any positive ideas on what i can do...just 50 and dp has left me out of the blue because he has realised that he really really wants his own children...

[zippit]

.....he didn't tell me so we haven't been trying

he has noc children and I have three, the youngest 19

I am devbastated

I will do anything..I am having periods

I am so heart broken

i so wish I had known how he felt

he is 39 and I am just 50 it's all over isn't it

he went yesterday (he dropped ds at the station and was gone for ages so i rang his mobile and he picked up accidentally and I could hear the conversation and he was signing a contractg for a bedsit it was completely surreal and he wasn't going to tell me to the weekend)and he loves me and wants to be friends

zippi

My God Zippi, I've only just seen this

How are you today? Any news?

I'm gutted for you

I'm so sorry zippi . I don't have any advice I'm afraid but didn't want to ignore your post.

How are you feeling today?

I'm

thank you for your posts

Zippi, how awful for you.

He has quite seriously mishandled this, which leads me to believe that he may not be telling you the entire truth. Is there somebody else already? Or is he having some kind of breakdown? Surely it is not normal simply to present someone with a fait accompli of this amplitude. You are owed a massive explanation at the very least...

would agree with Duchesse. No-one is saying he shouldn't want children, but just upping and leaving after 8 years wihtout even mentioning it to you? Either he is a complete mess atm and behaving irrationally or (sorry) he has an escape plan already.

My sister went through this - sudden ultimatum and then he was gone - it is a horrid shock and a nightmare to get over. It turned out that he was seeing someone else at the time . She is very happy now btw but it was dreadful at the time.

I was told by my dp that he needs me to have another child to stay together; that was horrid enough, made me feel quite unloved tbh but I can't imagine how awful it is for you if he hasn't even discussed it with you. Seems odd to me if your relationship was as good as you say that he could just upsticks like that with no warning.
He is being selfish, in the way he's tackled it IMO but I can understand the need for his own children, he may have thought yours were enough for him and has just realised they're not, I would give him a couple of days then go round/ invite him over and try to talk things through over a bottle of wine.
Hopefully after a few days on his own, he'll realise how much he's missing you x

Keeping my fingers crossed for you which ever way it pans out.

Oh no

Very sorry to hear this

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Is there another woman do you think?

what a shock for you. I can't help thinking that there is more to it as he seemed unable to discuss this with you before leaving. I'm so sorry.

Oh zippi. Just caught up with this thread. I'm so sorry. You must be devastated.

Oh Zippi - how horrible for you. TBH the wanting own kids thing sounds like an excuse. He's obviously been planning this for a while. Once you get past the shock and reach the anger stage you will realise that actually he has done you a favour if he can just walk out on you without even discussing it.

I know you are 50 and that it must feel like the carpet has been swept from under you but my friend just had her husband walk out (she's 54) and once she got through the initial shock, she's really blossomed. She never realised how much freedom she could have now her children are grown. She's doing an art course, having fun meeting new people and has totally started again. Life does go on.

I would just accept that you can't control him and work on what you want now.

Oh and FWIW he sounds like a total twonk to be so deceitful so I reckon you are well shot of him!

I haven't been able to post on mn again because I was too upset and confused..overwhelmed by so many different emotions.

I am very appreciative of your posts, as i have been absent from mn for a while I am all the more grateful to you all, it is very nice to feel that even though i have no rl friends there are some kind people on mn .

It has been a very surreal week.

Even in such a horrid situation there are a couple of things which may make you smile though...

When I was listening on the phone to the mobile dp actually knocked on in his pocket while he was arranging his little flat, I actually felt like i was that character in the 1973 back from the future thing when he he used to get a phone call from the future...it was like a phone call from my future iyknwim very weird..i have noted it for my future novel

I saw dp every day except yesterday. We went to the gym on friday and Weds. friday was awful as me dp and his brother were the only ones there and the music set me off...don't know who it was but it was ne of those pissed at the end of the disco these words are so horribly relevant o my future scenarios where you end up surrounded by mates in the loos wailing hystericvally

I had tearts streaming while listening to someone sainging something like have you ever thought why your life is as it is and castles in the air or something. I had to retreat to the toilet on my own though.

I went to the gps on Thurs and asked about having a baby ..possibly need a mad emoticon here and she wasn't completely dismissive..i am having a blood test and I have done my geek thing and spent my sleepless nights looking up egg donation which i honestly knew zilch about

Dp doesn't have anyone else. He is now in his flat we moved him on fri, that was hard.

I have scarcely slept or eaten anything and done ltos of decluttering..shredded threee big dustbin bags of paperwork dating back 10 years ...

I think I have psoted on mn before about my sadnes at not being able to have a baby with dp...I had thought we had both come to terms with being a couple who didn't have children together..I really feel for dp and can truly see how he has wrestled alone with this for ages, on the surface he is very laid back clearly there is an enormous amopunt bottled up in him

Sorry to write all this...I might be looking for some support for what i know a lot of people think is wrong..going abroad to try for a baby...

On the good news front..sort of, I have been so unable to eat that i have managed to drop to just below 12stone and so now looking forward to the next goal of 11 stone..I was 14 stone 4 before christmas and have been diligently doing a healthy lifestyle with no alcohol, good diet and food supplements so pysically and mentally I am the best I have been for years..i have to be styrong in the mental health department which is quite scary as it is far from completely in my control

Love to you all..bless you

Well its good that you are losing weight and I'm sorry you don't feel you have any RL friends. Perhaps you could come to a MN meet up?

It sounds like you are accepting what he's saying and trying to comply with his wishes. Do you really want another baby or are you doing it to try and glue your relationship together? Babies rarely do that as you know, in fact mostly they do the opposite and do you want to be left alone, with a small baby in a year or so when he decides actually he's changed his mind again now he has seen how hard it is?

I'm not criticising but think very carefully -you could endanger your health here for very little gain - you may not have another baby and you could try and try and even succeed and still he could leave you. It seems cruel to me for him to state that he is leaving you over this and if he's that sort of man, you are better off alone.

cross posts with whomovedmy chocolate

I know it is hard to believe but i don't think i am deluded in saying dp isn't any happier than me, he is gutted..he has been a muppet for not talking this out over the years...he is a bit cack handed in the communication department

i can wholly see how that desire to have children would build up pressure in his head however much he tried to push it down

wmmc...what you say is true, I am ahving one of those mn times you frequently see where you post common sense and op fails to be anything but blinkered

the trouble is that i am on a knife edge..I have never quite succeeded in leaving the baby stuff entirely behind me and being a grandma..my dgs is 3 and is the same age as the baby i miscarried (I told dd this this week for the first time..I was so distraught it came out) ..that it isn't taking much to tip me in to wanting to try

what I meant was i would say the same to me about moving on etc and things will be ok and lots of lovely opportunities ahead even if you are alone etc

I am saying the same but I am on that magical emotional rollercoaster that always appears at these times where the only ones who can ride are people like me and the real world is a different place

Message withdrawn

yes I'm listening and know that is the rational view,the whole timing of our relationship is shite

he was 31 when we got together and i was 42, I think he has lost as much as me if we split..if not more to be honest as i am his only significant relationship and i do have my children

Zippit it sounds as if this is very distressing for you both.

I don't know your whole story but have you been trying to get pregnant since you had your miscarriage? If yes, have you both been checked out? Whilst your age goes against you maybe there is a problem with dp too?

I don't think there is anything wrong with trying for a baby, but you both have to consider what effect it will have on your relationship if it doesn't work. Would that make him move out again?

he had checks last autumn..he didn't tell me then but i guess he wanted to know if he could have children himself

so good that he can, he has now been a non smoker for a year so he should be better if anything

I am glad we do know he passed these tests because otherwise that would be another unkown ie if he was infertile he couldn't have his bioloigical children anyway..so i am glad we know already he can as otherwise it might be me wishing he couldn't if i could be that unkind which I'm really not

we haven't avoided it but i always thought being in my forties it was unlikely and I had very difficult time with my middle dd as a teen so life wasn't easy...now we are at a good time to have chidlren, if only i was 40

"if only I was 40" don't say that zippit. I too am 50 so do know where you are coming from. But, at the end of the day it IS only a number. I know plenty of 30 year olds who act like they are 60 and vice versa. I have also come across several menopausal women who had accidents and had late babies. (watch out for twins it's quite common i understand around menopause!)

I think the only thing to be done at the moment is talk through everything. Now that you are aware of how he feels and he knows your feelings, maybe give him the space of living alone but keep talking, talking, talking. Not trying to persuade him to do anything differently at the moment but to at least explore everything that you are both thinking.

My dh had a massive midlife crisis a few years ago and I only now think we are coming out the other side. I don't like the way everything is, even now, but patience has become my middle name! and i have learnt some stuff about myself along the way.

thanks polly..your post is lovely

I don't feel 50

I think it's space he needs tbh

he isn't looking to find someone else now

he is as muddled as me and I looking back i can see that he was struggling ..but being so wrapped up in building this house we haven't talked except about that

I am exploring the possibility even if that means it goes nowehre, I will take each step and keep thinking and thinking

I hate that he isn't here, but he is coming later as we have agreed he will carry on with work on the house...it is very odd but tbh we are odd

He is very lovely as a person and I asm quite upset that he has gone through all this trauma on his own

and nice to say hello to another older mner numbers do thin off at this age!