We may all have the --rabies-- crazies, but we don’t need no ‘hints’ thanks! Grab yourself a (small) cider, get your sex towels at the ready, it’s Just Shagging 47!

[5hell]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory, who wouldn't?)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 46 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2374301-Sod-the-elections-we-want-erections-Were-hoping-our-miroids-will-deposit-their-seed-in-our-lady-gardens-and-well-all-end-up-growing-giblets-Come-and-join-us-on-our-magical-new-bedsheets-its-Jus?pg=1" target="_blank">HERE </a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2380377-JS-viroids-are-here-in-their-28th-outing-complete-with-exploding-belly-buttons-Theres-royal-foofs-and-jiffy-bag-gifts-but-most-certainly-NOT-x-rated-colouring-books-at-the-VAGINA-party-HQ" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2355867-Weve-no-time-for-JSing-Were-battling-green-nappies-sleepless-nights-x-box-playing-men-and-trying-to-hide-our-sling-addictions-Fuck-it-lets-do-a-runner-on-a-golf-cart" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings can be found <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2358940-The-title-of-those-conception-threads-rein-it-in-their-please-ladies?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

Pickle are you absolutely sure? What a bastard :(

And jelly - it's the hormones. Get used to it...that doesn't stop unfortunately

Sending you an enormous unmumsnetty hug pickle. I can't pretend to know how you feel. What an arse

Huge hug from me too pickle :( :( what a cunt.

la it's so weird I always get back to sleep but just couldn't. Oh well.

I really want to tell my nan I'm upduffed but she's in Spain and if I mention the bleeding she will want to come home.

I'm also lurking on the grads Fred lol. Hope that's ok.

I'm not okay at all. I've been suspicious for a while. Confronted him again tonight. He finally showed me all the messages where he says she's better and prettier than me, that he loves her and not me and that he's leaving once he can get organised. He now says he's sorry and he's ending it but I don't know what to do.

On holiday with my parents at the moments too, just want to be home with my cats.

Can you take some time out pickle? Go home to spend some time thinking about what to do? It's not enough to say he's ending it, he has to actually do it! Bloody arse.

God so sorry what a shitty thing he's done to you. If it were me I would want to get away from him and have space to think. Can you do that?

Jelly perhaps keep to yourself just now- you'll have 9 months of people worrying about you. Join grads when you feel ready

Can't get away really. We go home tomorrow evening and then I'm doing 12 days in a row at work. Not sure how I'll concentrate. :-(

pickle sign off work sick due to stress. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I'm so so sorry :(

Pickle omg you poor love! What a twat! Agree that work may not be a priority now.

Yes, pickle if also sign off on health reasons from work. If you don't have enoug sick leave to do that, take at least some of you feel that work will not be good for you. I'm so sorry.

Pickle I am so sorry for you, I do. It know what to say other then we are here for you.

Can I ask, is it just internet chat he's had or have they met up?

What a twunt he is.

Oh Jesus pickle, there are no words. Do you have a friend you can stay with who'll look after you and give you space to think? I've sometimes found it helpful to have work to give me some structure and space when my personal life has been in meltdown. But if you're going to struggle to focus maybe best to get signed off and spend a few days going for some long walks. Great big hugs xx

Radley he's been sleeping with her for months when he's saying he's on call or when I'm at work. He suggested she move up north to be with him when he starts his new job in a few months. Apparently he was "just saying that" to her but how can I believe him now?

I dont have any friends locally to where I live and work really. Feeling terribly alone.

Pickle kick him the fuck out! Why should you have to go anywhere?

If he won't go immediately, could you get an on-call room at work to sleep in for a few days at least?

pickle - I'm so sorry to read this. It's horrible that this has happened to you. Do whatever you need to do just to get through the next few days and weeks - whether you want to rage or be quiet, whatever your feelings are they are completely valid. if you can then ask your real life friends for help - as well as us, as you don't need to feel alone just because that arse hole has done this.

pickle I don't know what to say. He is a fucking idiot. I'm actually angry at him. Did you say you're with your parents. Have you spoken to them? Take some time off work if you need it. Or go in if being busy will help.

Sending lots of unmumsnetty hugs your way. Stay here with us. We're here to listen /help in any way that we can. X

Oh Pickle what a twat Agree 12 days straight may not be what you need to dive into - though it would ensure he has plenty of time to get the fuck out of your life (if that's what you want). For me it might help, a form of distraction.

Jelly lurk away, post when ready. I'm so excited for you!

Sock my hospital doesn't have on call accommodation...but his does so I could ask him to give me some space.

Sense tells me that I need to walk away, but I stupidly still love him. Also the added complication that the idiot had been shagging me all month and now I'm petrified about bringing a baby into this.

pickle what a cunt. What a stupid cunt. I agree, get him to give you some space. How awful darling, there are no words. We are here for you

Haven't told my parents yet because my Dad would kill him and then end up in Hungarian prison. My biggest task at the moment is getting through 12hrs of holiday without crying or vomiting. Then I guess when I'm at home I have time to think. thank you for all your support... I don't know what kind of worse mess I'd have been without being able to share this.

Oh Pickle, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. You are not alone as you have us, please keep talking to us. Is there anyone you can tell in RL too? Definitely ask him to move out for a few days if that's what you need. Can't believe he has been continuing to ttc with you during this, so irresponsible of him, I'm so sorry. Massive hugs xxxxx

Lemon/honey I am in Glos too, and was planning to go to the CFF! Lemon I think you are 5 weeks more upduffed than me so it would actually be awesome to meet up, (especially if there is cake involved!)

Pud, Lemon the evening of the 12th or afternoon of the 14th would be ideal... I am staying with a friend so could meet before or after arriving at hers. Not sure how CFF works, not been before.

Pickle so did he just announce this out of the blue? You say he showed you the messages... Why?! I mean, timing! In a foreign country with your parents is hardly sensible timing. What a twat he is.