40 and single, too late for a baby??

[tex111]

I saw a friend of mine today and she was quite upset about a doctor's appt she had yesterday. She recently turned 40, is single but would like to have a baby. The doctor basically told her to forget about it.

Is it too late at 40? She has been seeing someone off and on for years but he doesn't want to have children. Is artificial insemination an option and would NHS cover it for a single woman? If not, does anyone have any idea of costs, etc?

She was so upset to feel that she had lost the opportunity to have a child of her own. I think she would consider adoption but I understand that can be quite difficult for a single person too. Anyone have any advice I can pass on?

Many thanks

40 is not too late to have your first baby - a friend of my mother's had her first baby at 41, then two more, her last at 46 (got them all in quick!). That was 50 years ago.

It's not too difficult even for a single person to adopt if she is prepared to adopt a child no-one else wants.

40 is not too late

i have no idea about AI on the nhs

But adoption is being made easier for single people now, Maybe she should enquire into it?

Hi Tex. I'm sure she would be able to have treatment but i'm not entirely sure on cost as I assume she would have to go the donor route? I think there was someone on here, I think I know her name but won't say incase I'm wrong. I'll have a search when I get the chance. I would think the cost would be around £1500/2000 possibly for donor insemination, possibly more depending on her individual circumstances and health etc. I'm pregnant now and 38, after my 5th go of IUI, keeping everything crossed as i've had 2 m/c's. I had to go that route as I lost my husband 2 years ago. I've always wanted children though and always thought that if I was financially ok etc but happened to be single that I would do the same as your friend. I have thought about adoption on and off but tbh I'm running out of strength with each go and hopefully I won't need to now. Adoption is a tough and lengthy process and if she wanted a baby she'd most certainly have to go abroad. The rules etc are a lot tougher than they used to be too. Treatment, on your own, is extremely tough too but hopefully, for me anyway, it'll be worth it. I wish her luck x

Hi Tex. I feel for your friend because I'm in a very similar position. 40 is not too late, but if she is going to embark on treatment she needs to understand that it may be lengthy and stressful and there is a substantial chance it won't work. On the other hand, I have a number of friends who have got pregnant through artificial insemination at her age.

She would be very, very lucky to get NHS treatment. It depends on her local hospital's policy but most won't offer free treatment to single women. However, sounds worth checking out - can she go back to her GP and ask for a referral?

A number of private clinics will provide treatment to single women (if she is in London she will have a good choice, otherwise she may have to travel). She will have to be assessed for suitability, and the clinic will have to consider the child's welfare, including the child's 'need for a father'. That doesn't mean that she has to provide a father, more that she should have thought through what it might mean, how she will provide positive male role models to her child etc. She will also be asked to provide a letter from her GP.

Costs vary. There are 'start-up' costs (covering consultation, tests etc) of I think £200-400, then monthly costs of around £300-600 (depending on number of inseminations, whether you have intra-cervical or intra-uterine etc).

One last point is that clinics always use frozen sperm, which is less effective than fresh sperm. If there is anyway her partner could change his mind then that would be a far better way of ttc.

Finally, the law has recently changed to make it easier for single people to adopt. She should definitely investigate this option, even if she doesn't pursue it yet (she has less time to get pregnant than she does to adopt, IYSWIM).

I know loads (far too much, sadly!) about this subject, so if you want any more, or if your friend wants to email me direct, do just ask.

Ooh, another thing (stop me, someone). Your friend should be aware that donor insemination with frozen sperm at her age has a success rate of around 8% per cycle (more if you take fertility drugs or go intra-uterine). Most women will need quite a few goes before conceiving, and so she and her bank balance need to be prepared for the long haul.

Not too late just because of her age, tho if her doctor has said this there may be something else I guess. But if she is sure that she wants children, and it certainly sounds like she is, she really needs to sort it out with the guy she is seeing. Time for an ultimatum.

Easy to say - not easy to do - it took me 4 years to really believe my xh when he said he didn't want children. This despite him having a vasectomy half way through the time. Still feel a fool about it but i thought i loved him enough not to have kids. i didn't.

This was in the Daily Record on Wednesday link

The larger story inside the paper said treatment cost £2000.

Aloha is very good on the issue of age and fertility; essentially, as I understand it, it's quite individual at our age. Some of us are less fertile, others don't really seem to have any problem conceiving at all. Without further investigation, her doctor IMO was being totally out of order.

Adoption is not nearly as age-limited in the UK any more - I think it's something like 40 years between the age of the parent and the child - and single people are able to adopt as well; although there are various caveats - some birth parents, for instance, want their children to be adopted by young-ish parents. There are not very many babies on offer, though, although there are some (if she is non-white and/or up for adopting a disabled baby, that would widen her options). Alternatively, adoption from abroad is a possibility (she'd go through the same clearance procedures as for adoption in the UK).

I have at least one friend who conceived using donor sperm. Cost her about £300 a go, I think.

PS: I get really, really angry with the assumption women our age are too past-it to get up the duff. I know it's sometimes harder, but it certainly wasn't for me, or for loads of other older mums on here.

How would she feel about casual sex to get pregnant and just not telling the father - cheaper than AI after all.

I guess this post will outrage some people but it is after all an option, at least in theory.

I got pregnant at the age of 41 after trying for...oooh, about ten minutes.You simply can't tell from someone's age how fertile they are. Studies tend to show that actually, 70% of 40-year-olds are still fertile, though fertility does drop off quite dramatically after 40. She could a/join a dating agency making it clear she would like kids b/persuade her partner c/go the AI route either with a friend as donor or anonymously, though personally, I think it is nicer if you can at least give your child's father a name - but this is my personal opinion.
On a more general note, I do think it is a terrible shame though that when women know they want kids they still waste years of their fertile lives on men who don't want children. I just want to say to them, GET OUT NOW!

I do know someone who was single at 40, met Mr Right and had twins at 42 without fertility treatment. She's a bit shellshocked!!

Thanks so much for all of this information. I'll definitely pass it all on. I do think her doc was out of order as it was just her second visit and there was very little discussion other than age and her relationship situation. The doc actually suggested my friend just go the 'deception' route with her sometimes partner. I guess that is a possibility but not one that she wants to take.

What about talking it over with any gay male friends she's got who want to be parents, and/or wouldn't mind donating? Is that an option? Friends of mine have gone down this route, with differing degrees of involvement on the part of the men concerned.

It's probably a bit dodgy to chat to female friends about their husbands, isn't it, given the emotions that can fly around, but that is another possibility.

Clinic sounds the best way in many ways, doesn't it.

Bloody men. Nabbed one who did want kids just in time myself, but only just.

I think that's a terrible thing for your friend's doc to suggest. Honestly, all those years at medical school and the best s/he can do is prescribe landing a child with a dad who may be resentful/reluctant/no longer there . Sorry to rant, but it does really wind me up that we have so much tabloid shock horror about donor insemination for single women/lesbians, but casually advising women to trick men into parenthood is apparently OK. Thank goodness your friend has got you to talk to.

What a very odd doctor he is, to be sure. First he tells your friend she's got no chance of having a baby at 40, then tells her to deceive her DP - how could she deceive him if she's got no chance of having a baby? They obviously didn't teach logic at his medical school!

A friend of my sister had her daughter at 42 using IUI no problem, although I don't know if she had more than one attempt. She is hoping to do it again, but she is now 45 and has tried IVF but not yet successfully. She has done it privately and the clinic she has gone to has been very supportive.

I do think that before she tries fertility treatment she should see whether straightforward insemination - whether that's through sex, 'fresh' from a donor or frozen, works out. Much cheaper, for starters.

And probably much more likely to be successful.

I passed on your comments and her spirits have really been lifted. She's going to see a different doc and go in armed with more information. I really hope she succeeds one way or another as I think she'd be a brilliant mother. Your stories have definitely been inspiring.

40 is definitely not too late to start a family, many women do so. I would suggest that she only do it with the support of a lifetime partner though, as I know from experience that it is difficult enough even with support.

Why don't you suggest that your friend goes to an introduction agency? To some extent, meeting a compatible partner is a numbers game and I'm sure that a reputable agency would be able to match her with any number of suitable men. It's very difficult to meet partners nowadays because we are all expected to be so geographically mobile but there are any number of men out there who are in a similar situation and would be only too pleased to have the opportunity to meet someone to share a life and parenthood with.

If she took that route she would have it all ie a good relationship and a family.

Oh my goodness as if life isn't hard enough as it is without such a jackass doctor in the picture. Has your friend had any kind of fertility testing to help reassure her or remedy any physical problems that may hinder her getting pg if/when personal circumstances allow? The hormone FSH is considered a good guide to the state of the ovaries. A good fertility gynae or fertility clinic could run a battery of fairly simple tests - blood tests to check hormones, ovulation etc, hycosy to look at the structure of the uterus etc. 40 is not too late. Like another poster, my dh's great aunt didn't marry until 41 and then managed to produce 3 children and went on to live until 101. Equally there will be someone out there who is only 25 and struggling to become pg. I also have a good friend who gave up on becoming pg after years of treatment and then became pg the old fashioned way at age 45. Does she have the financial means to cover any private treatment? I know that many clinics will not deal with single women wanting IUI with donor sperm but some do or are affiliated to clinics in Europe who will treat single women. Your friend still has plenty of options open to her. I think ditching the current man and signing up with an agency is a good start.

It might reassure your friend to know that being a mum of a certain age works the other way round too. I have just had my first child aged 25 and had some interesting reactions! Although I have been married for 3 years, loads of people weren't sure whether or not not congratulate me on my pregnancy in spite of the fact that it was planned, and seem to feel that my life is over before it has begun which is rubbish. We decided that there is never a right time to start a family so decided to do anyway. I hope that my youth will help me in my relationship with my son and any others that come along, and look forward to having grandchildren while I am still old enought to belt around the park with them. I'm sure having children in your 40's has its own advantages, such as being able to afford to do more with them and bringing all your experiences of life to them.

I have to say, if she doesn't want to tricky her bloke, and he is unpersuadable, then she should bin him fast. A dating agency has to be better than him.

I've mentioned this on here before, but I had a boyfriend whose mother had her first ds at 46, her second at 47 and her third (my exBF) at 48. She was knackered, naturally, but she did it