DH does not like my approach to TTC!

[everythingatonce]

When you decided to TTC did you discuss whether you would just stop using conception and go with the flow, or whether you would plan?

I am very much on the planning side. I've been off the pill a few months and have been trying to get to know my cycles with apps, by becoming aware of CM and by using opks just to see if the apps are accurately predicting ovaluation.

My DH and I have had a bit of an arguement about it. He says he doesn't want the planning, doesn't want sex to be scheduled and doesn't want to feel like I'm using him. In his opinion 'trying' means not using contraception and seeing what happens. I absolutely do not want to use him or make him feel like he's being used, but we typically only have sex once a week normally so I really don't think this method is going to work.

This seems to have put a divide between us and we haven't even started properly trying yet. Help! How did you approach this when you decided to TTC?

He wants to try. It was his suggestion. He said he used to be scared of the idea but after the 'scare' he became excited and said this is something he wants. This is fully led by him.

I see where he is coming from and he wants to enjoy the process. I know that's the best way to go and I so wish I could chill enough to be the same! I got so excited by him initiating this that I've become too enthusiastic as it's dividing us.

Just track and don't tell him.

Dh and I went with having sex every day (as much as possible, some days you are just knackered!). Agreed to do that for three months then start tracking etc. Luckily we conceived after two cycles so didn't need to get to stage 2.

It did feel like sex was an obligation which really wasn't a turn on for either of us. I understand your dh's point of view as well as yours. Can you go for a three month period of just lots of shagging and agree to increasing the tracking and planning if no joy by the end of that time? With your health problems I would be reluctant to agree to six months of the 'fingers crossed' approach.

Things never seem to work the way you plan anyway op.

We decided to ttc in the February, I know when I ovulate (can feel it) and we had sex that night. I had a bfp 9 days later and it was twins.

I was shocked and still am. I fully expected it to take around 6 months.

Thanks all. I will definitely try to talk to him to explain my worries and then try my best to relax!! I'll try to spend a few months just trying to initiate more and improve our sex life before I start concentrating on the tracking.

Might have to stop looking at the app and Mumsnet. Too addictive!

@neversleepagain congratulations! That's great news.

You're right and I'm probably just stressing myself out worrying about 'what ifs' and how long it might take. I know I need to relax and wait and see how it goes..

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with tracking as long as you’re not pushing that pressure on to him. I was always vaguely aware of where I was in my cycle way before we started ttc, just because I am generally aware of my cycle length etc.

I’m a planner, you can’t really plan this though. It happens when it happens. I think the best approach is for you to track your cycles on your own. Also sex doesn’t have to be military and regimented. I mean, there’s a better chance of conception that way as there’s no waiting about and potentially missing fertile days but it can still be spontaneous and enjoyable.

I put a little star on the fridge calendar on the days we need to have sex so my OH knows but I’m not hounding him. And that way, he can initiate it too so he feels more like he’s in control and having sex because he wants to (although he knows that we need to as well lol)

Getting pregnant can be a long road and you’ll need to try and come up with a compromise. Not every man is happy to “perform” when asked, I don’t blame them because I’m certainly not either lol. If you know when your fertile week is and are starting to get positives on your opks (if you’re doing them) just keep it to yourself and initiate sex. Don’t demand it or anything, contrary to popular belief, men aren’t always up for it and sometimes need a little romance or extra effort to get in the mood. It’s still early days yet, you’ll figure it out along the way

everythingatonce I should have added that this was 6 years ago!

I used an app and just told dh when we needed to go at it and then we'd do the deed extra over those days. He wasn't bothered and I made sure we kept up our sex life in the weeks in between too so he didn't feel used.

My partner gets stressed about it too so now I don't tell him when I'm ovulating. You can track and do ovulation tests but do it on the sly! Definitely a good idea to nip the stress/arguments in the bud as if he gets stressed about it he could have performance issues and you do not want that!

I was diagnosed as basically infertile. Was told less than 3% chance of ever conceiving naturally. Gave up ttc. 12 months later we dtd on cd 9 and bam all of a sudden I’m one of those annoying women who got pregnant without trying. This was after 6 years of checking cycles, opks, temping then on to blood tests and scans followed by clomid etc.

Your so new to ttc (sorry not been mean) your dp has a point just try to enjoy it and see what happens. Ttc can be a long and difficult road if I were you I’d do it his easy way for the first 12 months and then if no joy you move on to your way.
Lots of luck and hope you get your bfp very soon

Thanks all this has really helped. I've also spoken with dh about how stressed I'm getting about it already and he was really great. I will be stepping away from the app and opk's and trying my best to go with the flow!

I didn't really know about testing strips for ovulation and monitoring temperature etc when ttc until I joined here! I worked out when my last period was, when I thought I'd roughly be ovulating and went from there. I think you can put a lot of pressure on yourselves and make it in to a chore. Good luck!

To take a slightly different view from the majority, for ttc the first time I went straight in with the apps and had a go with the ov sticks, as I had concerns about my fertility (which luckily turned out to be unfounded). We also are generally a once a week or so couple.

But then DH was happy to take a more 'targeted' approach (I had been concerned the pressure would be too much) especially when it paid off in the first month. Then for pg2 he was happy to take the same approach as it had worked for us before.

I'm totally with you @everythingatonce
We've been ttc for well over a year now. With one mmc.
I'm a planner and OH is really chilled. If I left it up to him to make moves we'd probably have sex twice a month outside of FW.
We did do a few months on just sex, no tracking which was fun but our work life is manic and sometimes we're tired. But both of us really want a baby and so i started tracking and opks and bbt and all of that bat shit crazy stuff. But I introduced it all slowly. I did a few months of hiding it. then I tried SMEP which Finally got us our bfp. We miscarried 8 weeks later and since then I've been really open about it. But my OH sees how much I'm hurting and is almost pleased that I can focus on something! Haha. However 4 months since the mc I'm now mega stressing so we're DTD every day for 10days then we're both gonna collapse in a pile exhausted!! Haha good luck on your journey. But I totally get the planning side!

I also read a book called taking charge of your fertility by Toni weschler. You'll learn a lot!!