Telling people

[MrsKQ]

Have you/did you told/tell people you are TTC or is it strange? I’m not sure what people’s opinions are on it so just interested to know!

No before my mmc at 10 weeks. And now it’s pretty obvious. I wish it wasn’t public knowledge amongst some people as I’ve had the “hows the baby thing coming on” question a few times. We have been TTC 15 months and in the process of investigations so as you can tell, it’s heartbreaking to keep saying “not too well actually”

I told my mum and my best friend but kept it secret from everyone else

No I didn't but had an ectopic in June so now it's pretty obvious we are trying again x

God no. Last thing I'd want is people constantly asking me if I'm pregnant yet.

I told my mom and my husband told his parents that’s all and I’m so glad I only told them because we lost it so to be honest I have learnt my lesson I don’t think I would tell anyone until I knew everything was ok. It’s horrible telling people if things don’t go well.

Bloody hell, no we didn't tell people we were TTC...didn't want the extra pressure of being asked for update and how it was all going!

As it happened, I fell pregnant straight away both times so the TTC to pregnant thing was v quick.

Sadly I had MMC last summer and no pregnancy since then...it's pretty obvious now that we're TTC and it's just not happening!

The only people who ask "when are you having another?" are the ones who don't know about the MMC.

Some good friends announced over dinner that they were TTC and she had stopped the pill- I found it cringey but each to their own. It was a good year or so before the pregnancy announcement followed.

I told one friend, who was also TTC at the same time. We used to give each other updates and chat about how great it would be if we were pregnant at the same time.

Fast forward almost 4 years later, she now has two children and I have none (although I am currently pregnant). We eventually stopped talking about it and although we're still friends its now like an awkward elephant in the room.

I'm so glad that we never told anyone else. I used to always get asked when we were going to have kids and it was easier to say "not just yet" ...and then sob at home, rather than have people know we were struggling. I'm quite a private person though so maybe thats just me.

Once I had my MC it was then obvious to family that we were trying but suddenly the kids questions stopped and no one mentioned it again. Thank goodness!!

Nope didn’t tell anyone first time. DS is 15 months and people have been asking since he was about 6 months when we’ll have another! Now that we are thinking about ttc again I’m still not telling anyone. Mostly because I’m still BFing and don’t have my cycles back so it may be months yet before I’m even capable of it. Couldn’t deal with the questions really.

Most people neither want nor need to know that you're having lots of unprotected sex, frankly.

The only point at which I want someone other than my husband to know is the point at which we have a viable 12-week pregnancy.

I think this, like so many other TTC and emotions things, has no one right answer, it depends on your own outlook and temperament. I did tell two very, very close friends when I started trying and I'm glad I did - TTC can be stressful, and it's nice having someone other than your partner to chat to if it's getting you down. I told another very small handful of people (including my parents) after we started having losses (three so far). Sometimes I do regret that because obviously those people know we were going to try again and it's not nice to get sad faces when I have a drink, etc. But overall for me personally - I'm not dictating what anyone else should do - I'm glad I've shared with very close friends. We've been TTCing for nearly 18 months now and it's been a huge part of my life and emotions over that time, so it felt natural to talk about it sometimes.

@LisaSimpsonsbff I hope you don’t mind me asking and I’m guessing you have have you had all your hormones checked and AMH? and out of curiosity you don’t have to answer how old are you?

I've had full recurrent loss testing, and also NK cell testing at the special Coventry clinic - completely normal on all fronts. I'm 30.

@LisaSimpsonsbff sorry just curious I am 30 also and I know age sometimes plays a part in this.

No.
No way.

Didn't tell a soul. Didn't tell anyone when I had my miscarriage, didn't tell anyone when we started trying again, didn't tell anyone it was a suspected ectopic. Didn't tell anyone until I was 17 weeks.

Very very pleased I didn't. We got pregnant quickly, but I can't imagine how difficult it must be if people know and you struggle.

Some people have told us, fair enough, that's their choice but both are now struggling (having tests etc) they like they can talk to us about the tests but there was a large awkward storage where we didn't ask and they didn't talk about it.

Good god no. We told everyone at 15 weeks or so.

Again, I think this is a very individual matter, but some of these very judgy comments are exactly why some women feel very isolated and like they should be ashamed when they have losses or fertility problems.

We haven't told anyone and don't intend to until we (hopefully at some point) have had a 12 week scan, i don't think I could deal with knowing everyone was wondering whether I was pregnant yet or not. Also I know you can mmc at anytime during pregnancy but if I was to mmc early I think I would deal with it better on my own than everyone knowing. I can understand why people do tell though, it can feel like quite a lonely place, I feel like ttc is the most important thing in my life right now but it's a huge secret you can't talk to anyone about.

We haven't told anyone directly. Parents (especially DH's mum) have been making grandparent noises and we have said that we would like a family, but haven't said we are trying. but no, otherwise, we haven't said anything to anyone. I don't want the added pressure.

I told my best friend when we started ttc. She was going to start about 8 months later... she now has a baby and I don’t.

I told my parents after my second early miscarriage as I was very upset. I’ve hinted to my mother in law that things aren’t straightforward.

Infertility is a lonely and depressing existence. Telling these people (who haven’t experienced infertility) has mostly proved a slap in the face. Oh and I told my sister, and she was like ‘it’s no big deal, lots of people go through this.’ She didnt... that was probably the most hurtful thing that’s happened with all this. That and the two people I’m close to falling pregnant around the time of my two early miscarriages....

I told my sister because she's trying too. I also told another family member who proceeded to give me a lecture on why I shouldn't have a forth child, even though he has 4 by 4 different mothers. I won't be telling anyone else until I'm pregnant as I don't want anymore judgemental lectures.

I told my sister because she's trying too. I also told another family member who proceeded to give me a lecture on why I shouldn't have a forth child, even though he has 4 by 4 different mothers. I won't be telling anyone else until I'm pregnant as I don't want anymore judgemental lectures.

I told my boss at 7 weeks because there were some things I shouldn't handle when pregnant. Some friends we told at 10 weeks As we were going on holiday together and my morning sickness was pretty obvious. Everyone else a lot later.
I imagine it depends on how you would want to deal with a loss - privately with your partner, or with the support of family and friends. Personally I'd prefer not to have to deal with public sympathy. I'd also had a few cousins who had late miscarriages or lost newborns, so I didn't want it to be in their faces unnecessarily. But nobody should feel they HAVE to keep things quiet just in case it goes badly and other people feel awkward about their loss. Miscarriages are sadly common.

@physicskate I can relate so much to your post. People who haven't been through infertility and loses definitely don't understand.
I have also been on the receiving end of some hurtful and insensitive comments.

Yeah a few of my close friends know we are TTC. It's pretty obvious - we have just bought a big house, well established in our marriage etc. (Not suggesting that people can't be TTC in other situations btw)