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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

Want to start TTC but I'm a bridesmaid

32 replies

Hopingtottc · 18/12/2018 09:58

Hi all, I'm a long time lurker but never posted but I just need some outside advice.

My best friend is getting married Aug next year in Ireland and I have just gotten married in November - she was my bridesmaid and I am hers. Before my wedding, She asked me to wait to TTC until later as she didn't want me to be unable to fly to her wedding (not that she had a problem with me being pregnant in general). I didn't know what to say and at the time it wasn't on my mind but in the last few months I would really like to start trying and I'm worried that if I was to fall quickly then I would be 8 months and unable to fly and I would have ruined my friendship with her.

The reasons I don't want to hold off are I've been on the pill and I know it can take a few months to get back to normal and ovulate at all but also (and mainly) because I had long term undiagnosed chlamydia (2 years) and I am unsure if I can even have more children and don't really want to waste more time.

I'm torn between what I feel is right for my family (I already have a 7 year old) and doing what's right for my friend, I'd be gutted if I waited and it turned out there was a problem and we could have started earlier so we could have tests etc done but also I know there is a small chance of falling pregnant immediately!

I just genuinely need some outside opinions - I've only spoken to my mum and she says it's unfair for my friend to ask me to wait but I know she would also love more grandchildren so maybe she is biased!

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
DogMamma · 18/12/2018 10:03

I'm with your mum it's unfair to ask that of you. Why would you have to fly to Ireland? Do you live abroad, you could get a ferry over many if in UK, granted you would have to drive or get a train if you don't live close to a port and it would add more time to your journey but surely you'd do it, it's clear your friend means a lot to you.

Original poster
Hopingtottc · 18/12/2018 10:06

Sorry! I'm in the UK and neither airlines not ferry will take you past 32 weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopingtottc · 18/12/2018 10:08

I would happily travel in any way I was allowed at any stage though!

OP posts:
DogMamma · 18/12/2018 10:10

Ferries will. It's only if you work on-board you can't sail after 28 weeks. There is no restriction for passenger, depending in the route they may advise against it this time of year when it's particularly rough, but they can't actually stop you worked for a world leading ferry company for a long time and there is no restriction to sailing while pregnant unless you're crew x

DogMamma · 18/12/2018 10:10

Work* not worked

DogMamma · 18/12/2018 10:12

www.stenaline.co.uk/faqs/customers-with-particular-needs/can-i-travel-if-im-pregnant

Only on a certain route you cannot travel, it's a particularly rough route

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/12/2018 10:13

I think its unfair of your friend to ask you, you dont have to totally sync your lives. However if you are that concerned then start trying in March, I really doubt 3 months will have any impact on your fertility.

Original poster
Hopingtottc · 18/12/2018 10:15

Oh really? That's better news, my googling said there was a limit so I was extra panicked. I'd happily take as long as it took on the ferry :)
She also said about the lack of NHS etc but that wouldn't stop me from trying, it would just a consideration later on iykwim, But the lack of travel is what was worrying me first and foremost.

She really isn't a bad friend, She is one of my best, But she can be quite controlling and easily stressed out so I'd rather at least have options to go to her with if I were so lucky to fall early on

OP posts:
Irishgal123 · 18/12/2018 10:16

You can fly with a docs note at any time!! I flew at 35 weeks. My cousin flew over from oz and back at 32 weeks and 36 weeks! It’s not a big deal unless you are extremely high risk. And from U.K. to Ireland is about an hour so not exactly long haul. It’s totally doable. Go for it!

Loopytiles · 18/12/2018 10:16

Your friend was being U. Ignore. If attending her wedding becomes too difficult for pregnancy related reasons it’s unfortunate, but she’d be U to be off with you over it.

Irishgal123 · 18/12/2018 10:17

And also it is free to have a baby in Ireland. There is no nhs yes but maternity care is free so also not an issue if for some crazy reason you end up going’s into labour in Ireland.

Irishgal123 · 18/12/2018 10:19

To be honest I would fly before I would get the ferry when pregnant (travel sickness might be an issue) and flying is way less travel time.

sar302 · 18/12/2018 10:21

Just to say that I had a bridesmaid who I was also bridesmaid for. She got married first 5 months before me, and made a HUGE deal about me not getting pregnant before her wedding. She was then 5 months pregnant at my wedding! I didn't care about the fact she was pregnant, but it was bloody hypocritical!

You can't plan babies to a specific time slot, and you definitely shouldn't plan your family around a friend's wedding.

Original poster
Hopingtottc · 18/12/2018 10:22

Thank you for all your speedy replies! I'm so happy I posted.

I can't explain how torn I've been about it and really down as it's all I'm thinking about (TTC) and the OH is on board as well so it was all perfect except for this little snag. I'd be delighted for my friend if she had the same problem and was pregnant, even if she did miss the wedding but a small part of me was worried since she had mentioned it previously, But now it looks like I have some back up ideas :)

Guess I'll be taking my last pill next week!

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 18/12/2018 10:23

Just get on with it- even if you concieve quickly it's still no guarantee. I got pregnant the first month we tried there but had a m/c and am still waiting on my cycle going back to "normal" so we can try again. I'm gutted and frustrated, and I think it would only be worse if I'd put off trying to facilitate a friend's wedding. I agree with your DM that it's completely unreasonable of her to ask you to plan your family around her wedding.

Look at the boat options, research hospitals near the venue and make a decision, but tbh you need to prioritise you and your family. The fact that she's even asked this if you suggests a certain amount of selfishness on her part, and you should bear that in mind.

Narya · 18/12/2018 10:26

It's a bit of an unfair ask, but sounds like she just wants you there to celebrate with her.

OP you say you are worried about ovulating after coming off the pill. Could you come off the pill now and then use condoms for a couple of months. That way you are getting the pill out of your system, but not actively ttc quite yet? Then when you do ttc, hopefully you'll be ovulating etc just fine.

PrincessDaff · 18/12/2018 10:27

Your friend is being unreasonable! I was a bridesmaid at my friends wedding while I was pregnant. I couldn't go on the hen do abroad but I was at the wedding. I had my ds 10 days later. My friend would never have dreamed of asking me to not ttc before her wedding.

I get married next year and I have 5 bridesmaids and any of these are likely to ttc before then I wouldn't dare ask them not to for my wedding.

DogMamma · 18/12/2018 10:34

when you Google it, it's more specific to cruise ships as you're on them for a significant amount of time.

I know on-board a stena line ferry all captains and at least two cabin crew have a captains first aid ticket it's a five day course renewed yearly where they receive extensive training and are trained to deliver babies do stitches, administer controlled meds like morphine (only caoatain can authroise that though) they can even put one of them tubes in someones throat to open airways, as well a bunch of other things that only nurses or doctors can do,
there is two people with this certificate on every shift (day and night)

each ferry also has a small but fully stocked "hospital" a sterile room *varies in size depending on ferry) with a range of equipment in preparation for incidents, requiring basic first aid, has a bed monitors breathing apparatus and a range of medications, and im anything requireing more than basic to.medium first aid an announcement will always be made asking if there is a doctor, nurse or paramedic on board if not they will contact the closest port to alert the nearest hospital to have a doctor call and give verbal or video assistance and have an ambulance and medical staff on stand by for such incidents. I have assisted two women give birth on board over the years just held their hand (not the medical side)
I've the 3 day cert not 5 but I'm usually asked to attend and assist (pass equipment talk to passenger). You'd be in safe hands,

DogMamma · 18/12/2018 10:35

On board all ferries.in the UK it's a legal requirement for these people to be On board if not the ship can't sail

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 18/12/2018 10:37

That is a very unreasonable demand of your friend.

To be frank, having eight good friends around me all unable to conceive or carry a pregnancy last year I would say to absolutely anybody do not wait if you feel the time is “right”.

DogMamma · 18/12/2018 10:38

Hospital is for more than basic first aid...dam phone

Zebedee88 · 18/12/2018 10:39

I usually see both sides, and I can see both...but would it be difficult to wait literally a month or so? She has no issue with you being pregnant, she's just worried you can't get there.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/12/2018 10:43

If you really don't want to risk missing it, then could you hold off a few months so you'd be say 6 months at the wedding if you got pregnant immediately? And yes I know babies are born at 24 weeks but it's rare. So ttc from Feb? That would go e you Xmas and New Year to indulge and then January to detox.

However obviously you have every right to get as pregnant as you want as soon as you want and I wish you well!!

MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue · 18/12/2018 11:09

I agree she is BU. If you want to start trying you should just go for it. The travel, as others have said, is not an issue if you do get pregnant and really want to go. However, there's not only coming off the pill and your cycles to think about but also as @TheCraicDealer said, sadly there is no guarantee even if you do get pregnant that things will go to plan. I have spent all of this year trying to conceive number two. I had a miscarriage just before 12 weeks in July. I now feel down and stressed about a whole year going by and can't imagine how I would feel if I had held of for a friend's wedding and then found myself in this situation! Your family and what is right for you must come first.

workinprogressmum · 20/12/2018 11:17

Do what is right for you.

I was trying for my son for 18 months then conceived and was 4 months pregnant at my friend's wedding. She'd bought a dress based on the fact I might be pregnant (I had to go braless because my boobs were bigger and lift the bottom part over my bump).

Am glad we didn't stop trying just because I wanted to attend her wedding / fit into the dress. But really it's up to you :)

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