Feeling sad. How do you keep positive?

[MrsDash]

I’m 11dpo and have just had a tiny amount of pale pink spotting. I used to get excited that it might be implantation bleeding but 5 cycles later I now realise it signals AF is on its way.

I’ve been off the pill 10 months. I have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis (mostly on my bladder so in theory shouldn’t stop me conceiving) and my gynaecologist has now told us to have fertility checks. I had a chemical back in June though so know I can get pregnant but at the moment it just feels so remote and at the same time so many friends are getting pregnant. I’m really struggling to cope.

How does everyone keep a positive mental attitude?

I don't have much advice I'm afraid, but I feel the same. I've just taken up a couple of hobbies again to try and distract myself a bit more, focusing on 'me' a bit, I feel like TTC can batter your mental health if you have the kind of experience we do (I have been TTC over a year and had a chemical last cycle).

I'm hoping someone else has some ideas for the pair of us!

It really sucks! I conceived DS on the 15th cycle and I think I cried when af arrived for 14 of those...

My main advice is not to put your life on hold. I spent a full year putting things off/not booking holidays/not applying for promotions etc because "I might be pregnant then" and for me that made it worse when I didn't turn out to be pregnant. The same with depriving myself of things like alcohol - the abstinence feels like such a waste if its been for nothing!

When we finally were successful we had to cancel and rearrange a holiday and I had to pull out of being a bridesmaid, but those things were much easier to do than if I had turned them down and still not been pregnant (if that makes sense)

Can't offer much more advice than those above, but there are a bunch of us on the Yam thread in the same boat and it seems to help sharing our woes! Come over and join us if you like x

Yam Fam! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/3389057-yam-fam

Thanks all!

Yes, totally agree it helps to share. I feel like the moment I know af is coming I need to tell DH or my mum. Feels like I need to offload or something. They are brilliant but to be honest my mum had no problem conceiving 3 children so hasn’t been through it, and DH seems to feel more positive and that it’ll happen soon.
So it’s great to have this outlet where we’re all in the same boat. I’ll deffo check out the Yam page.

That advice makes a lot of sense @monkeytoucher and @orcinusorca . I’ve spent so long thinking ‘we’ll I’ll be pregnant then’ and altering plans and it just makes me feel worse when that date comes along. I need to focus on living my life as I was before TTC. I also need to work out how not to feel sad when I hear of others being pregnant. I cried the other week when I heard our neighbour is pregnant. We’d hoped to be having a baby around the same time as them.

It’s so touch.

*it’s so tough

I find other people getting pregnant really hard. I thought I'd get better at dealing with it but I haven't so far, just trying to chalk it up to being in the crappy club we're in!

I'm quite logical too so I don't really symptom spot, because I know that technically you can't have symptoms at 6DPO for example. That cuts out quite a bit of the two week wait chatter for me! To some extent MN makes me worse, so I am thinking of going on a bit of a MN detox...I have hidden quite a few areas now to reduce the type of threads coming up which add to my grumpiness.

It's a bitch. It really is. And as much as friends and family can mean well I don't think anyone understands unless they've been there.

You talk a lot of sense @orcinusorca

Completely agree re symptom spotting etc - it’s so u helpful. I’m usually pretty good but 7dpo onwards I start stressing, watching and worrying the spotting will start that signals AF.

I find MN really supportive but agree that it can also drive you mad in terms of overthinking everything.

I’m going to take myself off to Pilates this evening and try not to the spend the whole hour wondering when AF will show.

Hope you enjoy your Pilates @MrsDash

I had reflexology this afternoon which will hopefully mean I get a good nights sleep! I have been really bad doing multiple tests this cycle and I find that awful too, don't know why I've been doing it. Not going to test at all until I'm late in future, so distracting from day to day and causes me more stress than it's worth. I hadn't done tests like that for months and months, daft really.

Thanks @orcinusorca
I know exactly what you mean. I went about three cycles of testing before af was due and then feeling really silly for wasting the tests when af arrived as usual. But it’s so difficult isn’t it? Often there have been events like weddings or hen dos and I just want to find out beforehand so I know if I can drink.

Completely agree. I'm surrounded by people who are pregnant at work. As someone said to me there, it comes in threes. It'll be you next!

Nope. Didn't take long for the third person to announce I hope it's our turn soon.

@shhsecretenclosed I know exactly what you mean. I know that when you’re TTC it’s on your mind so you notice it more but of course it’s an age thing too. So many of our friends seem to be pregnant atm :(

Hi, I can totally relate to all of this. I had a mc in September at 11 weeks, had 1 af since, second one due at the weekend. Tested this morning and BFN. I’m struggling with my emotions. I mostly feel anger at the moment which is horrible I hate it. I know it’s probably a symptom of my grief but it’s just so hard. X

Oh ladies, so sorry so many of us are united in feeling so pants.

@Sshsecretenclosed you must have wanted to punch whoever said that!

Sorry for your loss @Dramaqueen14 that must be very raw still.

I feel like I'm turning into a really selfish bitch lately too. I am bridesmaid at a wedding in August next year so should really skip TTC next cycle, but I don't think I'm going to. It's only one month to miss, but that is how crackers I now am.

I think I'm going to read a couple of books to try and change my mindset, keep getting stuck in negative ruts.

It's good to know we are not alone in feeling like this. I just hope we all have a BFP soon.

I wish I knew how people stay positive though and keep up enthusiasm for DTD!!

If it’s any consolation, I had a similar experience. Took over a year to conceive DC1 (several chemicals on the way), and every one of my friends was getting knocked up first try (or so it seemed!). When TTC DC2 we had no problems when lots of our ‘super fertile’ friends were experiencing secondary infertility. Same with DC3. You just can’t predict who’ll have difficulties.

My point is I thought it’d never happen (also had some endometriosis) and not much later we have three. So hang in there!

Thank you orcinusorca, it’s still so raw and difficult. I feel I NEED to be pregnant by what would have been my due date (end of March) but that’s just heaped the pressure on. Cried this morning after BFN, felt I couldn’t go to work but I did. Been grumpy all day, at everyone.

I don’t think you are being selfish not wanting to miss a cycle. You shouldn’t feel you have to put life on hold for someone else. I would just go for it. I’m sure the bride would be happy for you if you had to missthe wedding for that reason! Xx

I really did want to @OrcinusOrca!!

Any tips anyone for keeping positive and believing it will happen?!?

@askmeaskme thank you so much for your message as it really does give hope. Having recently being diagnosed with endo I’m currently feeling like it’s never going to happen... even though the gynaecologist said my bladder endo shouldn’t affect my fertility in theory, and the chemical proves I can conceive. It’s so easy for it to feel completely hopeless.
I also think it’s interesting what you say about your friends. I know two ladies who got pregnant v.quickly first time but took around a year the second, for no apparent reason. It’s intetesting to think it can also happen the other way around and it happen quickly the second or third time TTC.

@dramaqueen14 I completely understand. I would have been due in Feb and keep thinking about it. And I have also been feeling really sad and grumpy today since discovering light spotting this morning. I cried my way home from work.

Just back from a Pilates class which had relaxing music and I must say I feel better. Not sure how long that’ll last though. If af shows tomorrow my good mood will have worn off again...

@MrsDash hey, I also have recent diagnosis of endo on the bowel and in pouch behind uterus. Also ttc and even though it's only been one cycle I am already conscious I'm stressing over it. It sounds like a good idea what I was reading about taking up a hobby and I'm hoping with Xmas coming up I'll be too busy to be wondering every 5 mins if I'm pregnant and when I am going to get a BFP. Best of luck and lots of love to you x

@molinski I’m sorry to hear about your endo. It’s sad how common it is. I actually started a page (TTC #1 with endometriosis) on her a while back, so feel free to join in if helpful. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/3365400-TTC-1-with-Endometriosis

My endo is/was primarily bladder and bowel but weirdly the bowel endo is now just scar tissue and not active anymore. Weird how it can come and go.
I understand how you feel. I’m so paranoid even though the gyno has basically said it shouldn’t affect my fertility in theory... Good idea about keeping busy and distracted. Lots of luck and love to you too x

@MrsDash thank you for the link to your thread I've just given it a quick read and it does look helpful! Thank you. How did you know it's now inactive and has gone to scar tissue? Did you stop getting symptoms? It's such a horrible club to be in isn't it ☹️ drs also told me that ttc was a good idea for 1yr and didn't see why it would be difficult just because of endo because like you it's not around reproductive organs. I went back to work after my diagnostic lap to a colleague pregnant with twins and then the day after that Meghan Markle announced the new baby and I was just in bits! So hard not to be down about things and remain positive especially when you know that can have an impact on likeliness of conceiving! 🤦🏽‍♀️

@molinski my goodness it’s like you’re reading my mind. Know exactly what you mean re everyone suddenly being pregnant. And the worry about conception just gets worse the more pregnant women you hear about.
I had diagnostic lap in sept and then MRI scan in Oct. From the lap they could tell the bowel endo was old, and then the MRI confirmed it is now scar tissue which they told me at my last appointment.
My symptoms started with painful bowel movements during af (GP said it might be endo), I came off the pill, bm pain actually disappeared but then I had painful urination during af instead (which is still going strong) so presumably that’s when the bladder endo started. Endo is strange and so horrible. Shocking that it affects 1/10 women and yet it’s still relatively unknown.

@MrsDash yep new mamas to be everywhere I turn! The day will come for both of us I'm sure. It's just an agonising and uncertain wait. Sorry to hear you've had some terrible symptoms. I had such a bad upset tummy and pains opening my bowels when I had af but I didn't know this was endo I just thought it was weird cramps from af and did not put the two together. It sounds like your local team are moving along really quick and are good at keeping you updated. I also had my diagnostic lap in sept and was told my 6 week follow up appointment was 27th December as that was earliest I could be seen. So only discussion I have had from the findings so far was in recovery room when I was on my own coming round!

Oh my goodness that’s so long to wait, poor you! I thought it was bad waiting 6 weeks. The post op discussion isn’t great is it? I hardly remembered half of mine as I was so woozy. Luckily DH was there and filled me in a couple of days later. Did they tell you anything about treatment during that? I was told I might have to have hormonal injections and surgery but now they’re saying it would be one or the other. And basically saying that probably the ideal thing to do is have a baby first then consider treatment.

@MrsDash yes it is a long time to wait. I've enquired about having this privately but my consultants first private appointment available is end of this month and £170 so I might as well just wait the extra three weeks 🤦🏽‍♀️ my partner wasn't allowed with me so I had no one tell me again once I'd come around but luckily I was with it a bit more than I expected and could recall what he'd said. They've told me that they couldn't remove it there and then as it's in a really hard place to reach so I would need a bowel resection with a stoma for 12 weeks and then another op to put me all back together again but they'd recommend we ttc first. Which we are more than happy to do as we have discussed this together in length anyway. No mention of any other treatment that I can recall!