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Conception

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Original poster

I'm 21, in my last year of Uni but really want baby

31 replies

xxhannahlouisexx · 13/08/2018 16:52

Hi guys,

I'm looking to chat to some non-judgemental mums out there, I'm 21, I've been with my partner for 3 years nearly and we've lived together pretty much since we got together,

we've always wanted a baby but now I'm getting really broody and don't want to carry on with contraception. However I found out a few weeks ago that my partner had chatted sexually to a girl online, this was only for 2 hours and he did ask if she wanted to meet him in a park but he didn't go (I have proof of this), he also admitted to doing this twice more in the past but only speaking to them for a couple of hours then deleting them/not talking to them anymore. I want to make it work and give him a second chance, I have told him if this ever happens again then we will be finished. He understands this and was very remorseful, he was completely honest with me which if he wasn't honest with me then I would of broke it off there and then. I also want to add that he's got major depression but like most men he doesn't talk about it and doesn't like going to the doctors, this will sound bad but I feel like at least he's being honest type of thing with the reason as to why he did it and that was an escape from reality (due to his depression) obviously it's an awful excuse and very much unacceptable, I told him that and as I said if he hadn't of been honest I would of broken it off there and then, but I'm going to give him a second chance, a final chance.

Since that happened and we spoke about things, I realised where I had neglected him and vice versa we have been really good, I'm just worried this is going to be a honeymoon phase part 2 and it'll go back to how it was... but so far so good. He says he wants a baby but I don't think he realises how much work a child will be and how much he will have to sacrifice. I don't think anyone truely understands until they have a child but I am aware it's not easy at all. I feel as if I'm ready for a baby, I don't go out partying, I don't do drugs and I rarely drink but the problem is for me is that I have schizophrenia which isn't great, but I'm on tablets for it and it is under control, however I am still worried... but this is what it's going to be like forever now on tablets with schizophrenia so in that sense I don't think it's going to change and that shouldn't stop me from having a baby.

My credit score is shockingly bad so I can't get a mortgage but my partner can, which is what he'll be doing in October, he's also learning to drive so in essence I feel like we'll be ready physically just whether we'll be ready mentally? I feel like I am but obviously how you feel can be different to what you are.

I know I'm still really young and there's a load of red flags but I do feel like I'm ready, a lot of people might think I'm wanting to have a baby to fix our relationship but I feel like we're fixing that without a baby and it does take some time, and I've been wanting a baby for years, I just happen to be extremely broody at the moment.

I just want to hear some advice, your stories, whether you've been in a similar place etc. I know a lot of people will tell me to live my life first but there's nothing I want to do where I couldn't take a child with me or do with a child etc.

thank you for reading :)

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 13/08/2018 16:58

I would not be in a relationship with this man. He’s already shown he is untrustworthy on a number of occasions. Find someone who respects you.

whydoineedanickname · 13/08/2018 17:02

Don’t have a baby with someone who tried to cheat on you. He doesn’t respect you and a baby would make it more difficult to get rid of him.

Bowlofbabelfish · 13/08/2018 17:02

He’s a shit. Don’t have kids with him.

Finish your degree, get your foot on the job ladder, secure housing and a man who isn’t sexting other women before you even think about kids.

That’s blunt, I know, but you did ask.

donajimena · 13/08/2018 17:02

Gosh this has disaster written all over it. You both sound very immature. Do you want a baby to have some hold over him? It doesn't work. He'll be just as shit and you'll be holding the baby and completely fuck up your immediate future.

NaomiNagata · 13/08/2018 17:04

I was you. Turned 22 before giving birth, but 21 when pregnant. Met my ex at uni, together for a few years, living in my place etc.

He cheated multiple times and I didn't find out until I was pregnant with our 2nd. The only reason I got through it was that I was financially stable. I had no money worries and owned my home. I cannot imagine having got through the break up if I wasn't financially independent.

Don't do it. Don't do it at your age and don't do it with this man.

reallyshouldnamechangemore · 13/08/2018 17:15

I was coming on to say get your degree and get some work experience so you're in a good position to support your child just off the basis of the title. And then I read the rest of the post! Of course you shouldn't have a baby with this man now. How will you support your child when he fucks off a bit further down the line (which he will on the basis of what you've said.)

Original poster

xxhannahlouisexx · 13/08/2018 17:16

Hi,

Yeah it's not an ideal situation and I probably won't go through with trying to have a baby it's just being so broody it's hard to deal with lol.

Yeah he has done wrong, and it was so hard to forgive him but I have and if he does it again I will leave him baby or not. And no I don't want to have a baby to have a hold over him that's not fair on the child or him or me. And I've played the situation over a thousand times in my head but I've chosen to give him a second chance because everyone deserves a second chance but not a third or fourth chance or so on. If I want to leave then I will leave, if he wants to leave then he'll leave and I'm not going to have a baby to trap him. Sometimes I feel immature, other times I feel mature. Obviously there is every chance he'll do it again but there is a chance he'll never do it again and that's the glimmer of hope that I'm holding on to. I'm going to give him a second chance if he fucks up then he fucks up and he'll lose me

I'm sorry if this message looks all messy and unorganised with no structure I'm just typing what comes straight out of my head.

thanks

OP posts:

AnExcellentUsername · 13/08/2018 17:18

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR DEGREE TO HAVE A BABY WITH HIM. Seriously. Do not rely on him. Why would you want to have a baby with someone who behaves this way? Are you prepared to be a single mother, because I can almost guarantee that's what will happen?

reallyshouldnamechangemore · 13/08/2018 17:19

Give him a second chance, that's fine. But this has just happened, you need to give it time to prove he's not going do it again before you jump into having a baby. Surely you don't know what whether he's earned his second chance or not?!

BendingSpoons · 13/08/2018 17:26

You will be vulnerable if you move into his house and have a baby, particularly if you don't work full time so aren't earning as much. It would be sensible to wait a bit and really work out if this relationship is a good idea first.

reallyshouldnamechangemore · 13/08/2018 17:26

Also might be an idea to wait til he's actually passed the driving test and bought the house if you want those things. Sounds like
Pie in the sky.

Aethelthryth · 13/08/2018 17:32

If he will marry you first(if he won't commit this far then he's definitely not ready and if you won't, nor are you); if you have both finished your degrees and got jobs; if you can afford childcare so that having a baby won 't stop you establishing yourself in a career, then go ahead. Otherwise you would be completely mad.

Kirdypurdy14 · 13/08/2018 17:35

It doesn't matter how long he was talking to them for you seem to be making it ok in your head because it was only 2 hours he still done it regardless if the chat was 2 hours or 2 mins the thought was there and he acted on it. Having a baby can be extremely tough and can test even the strongest of relationships I understand your broody but the tine is not right for you right now finish your degree and make sure your partner respects the second chance you've given him and can prove he is trustworthy.

imip · 13/08/2018 17:37

Please don’t have a baby yet. Finish your degree. I had 4 dc ‘later’ in life and 2 have SN, so I have only just now returned to PT work at a much lower level after 12 years out of the work force. Having a degree just always makes it so much easier to get a job, to change careers with a post-grad degree (eg teaching). Tbh, he sounds like an arse and will probably only cheat again. I really wouldn’t have a baby now, or with him.

flumpybear · 13/08/2018 17:45

Please get your education - no one can take that from you and you can get a job/career - with a baby, no quals and a potential cheater on your hands you'll end up in hot water

Broody feelings or not, ignore til you're in a much better place as for now til you have tour degree you have very little to support a baby

SinkGirl · 13/08/2018 17:50

From experience, I can pretty much guarantee you you won’t be with this guy in a couple of years. You don’t need to put up with this.

Finish your degree. Get started on your career. Improve your credit rating. Save some money if you can. There’s no rush, you have plenty of time,

bellinisurge · 13/08/2018 17:50

Do not have a baby with this man. You have at least 20 years fertility ahead of you. You will make better choices. Get your education .

Angharad07 · 13/08/2018 18:01

I’m 21, just graduated this summer and I’m 5 months preganant. Me and my partner are not financially stable but are getting there. If I could have had more time after graduating then I would have taken it.

If I were you I’d wait another 12 months and see where you’re at, that way you’ve given yourself more time to prepare but also have a date for when you know you can satisfy your baby cravings. It’s difficult enough coping with a partner’s mental health, your own and a baby. A baby needs stable parents and you will need 100% of his support so I’d wait until he’s coping better.

Additionally, the stress of housing worries while pregnant is enormous. All I want is to feel secure in my own home and time is running out, I’d have loved to have sorted that first so my baby didn’t have to go through the stress with me.

LemonysSnicket · 13/08/2018 18:04

Why would you want a baby when you've just worked 3 years for your degree? Trust me it is HARD to get a good grad job. It took me 3 months after I finished my MA... do you want that uncertainty when pregnant? Especially with an unreliable partner?
I'm 23 now and a year out of uni and there is enough to be dealing with- the move into full time work, being a bit skint, moving away from home.
We were the same as you, met on the first day of uni and lived together whilst there for the 4 years, apart in summer. It is nothin like living together alone when you both work full time. It's taken us this year to figure it out, to get back to an equilibrium with each other in an entirely new life.

Slow down. You have your whole life ahead of you.

CountFosco · 13/08/2018 18:04

I agree with all the PP about not having a baby before you finish your education and with a man who has already tried to cheat on you. Don't do it.

But lets talk about your broodiness. Why do you feel so broody? Are you trying to fill a hole in your life from childhood. Or could it be a symptom of your schizophrenia? Maybe worth talking to a HCP about that. And about the practical considerations like how pregnancy might affect your schizophrenia and if you can take your medication when pregnant/breastfeeding? You are very young, have a serious mental condition, and no income. Do you have substantial support systems in place to help you during pregnancy and parenthood?

LemonysSnicket · 13/08/2018 18:07

I also don't think you know how expensive childcare is, how much you're going to have to work all hours and drop everything at a good entry level job or how far behind in your career it will make you if you take four years out without any work experience straight after your degree.

crazycatgal · 13/08/2018 18:10

You will probably end up as a single mum down the line if you have a baby with your partner. He has tried to cheat on you. If you truly believe that he is sorry and won't do it again then give him a couple of years to prove this before having a child with him.

Findingdotty · 13/08/2018 18:11

You don’t sound emotionally, financially ready and your relationship does not sound secure at all. I would not even entertain have a child at the moment. You will need extra support as you have schizophrenia and medication for it that may need to be adjusted. You may well need more support whilst parenting too. You need a secure situation both in your relationship and also financially/housing, etc.

Movablefeast · 13/08/2018 18:23

The majority of women on this thread will be older than you OP, we want the best for you and to give you sound advice. It is so important for the rest of your life that you are able to be financially independent. Financial independence gives you the freedom to be free to make your own decisions in the future and protects you if a partner at any stage of your life leaves you.

You mention that you have bad credit, why is that? This indictates that you are still learning about money and money management. Understanding and being able to mange money is extremely important for achieving your long and short term goals. I think you should be honest with yourself, you are putting the cart before the horse talking about have a baby when you are not in a stable relationship, you are financially vulnerable and do not have your own home. Babies are beautiful and wonderful but they also need to have a secure and stable environment in which to grow. Right now as a young woman you could make financial sacrifices and live a very simple life such a cheap flat-share for example. Most likely however you would not want to raise a baby in the same environment and you would not want to be in a situation where you were forced to do without things you would like to give your child.

You might want to reflect on why you are longing for a child right now? Do you see having a baby as giving you a new option or path out of something that is making you unhappy? It’s important to recognize any issues or personal problems you are dealing with would not disappear if you had a baby, instead you would still have those issues but now you would need to look after a vulnerable human being whose needs you must meet before your own 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Having a child is the greatest commitment you can ever make, you are bringing a new person into the world and you are personally responsible for absolutely everything that happens to them. There is absolutely nothing that compares to the seriousness of this commitment.

Therefore as so many other posters have said, step back from moving in such a very serious direction. You clearly have not got a stable environment to bring a baby into. Instead, finish your studies and sort your financial situation out. This would bring your stress levels down and help you to become much more optimistic about your future. Aim for financial independence and a stable relationship with someone who is ready and able to share parenting with you. Someone who is excited about having children and ready to make that commitment. I would recommend you buy a book such as “Personal Finance for Dummies” and teach yourself money management.

TigerDragonMonkey · 13/08/2018 18:30

Is it possible that the current baby fever is brought on by uncertainty about your career? It’s not usual for people to get to the final year and still be completely lost about what you want to do afterwards. If you know for a fact you want to be a mum one day you may have an urge to start your family right now because it’s the only thing about your future you are sure about. If that sounds like a possibility (could be totally off the mark since I don’t know you at all!) I’d suggest talking to your uni’s career advisor and see if there is something you can do with your degree that you can get excited about, and get yourself in a better position to support your future family.

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