There's Chickens up Trees and BOGOF Deals from the Stork! We're Seeking out the Magic Potion whilst avoiding the Rogue Penis - Don't Flash your Cat, it's JS 57!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a Kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a <strong>hooya</strong> = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into TTC obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 56 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2507776-We-are-all-a-bit-bonkers-worshipping-the-travelling-womble-conker-we-rub-the-grads-bumps-for-luck-and-shag-without-scientific-schmuck-Most-of-the-time-Its-Just-Shagging-56?msgid=58470102#58470102" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2533203-Celebrating-Christmas-with-the-arrival-of-BabyBloom-and-XmasPud-were-testing-our-pelvic-floors-through-the-festive-season-mince-pie-tasting-and-turkey-stuffing-nudge-nudge-its-the-JS-Grads-43" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2541376-Our-babies-are-teething-screaming-and-generally-not-sleeping-but-were-still-JS-ing-its-Just-Mumming-10?watched=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-website-s-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit?pli=1#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Recent research PROVING WE ARE RIGHT is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2015-10/iu-iss100515.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

Thank you viroids. Just your post just made me cry...

I think I'm secretly hoping that my raspberry obsession is a sign of something of course I didn't eat two punnets of them over the course of yesterday evening even if it is a sign that my hormones are out of whack and AF is on her way (though if I do ever get a more regular cycle and I'm going to need raspberries when AF is on her way this could end up being an expensive new addiction!) This morning I feel sick (I've just had a cup of tea, it's made me feel awful) and headachey.

Is anyone else getting all those 'motherhood' posts on their news feed on FB? They are driving me crazy...

Just what has he done?!

Ain I am so sorry you are feeling low... This ttc malarkey is really rollercoaster ride! It plays with your mind and then there are the hormones. You just have to do what you need to do to get through... Having all you viroids really helps, even though we are all on different journies, the sharing and support is very important and really does help.

ain sorry
Yes those self indulgent posts are driving me crazy.

He's just being incredibly selfish. Something we had a conversation about and agreed he wouldn't do he's basically ignored.
Most annoyingly I don't think he thinks I'm serious about being annoyed.

Just you don't need to say sorry! You made me cry because it was such a sweet post.

I deleted FB off my phone at the new year as I keep finding it triggering. And when there's a little blue F popping up in my notifications all the time I just have to check it, which then results in my scrolling through my news feed for ages! Now I just log on every so often on my laptop or on my tablet, but those little F's on my phone are no longer causing me issues. I still probably am on it too much for my own good though!

Ignored it how Just? So he's said he wouldn't do something and done it anyway?

I deactivated FB last year, one of the best things I ever did. Don't need that constant shitty info in my face. It's worth it!

Just selfishness sucks :( stick to your guns so he gets the message

5hell, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. I hope you and your family are able to draw strength from and be there for each other. It is such a scary and upsetting time when a family member is unwell and you don't know what the future holds.

With my family when my mum was unwell we all started saying "I love you" to each other more often and although my Mum sadly passed away from her illness, my family remain incredibly close, much closer than before she became unwell. We see it as the silver lining to the cloud.

Sorry 5hell I meant to post this in the grads Fred (which I have been creeping on).

I hope you'll see this here...

Fb = work of the devil. I can't stop checking it then feeling depressed at my lack of baby/not owning own home/not being a size 8 blonde. It's ridiculous really because I have a lovely life filled with lovely things and am more fortunate then most.

I drank a bit too much last night and consequently feel down today. My ewcm has gone. My opks never turned positive. Fucks sake body, what are you playing at?

I also had a few too many drinks on Friday Canters and I also did last weekend and the weekend before. Please don't stress. A friend used OPKs daily throughout her cycle and never had a positive but conceived a gorgeous wee boy anyway- there are so many variables with them that I don't think negatives are hugely helpful.

I am currently CD18 so have been indulging a bit much while I know there is no chance I'm pregnant.

DH (who is doing dry January and is therefore smug) suggested to me that maybe I should drink a bit less as he's "doing [my] bit" by cutting out booze.

Made me a bit defensive; I'm not an every night sort of boozer, just had a few too many glasses of prosecco with the girls over the past few weekends. Also, we have only really been trying for 2 months and I'm young (27) so am going to assume everything works as it should until we have been trying for a bit longer.

What do you viroids think? What is everyone else's attitude to alcohol while TTC?

Hello essay. Sorry

Hello everyone! I've been a crap JSer and haven't popped in here from grads for ages but just wanted to say hello. I'll try and drop in more often!

Sorry to hear you are feeling down Ain. Hope you get some good news soon and what Just said is good advice.

Nice to see some of you popping on grads too, our numbers are being reduced by people going and doing babies, so I think this obviously means the stars are aligning for more of you to get BFPs

That's my mystic prediction for the morning.

I believe generally alcohol when TTC is fine, so long as it's not excessive. I believe it can have some effects on things such as implantation, etc. But then look how many babies have been conceived after a bevvy or three!

I barely drink anyway, so I haven't had to restrict myself at all. But I do believe that it's personal preference. I would say at this point, unless you are literally drinking bottles every night you haven't got anything to worry about. If you are worried, maybe lay off in the tww?

Pee, I hope you're right!

Thanks Ain that's my plan anyway. Don't know how to explain properly to DH though without going into a lecture about the different phases of the cycle etc which I know he wouldn't listen to!

Nice to see you Pee, Gx for

Scottish I thought I'd started AF and drowned my sorrows in a bottle if red wine. Tasted a bit weird though and I didn't enjoy it ... Hmmmm. Next day did a test and, whoops! Was upduffed despite busy being crazy and AFing. Crazy body.

Anyway obviously if you think you might be upduffed it's best to avoid, that said if you are off to a social event I don't think the odd glass of something is going to make much different in the TWOT. And when you know you aren't upduffed, well why not make the most of a tipple while you still can.

Alternatively if it helps you feel better you've eliminated all risks avoid it for a bit but don't beat yourself up for indulging yourself.

I got really annoyed eith DH for drinking to excess while ttc. Felt like it was me putting all the effort in while he made his sperm drunk. That said, we still got the BFP.

Disclaimer: perhaps avoid tequila fuelled all night binges followed by week long hangovers.

Ain I have a feeling in my waters /amniotic fluid! Do we still have access to the womble conker? I feel it needs a polish for good luck 🌰

Viroids I've missed so much! Bloody on call.
Can't remember who said what, but canters yes I was on O&g when had mc, wasn't too bad as I basically took 3 weeks off until I felt emotionally OK to go back. Looking forward to leaving now though because not sure I can take any more babies /broodiness!
chat glad the portfolio has at least been of some use! And / unmumsnetty hugs. I'm sure your body is not broken.
Scottish drink away! That's what I do.

Scottish....it's a personal choice I think. I don't drink very much anymore anyway...I've chosen not to drink during the TWOT but have the odd glass of wine during AF....I've decided to use it as the silver lining to being caught by AF.

Sorry all...will have to catch up on everything else later. I have two hours to clean the whole house, make an apple crumble and shower/dry hair/put on make up before the in-laws arrive for a meal at ours for the first time.

Possibly should have done the cleaning yesterday instead of mumsnetting being lazy

canters tell him you assume he's going to stay dry for the entirety of ttc then which could be one month or 6!

ain Yep basically we agreed he wouldn't do something and he is doing! Basically nodded along with me and then did it anyway. I'm incredibly fucked off.

Oops scottish not canters!

Thanks for the gin corgi, much needed

Oh dear Just I would be pissed too.

I wish this headache would do one. I'm having a sofa and 'Friends' day, though should do some assessments and debating having a couple of biscuits. I don't think I'm going to lose at sw this week.

Going to throw something wild out there... I once had a boss which drove me and my colleague stir crazy so we did got an Office Voodoo kit and he is no longer our boss... Maybe we can get a baby-making voodoo kit?

On the day of my first IUI I gave up the sauce (4 sept) and then I just stayed off it as it is easier for me to do this than to start and stop all the time. But this is just me. I have heard you have nothing to worry about until well preggers and your blood is being shared. Other things we do - like stress - probably cause more damage than a tipple or two.

I gave up red meat too (due to reading that high ammonia levels can impact fertility) but am actually finding that harder and have fallen off wagon about 4 times and may do so again today as I have a real hankering for lamb!

I'm all for some sort of baby making voodoo kit Kwick

What would such a baby-making voodoo kit involve...presumably not sticking pins in babies as that would be illegal weird....

Can we also avoid chicken blood?