You are not a robot and the ovary whisperer's chanting for you in the viroid commune with our carved cock relics- don't panic about the acid foof! It's JS 58!!!

[Ain626]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a <strong>Kitten</strong> = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>'something'</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a <strong>hooya</strong> = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into TTC obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing a <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 57 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2542249-Theres-Chickens-up-Trees-and-BOGOF-Deals-from-the-Stork-Were-Seeking-out-the-Magic-Potion-whilst-avoiding-the-Rogue-Penis-Dont-Flash-your-Cat-its-JS-57?pg=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2550495-Its-the-calm-before-the-storm-sort-of-that-is-Fantastic-February-and-the-March-Madness-we-did-a-lot-of-shagging-last-summer-We-need-more-JSers-on-this-our-44th-thread" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2541376-Our-babies-are-teething-screaming-and-generally-not-sleeping-but-were-still-JS-ing-its-Just-Mumming-10?watched=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-website-s-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit?pli=1#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Recent research PROVING WE ARE RIGHT is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2015-10/iu-iss100515.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

I did go to account but for soem reason it did not save. Will try again when I can be arsed.

Anyone else really want to know what name kwick tried out?

I shall keep you in suspenders until I manage to switch

Keep us in suspenders...

Morning viroids...just caught up on the Fred. Gx Scottish that AF doesn't get you and you get a second line...

I'm now 9dpo. Trying not to symptom spot this month but of course it's bloody impossible quite difficult.

Had quite a bit of pelvic cramping the past few days, a bit of breast tenderness last night and a bit of nausea which may be related to eating dessert at Valentine's dinner and then popcorn at the cinema.

I don't 'feel' preggers though so expecting a BFN when I eventually test. I reckon I won't get a BFP until I lose some weight hence starting SW on Tuesday but until then I am eating ALL of the food.

stumbly I think we iced on the same day, I'm 9 dpo too! I don't feel pregnant at all, zero symptoms. Trying not to let myself hope/daydream, but it is hard!

stumbly why does being overweight impact chances? If you are icing and getting af on a regular basis?

Kwick....I don't know for sure that I am icing. I will be temping next cycle to check.

From what I've read it says that obesity (that would be me!) impacts fertility and chance of miscarriage.

However I have to say everything I've read is very vague. I've tried to find actual studies and haven't yet...though to be fair I haven't spent ages on it...

Kwick Apparently if you are obese (BMI of 30+) it is statistically more difficult to conceive. I think that's for all obese women ie not just those with irregular cycles.

I don't know whether being overweight (BMI of 25-30) makes much difference, I would guess that it could make a small difference but not a massive one?

From a purely practical pov I think you have to have a BMI under 30 to get IVF on the NHS, which suggests to me that having a BMI of 25-30 isn't the end of the world.

I'm overweight but I hate diets and don't believe they work in the long term... I have been exercising a lot more and trying to eat healthily, so hopefully I might lose weight but it will be slow! I'm trying to focus on health rather than appearance but of course it would be good to be a bit slimmer.

Here's one that suggests there's still an impact even if your cycle is regular and you're ovulating...

www.m.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/news/20071211/obesity-linked-to-infertility-in-women

stumbly Re studies, I've just checked my copy of 'Expecting Better' and it has two references:

Brewer & Balen, "The adverse effects of obesity on conception and implantation," Reproduction 140, no 3 (2010): 347-64

Ruager-Martin, Hyde & Modi, "Maternal obesity and infant outcomes," Early Human Development 86 (2010): 715-22.

I recommend the book btw. Evidence based and reassuring.

1dpo and I feel sick and tired coincidentally after a late night and a lot of wine so I am certain I am pregnant! This is going to be a long 2ww!

SW sounds too good to be true at the moment....from what I've heard there are a lot of free foods and not just rabbit food salad. Hmmm...I feel a tiny bit cynical that it will work for me as I have a massive appetite and so 'free foods' sounds dangerous.

I should hold back on forming an opinion before my meeting though! Will also check out the SW Fred's on here...

stumbly I've lost over 3 and a half stone since June and over 3st of that is due to sw, worth a try in my opinion :)

I did a frer, I'm still 4 days before AF is due, I'm so stupid. Bfn of course..meh

After a week of nothing on opks, it's been getting slightly darker today & yesterday, still not a positive though. Was thinking I ice around cd12-14, so seems it's later than I thought, this cycle anyway.

Zyla sorry for bfn, although as you probably know it's still very early.

scottish any news?

zyla too early!

The witch has arrived

Oh Scottish So sorry.

Sorry Scottish

Sorry Scottish

Thanks you lovely viroids, it's so wonderful having the support of understanding people in a similar position.

Me and DH are both really disappointed- he wants to go and get checked out but it's only been 3 months really so we've decided to wait a couple more months. There are a couple of things in his history that might mean it would be better to make sure everything is working as it should, sooner rather than later.

It's so difficult- you try and stay relaxed and positive but the disappointment mixed with AF hormones is such a toxic combo!!

scottish

So sorry about AF Scottish. Have a good cry and a big glass of wine tonight. Try and remember that 3 months isn't a long time by any stretch of the imagination. So hard when you want it badly though and every other fooker seems to get knocked up immediately.

I am back from my romantic weekend shagathon in Norfolk. Had a lovely day today wondering around a beautiful country house gardens then relaxing in a pub.

Dh is off to Europe tomorrow until Thursday, for at least this week and next week. He's hoping an alternate project will come up so this doesn't become a medium term thing. I am trying to be supportive. Thanks for all the positive thoughts re conceiving from weekend shags!

aww scottish I'm sorry, I was convinced I could see a line but didn't want to fuel the crazy! I know how hard it is and how gutting AF is especially when you have had the hope. I would try and put your GP hat on, remember what you would tell patients who are TTC - unless there is a really strong risk factor for male infertility (like chemo), and you are both young, then it's probably best not to rush to medicalise it. Easier said than done though I know!!

nfmv: I am CD21 and have apparently still not ovulated according to the pissy sticks. What. They look a bit stronger today, don't know if that means anything or whether I am just dehydrated from my hangover Do have long cycles though of 32-35 days...watery CM but no EWCM yet.

Sorry scottish

Still no positive opk here and DH now away for a week, in fact I won't see him until a week Tuesday as I have a couple of nights away with work too

Filled up with jizz before he left so let's hope some swimmers hang around for a bit.

NFMD: crispy duck pancakes tonight mmm it says they feed two but I reckon I'll be able to polish them all off on my on