We may all have the --rabies-- crazies, but we don’t need no ‘hints’ thanks! Grab yourself a (small) cider, get your sex towels at the ready, it’s Just Shagging 47!

[5hell]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory, who wouldn't?)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 46 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2374301-Sod-the-elections-we-want-erections-Were-hoping-our-miroids-will-deposit-their-seed-in-our-lady-gardens-and-well-all-end-up-growing-giblets-Come-and-join-us-on-our-magical-new-bedsheets-its-Jus?pg=1" target="_blank">HERE </a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2380377-JS-viroids-are-here-in-their-28th-outing-complete-with-exploding-belly-buttons-Theres-royal-foofs-and-jiffy-bag-gifts-but-most-certainly-NOT-x-rated-colouring-books-at-the-VAGINA-party-HQ" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2355867-Weve-no-time-for-JSing-Were-battling-green-nappies-sleepless-nights-x-box-playing-men-and-trying-to-hide-our-sling-addictions-Fuck-it-lets-do-a-runner-on-a-golf-cart" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings can be found <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2358940-The-title-of-those-conception-threads-rein-it-in-their-please-ladies?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

This could turn positive before weekend couldn't it? clutches straws

just if it's not gonna be positive tomorrow I think it def will be by Thursday

My temp suggests I iced today yet opk s are blaaaaank

Do we think this mornings temp was a duff one?

Country your temp rises the day after you iced so if it rose then it's likely you iced yesterday. Your OPK's will be blank because they missed the surge.

just difficult to say. Keep testing and keep shagging to be safe.

I tend to get a ice temp dip which I looks ill I had today

Just that is positive isn't it?? Looks positive to me (or am I missing something? None of my ov sticks went any darker than that)

Not dark enough feathered!

Ain snap - I've been trying to get back into Guiding lately too! I'm actually a warranted leader, had to drop it for the first few years after starting work, picked it up again on my last year in London and then tried to find a unit again when I moved out but the local team have been utterly useless at replying to my e-mails. Going to try again in August when I move yet again.

Hello new Fred!

janey yep, too much shagging! Think I'm going to invest in some conceive plus. Not sure whether to get the ordinary tube or the individual ones that you squirt straight in the fanjo - they seem like they could be a good bet. Any recommendations?

I've just gone and ordered both because I'm an impulsive maniac very enthusiastic.

pretzel you maniac! Meant to get some this cycle but forgot and normally I'm slipperier than an eel

Just got in a shag just in case it's nearly icing. Hurrah! Come on egg let's crack on with this

Sarah, try not to worry about long cycles. I had three cycles off the pill from 35-47 days. First one I was just waiting to see what happened, 2nd and 3rd ttc. It was a little frustrating as I didn't know when I was icing/didn't know when to test so we just kept JSING. I was really worried it would take ages to get upduffed, especially as we had fewer 'chances', but we were v lucky in the end! Moral of the story: shag! :-)

Realised that between 18.20 and 18.47 I managed to shag and update you lot about it! Not sure what that says about my sex life or addiction to the thread!

5hell, the funny Fred was deleted, gutted, I cried with laughter at the last one someone posted!

Loving the 'news from my vagina' Viroids ha ha!

Gutted I missed that thread.

This is the worst witch I've had in all my years of having periods. I'm so fed up.

just well yeah I'm usually plenty wet but I'm not gonna risk getting thrush again! It's making me unreasonably angry at everything. I'd rather the damn thing hurt than itched. Hooray for shagging! I lolled at come on egg for some reason.

Thanks for the new Fred - marking my place.

I have no news from my vagina - cd5 and the witch has pissed off. I might take my vagina to see the doctors and start the whole let's find out why I can't get upduffed malarkey

Just !!

pretzel I loved conceive plus! I used it for every shag. Bit pricey, but worth it.

Stoat so sorry you're feeling so shit. Loads of for you. Hope you've got painkillers/chocolate/Netflix. If you want to try and laugh, take a look at the funny link to the thread 5shell posted earlier today. Even after a hard meeting with my CEO it really made me smile.

Oh balls, the funny Fred has gone. Hmph.

Haha just

I am annoyed with DH. He's ill and expecting sympathy when he didn't give me any when I was ill at the weekend.

Thanks feathered. To be fair, it's not bad in the sense of pain, I've actually had no symptoms. It's just been a pathetic headfuck of a period, all drawn out because it hasn't had the decency to be normal. I'm just going to POAS on day 28 in future because that'll make my period come, which is what happened today. I don't think I'll have a clue when I'll ovulate or even if I will, I don't know why but the minuscule period I've had is making me worry that i won't.

I really wish there was someone I could go and see about this.

greetings viroids! GX for those that need it and all round just because. Have been absent due to crazy work schedule and trying to avoid the madness. Currently 5dpo and exhausted. Face feels on fire and trying not to focus on the fact that sensitive skin was one of my symptoms with DD...

stoat I'm not sure where you are, or if I'm butting in, but I had a look on the miscarriage association for you and this page lists their support groups

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/support/how-we-can-help/

Would something like this help? Sorry you're feeling crap. All I can say is you're not alone, even if it feels like it, and your feelings are totally normal. I think you're amazing, I don't think I would cope in what I see as a healthy way. Wishing all the luck for you sweetheart, hope things look up for you soon

I am a District Commissioner as well as a Brownie Guider. Email her, or fill in a volunteer enquiry on the Girlguiding website. We need help!

No further news from my vagina.

Any news from your vagina jelly?

How does one get into Brownie leading? That's right up my street!