Choose TTC or new job? Could really do with advice :(

[webster144]

Hi everyone,

I’ve post quite a few times on here my journey, I found out I was pregnant in September and had a miscarriage at 5 weeks shortly after. At first we decided not to try again and instead I threw myself into my current job and applied for a new position that I really wanted...

Since my first period since the miscarriage I haven’t managed to shake this sad lonely feeling and the longing to be pregnant again, it’s been all I’ve thought about and my partner has admitted he would love for us to try again and I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t tried to forget about it...

I’ve now been offered this position starting in January which is a great opportunity, but with that would mean falling pregnant is off the cards as it’s a new position and I wouldn’t want to let down this person (who runs their own company and it is very small) and I wouldn’t be entitled to any sort of leave pay if I did fall pregnant again so soon into the job. My current job is okay, but nothing exciting and the pay is average. This new job is a great opportunity with more money and more of what I want to be doing. My current job would be fine if I announced I was pregnant, but I’m scared I get stuck in a dead end job for the rest of my life.

My partner wants to try again and says he is behind me whatever decision I choose, but I just don’t know what to do. I’m desperate to be pregnant again and have back that feeling and I’m dying for us to start a family.

Note - I’m 25, been with partner for 3 years, engaged for a year, long term steady current job, good income from both of us and we own our own home. We feel this is right for us, pregnancy that turned to miscarriage was semi-planned, we weren’t actively trying but just going with the flow and if it happened then it happened.

Any opinions on what people have done in their life, chosen career over family or vice versa, as I’m at such a cross road in my life and unsure of what road to take. I am about 70% family driven, 30% career....if that makes sense! Prefer the idea of starting a family over choosing my career right now, just so stuck and wouldn’t mind some kind words of advice or experiences on either career or babies.
Thanks so much xx

Hi chick. Is it the same company? You should still be entitled to the same benefits if you have worked for the company for the same time. Anyway you will still get smp regardless. I'm in HR so that's what i think. However check your company policy if it is a deal breaker. If you want my opinion this happened to me this year and I went for the new job and couldn't be happier, still no bfp however I am less stressed at work which has made ttc better so either way I was still a winner. Also, when you have a baby it'll be better to be on a higher wage with a bit more smp. Also, you will feel different after having a baby and going back to work will be a whole other topic.
Good luck - go for it! X

Ps it could take you another 6 months to be pregnant again sorry to be downer but you should be out of any probation period by then and I'm sure doing an amazing job. Plus you'll be pregnant for 9 months so your boss will have time to get over it x

They also can't discriminate against pregnancy so you should be safe guarded.
Sorry for the essay!

Do you intend to leave your job permanently and become a SAHP when you give birth? (which I would really recommend against).

If not, I don't think there should be a problem. I'd probably wait for half a year or so so you can recover and adapt to the job, and then start trying again. As a pp has said, you are pregnant for nine months, and if you don't overdo the maternity leave and are relatively flexible, it shouldn't be such a problem.

Hi, thanks for your replies!
It’s a completely new company, that has 2 people working for it and I feel if I was to start in January with them, and say for talkings sake I fell pregnant in March, you have to be working for a new company at least 26 weeks before you are pregnant I heard to qualify for all the benefits etc. I would be going from full time to part time with my current employer, and then going part time with the new employer to make up the other hours. Two employers, all very confusing. The new employer can’t offer me full time so we have agreed part time with both jobs.

I know it’s good to have a steady job behind you and a good wage, I have a good wage at the minute but of course a little more would never hurt!

I’m just so lost about what to do, I so want a family right now but scared about turning down this opportunity.

Sorry for such a drama! x

Also please note this has nothing to do with money, I would be going part time with the new company and the wage rise is £2 more an hour, but across part time with my current wage this isn’t much and won’t make too much of a difference.

This is more of an emotional thing

Thanks x

(advice coming in from another Owl fan, waves hey there Owlpatrol)

Taken from the government website, to qualify for SMP you must:
earn on average at least £113 a week
give the correct notice
give proof you’re pregnant
have worked for your employer continuously for at least 26 weeks continuing into the ‘qualifying week’ - the 15th week before the expected week of childbirth

I read that as being able to start TTC again for sure a month after joining in January. As PP said it might take you a while to get pregnant anyway plus they cannot discriminate against you if you did become pregnant not long after joining!

I plan to start a new job in January and I have been actively TTC for past few months. You still get Leave (even if you dont qualify for pay) no matter how long you have been with a company.

Best of luck with both new job and baby making

I'm 36 and we were trying 20 cycles before I got a bfp. I miscarried at 7 weeks, sorry to hear you have also had a loss. I would say if you want a family then go for it, start saving and just see what happens. Surely if you're part time with the same employer then you'll be entitled to a higher level of pay, regardless of the fact you're also working for a second employer?

You're young but I would say try if a family means that much to you. It took me years of waiting until DH got on board with ttc and now we've been trying nearly two years with one miscarriage and I'm not getting any younger. Plus I started at a new job in September so I wouldn't have been eligible for much maternity pay, and DH doesn't earn much at all, but I didn't care because I was pregnant.

Go for it. Jobs will be there afterwards but you'll make yourself unhappy if you wait, especially if problems arise later.

Please choose your job! I know the feeling of wanted to have Kids so much, but when you have to return to work you’re going to be unhappy... do what makes you happy for a while, and then focus on babies; you don’t want to miss this opportunity and then regret it!

I’d choose the job too. You’re young. I’ve been unhappy in my current role for the last 2 years but I decided to stay so we could TTC and I’d still have the benefits that we needed. I am the main wage earner. However 15 months on. I’m not pregnant and I’m miserable at work. Be happy. That’s the most important. I’m sorry for your loss, unfortunately I know exactly how you’re feeling. X

You can choose job and give it a month before TTCing so best of both worlds. IMO. x

OP, you are 25. 1 in 4 or 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage - unfortunately, it's a very normal thing. It doesn't mean it will happen again.

You can have a family AND a job. It's not either/or.

Thanks all for your advice. A family is incredibly important to me, and I can’t help but feel this void needs filled, we both would love to be pregnant again as we were so heartbroken at what happened before, it actually was our first month of TTC (although as I said we weren’t actively trying like charting or anything, just not using contraceptive!) and I couldn’t believe how quick it happened. I understand of course this might not be the case this time around now, but we are both taking vitamins, eating healthy and even bought pre seed to try as a last resort and I got OPKs....I’m praying I catch quick again.

The job situation is just incredibly scary, I’m in a very comfortable stable job right now where I qualify for leave and pay and morally I wouldn’t feel bad as it’s a bigger company and lots of us. What I would be doing though is going down to part time (2 days a week) with my current employer where I don’t really know where I would stand with pay etc, and giving my other 3 days to a new employer who is really relying on me and it’s just me and her (design business), and I feel I would really be letting her down. I’m worried about what leave I qualify for when I then cut my hours down to part time with both companies as I am in such a secure job right now and wouldn’t have any worries if I stayed on.

What I’m trying to decide is whether or not I turn down the job and stay on with my current employer so I get to keep the stability and benefits if I do fall pregnant in the near future.

Sorry this may seem like a pointless post, just mentally struggling right now and needing to voice it, my partner is fed up me talking about my job and says it’s my decision! :( X

Do not apologise you are allowed to vent and share your thoughts etc

You can join the new job though and still be entitled to the benefits as long as you give notice and you have worked 26 weeks before the 15th week of your due date which means you have to have worked 26 weeks before you are 25 weeks pregnant (Not 26 weeks before you can become pregnant like you said previously)

If I was you, I would join the new job and wait a couple months (so say until March) then start TTC from there. You could always be super flexible whilst you are on your maternity leave by offering to do your 10 Keeping in Touch days and going back to work after a few months?

Respect to you for considering how going on mat leave will affect your employer, it’s really nice that you’re considering her too.

It’s a difficult choice: you’ve still got plenty of years of good fertility to TTC but equally you’ve got the rest of your working life to progress your career. Whichever you choose you’re not ruling out the other, just delaying it for now.

Have you thought about discussing it with your potential new employer? She might be willing to work around a possible pregnancy and you would at least get maternity pay for the 2 days a week you do with your currebt employer.

Hi webster!
I am the same age as you TTC and I don’t personally think age makes any difference, you’re ready when you’re ready .

However, I have now been TTC for almost 2 years and in that time I have actually changed job 3 times! Stupid I know! At first, I was waiting in a job I had outgrown on the hope that I would soon fall pregnant and go on mat leave... as time passed I became more and more bored and unhappy at work and frustrated I wasn’t conceiving and it made both situations worse. I decided to take the plunge and accept a promotion and didn’t TTC for the first month of that new job.

It turned out I really didn’t enjoy the new job and immediately looked for another having made a mistake. I continued TTC with no luck as a means of at least bettering my personal situation and blanking out my miserable new job.

Finally, in a third job which I love, but I am still TTC and now having fertility treatment. I just took a one month break TTC the first month to focus on finding my feet. I absolutely love my career but I want a child more and the realisation is you just cant time these things.

I would say definitely take the new role, challenge and occupy yourself, and when the time is right your BFP will come along . You will do yourself more harm mentally if you sit and wait counting the days.

Ultimately, whenever it is that you get your BFP you will not be unhappy or concerned that you should have waited 10 more weeks. I think the new job guilt would soon go.
x

Thanks OwlyLady, so do you mean I can be working a week with a new employer then I fall pregnant and I can qualify for pay and leave, as then 25 weeks down the line I will be 15 weeks away from giving birth? It’s all so confusing to me!

My current job is very comfortable and easy going and I am not unhappy in it, just a little bored and there’s a better opportunity on the table albeit part time. I wouldn’t be unhappy coming back to my current employer as I know they would be super flexible with coming back, it’s just I’m scared I turn this opportunity down and it never arises again. It’s not a massive opportunity, just more doing something I like more than what I’m currently doing...if that makes sense!

So worried about it all and feeling I fuck up decisions, yes I’m still young but me and my partner want this very badly and feel we are both ready. I’m just worried I give up my job for part time and nothing seems to go in my favour, especially if by a miracle I fell pregnant in January/February time and had only been with new employer I would feel like I’d make a mistake and don’t know what my situation would be like.

I’m quite a serial worrier - apologies!

Personally I would choose the job. I think your want for a baby is mostly spurred on because of your loss. It’s not uncommon at all to have that empty feeling after such a horrible ordeal but I can tell you that having another baby doesn’t necessarily take that feeling away. You sound like you’re in a great position to have a baby but you are also young and this seems like a good opportunity for you. I think you need to give yourself some time. A loss is a big thing for your body and your wellbeing to recover from. Also, you don’t know for sure how long it would take to get pregnant again. Getting pregnant easily once doesn’t necessarily mean it will happen easily again. It could take months, it could take years. It would be a shame to miss out on a job opportunity to find that it’s taking you much longer to get pregnant than you thought anyway. Ultimately, it’s your decision but if I was in your shoes, had just experienced a loss and hasn’t been actively ttc for a while, I would pick the job. Good luck with whatever you decide and I’m so sorry for your loss

Well technically you count the start of your pregnancy from the start of that cycle (first day if your last period not when you conceive). So to be on safe side, at least, go through a whole cycle in your new job then start TTC if that's what's you decided to do

Thank you for all your kind replies, I do agree part of my longing may be because I lost my pregnancy, but I’ve wanted to have children for a good year or so and it was only in August/Sep time we decided to go for it and see what happens, so at the same time it wasn’t brought on my our miscarriage - there has always been a longing for a family and children.

I do agree about the job opportunity and taking it, I’m just worried I make a mistake as I know we will continue TTC even if I take this new job. I just don’t want to be left in a horrendous situation where I don’t get pay, or I don’t qualify for leave. Maybe my brain just thinking too much. Just worried the dates don’t lap properly and I leave myself in a difficult situation and I’m pregnant.

I so appreciate everyone’s opinions - I am still finding myself so unsure though x

In terms of being paid for maternity leave, you would be entitled to SMP (I think, it’s been a while since I went on mat leave) if your employer doesn’t pay you themselves.

Webster there will be other jobs lovely. Lots of other jobs for years and years. Maybe this is not the one for you. Follow your heart. If you will be Ttc and you fell on your first month, maybe it won’t be long for you to fall again. (But you just don’t know).

The way you are talking about it, I do not think you deep down want the job at all, just a family. You just don’t want to waste it, but there will be others. Don’t complicate your finances unnecessarily if you enjoy your current job and hope to have a baby ASAP. There will be other opportunities and you need to do what will make you happy and focus on that x

Thanks for the kind words Mol5, I see it as I want a family now, I have many more years to spend time on my career. As for the word career, this isn’t like a massive high flying position I would be moving to or anything, just a change of scenery, some more money and not necessarily sitting behind a computer desk most of the day! It is a good opportunity I am being offered but I can’t help feel my longing for a family is really outweighing it here, especially when the position isn’t massively life changing or anything.

Guess I just need to do some long hard thinking and talk things over with my partner....much appreciate everyone’s kind words and genuine opinions, it’s really hard when you work yourself into such a panic and don’t know what to do x

As a previous poster pointed out - perhaps you could discuss this with your prospective new employer? Tell her that you would really like to take the job, but you were hoping to become pregnant relatively soon (within the year - year and a half, say), that you would be happy to be flexible, and if that would work for her?

She might surprise you. Or if she says that wouldn't work for her, you'd know where you stand.

I have thought about approaching her and explaining, but feel it might be incredibly off putting for her as I think she is assuming because I am young, I will be not be trying for children anytime soon and she can rely on me for the next wee while. The reason she reached out to be as well was because she needs another member on her design team as she is struggling to do things currently single handedly.
I am quite flexible as it is, I would be going 3 days with her and 2 days with current employer, it’s a bit of a tangled web...due to the nature of business I’m in, the two employers know each other and are in regular contact. That’s the best way I can explain it! I know there would be a great deal of flexibility from my current employer and they know I would be flexible to do whatever days they need me and doing the other days with this other company, it would be a matter of me saying “this week I can work these days” or then approaching me and saying “we need you these days”, and going from there. Quite confusing!

It’s more just putting it out there to a new employer of a small business that I am now actively trying to conceive and that I may not be able to help her 8-9 months down the line for quite some time, and I feel that she may feel this leaves her in a very awkward position as she reached out to me to help her originally and may feel I’ve taken advantage of this somehow.

Long talks with partner tonight - everyone’s opinions and comments are much appreciated