Want a baby but my husband wont have sex

[Hellosunshine33]

Hi all,

I'm very new here, but I've seen so many people helping and supporting others so I'm going for it and spilling my heart out.

My husband and I have been married for 18 months, together nearly 10 years and I love him to bits. We've had discussions about wanting a baby but that's all it ever seems to be and it's breaking my heart piece by piece.
He's never been the most affectionate person, and were not frequently having sex and never have (much to my disappointment). We've seen a sex counsellor and whilst things did improve slightly at the time it's just gone back to how it was. We have sex on holiday and maybe once every 3 months otherwise.

Im at the age where a friend is announcing a pregnancy once every 3 months and I am so happy for them, but with each announcement I feel myself closing off more and more. I'm in tears just trying to write this.

I dont know what to do. I've spoken about it to him so many times. Maybe I'm a fool for thinking it would change.

I don't want to give up hope but my heart is breaking and I'm not sure how long I can carry on like this. I'm probably not helping myself as I've become more distant from him but I'm starting ti begrudge him for how I feel.

Any advice would be great. Please be kind, I'm feeling fragile and I can't talk to any friends about it comfortably.

Thanks

What does he say when you speak to him about it? It's a difficult one as obviously it would be wrong to ask him to have sex if he doesn't want to, however if he wants a baby then it's necessary to have sex!

Is he ready for TTC or is it still a future idea for him? What happens if you jnitiate? The fact that you've had counselling around this and it's a long term issue is tricky, are you content with the idea that your sex life may not become more regular ever?

If you have such mismatched sex drives maybe this isn’t the time to add a baby into the mix.
Think long and hard about your needs in a happy, satisfying relationship particularly since you have already tried counselling to little effect.

Thanks for the replies so quickly. He wants to have sex, I think he just doesn't know how to be affectionate which you need to build up to intimacy. I always used to initiate but I'm losing the momento to even try. It's like I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face but I'm hurting so badly I don't feel like I want to be the one to always lead. Makes me feel like I'm pushing him into it. He says he wants to have sex, I think it's become so regular us not having it that it just doesn't happen.

Our sex drives aren't that mismatched. He would be happy once a month, I'd be happy once a week. Compromise, every couple of weeks would be fine, it's not the want to have it, it's just how the situation has evolved into a massive horrible heartbreaking elephant in the room to the point of I can barely speak about it to him.

Does he definitely want a baby and is your relationship otherwise strong?

If so maybe you can start the ball rolling by stopping contraceptive, if you haven't already, and working out when you are ovulating each month and let him know when it's time. Maybe you can agree to clear your diaries and pick a night to have a cosy night in with a takeaway and bottle of wine or whatever you both like. Maybe even agree to have a bath together or ask him for a massage that night. Switch off phones and laptops and just spend the night relaxing in each others company and set the right atmosphere for him to do his duty!

Hi crazy old bag lady (love it)!

Yes we both want a baby, he's been broody for much longer than I have surprisingly! Our relationship is very strong other than the sex. He is so kind and caring, loyal, and all round a decent man.

I've not been on the pill for 2 years, so no issues there. I have told him when I'm ovulating but I feel like that puts more pressure on the situation. But yes putting a date in the diary is a good idea. I need to sit down and talk to him about it again but I know I'll just end up becoming a crying mess once more and it's exhausting!

I have sympathy as I've known my husband for a similar amount of time and I've often been frustrated by the lack of intimacy. I think you just have to keep having the same conversation whenever things drift again unfortunately. I know how frustrating it can be. I think my husband needs to be reminded that I love him and fancy him, and really want to feel close to him, so I keep the conversation to that sort of tone. We had our first child last year, I think once we got going with trying it lost some of the awkwardness.

You need to explain to your husband that you need to start having sex even before you confirm you are ovulating coz by the time you get confirmation of ovulation the egg may have expired. Best to start as soon as you finish your period and carry on for up to three days after you confirm ovulation has occurred - just in case. This means having sex every other day from like day 8 or 9 to day 16 or 17 (if you're on a text book 28day cycle). That should see you having sex 5 days a month. If you use a device like Ava with the app (or just any regular tracking app without a device like Mycycles) you can let him see exactly how this works and hopefully when he understands the process he will get on board. You can also try discussing it with your GP, maybe they can explain to him how frequency of intercourse really helps in increasing the chance of conception coz when it comes down to it it can be just a numbers game - the more frequently you try around the optimal time the more you increase your chance of success.

And try not to tire of having to initiate the sex all the time as demoralising as it can be sometimes. You have to keep him informed. Give advance notice like telling him in the morning that “we need to have sex tonight” so he can prepare himself mentally and generally when approaching your fertile period.

Finally, pray. There is nothing too mundane for prayer. God cares about every detail of our lives.

All the best!

Would you consider DIY artificial insemination in the meantime? I know it’s not the answer to your relationship long term but it might take the pressure off him to perform in the meantime

’He would be happy once a month, I'd be happy once a week. Compromise, every couple of weeks would be fine’
I’m not sure you can compromise in this situation. If he doesn’t want it then he doesn’t want it.
Very tough for you both, especially with wanting a baby.

I was in this situation once, been together 7 years and married 18 months. Marriage really focussed my mind on spending the whole of the rest of my life trying to initiate sex and being rejected. He was an absolutely lovely man in every other way but I just couldn't do it. I've never told anyone why we broke up and I know a lot of people were confused, but six months later he found someone he's now really happy with and I'm married to a fantastic man with a matching sex drive and we have two brilliant boys. I just want to say to think hard about the rest of your life - having a child makes things complicated.

What, if anything, turns him on? Do you flirt with each other, tease, share laughs, cuddles, hugs, that sort of thing? Dinners out, long walks, conversation, shared interests, anything like that?

Sex shouldn't be a chore, IMO. It should happen spontaneously and so you both need to create a loving, trusting mood. No pressure, no talk of babies for awhile.

Thanks all for your replies. I've stopped mentioning babies to ease the pressure but nothing seems to help. Maybe we're just not meant to be. I don't want to give up but it will break me eventually

Just dtd when you are fertile. All it takes is figuring out the right day (as long as everything else is in order). We conceived our first 2 one try. So it can happen. But our third is a bit more difficult as it seems w the first two we don’t always have the energy or opportunity to do on the correct day. Also, my dh seems to get sick around fertile period. Last month tummy bug and this month flu! But I’ve got a few days so hoping he is better in time!

Hi @Hellosunshine33 - what did the sex therapy unearth? How did you get things in a better shape then? We've had similar issues, I think we had sex about twice in three years before starting therapy. Now we're at the stage where my partner can DTD on demand, but it did take quite a bit of work to get to that stage. Having sex five days in a row has made me realise my sex drive is actually a lot lower than I thought it was and I look forward to when we can just do it once a month or so now (which is probably our end goal, he will never have a high sex drive).

I did look into using syringes and self inoculation, which seems to have a pretty good success rate, if he has no problems with masturbation. However my partner wasn't up for that and said he would just try to perform more often.

You have my every sympathy though. It's bloody hard and makes the pressure and stress of TTC even worse. And also a lot of people just can't understand it unless they've been there themselves.

Also we've been TTC for over a year now. It certainly gets easier and less awkward the more we have sex, and our relationship has improved and got more intimate generally. So at least if we don't manage to conceive it's helped improve our relationship.

@79andnotout

Thank you that sounds very reassuring to hear. I think I need to talk to him properly again, I just become such an emotional mess when I do.

The therapy unearthed that he never had any affection as a child and struggles to show it now. I know he loves me and we have worked on improving it but I feel like we've taken 10 steps back and gone back to square 1. 2 close friends have just announced pregnancies which has made it so raw all over again.

Have you tried masturbating in front of him? If he doesn't want it, there's still no reason not to watch you and perhaps help. This would take care of your needs and perhaps improve your intimacy.

Make sure to do it every day though, as if you do want to concieve you will need to have sex very often.

That said, it doesn't sound like your relationship is in the right place for a baby. And you have to consider the baby's future - won't they suffer with parents who have deep relationship problems? A baby won't improve your relationship, it would probably make all your problems more difficult, unfortunately. Just something to consider.

I came across this thread today and I understand your pain. I am in a similar situation. My husband and I have known each other for 8 years and been married for 7 years. Ours was an arranged marriage and we were virgins before we got married. We were still basically when we got married. My husband tried to initiate sex but I took some time to get comfortable. We finally had sex a year after our marriage. It was awkward.. I didn’t know what to do and how to do it. I know sex in movies doesn’t show the awkwardness.
I realised that sex would always be awkward and it gets less awkward the more you do it. It was really hard for me to initiate. I would be terrified about being rejected. I overthink and add more pressure on myself. My husband stopped initiate sex completely. I would try to initiate but the who stress building up to it would make me anxious. Eventually penetration became painful. We tried 3-4 times and husband wouldn’t even try after that.
I haven’t been to a doctor yet. I struggle to talk about it. I can’t talk to my friends about it. Even if I go to a doctor, I am sure my husband wouldn’t join me. We talk about having a kid. But nothing else. Every time I see someone pregnant or hear about someone being pregnant, I feel like a total loser.
I tried talking to my husband about it. But i cry more than getting understandable words out of my mouth.

Hey hello sunshine, I feel like I’m reading about my situation when you described yours. What did you do? X

Hellosunshine33 Is 3 years after your post so not sure if you would see this. I am in the same situation, would you mind please to share what did you do. I am so sad right now.

Hi Sunshine, I'm sorry to hear your story and unfortunately it echoes mine almost entirely. I am desperate for a baby and aged 35 but my husband of 8 years is not interested in sex. We have some relationship problems - he is obsessed with sport, lazy, moody, a mummy's boy (she babies him still at aged 40 and unfortunately we live very close to his parents, which has not helped loosen the apron strings), and has a very stressful job. He works very hard at that but in his spare time he is mostly found glued to his phone or the sport, whether that's here or in his mum's. These issues have made me feel angry and resentful over the years as he just doesn't make enough effort and hasn't even since we got married. He has said for some time that he does want children but he refuses to act on the fact that in order to do so we need to have a sex life. I have tried hinting, making an effort, sexy underwear, actually spelling it out for him, even explaining I'm ovulating and asking for sex. Nothing. He still insists he wants to have a baby but when it comes down to it just ignores all my hints and advances. I just don't understand why and we don't get anywhere when we talk. We end up arguing about it whenever I try to get it on because he ignores me and I end up getting annoyed or upset because of it. I seen your post is from 2018 and I would love to know how you are getting on. I hope you have managed to sort out your problems and have been blessed with a child by now. Xxx

@Hellosunshine33 I know this thread was awhile ago, but I actually wanted to check in and get an update! I'm in a somewhat similar situation and it's weighed very heavy over the years.

@newenglander we went through sex therapy and worked on our physical relationship and now we have a nearly one year old :)

@Hellosunshine33 CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so happy it worked out