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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

Living a lie

37 replies

LiveInCompanion · 07/04/2018 19:27

For nearly 3 years my husband and I have been supposedly trying for a baby. In all that time we’ve had sex perhaps 10 times. He insists he wants a baby, that he loves me, that he fancies me etc.

I’m at the end of my tether. I feel lied to and cheated. I know if I raise the subject he will cry and get upset and insist nothing is wrong.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
Oneapenny · 08/04/2018 09:45

I have seen posts on here where women have said they didn’t know anything about ovulation or conception or that they were fertile at certain times of the month so it is possible he does need it spelling out to him.

Kannet · 08/04/2018 15:25

Honestly leave him and go it alone. Don't lose your chance

AlphaApple · 08/04/2018 21:28

Why would you want to bring a baby into a marriage that's clearly over?

Original poster
LiveInCompanion · 10/04/2018 19:58

Thanks all for your replies; not always easy to read but some good advice xx

OP posts:
SoyDora · 10/04/2018 20:03

I think the TTC is a red herring really... are you happy to stay in a marriage where you only have sex 10 times in 3 years, regardless of TTC?

RatRolyPoly · 10/04/2018 20:07

Gosh, how awful OP. I'm sorry to say that I agree with Soy. It's not whether or not he wants a baby that I'd be worrying about, it's why he doesn't seem to want sex. The phone is suspicious. Does he watch porn, that you know of? Flowers

RandomMess · 10/04/2018 20:11

Ask him if he would be happy for you to do DIY AI?

I would feel angry and betrayed too Sad

TTCnamechange · 11/04/2018 09:05

I have some idea how you feel OP.
Dh and I have been hoping to conceive for 2+yrs. (We already have a 3yr old)
We don't have sex often. When I talk to him about it he insists that he does want another child. I've been down the check my health route but all fine there so unlikely it's secondary infertility. I've explained to him that I've done that anyway and all the main advice regarding conceiving is regular sex, every 2-3 days. He's said said he can do that yet last month, after the latest of those conversations, we still only had sex twice.

What's happening with having sex? Are you waiting for him to initiate? Do you try to initiate? Does he reject you? Don't feel like you have to answer, just things to think to yourself.

My dh is a bit too into work vs homelife sometimes, but at the same time It's easy to only see things from your own perspective.
I can be as much to blame for a lack of sex as I've been off work unwell for a long time, & am knackered just existing and looking after our dd. When I'm at work as well I'm exhausted. But somehow I still expect him to take the lead and want sex with me to make a baby.

It's easy to blame him but there's two people in your relationship and 2 people need to feel like having sex. Life gets in the way of the ideal life. It's a cliche but do.you make time for one another? Do you still have things you enjoy doing together? Do you do those things? If not try getting back to enjoying your time together and hopefully the intimacy will return naturally.

I know it's not easy to do though. I know that's what my relationship needs but it's so much easier to just stick to things as they are. It takes an effort to improve things. You need to improve things before a baby is in your relationship because they're bloody hard work! Good luck. Sorry if my advice is useless.

Talk to your friends though. If they're good friends you should be able to share your situation and at least lift the weight off you a bit.

TTCnamechange · 11/04/2018 09:05

Wow sorry for the essay!!!

Microwavey · 11/04/2018 09:11

Were you 42 when you started ttc or are you 42 now? If the former, how would he respond to the idea of doing ivf with his sperm and donor eggs egg (if you are 45 and therefore unlikely, I'm guessing, to conceive using your own diet eggs)? That'd take sex out of the equation and might clarify his position on having a baby.

Onceuponatimethen · 11/04/2018 09:17

Ime you really need to just tell men how it is - you can show him the stats from fertility friends website and say to him that these show 90 % all pg result from sex on the day of ov, day after and the day after that. Having sex on each of those days and ideally more than once massively ups your chances. I got duo fertility which is a tiny temperature patch that charts your ov for you. There is a paper in a scientific journal that says it’s as effective as a cycle of ivf. I got pg twice using this - the days you need to try are highlighted green after it learns your cycles. Men seem to like it as it’s very very clear and prescriptive. I think sitting him down , saying you want to buy this and why is what I would do next if you can afford it. Pricey which is annoying but it works ime

Onceuponatimethen · 11/04/2018 09:25

Then that discussion should flush out anything else that needs to be discussed!

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