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Original poster

I want another. DH doesnt

27 replies

Fishwifey · 25/11/2017 18:32

I’m aching for another baby. We have 3 DC but it’s killing me not having another. All my pregnancies have ended with very premature birth but all DC are healthy.
I’ve recently talked to DH about possibly wanting another and he’s said absolutely not. No chance. I haven’t dared tell him how I’m feeling as I know this wouldn’t change his mind.
Obviously it’s not an option to leave him for someone else who wants children because we already have 3 and I wouldn’t want a baby with anyone but him. I’m a stay at home mom and babies/kids is my life. I can’t imagine not having another but I’m not getting any younger so it’s a now or never scenario
Do I just forget about this?

OP posts:
HeresMeh · 25/11/2017 18:35

You 100% need to have this chat with your husband... he needs to understand how you're feeling and what your thought process is. That way it will surely be easier to jointly make a decision on how best to progress with your future.

If you have mentioned flippantly to him then he may not understand the severity of your feelings.

Xx

Original poster
Fishwifey · 25/11/2017 18:38

Thanks but I know he’s 100% against the idea. Said we wouldn’t have time for another, space, scared they’d be prem too and may not be as lucky as the others

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ZigZagandDustin · 25/11/2017 18:39

I'm afraid it takes two so you'd need his consent. All you can do is try and get that.

Original poster
Fishwifey · 25/11/2017 18:44

And what if I can’t? Do I just have to accept it and move on? I’m worried I’d resent him for it

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Lifeofpies · 25/11/2017 19:20

Sad as it is, i think the feelings of the person who doesn’t want another always trump in these situations. Sorry Fishwifey.

Xfactorstar · 25/11/2017 19:25

I've had a baby a little early and it's scary fish. You've been through that 3 times and been lucky by the sounds of it. I understand why your husband doesn't want anymore as you already have 3 but the aching for another must be hard for you xx

Neonrainbow · 25/11/2017 19:29

Having a prem baby is terrifying. There's a lot to be said for being grateful for your lot. What happens when number 4 starts growing up. Do you then want number 5?

I don't blame anyone for not wanting to have another baby if there's a chance they'd be prem. It puts me off having more. Most stressful thing ive ever gone through. Have you ever talked to your dh about what he found hard about having prem babies or is he supposed to just get on with it?

PatriciaHolm · 25/11/2017 19:30

* Do I just have to accept it and move on?*
Well, ultimately, yes.

Babies/kids can't be your life all your life - they will grow up, and move on. What other interests or hobbies do you have?

Original poster
Fishwifey · 25/11/2017 19:32

We talk about our experiences quite often. They were very positive experiences really. Our youngest wasn’t planned. DH wanted me to abort that pregnancy. He’s extremely close to DC3 though so is obv very happy that I didn’t!

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Needadvicetoleave · 25/11/2017 19:54

Yes, you have to accept it and find a way to move on. Or leave him.

It's kind of a baby or him situation.
If you deliberately got pregnant against his wishes, he may well come to love the baby, but I doubt your relationship would be the same and I he may rent the child, possibly leave you and want nothing to do with it.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 25/11/2017 20:02

Like a PP, I have to ask what happens when no 4 grows up and is no longer a baby? You're desperate for no 5? Making babies and children your life just isn't sustainable. You have to find a way to redefine yourself and let that phase go.

It seems like he is understandably pretty adamant and you've already had one "whoops", so yes, your choices are pretty much find a way to come to terms with being finished with babies, or find someone else to father #4.

DontbeaDickaboutit · 25/11/2017 20:04

You can't always just be a stay at home Mum though....

user2085372673 · 25/11/2017 20:12

As your husband isn’t keen I would focus on reasons not to. Spend some time reading about the effects of overpopulation on the world and the impact on the environment. It makes scary reading. I’m currently pregnant with my third and feeling like I’ve been selfish to the people of the future. Three is plenty of children. It’s natural to think ‘just one more’ as it’s in your biology, but just tell yourself no, and that you aren’t having any more so that you don’t add to the over-population of the world which is a huge threat to your children’s future.

TheCraicDealer · 25/11/2017 20:25

Even if you think your experiences ultimately ended positively, facing premature birth and thinking about the potential negative outcomes (for baby and your partner) as you're going through that is an incredibly stressful scenario. Added to that, your DH would be looking at being the sole earner supporting a wife and four kids. That's another added anxiety/stressor which SAHP's don't always fully understand. You've already pushed your relationship with unplanned baby no.3- I think you really need to try and understand where your DH is coming from here and try to enjoy what you've got, which is a lot.

Original poster
Fishwifey · 25/11/2017 23:09

I am extremely grateful for the children we have. They’re such a blessing.
I feel like my child bearing days are nearly over(I’m almost 37) so maybe a touch of panic is setting in. I’d never have a baby after 40.
For the record, I wouldn’t dream of ‘accidentally’ falling pregnant! I’d only have a baby with DHs say so. Boils my blood when women do that! Ive had friends who have done it and disowned them.
Our youngest was a genuine hiccup but a termination was never an option, in my eyes. I’d never be able to forgive myself

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Original poster
Fishwifey · 25/11/2017 23:10

Sorry, I meant I disowned the friends, not them disowning their babies! Sounded odd when I re-read it!

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Original poster
Fishwifey · 25/11/2017 23:14

DH has a very well paid job so finances aren’t an issue in this case. Yes we’d need to move, get a bigger car. We still have the majority of the baby parephernalia in the attic too

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Ttbb · 25/11/2017 23:14

If you are here hoping that someone will tell you to just stop taking bc/poke holes in your condoms you are not going to get that. You can either talk to him in an attempt to change his mind or just accept it.

Original poster
Fishwifey · 26/11/2017 07:05

Think you must have missed my last comment Ttbb. That’s a disgusting and unforgivable thing to do

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MrsPeel1 · 26/11/2017 07:19

I wonder if you’d consider counselling. It might help to talk through why you feel this need, how you will cope with not fulfilling it and how you move on from here. If you are getting to the point of considering leaving it surely can’t do any harm?

somfycofa · 26/11/2017 08:03

DH and I have 1 DD and he doesn't want anymore. We always said we'd have 2, but he's changed his mind. I'm too old to leave and find a new relationship just to have a baby. I'm devastated, and tempted to just get pregnant anyway...then I have a work with myself and realise that's not the answer. Flowers

Original poster
Fishwifey · 26/11/2017 09:15

It’s hard isn’t it. As I said earlier, I knew people who’ve done that and it didn’t end well for them.

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ClaryFray · 26/11/2017 14:45

Talk. Talk and talk. More talking. Communication is key here.

Leaving is most defiantly an option if you feel that strongly about it. But you need to make a choice you can live with.

SureIusedtobetaller · 26/11/2017 14:55

We were in this situation. Youngest is 17 now and I’m so glad we didn’t have another. We would be really struggling financially with the pressures of Uni now. At some point you have to stop, for whatever reason.

BandhaAid · 26/11/2017 20:22

You MUST talk to him about this. There is no point in saying you know how he feels so you won't bother communicating. Imagine what would happen to relationships if we all said that! I personally believe that couples must be transparent, so there is no resentment or confusion. You should tell him exactly what you told us and don't be flippant about it. Once he realises how you feel hopefully he can understand where you're coming from. It's vital that you also ubderstand his feelings and why he doesn't want another baby. You presume you know the reasons why but you may be wrong.

In the meantime, find other things to focus on - you're not too old to start a new career or do a course. You are a mother first and foremost but you are more than just a mother.