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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

Living a lie

37 replies

LiveInCompanion · 07/04/2018 19:27

For nearly 3 years my husband and I have been supposedly trying for a baby. In all that time we’ve had sex perhaps 10 times. He insists he wants a baby, that he loves me, that he fancies me etc.

I’m at the end of my tether. I feel lied to and cheated. I know if I raise the subject he will cry and get upset and insist nothing is wrong.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

OP posts:

MaGratgarlik1983 · 07/04/2018 19:38

That sounds rough. My DH took a couple of years to decide to have DS and we talked about having two. DS is now 2.5 and he's still not keen on ttc. It's totally rubbish. Maybe your DH like mine is worried about money or stress but he should be honest with you. I think men are pretty good at procrastinating and then it all being our fault! I hope you get answers soon, I know how you feel x

physicskate · 07/04/2018 19:40

Couples counselling? Ask how he would feel/ what he would think of you looked at donor sperm?

Sounds like this is a massive relationship issue... you have my complete sympathies...

Are you sure you want to continue the relationship?

Original poster

LiveInCompanion · 07/04/2018 20:00

No real money or stress worries. I’m finding it harder to excuse his behaviour; he’s just completely self absorbed hence my name on here.

I doubt he’d go to counselling and would say all the right things (which is what he does every time I raise the issue).

I don’t know if I can overcome my resentment towards him much longer

OP posts:

Whatevszz · 07/04/2018 20:20

That must be so hard for you. Do you think it's worth cutting your losses? Or would couple counselling maybe shed some light?

Whatevszz · 07/04/2018 20:21

Sorry x post

Whatevszz · 07/04/2018 20:21

You might get some more responses on Relationships OP

Owlpatrol · 07/04/2018 20:37

I totally understand what you mean. I left my ex just as we were deciding to start ttcing and not that this should effect your opinion but honestly it was the best thing I did. We had other problems just then babies but my resentment towards him grew and grew until I decided to leave. Sorry your going through this sending big hugs xx

Original poster

LiveInCompanion · 07/04/2018 20:57

I guess I think counselling would just delay things; as I said he'd just say all the right things but I guess I ultimately don't believe he will change and I've run out of energy to console him when he protests how hurt he feels.

I think age is a factor and he knew at 42 time mattered and I just feel betrayed

Sorry to vent

OP posts:

MaGratgarlik1983 · 07/04/2018 22:28

Hope you're OK. Totally rubbish!

Original poster

LiveInCompanion · 07/04/2018 23:18

I’m probably too old to conceive naturally. Very isolated as I feel telling friends would be a betrayal to him but I’m so tired of having to reply to their enquiries with lies and shrugs. I want to scream and say can’t get pregnant if you haven’t had sex this year! He’d say we just haven’t been lucky yet and would give me a quick hug. He genuinely believes we are ‘trying’ 🤬

OP posts:

Oneapenny · 07/04/2018 23:20

What do you think the actual issue is ie why aren’t you having more sex?

Original poster

LiveInCompanion · 07/04/2018 23:37

His attention and energy go into work and his phone. He’s just happy with companionship and a live in housekeeper.

OP posts:

Pixel99 · 08/04/2018 00:01

What were things like in your relationship prior to trying 3 years ago? Is he a lot older than you? Does he have children already? You don't need to answer here OP these are questions you perhaps need to look at, if you haven't already. His unwillingness to talk added with his failure to see that sex is required suggest more than just burying his head in the sand. I am sorry for you OP but his interest in his work and phone are red flags that he is not very invested in his marriage at the moment. You need to sit him down, away from his phone for a serious discussion or two. Best wishes, I hope it works out for you.

Pipsqueak11 · 08/04/2018 00:24

I'm so sorry - that must be awful . Do you think it's time to have a very straight talk with him so he knows you're serious and your relationship is at risk?

Original poster

LiveInCompanion · 08/04/2018 00:29

We had lived apart, I'd asked questions before moving in but he always said time, distance and commuting made things harder and it would be different once I relocated and moved. He doesn't have chn and is a couple of years younger

I have tried many times to talk (he will not reply and just gets upset and says he's sorry) I've explained how I feel, he says he cares and it will be different. It never is. Every time I try to share and he doesn't change it makes my resentment worse.

I keep thinking this is my last chance for a baby. If I leave I won't be jumping into another relationship.

OP posts:

QueenofmyPrinces · 08/04/2018 07:15

Oh OP - it sounds so difficult.

I think the bottom line is that he obviously doesn’t want a baby because if he did want a baby you’d be having regular sex. Sometimes it really is that black and white.

Take away all the crap, his reassurances, his platitudes etc etc and underneath it all is a man who doesn’t want a baby and seems to think it’s fine to lie to you and deny you of something that is incredibly important to you.

I’m only basing this on my own experience when TTC with my husband though who was just as eager and excited about having a baby as I was. Maybe some men aren’t bothered or excited when it comes to TTC, I don’t know, but I imagine most are.

Personally I would not be staying with this man as even putting the baby issue to one side, he’s been entirely selfish and deceitful to treat you like this and take away your opportunity to be a mother when he knows it’s something you want so much.

He’s allowed not to want children and that’s his choice to make, but he should have been honest with you because so much time has now been wasted.

You have my sympathies because it sounds like a very difficult situation to be in and nobody would blame you for putting an end to it all.

There are options available to women who want children but don’t have a partner so perhaps you could look into sperm donation. It may not be your ideal scenario but please don’t spend even more years with a nan who clearly doesn’t want what you want but sees no problem in pretending he does just so you stick around.

Life is short so put yourself first

Oneapenny · 08/04/2018 07:27

Surely if he is an intelligent man he is just kidding himself that he thinks you are trying for a baby but not having sex.

bluebird3 · 08/04/2018 08:10

Does he not know how ovulation and conception work? Maybe he really thinks it will happen with the 1-2x/year. Could you go to a clinic for a fertility MOT and get some advice off the doctor as to frequency/chances etc? Maybe it will 'sink in' coming from a doctor. If nothing changes could you suggest using a sperm donor (if you want to remain in the relationship that is)? If not, cut your losses and go for it on your own if you really want a baby.

KnitKitty · 08/04/2018 08:44

My advice would be to have your side of the conversation in writing for him to read so that you have full control over what is being said and he can't brush away a serious talk about it before you've had your full say.

I would write down (possibly in bullet points so it's to-the-point) all of your thoughts/worries/anger at the issue for him to read it in black and white. Make sure he can read how much your relationship is suffering from this in case he has his head in the sand and is unaware that you're on the rocks over this issue. I would also do some internet research and print out general advice given for men on TTC, making sure there is a clear outline of how often sex is needed, and perhaps a print out on help for men TTC who have a low labido. It wouldn't harm to have information printed about TTC when over 40 as well so he can understand how serious the issue is.

Finally, I would have a sheet with "our plan" on it, so that once he has read through all the information and your feelings on the situation, you can sit down together and write up a plan of action together, rather than just letting it all fall back to being how it was before. Something along the lines of getting him to write down a promise on paper as to how often he can honestly commit to having sex, what each of you is going to do to improve your chances of conceiving, and what your plan is in case this doesn't happen in 6 months etc...
Make sure he is fully aware of the consequences if he doesn't stick to your plan.

I think having it in writing might bring home the seriousness of the issue a bit, and you can then show him what you'd discussed and committed to on your plan if after a few weeks he reverts back to old habits. He can't just deny the conversation or sweep it under the carpet that way.

That's what I would do anyway.

Good luck.

helloworld88 · 08/04/2018 08:53

Sorry you're going through this :(
The little amount of sex he wants is raising some red flags....maybe he's getting it elsewhere? And like you said he does just want you as a live in companion? Sorry if it's harsh. You can't be treated like this. It's not good for your mental health. Why don't you try some counselling on your own? Might build your confidence up a bit so you can leave him? If you go to your gp then they can refer you to some which is free if money is an issue. Hope you're ok 💐

TheVanguardSix · 08/04/2018 09:03

Ugh. That's just total rubbish. My resentment would be burning.

I'd go the blunt route. You could write it all down OR just say it:

"We won't have kids at the rate we're having sex. What do you want? Because it's cards on the table time."

He's a time bandit, OP.

You need to have babies with someone else. Because you'll have kids with this guy (perhaps) and the issues around sex will remain. A different resentment will evolve. Sex right now is about having kids- it should be about more than this but undeniably there is a period of time between a couple where you're both focused on making a family. And when you're done making a family, you shouldn't be done with sex.
I have a feeling that you could flog a dead horse and eek out one child with your husband (maybe)... but then what?
He doesn't sound like someone who wants to invest in anyone but himself. It sounds like a lonely marriage.

TheVanguardSix · 08/04/2018 09:04

Are you 42 OP or is he 42?

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth · 08/04/2018 09:09

Oh gosh, that sounds heartbreaking. I recognise some of the feelings though in somewhat different circumstances (the tears, that you end up consoling them) it is draining.

I talking to a friend is not as much of a betrayal as his behaviour. Don’t keep it all in

HariboIsMyCrack · 08/04/2018 09:16

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TheVanguardSix · 08/04/2018 09:33

I see that at 42, it's not just a case of upping sticks and looking for new love
Sorry if I sounded too hard, but I really can feel your pain.

I think the issue is less of a case of bad timing (this can be worked on) and way more of an issue of him just not willing to make this happen. He's no fool. You don't get into your late 30s/40s and NOT realise that in order to make a baby, consistent sex is required. I'd be worried if he really had his head in the clouds about this! They don't call it 'gettin' busy' for nothing.

Do you use Clear Blue ovulation kits or anything like that (I'd really recommend this so you know when you're ovulating- at least you'll have an idea as to when you should be having sex and hopefully, this will give you more to work with)?
Don't despair. I had my last at 42, naturally, no fertility treatment at all. And I know plenty of women who've had their first at 40 and beyond. But your DH has got to NOT be so damn lazy.

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