How do you move on after miscarriage?

[Kate8989]

Hey everyone,

I’m sat here in floods of tears wondering how and when I’ll ever start to feel me again. I had a miscarriage in the early hours of Thursday morning.
I’ve been positive about the whole situation thinking well I fell pregnant month 2 of trying so that’s a good sign. But now I’m sat here thinking I should be thinking about baby names, babies room. But I’m starting the year of feeling empty and deprived.
I keep reading negative things on the internet as well about conceiving after a miscarriage.
If anyone has a positive story, I could really do with a hand hold right now.
Thank you
Katie x

Hi Katie.
I’ve been there. It’s awful. I did go on to have my DS. So sorry for your loss. Treat yourself kindly. Comforting food, a warm bath, etc.

It’s an incredibly difficult and emotional time. And you can never truly understand the depths of despair you feel until you’ve been through it.

I mc at 13 weeks pregnant having no idea that things were not going according to plan. We had fallen first month an I thought we will be pregnant again easily. How hard can it be. Unfortunately I naively misunderstood the grief and despair I would feel. An it took my hormones and my general well being a while to right itself again. It was a very dark and lonely period for a while.

Low and behold though after becoming very frustrated at not falling pregnant as quick again as I did before, I did fall again after 6 months of ttc. And am now 36 weeks pregnant expecting my bundle of joy any time soon.

I promise you, the sadness and despair does fade once you see them two positive lines again 💕 until then be kind to yourself.

Man, I’m so sorry. Miscarriage is rough as fuck and it completely baked my head for quite some time.

Here’s my story:
Conceived month 2 with DD. Great pg, good delivery
When she was 4mo I got pregnant again - half accidentally. That baby was very much wanted and I lost it at 11w. Ended in a surgical procedure. It was so so so so so painful - physically and emotionally - and it knocked me for six. I had to stay in bed for days as I was so physically buggered. The guilt I had about not being there for my then 6 month DD was awful.

BUTTTTT

DH and I talked lots about it. I also had counselling. That allowed me and us to heal. We left it a couple of months before TTC and it didn’t work out quickly for us. But it worked out. DS is now 12weeks old and is snoring like a warthog in his cot as we speak.

Tips:
Please please be good to yourself. Sleep well, eat well, do what makes you happy, from meeting chums for a drink to going for a run.
Talk to people. Nobody knew what to say to me. Most folk were just really nice and sympathetic.
Talk to your DH/DP. He’s hurting too.
Don’t obsess about getting pg again too fast. Preserve the intimacy by cuddling and hugging and kissing DP loads.
If you must cycle watch don’t water your time with cheapie OPKs. Use clear blue digital smiley indicator ones and read the instructions.

My pregnancy ended at 11w but that was 11w of excited chatter about names, if it’ll be a boy or girl, if it’ll have my hair colour (GINGE) or DHs. When that was whipped away from us it hurt so bad. Even with one DC already.

As I mentioned we have DS now. He’s ace but it doesn’t “cancel” the pain of losing his older sibling (who we had nicknamed “Edam”). I think about our lost baby a lot but it doesn’t affect how i interact with DS or DD. It’s just sad.

I send you big hugs and love x

Thank you for all your responses.

It’s encouraging to hear many of you have gone on to have successful pregnancies.

I’m a great believer in talking therapy, so I took myself off to the doctors today to get the ball rolling with some counselling- I was very lucky and saw a lovely, understanding Doctor.

I have an appointment at the EPU tomorrow, I’m hoping once that’s out the way it will give me some closure at least. x

So sorry, it is so devastating.

I had a mmc in May 2016. I was 40, recently married and we were so happy. It only took us 2 months as well and it was wonderful. The miscarriage absolutely floored me. I lost part of myself and really wasn't sure how I was going to function. I had counselling through cruse and that really helped.
I had to have a month off work (I work with children), just to rest and remember and to start to heal. I miscarried at home, which was actually good for me, as I felt close to my baby, that sounds odd, but it was time for us.

We started trying again straight away, mainly because of our ages, and were lucky. I fell pregnant again in July 2016 and in April last year, our beautiful daughter was born.
Nothing will heal the hole in my heart that is our baby bean, but I feel very blessed to have our dd. She is the absolute light of my life and I appreciate her even more.

As a pp said, take care of yourself. Take care of each other. It's a very difficult time, and you will feel a lot of emotions. I was 20 weeks pregnant with our dd when it would have been baby bean's due date. That was a confusing day and I ended up blacking out through anxiety. It hits you from nowhere sometimes.

I hope it all works out for you.

Sorry for your loss OP

I had a mc in November at 7 weeks. We'd been trying 20 months, it was our first bfp. I was and still am devastated about it. Two months on we've haven't conceived again yet, I have my fingers crossed it will happen again soon, but can't get my hopes up too much as it could take us 2 years again. At 36 I feel I'm running out of time though.

Take lots of time for yourself and talk when you feel you can to whoever feels right. I have talked about it a little with one person other than DH, but still feel reluctant to talk to others. Let yourself cry whenever you need. Sending you big hugs x

Very sorry to hear of your loss. Whilst I can't peronally imagine how you must feel, wanted to tell you I have 3 friends who miscarried at various stages if pregnancy and went on to conceive and give birth within a year. So please don't despair. Look after yourself, January is a horrible month as the best of times, without something as sad as you have been through xxx

Thanks guys!

I had an awful experience at EPU this morning. Lady doing scan didn’t read my notes, excitedly came over to me before the scan saying “So how many weeks are we now”? When I said I’d miscarried she looked bewildered like how can you possibly know for sure. Within ten minutes she’d given a glimmer of hope then taken it away.
This experience is hard enough as it is, I don’t feel enough compassion has been given. That’s not a dig at the NHS staff as I know they work bloody hard and don’t get much for it. But it’s hard to remind yourself of that when going through some thing as difficult as a miscarriage!!! X

I've had 2 mc in less than 5 months really traumatic. But want more children i can only try go to gp etc for tests. You can't get rid of that scared feeling but you have to get back on the horse so to speak x

I’m definitely optimistic about trying again. I just don’t think I could go through another miscarriage, I’m traumatised by the experience but hopeful I can and will concieve again x

Sorry about your lost all you are feeling is a completely normal reaction to MC.
I had two and was devastated by both especially as time was getting on for me.
Even though it was early days in your pregnancy you are grieving for the loss of your baby and all that would mean for you, your partner, extended families and friends etc.
Give yourself time to cry and wallow and feel sad and lean on good friends if you can.
I gave my self a time limit that I would allow myself to upset until x date then I would pick myself up dust myself off and try to resume normal life.
Give yourself a decent gap to heal mentally and physically before trying again. I felt rubbish after the second one physically. I went on a major healthy eating campaign.
I never believed I would ever have kids after taking ages to get pregnant and then having two miscarriages. I eventually went on to have two normal healthy children in quick succession in my very late 30’s.
I had some tests and my thyroid was low so I was put on thyroxine which helped. As this can lead to miscarriage.

Sorry op it’s so horrible. I had a similar exp with what would have been 12 week scan, sent me to wrong waiting area with all the happy preggers people whilst I was in floods of tears. Had to wait for bloody ages before anyone realised! The miscarriage association forums helped me. I have a dd now. You will very likely carry a baby full term. More women I know have had them than not.

I know I will, I think I jumped in too quick after coming off the pill. I know there isn’t any scientific evidence to suggest you can’t try straight away but it’s been a bugger working out dates. I really want to get trying again but DH wants to wait 2 months

I think he’s right a little bit of time to heal your body and mind certainly won’t do any harm.

I know he’s always right 🙈. I’ve also been told by the lady I saw today to buy some folic acid and wait til I’ve had one period. I think I’d find this process so much easier if I knew why we miscarried. X

When I miscarried the lovely midwife explained that it was nothing I had done. It was not my fault, it was biology. It was ok to feel angry and robbed, just not to feel angry at yourself. Have compassion for yourself. No guilt, no recriminations.

She said that we could start trying again whenever we wanted, once the bleeding had stopped. Waiting until you've had a period was purely for dating purposes, and they'd go by scan dates, anyway.

I remember that dh grieved, too. Some people thought that was weird, but his dreams and hopes were also smashed. While we dealt with it in our own, different ways, it was good recognise each other's sadness and to comfort each other.

(((Hugs)))

Forgot to say that I conceived again 3m later. I felt very nervous until I passed the point at which I had previously miscarried. Nonsense, really, but that's how I felt. Which is OK. Went on to have my lovely dc3.

I know that’s true, the numerous doctors I’ve seen over the past week have said it’s just one of those unfortunate things that happen.
Have you both started trying again? X

I lost twins in May this year. Was extremely traumatic and just a hideous time. I cried litres of tears and needed an operation to help get the babies out.

Things that helped:

• mumsnet miscarriage support thread on conception pages

-crying and talking -meditation -reading the book by izzy judd on her fertility journey -I hired a personal trainer and distracted myself with exercise -making a memory box (filled with positive tests, scans and a letter to my babies

I still have bad days. I'll never forget their anniversary or due date that would have been.

I got pregnant 2 months after my operation (first cycle) and it's twins again. That has been the biggest thing that helped me, getting back to trying and finally getting that positive test again. Currently 27 weeks and nervous each day. I'll be honest, I think of my lost twins often and I probably always will do. But it does get better. And it will get easier for you I promise.

I am so sorry x I had a miscarriage over 4 years ago - found out at 10weeks that it had stopped at 6weeks. It can still floor me now. I got pregnant with my lovely DD very quickly after. Had one period in between and for me it was too soon. I was desperate to try again but I think my head and body needed more time - for hormones and emotions to settle. I had my gorgeous, funny DD but I had a very hard first year full of confusion and guilt. I had some counselling later on. I found many people didn't (still don't) know how to talk to me about it and I felt very lonely. Even though it is relatively common.

At this point, I think there is very little difference in your chances of getting pg again. Do be kind to yourself now though and let yourself grieve xxx there is no right or wrong on what happens next. Take care x

I’m really getting the urge to want to try again ASAP. But DH thinks we should wait a couple of months. Do what we can to help things along, monitor our lifestyles a bit closer and I’ve also started take folic acid today from Doctors advice
I just don’t know how I feel, we got pregnant literally second try after me coming off the pill. So part of me is elated we can concieve, but the other part is like why didn’t it work out?! My head is full of question marks at the moment x

Hi Kate, glad I found you on here (I commented on your OPK thread) sorry to hear you've had such a shitty time the last week.

I had a miscarriage in November and was initially adamant that I would wait a few months before trying again. However, the closer I got to ovulation the less I wanted to wait, so had one bash at it the day of +OPK. We were very lucky and I got a positive HPT just after Christmas.

What is most important to remember is that it was absolutely nothing you did that caused you to miscarry. It won't have been because you were recently off the pill, and highly unlikely to be anything to do with your lifestyle. It will most likely be because your body knew that this baby wouldn't make it to term, something just went a bit wrong along the way. You couldn't have prevented it.

Perhaps sit down with your partner and tell him how you feel about trying again sooner rather than later. The way I looked at it was that I wouldn't be any less terrified if I got pregnant this month or 6 months down the line. Once you have had a miscarriage the fear stays with you, but you just have to try and trust that your body knows what it's doing. There is literally nothing you can do to prevent it, you just need a little faith.x

Wow that’s amazing- congratulations! How are you focussing your mind this pregnancy? That’s my biggest thing to work on before we conceive again, as I’m a bit of a worrier anyway. I’m surpised at how “well”
I have coped with all this actually. Considering how much I’ve had to get my head around in the past week.
I completely get where DH is coming from, he wants us to just “prep” ourselves a bit before trying again and he is probably right. I definitely need to do some work on my mental health, just waiting to hear about starting some counselling so hopefully that won’t be too long.
Congrats again and thank you for following me. What a journey it’s been so far hey! X

If I'm honest, I'm still not sure I have let myself believe that this is really happening. Still haven't told family, haven't booked in with a midwife yet. I'm mostly just taking it day by day. Every toilet trip is still terrifying! Especially since the amount of CM has increased and feels just like coming on

I'm just putting a lot of faith in my body and trusting that it'll do what is best this time. Each day that passes brings a little bit more hope, and that's all you can really do.

November baby wasn't meant to be, and I like to think that my split second decision to try again the following month was the universe telling me that THIS one was the one that was meant to stick. This one is the one that is going to join our little family.

I have no way of knowing and no control over what happens, so for now I am happy that I am pregnant, and like I say, each day brings a little more hope.

Going to see a dr about mental health and therapy is a really good idea. I can also recommend looking into mindfulness for anxiety, it has helped me loads.

Please keep in touch, as would love to hear how your story evolves.x

I also did a lot of reading about miscarriage, I read about facts and I read other people's stories and experiences (you can find lots online) this really helped me to validate my grief and feelings about my early loss.

I went through phases of feeling silly for feeling so upset about something I had only known about for a week or so, but after lots of reading I came to realise that a loss at any stage is still a loss. You have already imagined hat baby in your life and the loss of 'that' family in your mind is devastating, no matter when it happened.

Take as long as you need to deal with your feelings. They are valid and real, and you shouldn't let anyone tell you otherwise.