Husband's low sex drive

[Upsetandmaybeunreasonable]

I feel terrible.

I'm due to today, my husband has gone to work and I'm going away this afternoon until Monday.

We decided in November/December to start trying for a baby.

We do have a lot going on in our lives at the moment, but I'm getting really frustrated, as my husband just isn't very interested in sex. This isn't an issue that's only come about since we decided to start trying, it's been ongoing and I have no concerns about other women etc, it mainly comes from a lack of confidence which is something I've been trying really hard with him to work on.

When we decided to start trying I told him that if we're serious it does mean that he'll need to be up for it more often if we're to have a chance and he agreed and said he absolutely would be.

Here we are, the 4th/5th month of "trying" (at least one of those months we didn't have sex at all) and we only had sex once, on Wednesday night.

This morning, so our last chance this month, I told him I knew he'd let me down. I feel terrible for saying it and I know I've only made things worse but I'm just so so frustrated. We both really want a baby, he's been pushing for it for a while before I was ready (Im definitely on board now he hasn't pushed me in to it). I'm just struggling to get my head around why he wouldn't make the effort for something he wants so much.

I feel like I've got the normal hurt of feeling like he doesn't want me, coupled with this helpless, crippling sadness that it's likely another month will pass by without getting pregnant. I know there is a chance so will hold out hope.

I've reasoned with him, had really good conversations about it where it feels like we're getting somewhere, cried, shouted and now i know I've hurt him but I just don't know what to do. I feel like he'd benefit from me backing off and just not talking about it so there's no pressure but I'm genuinely afraid that if i do that, we just would never have sex again.

Has anyone else been in a similar position and can offer any advice? I'm so low about it.

Due to ovulate today! Should have proof read 🙄

Have you considered couples counselling?

Maybe it would help him open up and that would help to build his confidence.

Feel for you - obviously the more you do it the more chance their is of conception and less chance of missing the right time.

Thanks for replying. I'm seeing a counsellor myself at the moment and asked him if he thought we would benefit from going together and he outright refused. I just feel like he isn't trying.

Snap, DH is on medication that affects his libido and also causes erectile problems. I really understand how frustrating it is. If I didn't give a lot of encouragement we wouldn't dtd at all I fw. If I push too hard he gets anxious about it and it makes the erectile problems worse. We probably manage once or twice per fw. I am using opks so I can try to ensure We hit the right days but can't let him know when they are or performance anxiety kicks in. We have been ttc for 2 years now and just been referred to a fertility clinic DH seems almost relieved at the idea of IVF like he is keen to have the responsibility taken over by someone else. Like you he was the one pushing for kids for years before I was ready and gets disappointed when I'm not pregnant.

We had some couples therapy to deal with his medical diagnosis and although we didn't discuss ttc/bedroom issues specifically it did improve the erectile problems. I think because the communication and closeness of our relationship improved as a result. So they were at least in part psychological but they also coincide with his medication starting and stopping and changing in dose. He also revealed that he is terrified that I will develop PND and kill myself and it would be his fault for getting me pregnant. So we have talked about that and how we would deal with it if I do get PND etc.

He's in the process of medication changes at the moment which are helping with the libido but less so with the erectile problems.

Not got any answers for you but understand the frustration.

I suspect that me pushing it, getting upset etc makes it worse because it increases the pressure on him but I don't want to stop because I feel that then we'd definitely get nowhere at all. I want to strike a balance but I don't know what that is.

Sorry to hear you're struggling too @pinkdonkey. Hope the medication change makes a difference and you get your baby soon x

OP, if you want a baby, you need to make a decision about whether your DH is the one to father them.

Your DHs lack of interest in sex isn’t going to go away overnight so you need to realize that in effect even if you do have a baby with him, you may never have sex with him ever again after that.

Are you willing to have a sexless marriage? Especially when you will have to be involved with him if you do actually have a child together?
You already feel rejected after a few months of ttcing- think about how rejected you’ll feel as the sexless years roll by.

I’d get ovulation sticks, and lay it out to him how your body works and that he has to do the deed on this day and this day, or you’ll go to a fertility clinic and have donor sperm IUI / go out on the tiles and shag Boris Becker! There’s no arguing with the ovulation sticks.

But to be honest with you, I think your marriage is doomed, there’s no balance there, it’s all about his way, not yours, with no dialogue, and I’d advise you to look elsewhere for a man who loves you and wants what you want!

This getting pregnant situation has just highlighted that your situation is unsustainable and that he’s has problems that you can’t fix. I think you deserve better in your life than feeling rejected and second guessing someone who’s not engaged at all with you.

Use this time with your counselor to really find out what you want and put plans in place to achieve those goals.

You deserve every happiness and I think by concentrating on what you want for yourself for a happy and fufilled life will clarify the situation.

We had some similar issues when TTC and yes, the pressure does make things worse.

If there are no fertility issues it might better if he can "produce a sample" that you can then put in a mooncup or similar to get it where it needs to be! Not exactly the most romantic conception but I know plenty of people who have done this (there are no secrets in fertility forums 😂)

We also ended up having IVF in the end (because of issues with my fertility though, not DHs) but I do think it took pressure off DH and that even if I had been fertile we would have struggled if we had to manage naturally.

It is frustrating, sorry OP :(

letsgo I think that's a bit harsh. Sex is only a small aspect of a relationship it's just really really vital when ttc! Normally DH and I are quite well matched sexually it's just ttc that puts pressure on to do it more often than we otherwise might. If this has only become an issue for OP since starting ttc then she may be in a similar position.

Wow @letsgobitches you've jumped to a lot of conclusions there!!

I'll answer your points in order:

Yes I have absolutely no doubt that I want him to be the father of my children, he is a wonderful man.

I don't believe for a second that we would never have sex again after having a baby.

I believe ovulation sticks etc will only increase the pressure as will demanding sex on specific days - that really isn't his only purpose in life.

As much as I deserve happiness, he deserves for me to stick by him as he has by me.

I'll now address the main big assumption that you've made. It isn't the case that he's never had an interest in sex, nor is it the case that his needs are consistently put in front of mine. I cannot tell you the lengths he has gone to in our lives to put what I want first. It's as a result of making some huge changes to allow us to live the life that I want, that for the last 18 months or so our lives have been a totally upside down, there's so much going on, and whilst his confidence issues have always been there, it's this period of change that's caused the issue to be as bad as it is now, and it's not something that either of is envisage will be forever.

As much as i don't agree with your response, thank you for giving it. How it made me quickly come to his defence answered the question in my own head - perhaps it's just not the right time to be trying and I'm being too hard on us, him especially.

Thanks for advice @bojangles, didn't know it was possible with a mooncup 😂 will give it consideration if no improvement, and will perhaps start reading the fertility forums for some top tips!

Do you know why he has a low sex drive? Is it just confidence or something else as well? Maybe there is something else going on he doesn't want to talk about?

I feel like lack of confidence wouldn't completely stop him from wanting sex. You need to tell him about your needs and how it's making you feel and maybe don't stop ttc but stop the pressure of it. No more opks, etc. If he doesn't change anything then maybe he needs to talk to someone because burying the issue isn't going to help anyone.

I actually just giggled to myself at LetsGo's comment. Only on MN would someone post something so over the top and ridiculous!

It might be worth suggesting you have a few months break from ttc OP? That's obviously not what either of you want but it might take the pressure off your DH and they if you (secretly) tried to encourage sex around when you know you ov you never know

@Merrz I know right. It's dangerous really because there are people on here so desperate for advice that they could take something like that as gospel without applying any perspective. The only thing I've shared with my husband is when I'm due to ovulate so I think I'll stop mentioning it full stop and if it happens it happens. I'm only 29, we've got time.

@taylor there's a few things in the background that I mentioned in a previous post. In the last 18 months we've moved 200 miles away from where we were living, moved again, he's started a new job, a whole new career actually learning from scratch with a 50% drop in his wages, we've (he's) been doing a lot of work to the new house, he's supported me through really hating my new job and being off work with anxiety, his father has had a stroke, his uncle has passed away.... just a huge huge amount going on. We're so excited about being settled in our new house that perhaps we've decided too soon to start trying for a baby, problem is that now we've made that decision I am all consumed by it, must pull myself together!

I ll b honest with you op i wouldnt stop ttc if i were you i tried waiting for the so called perfect moment to start ttc and let me tell u theres no such thing lifes too short. I thought id stop using contraception and bam it would happen, at our age your better finding out if theres any problems and try to fix them sooner rather than later. As for letsgobitches comment im glad im not your partner what an unsympathetic selfish woman, clearly the ops partner has anxiety and possibly depression the guy needs support not threats. Keep ttc but dnt mention anything about cycles etc to put pressure on him. But i would suggest being more firm about him going to councelling, ttc aside he sounds like he needs it poor guy.

Stress and tiredness are definitely mood killers. How about staying off contraceptives but trying the more relaxed not trying but not preventing route for a few months to take the pressure off. We did this at DHs request as he thought I was getting obsessive and it was stressing him. Hasn't worked for us but then neither has planning it to the nth degree which we are back to again now.

We had this problem. I had to explain to the husband that if he wanted to have a kid, we had to have more sex.

Yes, it was a lot of pressure, but it was only fair. I'd been struggling for months dealing with it on my own and keeping the opks and temping away from him.

Once he'd embraced the rather mechanical aspect of it, it got a lot better. I won't say we enjoyed it, but it was less awful.

I agree with @thisisouryrfx18 we tend to manage once or twice during fw and when I first joined mn I thought everyone was at it like rabbits 😂 anyway we don't have a massive sex drive but try to do it on key dates and we've never managed to do sperm meets egg plan.

Its not easy ttcing lets face it. One time I love to dtd is Sunday mornings if you can stomach his bad breath 😂 it's nice because you're not tired but relaxed

From my experience my partner got stressed about performing under pressure so now I do the ovulation testing in private so he has no idea about it. I totally understand how frustrating it can be but the worst thing you can do is have a go at him about it as he will just get more stressed and the problem will get worse. I would try to talk to him and make him feel relaxed about it. It’ll happen when it happens! You can instigate sex when it’s the right time of the month and just aim for sex once within a couple of days of ovulation as this should still give you a good chance. Just don’t make it obvious it’s ovulation time!

Excellent advice ladies thank you xx

I have a similar problem. I love my husband dearly and our sex life was never an issue. It happened when it happened and months could go by. However, now we are trying to conceive it suddenly seems like such a BIG thing. We missed my FW last month because he works shifts and their was one day (day before ov) but we both got so worked up that it didn't happen. Now I feel like there is more pressure on this month. It doesn't help that I'm comfort eating and have gained weight (2 stone in 3 months!) so my confidence is too low to try and seduce him!

I've looked at going private using partners sperm for IUI. There is so much more to our marriage then sex, but it just feels so awkward at the moment.

Sorry to hear that @hippy, fingers crossed for you. There's some good advice on here! I'm going to take the pressure right off xx

Is there any way you can take sex back from just dtd and more towards being intimate again? Less 'we are ttc' and more 'I miss you' if that makes sense? Maybe share a bath or a shower together, have a glass of wine and just chat. You sound like you've been through a lot together which is worth an awful lot. Good luck OP x

I had this issue too, we both have low libidos and it was not at all an issue until we wanted to make a baby! Didn’t help I wanted it more, too. We had lots of talks about it and promised to do it more but it didn’t really happen. After a few months of managing it once in FW with no joy, & him complaining about feeling under pressure, I tried jumping him earlier in evening instead of waiting until bedtime & being too knackered, twice within a couple of days and it worked! So my advice is try being more ‘spontaneous’ even if it’s anutging but, really 😂

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