There was a viroid named Just, who was all wanton and lust. But her fanjo's a numpty, so she named it country, and they have a skittletits bust! It's JSing 50!!

[lildottie]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory, who wouldn't?)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 49 is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2399734-These-be-our-very-Cs-our-Us-N-our-Ts-proudly-JSing-their-way-to-poetic-BFPs-in-49-Together-we-Shall-take-off-our-robes-to-shag-put-on-our-crowns-to-copulate-we-have-immortal-longings-in-us?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2407126-Avoiding-accidental-golden-showers-and-unsolicited-bump-touching-while-enjoying-the-gamble-of-the-poo-lottery-and-apparently-getting-more-massive-by-the-day-JSer-grads-31" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2355867-Weve-no-time-for-JSing-Were-battling-green-nappies-sleepless-nights-x-box-playing-men-and-trying-to-hide-our-sling-addictions-Fuck-it-lets-do-a-runner-on-a-golf-cart" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="//www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings can be found HERE and <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2358940-The-title-of-those-conception-threads-rein-it-in-their-please-ladies?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="//www.docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

Ah Kez, I'm sorry. No AF still though?

Thanks viroids - that excerpt sums it up very well, Sky. Not at all glib, a lot of us have been through miscarriage as well.

Feathered, not at all - even knowing a lot about the theory of grieving doesn't mean you don't need guiding through it. I know exactly what I want to know from Friday (and so does the consultant), any results will guide further questions. I have wondered about counselling - the problem is I think I'll need a very specific person, who understands stillbirth from the perspective of someone who sees babies die too often, who fights tooth and nail every working day to save them. And they need to be available while I'm in Belgium. Awkward much?

X-post Auf. He only travels within Europe thankfully, and only for a few days at a time. He's away about 50% of the time - if we lived in the UK it would be closer to 70%. The nature of his job means travel will always be a bit part of it, which is fine in theory but the timing of this week's trip is unfortunate.

chat I have very specific needs for a therapist. The list is as long as my arm. I've tried being flexible thinking I'm being an idiot about it but have realised as time went by that it will never work properly if I don't have it. When I moved I had to leave my last therapist whom I had been with for a long time and who was EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED and I have spent literally three years looking for the next person. Budgeted for one "first session" every month or two and worked my way through therapists I was referred to or found on the various psychology/psychiatry/analysis professional bodies' websites.
Don't really know what I'm trying to say except that it is very good that you know what you need. I do believe Belgium has therapists?

Hah! Double-X-post chat
That's good to hear, that he is pretty close most of the time which means he can pop back for fertile days easily, right? and that it is okay for managing for you and DD, but just bad timing right now.

Sorry Kez - does AF feel like she's on her way?

Sky - very moving links

Chat - there's always Skype. One of my best friends still has sessions with her US based therapist. It's not ideal, but she was the best therapist for my friend so they found a way round being on separate continents.

NFMV: AF in full bloom. Putting myself on high iron diet as pretty sure my blood count must be feeble.

Confession....I'm already using the Mumsnet due date calculator to see when my baby will be born if I conceive this or next cycle. It's too late. Already done it.

Please feel free to throw me into the nearest asylum. I think I'll fit right in.

feathered why would you divulge such information? There is a due date calculator? Where do I find it? No, no don't tell me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I've considered Skyping my Wonderwoman never asked her though, so don't even know if she would do it. Isn't it weird though? For both the therapist and patient?

:( sorry kez - you're not out til the red witch zooms in though!

Feathered - not mad at all! Perfectly reasonable viroid behaviour glad af has finally turned up properly so hopefully things can settle down a bit

Lil - can you tie him to the bed?

Chat - I hope they can give you some answers. It must make it even harder not knowing why it happened, lots of love x

No AF yet and I don't feel like she's on her way either.

la that made me lol. he'd freak out and run a mile. plus he's strong, I wouldn't have a chance!

auf that's the first thing I check on ff when it confirms ov and opens the pg monitor!

lil I don't have VIP membership, which I think it is? I've no looked it up. Yes I have. Unfortunately, I'm busy that day.

I am utterly feeling like fucking shit.

I'm back at work after a lovely long weekend. SHE has still not turned up, I feel sick, I'm tired and I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND BE UPDUFFEDED!

Rant over. Sorry about that.

Auf just google Mumsnet due date calculator.

And join team cray.

April 9th

kez not out!

Therapy is not for me, just saying...
It's great if you get the results you want but wawaweewa, what a can of worms!

Oh kez how terrible to be in limbo. Could you go for a blood test to set your mind at rest?
feather due to this month's fertility doc's cuntraband I had a definite icing date and the MN one I looked at only goes from last period. But I found another online although they now all seem to say I'm already two weeks pregnant if I only iced 4 days ago. I guess it is the whole 2w thing people generally calculate from although surely proper scans will readjust that based on the actual foetal measurement done by the obstetric authorities. Look at me talking as if I am pregnant already. Bah! Team Crazy it is.

BTW it was April 1 for me. Already playing April Fool with me. Hah! sobs

auf I don't think the doctors would do a blood test so early on, would they? I might wait until end of the week and if she has still not showed, so another test.

I used first response so I would have thought they would pick up if I am pregnant.

you just never know kez everyone produces differing amounts of hcg - some not even enough for a FRER! and maybe you're just super-hydrated so the concnetration in your urine is lower (not condoning dehydrating yourself!!)

feathered thanks for that! ...i'd be due on my very own birthday

kez I figure it is always worth asking especially if you get a sympathetic GP who gets the anxiety and issues. It is definitely not too early for a blood test; they usually pick up accurately around 10dpo? I think 5hell is also right. You hear from people all the time who didn't get their BFP until 20dpo or even later.
5hell is your birthday on 1 April? Aren't you also 4dpo today? The icing date calculators all predicted 1 April for me.

Should be getting my "dude, where's my period?" blood test results tomorrow. Still no sign of anything and we're on CD59 now!

Playing around with that due date calendar there too - using the LMP date it would be late February if I'd managed to get upduffed on my honeymoon, mid-March if I set the cycle length to the longest possible. I have my suspicions that this is a really, really long anovulationary cycle though.

I'll try to be patient and see if anything happens this week. Might try a different type of test on Thursday if she's still not arrived. If still negative will ring docs.

We are due to go to docs together mid August to discuss fertility tests etc.

DH keeps avoiding going to wank in a cup for the fertility referral. They're only open Mon-Weds in the morning, but he's "forgotten" yesterday and today and is going away for work tomorrow so won't be able to go. Grrr.

Also had to hide someone on facebook for the first time because I can't bear her updates about her super special little boy who they are so blessed to have blahblahblah, after months of bump photos and wittering about pregnancy. I know for a fact she got pregnant by accident, which somewhat illogically pisses me off even more.

I know that feeling sock - I have so many friends who have fallen pregnant / had babies in the year that we have been trying.

I went on Facebook earlier and someone else has announced. It's her third and she's the same age as me (28). I Didn't even ready down my newsfeed , as soon as I saw that status I just came off.

My imaginary future baby will be born on 19 April -

...if I ovulate this month.
And get pregnany this month.
And don't miscarry.
And the rest of it.

Sock I feel your pain. Since my MC, I've had FOUR pregnancy announcements. One with what should have been my due date.

Another friend just gave birth.

And a soon-to-be-family member is just about to have her baby. I've had to hide her on FB because her status usually makes me want to punch her in the face.