Oh Shagging Gods Grant us our Wish, A Newborn so Tiny to Squish, By Shagging like Stars, Or with Jizz in our Bras, To the Disco in a Petri Dish...it's JS 53!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a <strong>kitten</strong> = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory, who wouldn't?)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 52 (The one where we recruited) is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2443514-Come-one-come-all-to-the-shaggers-ball-theres-fanjo-flags-and-party-bags-well-laugh-a-lot-and-well-get-our-tots-so-legs-in-the-air-for-the-shaggers-extraordinaire-Recruiting-YOU-on-JS52?msgid=56323474#56323474" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2450166-Were-growing-babies-stomach-beards-and-nipple-pubes-its-pregnancy-glamour-galore-with-humongous-tits-medicinal-prunes-and-praying-for-poo-on-JS-Grads-37" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2444058-Just-Mumming-Thread-7-the-grads-grads-cope-with-walking-own-rooms-and-have-little-time-for-shagging" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a> and a bit out of date now <strong>La</strong> has done a baby.

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

keep sorry how many dpo are you? I know you've probably said but I couldn't see it back in the thread

Youbastard there would be something amusing about that though

Pee - resorting to ryveta with honey....the absolutely worst. I'm not judging, by the way: I've been there myself, too many times.... bitter face

Tink. Deep breaths. Gx. Hugs.

Justme - it's absolutely addictive. I just love looking at the sticks. Can I see a line??? YES. YES I CAN. NEXT PLEASE. And the stats. The stats! I have so many stats to defend myself with should I POAS too early - which I won't, honest, it's a new me - but, you know, just in case

Feathered It was all that was in the kitchen at work, don't worry I'm judging myself!

Oh Peenut your workplace needs better snacks!
Feathered when can you legitimately poas? Sorry if you've already said. For some reason my laptop just won't do mumsnet so I have to put up with my phone.
chat your dd sounds awesome, I love those kids who trot back in to school with confidence.
Gx tink hope it goes well.
PUPPY!! How exciting. I also love those slightly ridiculous human names. My dog has one, although I did think it was just a normal human name until a number of people told me it was posh... Dog or bitch?

Feathered it's SO addictive. Gives me the crazies though, like when I've poas and got bfn I feel like I should upload it in case someone else sees a line. I'd hooyah myself for that! opens new browser window

Just saw the "him" youbastard hmmm, Arthur? Cecil? Cuthbert? Horace/Horatio? Roly?

Evening viriods!
I'm just off to Zumba to drool over the hot instructor to have a jolly good workout, will catch up with everyone's posts tonight

JustMe no idea how many dpo - all I know is the bitch should have surfaced today and she hasn't. I don't know my exact ovulation dates we just dtd as often as possible (EOD mainly)

Just got home from work and I am SO knackered! I could fall asleep right now. Aside from waking up to wizz twice in the night I slept fine and didn't go to bed late so no idea why I feel so drained.

Refuse to test again until Thursday. Even then I'm not sure I can face another bfn. I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes again again but it's difficult

Sorry - proper downer moment over here. Just sit me in the corner with and I'll be fine

Fruit I am really not the person to ask about POAS after last month's debacle. The first time I got my BFP I was 10 DPO - it was a stonking dark line.

I think I might be more cautious this time though - waiting until day of/day before AF is due.

Keep, keep your chin up. Stranger things have happened than false negative, though I suppose it helps to try to steel yourself for a BFN when you retest on Thursday.

Justme - had a real laugh aloud re: uploading stick-pic just incase another countdowntopreg member sees a line! And there always seems to be one very positive person out there who can make out a line in an entirely white box! (Me)

Feathered that's the kind of batshit crazy thing I can't tell DH covers face in shame

Ah Keep it's so shitty. I'm keeping my gx really tightly for you. Have lots of

Pee that sounds revolting. May I suggest keeping a secret stash of emergency biscuits somewhere safe? I do this with a teabag since living in the land of shit tea. I realise this makes me sound mad, but that's what shit tea does to me

I love a good carbfest Tink. Hope FC has gone well.

Feathered/JustMe some of those ladies could see a line on an unused test. Great for getting hopes up inappropriately.

Keep - wait and see how you feel...you don't always have to test straight away:
Pregnancy 1: tested at 6w...I already knew it would be positive
Pregnancy 2: didn't test, thought AF arrived. Miscarried what was clearly an 8w foetus.
Joined this gang of crazies
Pregnancy 3: tested two days early, as I was sick and craving mini cheddars...stonking BFP - twins. Miscarried at 7w
Pregnancy 4: tested every other day from 28 onwards. Finally got BFP (squinter) on CD36. Thought miscarried again, POAnotherS two weeks later, stonking BFP.
Conclusion: POAS is bad for you.

Evening viroids
I so love the fact there are other people out there that waste hours of their life on that particular addictive website - I thought it was just me
keep - I'm keeping everything crossed for you
I've been for my day 21 bloods today but no idea if I've gone on the right day due to my last af being totally weird and I wasn't sure when it really started as was spotting lots but think I am due on in about a week so who knows? . This month is a no for me anyway due to dh having a meltdown right around ovulation and going on strike so just want the results on Friday then af so i can move on

Thank you all. I guess I've gone from being all "yeh this is my month" to thinking realistically it probably isn't, just like the past 12 months haven't been.

Luckily I'm off work tomorrow as I have a job interview in the afternoon, so I get a lie in and can potter around feeling sorry for myself before having an hour of questions and acting confident

I'm at the doctors again on Friday for my '2-5 days of next cycle' test thing... Can't remember what that's testing for

Good luck for the job interview keep! And of course I'll have my gx for a bfp too!

First day back at work. I really couldn't sleep last night (kept tossing and turning and was too hot! Unlike me!) so had to do today on two and a half hours sleep. Needed to pee several times in the night too and all day today I've felt like I've needed to pee every 5 minutes. I've also had cramping and random aches and pains throughout the day and cravings for both a nice salad and cheese and onion crisps (more specifically, a cheese and onion crisp sandwich... )
Gives self a hooyah for symptom spotting. You don't even ovulate you silly viroid. No point in symptom spotting and driving yourself crazy!!!

ain you will ovulate, you don't have it easy but you will get there. Don't be hard on yourself, no need for hooyahs.

keep and black thank god you're both still in, no internet all afternoon and evening and got myself convinced we were all out!

chat bloody hell my lovely, that's quite the list!

feathered never been on there and refuse

lil you alive man? Thinking of you...

ill it's looking good, no?

Fc was good! Our consultant was awesome! In a nutshell: I have pco without the syndrome, endometriosis and probably not prolactinoma, but that needs a few more bloods to confirm.
I'm to keep on the metformin (for pco), finish with the Cabergoline (for prolactinoma) and get a few months of bloods to see where the prolactin level is. If the prl goes back up I'm to have an mri and try a different drug.

Most likely the main fertility issue is endometriosis (new!) Booked in for lap and dye in November, worst case scenario is blocked tubes which they can't fix, (blocked with endo), best case is a bit of endo that they can laser off. The big cysts are age related, and "my body" related, not cause for concern. Pelvic fluid and "kissing ovaries" are most likely endo related. Consultant thinks my tubes are stuck to my bowels, but will hopefully be able to free them. If they're blocked we're fucked but he has no idea until they get in there. All in all I'm happy, he knows what the fuck he's talking about and can give me an answer either way. And most importantly, there is nothing that is affecting my general health, any treatment will be for fertility only. I have nothing that is going to make me poorly. Massive relief! If the worst case happens and my tubes are full of scar tissue, I can just forget it and go and adopt. There is likely nothing sinister going on

Thank you so much for good wishes, I was a bit of a twat about it beforehand but held it together with no problem once I got in there.

Keep you are either upduffed or on track to win this week's symptom spotting award!

Feathered £17,000 I would be complaining non-stop if that were me. DH and I are currently experiencing scope-creep in our living room redecoration. It started with suggesting a little bit of paint on the walls and nine months later we have torn out two walls, replaced the fireplace and still haven't got around to doing the painting yet.

Ill I hope those swimmers have taken lessons from Michael Phelps. Gx for you.

just try not to fear the fc, I know you have similar worries to me but it was quite jovial and friendly. The needles are all to be done at my local surgery at my request, I was given the choice. I was offered some X-rays but declined due to fear and was told that it didn't matter, they could get the same info elsewhere anyway. I was made to feel like my choices were of paramount importance.

As I suspected, I'm not a candidate for clomid or iui - (I ovulate on my own and Dh has super sperm) They will discuss IVF with us next time but said that would be the only next step for us if we wanted to move forward with assisted conception.

As points of interest: Amh levels are not thought to be too relevent here anymore (not sure why), will enquire more next time. I've not had this tested with this fc and won't going forward.
They have just about hit 40% success rates for IVF in first round under 35's (one of the best in the UK).

Tink - sorry to hear but at least you have an attack plan. If the endo isn't fully blocking the tubes they might be able to liberate them. I ovulate on my own, sometimes multiple eggs, and DHs sperm are decent, some morphology issues but made up by 3 times the normal amount of swimmers, so not sure why they won't do clomid and iui for you. I did need 2 hsgs to check the tubes were clear. It might be a U.S. Vs UK policy thing.

Feathered - I love that site. Addicted to the due date calculator.

Iui went well, after having called the wrong clinic yesterday for my appointment. Went in and dropped off his bit at 8.30. Got odd looks for having it between my boobs. Went for breakfast and then came back at 10.15 for the insemination. Ended up being exactly 36 hours after taking the hcg trigger, which has left me with bruise as I didn't put the needle in straight. Nurse said it was a good sample but didn't give stats. I am doctors ordered rest, no jumping up and down not that I planned on it anyways. Said we could dtd tonight but we are both so knackered I am sure it won't happen.

Cat is doing well, actually not sure if it is a girl now, only one person has called about it and they were only feeding it as they work at the apartment complex not because it is theirs.

tink I really admire your outlook. You're totally right in all you say (in my opinion :)) and I'm so pleased for you that you've had a diagnosis. November's not too far away!

ill I hope it's all gone well. When will you know?

I'm not doing any more doing lots more symptom spotting today. There don't seem to be any symptoms anyway, I don't think this will be my month. Not sure when the witch is due as I've only had 3 periods since stopping breastfeeding and they've been from 20 day to 24 day cycles. But I'm going to buy some pee sticks at the pound shop today juuuust in case - only the best here you see!

tink it's good that you are now clear on things and by your post, seem a little more positive. I know it's not the ideal of situations but it starts the ball rolling

AF still hasn't turned up for me. I'm going to eventually get out of bed and I need to go out and get some more sticks to PO. If anything is going to entice the bitch to turn up, it's me going shopping for more tests.

ill I've got the pom-poms out to cheer on a sperm and egg hook-up. Gx for you. Stay away from bouncy castles!
tink my lovely, I'm so happy for you. It sounds like you have a fantastic consultant, you know what's going on and you're otherwise healthy. Gx they can get the lasers in there in November.
Keep go get em at your job interview.

tink good news it's nothing sinister. I really hope the next stage isn't too lengthy a process for you :)

tink I'm glad you are happy with the fc news and no health issues.

ill hoping your eggs and sperms are having a little action right now

lil hope you are ok xx

Glad the appointment had proved useful Tink and that you are feeling positive after the chat. Hoping they can work wonders with lasers for you. Good to know exactly what the dealio is and thanks be to the NHS that there are treatments available to help!

Ill hope there is a disco occurring your tubes right now! But no disco jigging for you, lay stuill like brocolli (is that a quote from Pretty Woman?!)

Keep You never know ... hope The Bitch does one.

Chat Goodness, you've been through the mill love, hope news is good for you soon . And I whole-heartedly agree with you about needing emergency snacks. The only prob is, if biscuits are freely available I have no will power and will eat them all. At least ryvita and honey is so disgusting I won't eat much! ;)

My spotting from yesterday has gone but expecting AF tomorrow. And, just realised we have a house guest for three nights during my next fertile window. Bloody hell. Was staying at my Mum's with DH on the last. Not condusive to baby making romance!