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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

DH does not like my approach to TTC!

41 replies

everythingatonce · 22/03/2018 11:49

When you decided to TTC did you discuss whether you would just stop using conception and go with the flow, or whether you would plan?

I am very much on the planning side. I've been off the pill a few months and have been trying to get to know my cycles with apps, by becoming aware of CM and by using opks just to see if the apps are accurately predicting ovaluation.

My DH and I have had a bit of an arguement about it. He says he doesn't want the planning, doesn't want sex to be scheduled and doesn't want to feel like I'm using him. In his opinion 'trying' means not using contraception and seeing what happens. I absolutely do not want to use him or make him feel like he's being used, but we typically only have sex once a week normally so I really don't think this method is going to work.

This seems to have put a divide between us and we haven't even started properly trying yet. Help! How did you approach this when you decided to TTC?

OP posts:

PrettyWisdomous · 22/03/2018 12:02

Can't you just relax a bit for a few months and if nothing happens within, say, 6 months, then start to actively try? How old are you? Do you have time on your side?

PinkHeart5914 · 22/03/2018 12:03

We decided to just stop using condoms and that was that. I don’t see the need to plan, use ovulation sticks etc from the start of ttc. As long as you are having regular sex if it’s going to happen it will.

JustHereForThePooStories · 22/03/2018 12:05

I took your approach.

Nearly ruined our marriage.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 22/03/2018 12:05

Yabu to expect your dh to perform to order. Imo it will take you longer to conceive. He will invent headaches and such like to avoid the pressure.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 22/03/2018 12:05

You’ll probably find that once you’re not on hormonal contraception anymore your body will instinctively want to have more sex when you’re at your most fertile. I imagine the pressure of having sex for the sole purpose of impregnating you will be a bit of a turn off for your H and then once the morning sickness and sore boobs kick in he won’t be getting it for a while! Try to just enjoy being a couple, romancing each other, sex for the sake of it etc and then if you need to start with the ovulation sticks and temperature taking at a later point by all means do.

Are you sure he is ready for a baby or has this come more from your desire for a family than his?

BoredOnMatLeave · 22/03/2018 12:07

No planning here either. Just came off the pill and had sex every other day. I would do that for 6 months if you have time on your side (I was pregnant in the first cycle using this way)

I would go with his way but have more sex

Wolfiefan · 22/03/2018 12:08

Women have been having babies for many centuries without the use of apps. Plural?!
With my first I stopped taking the pill and ensured I was eating well, not drinking too much alcohol and took vitamins.
With my second I sometimes remembered to use ovulation sticks. Not sure it made any difference.
You may need to change your approach a bit. Eg thinking you can plan the exact birth you want. Having kids is a bit like jumping into the unknown.

BubbleAndSquark · 22/03/2018 12:09

It sounds like he wants it to stay natural rather than the pressure of feeling he has to preform to a rota. Why not try to work out your ovulation times, but don't keep DP updated on it, maybe mention ' I should be ovulating in a few days' at a different point of the day then when you initiate sex don't bring up ovulation times etc.

sportyfool · 22/03/2018 12:11

Just find out when you are ovulating and have sex then , no need to tell him .

Ijustwantabloodyusername · 22/03/2018 12:11

When DH and I started TTC, I then checked when I was ovulating and we would have sex more often, but it wasn't planned as such.

Could you try something like that? as it may take some pressure off that you will inevitably start to feel.

Tortycat · 22/03/2018 12:13

It's tricky - this happened to us too and it was really stressful. I think ideally you would just stop using contraception and get lucky but we were quite old (37 and 40) when we started ttc so didnt have the luxury of time. I would prepare all month by temping, using opks etc then he wouldnt want sex at the 'right' times, which would drive me mad but i understand in hindsight.

I would advise you track your cycle so you know roughly the right time to ttc, but keep quiet to him and just initiate sex at the right times (as well as a few random times so its not blindingly obvious!). Maybe agree to give it 6 months and if no luck then reconsider. Ime it does suck the joy out of sex. Good luck!

Celebelly · 22/03/2018 12:13

I'd just track and not tell him. But if you're only having sex once a week, it might be worth him learning a bit more about the process. While it's entirely possible to conceive while having sex once a week, it will most likely take a lot longer. Maybe you can agree not to track if he agrees that you can have sex 3-4 times a week!

alltalknobaby · 22/03/2018 12:17

This exact scenario happened here too. I just tracked but didn't tell him and seduced him at the correct times. And other times too! Good luck!

MysweetAudrina · 22/03/2018 12:18

Just relax and have sex for the next six months. You can't control everything especially when it comes to child related issues. I got pregnant loads of times through just having sex once a week.

Theclockstruck2 · 22/03/2018 12:22

I took your approach but I didn’t tell my husband! Kept all my ovulation sticks etc quiet

physicskate · 22/03/2018 12:31

Sex once a week could mean it takes quite awhile for you to conceive. I'd try to compromise - no tracking if he's willing to up the sex to twice or three times a week.

I track like a banshee, and dh asks what's going on even though I know he feels the pressure, but we're now over the two years of ttc mark...

MagicFajita · 22/03/2018 12:37

I agree with your dh , if you do happen to suspect that ovulation is imminent I'd advise you to not tell him and just initiate sex.

Of course if investigation into fertility is required then that may change your approach.

Staying relaxed is key though imo.

Original poster

everythingatonce · 22/03/2018 12:43

I know I'm being a huge control freak and need to try to chill!

We do have time on our side. I'm about to turn 30 and dh is 33. But I've had a whole bunch of health problems the past few years inc endometriosis and I guess I'm just worried.

Dh said he didn't really want kids when we first got together and I didn't push it at all. I came off the pill to help with some of the health issues as I was taking so much medication and wanted to try and get healthy. We then had a month where I was sure I was preggo. I thought dh would be terrified but he was actually really excited. I was like great! I can actually start thinking about this now (rather than burying the idea) and have become a bit too enthusiastic about TTC!

Have been using an app to try to track the cycles as they weren't regular. Don't worry about the apps (plural lol) this was just because a friend recommended a different one to the one I was using so tried to compare them. I will only use one to try to track the cycles!

I shouldn't have let dh know what I was doing because is gone from me being excited and planning to us having an arguement about me being a control freak! I know I need to relax but since having operations and investigations for a whole bunch of different things I feel like it's going to take time.

OP posts:

Celebelly · 22/03/2018 12:47

Eh, I'm a planner. Just 'relaxing' would make me feel more anxious and out of control, so I like to know what's going on and that we're maximising our chances each month. The 'just relax' approach might work for some, and might not work for others. The key is to find a compromise or a way that you can indulge that planning/control side of yourself without it affecting your DH negatively.

SeaToSki · 22/03/2018 12:53

Do your planning thing, just dont include him in that. Then have lots of sex, tell him you want to do it every day for a month. If he complains about feeling used and exhausted about too much sex, suggest using an app to figure out the best times and then you can cut back on the sex frquency to something more inline with what you both feel up for!

Scrumptiousbears · 22/03/2018 13:00

I had fertility problems but ultimately the consultant just said try and have sex every other day. No plotting no apps just every other day.

Original poster

everythingatonce · 22/03/2018 13:04

@SeaToSki I like that idea! I think he may be rather suspicious about why I'm so keen though!...

With all the health issues our sex life has taken a dive and he's given up on initiating. I don't really know how to go about increasing the quantity now without him feeling like I'm using him!! Feel like I'm now stuck between wanting to improve our sex life anyway and him now thinking I'm just using him for a baby!! We might have to use contraception for a few months until we can build up the quantity and relax a bit.

Wish I hadn't enthusiastically dived into this TTC business!

OP posts:

BoredOnMatLeave · 22/03/2018 13:14

Sorry OP I don't understand from you update at 12.43, does he definitely want to TTC? Have you had the full conversation? I think there's a difference between being excited about a pregnancy that wasn't planned and wanting to TTC but your post doesn't say. Obviously if he is reluctant then all the tracking would freak him out.

TrickyKid · 22/03/2018 13:18

We just stopped using contraception. I got pregnant straight away with both pregnancies there was no planning needed.
I guess if you're not pregnant after 6 months you could look at cycles etc.

SeaToSki · 22/03/2018 13:20

Have a chat and say you would like to use the ttc to revitalise your sex life, what does he think? Then go and buy some sexy undies and whipped cream and some other silly things. Maybe organize it so he is meant to initiate one night and you the next. Start off with you initiating and blow his mind with your new gear and he might get quite enthusiatic for the next night!

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