We may all have the --rabies-- crazies, but we don’t need no ‘hints’ thanks! Grab yourself a (small) cider, get your sex towels at the ready, it’s Just Shagging 47!

[5hell]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory, who wouldn't?)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 46 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2374301-Sod-the-elections-we-want-erections-Were-hoping-our-miroids-will-deposit-their-seed-in-our-lady-gardens-and-well-all-end-up-growing-giblets-Come-and-join-us-on-our-magical-new-bedsheets-its-Jus?pg=1" target="_blank">HERE </a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2380377-JS-viroids-are-here-in-their-28th-outing-complete-with-exploding-belly-buttons-Theres-royal-foofs-and-jiffy-bag-gifts-but-most-certainly-NOT-x-rated-colouring-books-at-the-VAGINA-party-HQ" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2355867-Weve-no-time-for-JSing-Were-battling-green-nappies-sleepless-nights-x-box-playing-men-and-trying-to-hide-our-sling-addictions-Fuck-it-lets-do-a-runner-on-a-golf-cart" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings can be found <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2358940-The-title-of-those-conception-threads-rein-it-in-their-please-ladies?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

Lemon darling, my only regret regarding you is that you don't hang around here often enough. I pine for you. Glad I'm not the only one who sounds out words like a child.

Just I do pavlovas too! My fave is "tropical" which involves a small fortune in fruit. Mango, papaya, sharon fruit, syphalis physalis and drizzled all over with passionfruit. Hi to everyone who I just outed myself to.

Pickle I know you asked Just, but whatevs. Meringue recipe... I use Delia's. Us ratio of 50g caster sugar to 1 large egg white. No vinegar or all that shit. Preheat oven to 150. Whisk eggs to smooth, soft peaks, slowly whisk in sugar to glossy stiff peaks. Put meringue in oven and immediately turn down to 140. Cook for 1.5 hours (for 3 egg whites and 150g sugar) and then turn oven off, leaving meringue in there, over night if possible. Be careful with timings, the sugar might burn if left in too long. And be careful to take it out the oven in morning and not pre-heat it to make brownies and end up having to chop off burned merginue and pretend it was an eton mess all along

Just probably not, it's been like this for a few years now. No point having it really. Will prune it back hard on the weekend and see if it has enough balls to live. Only the strong survive.

Thank you lemon! Clearly my filth wasn't mucky enough, your filth has always been top notch though I must admit.

jelly get your fingers out of your fanjo and do not do shagging tonight.

haha honey i never went to catholic school ;)

Jelly this makes me think you mean "wink wink nudge nudge, I'm-filthier-than-lemon-and-ga-together" sort of thing.

Ga, 5hell asked earlier about sex-related injuries... you must have some stories to tell? [innocent face]

Welcome to manalive and radley!

I'm symptom spotting like whoa over here on 7dpo eyeroll though I think it's unlikely this cycle as we definitely peaked too early on the shagging.

clearly not a catholic if you are shagging our of wedlock jelly!!

lemon hi! share some filth with us! we're prim without you!

jelly_definitely get your fingers out of your fanjo! and definitely pull a Sicky tomorrow

Good point Lil, she's clearly a Jezebel of the highest order. Shun! Shuuuuun! fetches pitchfork

Do you know, I think I'm in a bit of a weird mood today....

amusingly Mr Jelly is a catholic though not a strict one.

fingers are firmly away from fanjo. totally didn't just buy 30 IC's off amazon.

haha honey i think i burn if i walk in a church totally not getting married in a COE Church

Oooo thanks honey Iv written that down, going to try it in two weeks when I'm off work then il scoff the whole lot before DH gets home

Honey @ [innocent face]

Jelly! Step away from the fanjo poking! I bled until 12 weeks, that's a whole lot of stress and anxiety - don't get sucked in!

Hey, Carrot! Just been looking at stats sheet and see we are neighbours! I live on the border, so depending on where you are, you might even live over the road. Crazy! Alternatively you might live down in deepest darkest Watford region, fucking miles away.

Jelly I don't think you would burn. We're more likely to accidentally spill tea on you these days. I can't take CoE either, too dry

You're welcome Pickle. I'm interested to see what Just does.

how weird would it be to do an MN meet up? I've done a meet up with some people from a different forum before but never considered it for here haha

thanks chat i'll stop, i know it can cause issues poking it, i was just very dismayed to find it gaping open :( why can't it be simple eh!

I've done meet ups before as well, still good friends with people IRL I met online. I think they're fun. I know a few of you don't live so far from me, or have reason to be in my neck of the woods every now and then.

jelly fwiw once you have a baby vaginally the cervix often just stays semi-open permanently. And clearly that has never stopped a gazillion other women from successfully carrying a second and fifth and twentieth ok I may be exaggerating there baby to term. The open thing means zilch. It will all be good. The jellybean will be just dandy! (Jelly, bean, see what I did there!)
If you truly truly want to go feeling around your nether regions right now I suggest a bit of light clitting instead. Or you could just have some cake and tea. Up to you really.

Filth, you say? I'm struggling for things to regale you with at the moment, given that most filth in the Lemon household now boils down to the poo / fart variety now I am upduffed. Speaking of which, I had a couple of weeks where I totally lost control of my ability to keep a fart in. I would laugh / cough and fart at the same time, and be so surprised I would laugh more, which would make me fart again. DH was most amused and wanted to film it for You've Been Framed. I said no. Fortunately I have since mostly regained my flatulence continence.

honey I'm sure I have had a fair few sex related injuries. I'll think on and get back to you on that. I can only think of snapping a lads banjo string at this point

Light clitting!!!!!!!! Oh auto I'm crying!!!!!!

oi, I got married in a CofE church!

pickle I have adapted a few, basically 4 egg whites whisked on medium speed til you can turn the bowl upside down, keep mixer going and add 245g caster sugar then turn up mixer to highest speed. Wait 7-9 mins until you can't feel any graininess. Add 1tsp of cornflour and white vinegar. Bake at 150 for 1 hour then cool in oven with door open a crack. Voila!

Haha aut light clotting has me in fits ?? you nutter.

lil I genuinely am getting married in a CoE church, it's a gorgeous little place!

I got married in an Evangelical Church, as my own Church doesn't have it's own premises and CoE churches want you to attend for a while beforehand and use their Vicar. We wanted to keep going to our own church and use our own pastor. So he asked around some of the other non-CoE churches in town and the Evangelical's let us use theirs. (We made a generous donation in thanks, what a CoE church would have cost, and a bit more.)

Clotting? !

10dpo here and DYING to poas. Again. I think I have a problem.