Struggling to concieve....

[MrsHFoster25]

Hello!!
I'm completely new to this! So sorry if this is at all long - winded! I'll try and keep things short and sweet!
Myself and my husband have been trying for a baby since our daughter was born - At first, not so much trying, but we weren't being careful either - nor did/do we want to be. We want more children!
However, this was just over two years ago and still... nothing... Not even a pregnancy scare!!
I found out a year ago that I had endometriosis. I underwent laparoscopic keyhole surgery and had it removed - and they did also explain to me that it can come back at any time; two weeks, ten months, 20 years...
I haven't been experiencing any pain whatsoever like I did before my op but I have still got the pregnant - looking - bloated - belly! To me, I look like I did when I was two months pregnant! I've even been mistaken for being so!
I've attempted taking folic acid each day as recommended by a friend as apparently it can help. So fingers crossed!
BUT what I am writing on here is because I tend to get quite down in the dumps about it. Everywhere I look there's a pregnant woman - tv/when im out/someone announcing a pregnancy or a birth on social media! Everywhere! And I beat myself up about it because I wonder why can I not conceive another child?? We are both from equally as large families and would like a large one of our own. Please if there are any suggestions on getting pregnant or what Im doing wrong or just somebody to talk to then please do reply! It would mean a lot xxx

Hi there,

I too am up late browsing for support and came across your message. I have been ttc 1 for 2.5 years with no pregnancy at all and I have PCOS, so whilst we don't have the exact same issues, I can empathise with you. Especially on beating yourself up about it, as everything is fine with my husband so I feel like it's my fault :( It's forever on my mind, more so than I admit to anyone as they'd think I was crazy and obsessed! lol So I did some searching and found a thread on here with a lot of ladies in my situation (PCOS) and can vent whenever I need to. It helps so much as you know it's not just you and it's not as easy as everyone makes out- it's ok to need to talk about it and not bottle it up all the time!

I know you said you have been trying for 2 years for your second child. Have any tests been done/ are you having a regular cycle? I'm not an expert but I'll try my best to help and can offer support if nothing else xx

Oh MrsFoster, I completely get where you are at and how depressing it is. We too suffered secondary infertility. I conceived my son within a year of trying and after a year of no success in trying for a second, I sought medical help. At first everything came back fine with my husbands sperm being reported as only slightly abnormal and after many more months of frustration, a Dr recommended doing the sperm test at a specialist andrology lab rather than a regular lab and the sperm result came back as a whopping 98% abnormal. I guess we just got lucky with our son as it took four years in total before I finally conceived on my 11th IVF cycle in July this year, with not a hint of a BFP despite trying naturally every cycle we were not doing IVF.

It's exactly as you say MrsC, that it is difficult to talk about to people we know as they just think we are crazy and many times I received the frustrating comment 'when you forget, it will happen'. I completely agree with you that it's much better to vent on here to others who understand rather than having to bottle it up.

Have either of you sought medical help? Personally, I think that helped keep me (slightly!) sane, knowing I had an upcoming medical appointment to take the next step rather than month after month of failure. I feel for everyone going through this. It's a tough journey.

I've heard that phrase thousands of times myself too Shellster, so frustrating! I've been seeing a consultant at the hospital for over a year now and have my next appointment in the first week of November. I'm losing weight in order to be able to try Clomid, as BMI needs to be under 30 to have it and mine is over It's going well though so they're also hoping the weight loss will help me ovulate on my own in the meantime. I wish! Would love to have just gotten pregnant without explaining all about my sex life to strangers at the hospital/ doctors etc!! However at this point I'd happily tell anyone if it'd help. You just never think it'll be so difficult. I didn't find out about my PCOS until TTC.

Glad to hear the weight loss is going well. Because I was doing IVF, studies showed a high protein low carb diet gave significantly higher success rates. So while I wasn't dieting to lose weight, I was trying to stick to a strict diet too which consisted of protein shake for breaky, tin of tuna and salad for lunch and fish and veg for dinner, with high protein snacks like nuts in between. It was so hard, especially after an IVF failure and it made me feel like whats the point, so I'd eat junk or drink alcohol because I was so depressed, and then I'd feel even more depressed because I felt like I was also ruining my chance of it working next time. So I take my hat off too you for being able to eat healthy and lose weight under difficult stressful circumstances.

Interesting that you get the 'forget and it will happen comment too MrsC... no amount of forgetting is going to make your PCOS go away!!!! I think they just don't know what else to say and they feel they have to come up with a reply, but that is the worst reply ever!

Hope your appointment in November comes around quick and I really hope it's a case of just getting you to ovulate and then it will happen quickly. 2.5 years is long enough!

Thanks Shellster. I do eat lots of protein and fruit/ veg, with low carbs as part of Slimming World. I'm initially losing weight to encourage ovulation naturally and to enable me to have Clomid if I still need it. However, I'm aware that there are guidelines too for other fertility procedures should I need them, such as IVF, so think it's best to lose as much as I can now in case so I'm in the best position and don't have to wait any longer (hopefully!) I think I'm only so motivated this time as I know I won't get any help otherwise and as it's clearly not happening naturally, I need to do this so I have the best possible chance of getting pregnant.

I've only told close friends and some family about the PCOS, and most people don't understand it, and do say it'll happen when it happens. Think they just need more information, then they'd see that that totally isn't how it works! Also had a friend tell me ages ago that I needed to have more sex, as if that was the problem!Haha! I think it's just ignorance/ lack of knowledge and understanding. Quite a few people don't seem to know what actually has to take place in the body in order to get pregnant, which astonishes me.

I want the appointment to arrive, but am also not willing the time away, as I'm trying to lose as much as possible before it. If I haven't got my BMI down enough, I'm scared she'll say come back in 4 months, which they have done once before. I can only do the best I can though and keep going if it's not enough by November. I have been a little confused this cycle, as I started temping using FF which says I ovulated this cycle. I'm not sure whether to trust this, but even if I do, I still had my period, so I'm just hoping there isn't yet another issue that I'm not aware of yet.

Congratulations on your BFP by the way

I can understand having an upcoming fertility appointment being a motivating factor to stick to your weight loss diet - I guess having a set date in November really helps with the motivation. When they said 'come back in 4 months' the first time, was that an initial assessment where they just saw your weight at that point without anything to compare it too? This time, I hope they take into account your amazing progress and know that you are on the right track. I gather you know your target weight if you need to get your BMI under 30 to be offered Clomid. Does it seem at all achievable by your appointment date?

I went and caught up with two women I hadn't seen in ages who I met through a mothers group after having my first son. They knew of my struggles for a second and so sent me a text forewarning me that they were BOTH 17ish weeks pregnant. Lucky I am now pregnant too so it didn't sting as much, but I was surprised that I still got myself quite in a tether about it. One is about to turn 41 in Feb and the other is 40 too! I read all these stories how your fertility goes downhill from 35 to 40 and when one told me last time that she was trying for a second at 40, I thought at last I would know someone who understood infertility as I thought she had no chance. Yet they both conceive naturally while I struggled from age 35 to 38 and had to go through four years of torture and 11 IVF attempts and go broke to complete my family! Sorry, I know that has no application to your journey; I think I just needed to vent to someone who understands.

It is a massive motivator. I'd had tests before that appointment, bloods, HSG etc and she put me on Metformin and a contraceptive pill for 6 months to try to regulate cycle and help with weight loss. The pill regulated my cycle perfectly but her plan was that my cycle and ov would be regular once the 6 months was over but obv this did not happen. She was disappointed the Metformin had had no effect on my weight but it doesn't work for everyone. Luckily I'm getting results doing it the natural way but I don't think I'll get under 30 by 4th November, as I'm on 35 now. I think I'll be able to get to about 32 though, so I'm hoping she takes this into account as she had said previously that she would let me try Clomid if I got down to BMI 34. However, last appointment she said it had to be 30, so I'm not sure what will be said really. The aim is just to get it as low as I can before then, and plead with her to get things moving, as I feel like it's come to a standstill. I've had no bloods or tests for ages and time is ticking by. I'm doing the only thing I can do to help myself by losing weight, so I hope they'll help me too.

Vent away, I completely understand. I don't know anyone who has struggled, everyone just seems to conceive at the drop of their knickers, sometimes without giving it any thought! I'm on a thread on here for ladies with PCOS and often vent to them when I've had an esp tough day. I have confided in close friends but whilst they are sympathetic, none of them can truly understand how it feels. That's why it's a big support to be able to chat on here as we're all experiencing it. I know what you mean about feeling better now you're pregnant. I often think, I don't care if everyone I know says they've fallen pregnant within a week, just as long as I'm having my much longed for baby, I don't care!!

P.S. I'm not sure where the OP has gone, looks like it's just us!

That must have felt weird going on the pill in order to achieve a pregnancy! I would have felt like I was losing 6 attempts at trying.

Like you, so many people around me seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat (er, or yes, their knickers!) My sister even got pregnant while she was on the pill during my struggle.

I totally understand what you mean when it feels like things are at a standstill as I recall feeling that way many times during my infertility saga. Is it rude to ask how old you are? For me, the fact that I was 35 and had found out then my AMH was only 2.5 (meaning my fertility was very low) put extra stress on me that it had to work fast. I first sought help through the public system and they would do tests which would come back normal and then I would have to wait months for a follow up appointment and it felt like I was getting nowhere. I was about to turn 38 when I underwent my 11th IVF attempt and I was scared that I was just about out of time and wondering how I would cope the rest of my life feeling like this if it didn't work. I can imagine that in your situation with knowing exactly what the issue is, you would be feeling quite desperate for her to finally give you that Clomid so you can see if it resolves your issue. It seems they don't have any hard and fast rule about Clomid and BMI if she once said she'd let you try if you got your BMI to 34 and then another time saying it had to be under 30. Makes it all the more difficult to know what to expect at your next appointment. Well it's October today so another month closer to your appointment next month when you will hopefully get some help. Perhaps you can come up with some speel so you can be ready to plead your case in your appointment. I really hope she sees how far you've come - you are doing amazing.

I am not sure what OP stands for, but I assume you mean the lady who initiated this thread.

Shellster I just want to say I'm so happy for you for finally getting your BFP. I remeber chatting to you on here many months ago. I don't know if you remember me I was Bobsy.

Thank you so much Tink/Bobsy I have been overwhelmed by the kind words of everyone on mumsnet when I finally got my BFP on my 11th IVF attempt, despite these ladies still struggling with their own infertility journeys. I remember your name but can't quite remember your story. Where are you at with this lovely infertility saga?

My DD was unplanned & we started TTC #2 in January 2013. I had a scan & blood tests last year but all was fine & my doc wouldn't do any further tests because of my age - I was 38 then. On Tuesday after over 2.5 years TTC I finally got my BFP, showing as 2-3 weeks.

How is your pregnancy going? When are you due?

Wow Little, congratulations. I'm absolutely thrilled for you. I often feel guilty announcing my pregnancy on here when I know how much it must pain others. So it's nice that we are both in the same boat. I have found this pregnancy different to my DS. I am not excited and I think it's just my way of protecting myself. At the 12 week scan I was fully expecting and just waiting for her to say what was wrong. I guess that's me after 11 attempts at IVF, meaning 10 failures, so I got pretty used to expecting failure and it's still what I'm expecting this time too.

I don't quite understand that the Dr wouldn't do any further tests because of your age? If you were 38 at the time, I would think that was all the more reason for urgency and to get on with some tests. So I gather you are 40ish now? I got paranoid when I was about to turn 38 with my last IVF that it was all over for me - I can imagine your desperation at 40. You must be pinching yourself!

I am due March 26. Had a horrid experience first time so I'm really hoping things go better this time around.

Thanks Shellster. I felt a bit guilty to be honest because I left mumsnet earlier this year as I was finding it difficult finding it difficult seeing the pregnancy announcement's difficult as I was the longest one trying on the 'struggling with number 2 thread', but I did want to give them some hope, and also see how everyone was getting on. I don't feel pregnant yet because the nausea hasn't started yet. I'm also worried because of my age. I think if you've got to 12 weeks then you should be fine but I can understand you worrying, you've been through so much.

I don't understand it either, after my blood tests came back fine I asked her what next and she said there is nothing else to test, and at my age I wasn't producing as many eggs and the quality of my eggs wasn't as good. She suggested me and OH just 'enjoy' each other but that's easier said than done when you've been TTC for so long! The other problem I've had is OH's low sex drive and sometimes we would only manage twice in the fertile window. I'm 39 now, 40 next year and the baby is due before I'm 40.

I hope things go better for you too. I was in hospital for 5 days, people who had sections didn't stay in that long.

No of course it's not rude Shellster, I'm 28. I think that's partly the reason why they don't treat it with much urgency, as I've had the consultant tell me I'm still young and they would be rushing things along if I was closer to 35. As I said to her though, it's been 3 years since we started trying (2.5 years actively, due to the 6 months on the pill) so I think it's still a matter of urgency! I'm not going to be fobbed off at the appointment, I've lost 1.5 stone so far and expect to lose another stone or so by the time I see her, so she WILL take that into account! (Practising forceful talk!) Ha It's difficult as they think I'm not ov properly/ regularly due to bloods but they always take them at the wrong time so even that isn't set in stone I've never had the AMH test, presumably due to my age?

Yes OP stands for Original Poster. She has disappeared!

Congratulations Little, so lovely to hear of BFP's on threads like this. IT's strange how downright jealous and bitter I can get when family/ friends/ general population seem to get pg so easily, but I never feel that way when someone on here gets pg as I know they've experienced the struggle.

Thanks MrsC2013. I know exactly what you mean I know so many people who have conceived their second fairly easily, a girl at work got pg first month of trying with her second & I'd been trying over 18 months at that point. It got to the point where I dreaded going in work & seeing her with her baby bump. TTC is one of the hardest things I've had to go through & ive had no support apart from on here.

I hope things get sorted for you very soon.

I can totally understand it's still a matter of urgency for you MrsC. You still wanted to start a family at 25 and that hasn't happened, and you've decided that the time is right for you now (or 3 years ago)!. Also, I started trying for my first when I was 32 which didn't seem too old fertility wise. But I wasn't aware of the struggle for number two and if this last IVF didn't work as I turned 38, I would have been out of time by the time I had repaid my IVF debt and could afford another. So if you want more than one, and the second is going to be as long as this journey, that needs to be factored in too. So I totally get that it is urgent to you!! Plus, you can't take this emotional torture until you are 35!

I too found the pregnancy announcements difficult on the IVF thread I started Little. I was having IVF failure after IVF failure and then others would join the thread right as they started their IVF cycle, then 4 weeks later announce their pregnancy. Really made me feel like IVF was not going to work for me. Infertility is just torturous and if I were on that thread, I would totally understand why you needed time out so I am sure the others don't judge you. Others seem blissfully ignorant of all the stats as they easily conceive babies in their late 30's. But because we've struggled and seen specialists and done research, we know the statistics and I know this adds worry about how things will go. When do you go for your first scan Little? I read some statistic that once you see the heart beat, the m/c rate drops significantly, so hopefully that will help put your mind at ease.

Thanks for the kind words both of you

You put it so well there Shellster, I'm willing them to look past my age and see the bigger picture. I'm one of 3 and so is DH, so I always wanted/ expected to have 3 kids. Never expected it'd be this much of a struggle just to try for one!! If I go on Clomid, I'm kinda hoping I have twins, as at least then it's one pregnancy and I don't have to be disappointed again in another journey trying to have another!

I was hoping for twins as well with my IVF. No idea why - I only every wanted two and I already have DS. I guess after it being such a struggle for a second and now knowing this was my very final time, I kinda wanted two. And I have despised everyone around me who has been having one while I struggled, so I wanted a different pregnancy from theirs and something special. But you have a much more genuine reason. I have a lady at work who wasn't ovulating and it was a big struggle to conceive her first. The second time they knew what worked at she repeated that and fell pregnant easily. So if you do only get one with Clomid, I hope for you that at least it works the first couple of tries so that you can be reassured that it will work again next time. Actually, another lady I know had PCOS and had medication for her first baby, but then the pregnancy helped get her body on track and she conceived naturally for her second. Come to think of it, my periods were all over the place before DS and since him, they have been regular. So I hope your first pregnancy does the same for you. But of course, first things first - you need to get pregnant the first time! Doesn't seem long until your appointment now - although I bet time is dragging for you!

That's exactly it for me! I want more in case I have the same struggle trying to get pg a second time (though I have heard that cycles get better after pg, as you said). Also, DH and I expected to provide our parents with grandkids first, and due to our struggles and his brothers partners both getting pg immediately, we are now going to be last! This has been and still is really difficult to come to terms with, so I think we both kinda want twins or something that will be different (though our sis in law is currently 21 weeks with non identical twins conceived naturally on honeymoon!!) so we'd need identical twins or maybe triplets for it to be any different!! Or a son, as they're all girls so far.

Don't know why it matters to me lol I'd happily take anything at this point baby wise! Keep thinking ahead but need to actually get pg first!lol Time is going fairly slowly but I don't mind so much as it gives me time to get more weight off before the app. Only 3.5 weeks to go now!

I was feeling a bit wrong for my reason for wanting twins. I thought I should want them because I want them rather than for spite of wanting to be more special after feeling a grudge at everyone else in the family producing babies while I continued to struggle. So it's reassuring to hear you wanting twins for the same reason - though your sister in law seems to have made that difficult by producing non identical twins - and then conceiving them so easily on her honeymoon just to rub salt in the wound! Although like you say, you want two in the long run anyway and you would obviously love them and be more grateful for them every day than the average woman who falls pregnant at the drop of a hat, so you would be having twins for the right reason too!

Wow, three and a half weeks to go. I remember waiting to gear up for each IVF cycle and 3.5 weeks would seem like an eternity. On the other hand, if you are wanting to lose that bit more weight then I guess 3.5 weeks doesn't seem so long and would give you some motivation to keep going knowing your weight in 3.5 weeks is going to determine your fete.

You've got it spot on there again! 3 weeks today now. Just been prescribed Metformin again too to help, but as it's so close to the app, don't think this will make a difference in that time, but you never know I suppose. I'll take anything to help!!

Do you see someone else also who has prescribed the Metformin? I've not been in your boat with non ovulating cycles so I'm not familiar with the drugs - how is this supposed to help?

Sorry for the slow reply, had a little break from here to try not to obsess about getting pg- can't be done it seems!! I was referred to an Endocrinologist by the Gynecology dpt I've been seeing for ttc. They checked bloods and put me on Metformin as it's supposed to increase insulin resistance, which is common in PCOS, and to lose weight as a consequence. It's also supposed to encourage ov. However, I seem to be ovulating at the moment before taking the Met, according to my temps and OPK's, just no pg yet and still really long cycles. I'm going armed with this info on Wednesday to show that even after weight loss and supposed ov, I still haven't gotten pg, so hoping this will get them to help! I'll soon find out. FX!

No need to apologise - you do whatever is right for you. But I will worry that you've fallen into a black hole of depression if you do choose to disappear so you'll have to give me a heads up. But yep, I totally agree with you - not obsessing can't be done! Although if it's any reassurance, I too tried to find ways to not think about it because everyone who has no clue about infertility gives the well meaning but frustrating advice 'forget and it will happen'. But I too failed miserably and yet I still got pregnant on both of my last two IVF cycles - when the pressure of success was at an all time high because that was the last cycle I could afford. In the end, I figured that I can't forget so if I am going to think about it, I may as well be constructive and I would do practical things like come up with questions for upcoming appointments, listen to my IVF hypnotherapy CD during my cycles etc. Don't know if that is any help to you but thought I'd share.

I really hope you get what you want at your appointment. You mention that you are ovulating and yet still not getting pregnant and my first thought was 'I hope they don't refuse you the Clomid because there is no point to it if you are ovulating on your own'. But you have a different thought that you are ovulating but still not getting pregnant so you need the Clomid. Either way, the long cycles don't sound normal so surely they should do SOMETHING because that is not normal. And you've worked so hard in the lead up to this appointment. Surely they will see that and finally help to save you the agony of waiting waiting waiting!

Will be thinking of you and how you get on xox

To be honest, the whole thing has been depressing me. I feel like it's taken over my life. DH feels the same to an extent but seems to cope better than I do. I'm going to tell them how it's making me feel in the hope that it, along with weight loss, will make them help. Thanks for the tips re taking mind off it, I am going to take a list of questions and points I need to make so they listen x