with you. period. full stop. there can be no other way because anything else will be dependant on something that may or may not happen. may happen and go wrong. etc etc

Well that's me done then, I'm 45. I own't take that as a copper bottomed mumnet contraceptive assurance though.. Cherie B had Leo at 45. Some people's daughters will donate an egg to their mother which is one option.

No Xenia, you are missing the point no one here thinks that Zippi shouldn't try to or couldn't concieve a baby, just that she needs to get the relationship back on track before she tries to conceive.

xenia the bit about eggs is ivf

you can and people do conceive from your own eggs later than 44

but they don't use them in fertility clinics for ivf i think..but quite likely wrong

they definitely don't use your own eggs at 50

thanks franny

i did suggest that he go asnd find a girl and get her pregnanat and we could steal the baby and go into permanent hiding

Oh god zippi, I'm so so sorry. I've only just seen this. Carmenere's posts are wise I think. xxx

I know you are in shock about his leaving but you seem to be blithely agreeing to create a child to fix your fractured relationship. Look at your existing kids, how would one of them feel if they knew they were an elastoplast to hold together a doomed relationship?

What happens to the child five years down the line when you break up - he or she will blame themselves for not being able to fix mummy and daddy.

Not to mention the physical ramifications for you - put plainly you could die trying and your existing kids lose everything.

He's gone. Get ready for the next stage of your life.

Sorry, that sounds really harsh but you seem to be in cloud cuckoo land.

probably i am