Viroids get your Miroid to stick his manjo in your fanjo and the jizz-bombs will go off! They're famous for their super support (and butter fannys), there will be BFPS...it's JSing 44!!

[Hobbit19]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't?

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

The link to Part 42 is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2349170-Our-new-greeting-cards-are-here-Were-making-vaginal-butter-and-baking-in-a-sneaky-shag-from-behind-Our-skittletits-cant-hold-us-back-its-JSing-43?pg=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2356300-The-nice-weather-is-making-us-crave-burning-meat-on-an-outdoor-fire-maternity-leave-is-causing-headache-and-we-are-all-soldiering-on-as-the-heat-is-getting-to-us-here-is-JS-26?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2323427-Just-Mumming-Along-Viroids-4?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="//www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings can be found [www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2358940-The-title-of-those-conception-threads-rein-it-in-their-please-ladies? HERE]]

We are the dark side of MN. Welcome.

Didn't the girl on OBEM have an epidural? I'm sure she did. But yes, she was lovely.

Sunny afternoon and no work. Lovely!

honey they all had epidurals last night yes. I know not one woman who has had an epidural. The bastard midwives always try to talk people out of it in these parts.

Ah did she honey ...I must confess I was watching it and wahsing up at the same time, so only really concentrating when something was soaking. i think i'll carry on imagining she didn't have an epi, then she made it look easy and it isn't so scary ;)

cat my boobs never really got that sore with this pg/MC so perhaps that was a sign that all was not well for me

so I got guilty lunch time sex instead but I'm still pissed off with him!

I only remember as she did say it hurt as baby was crowning and I was confused, as she'd had one. Oh wells, well done her!

I think it should be illegal for midwives to try and "dissuade" anyone from having an epidural unless there are medical reasons why it isn't possible/a really genuinely bad idea.

Obviously if someone doesn't want one it shouldn't be forced on them, but this whole modern trend of it being somehow "shameful" or "lesser" to have pain relief when you are pushing a baby out of your nethers is just utterly sickening.

You know what's also completely "natural" and people have been doing for "millennia" without pain relief?

HAVING YOUR TEETH PULLED OUT WHEN THEY ARE INFECTED

I don't see many advocates for pain free dental work though, or judgement on people who have it!

If we can have a quick jab of anaesthetic for stitches, why not for crowning?

My friend says they will leave a woman pushing for up to five hours. Five! I would die! How are you supposed to look after a baby after that?!

I think women are generally discouraged from having epidurals because it means a stretch on hospital resources - you need a midwife or doctor with you if you have one (to say when to push/how long for) whereas if you don't have one, you don't need that constant medical supervision.

Love OBEM but I always find that by the end (as I'm wiping away my tears) I always have one hand protectively covering my fanjo. I can't be the only one?!

Gives standing ovation to gouda you're quite right! I hear that in the usa and Canada its epidural as standard. Lucky buggers!

Epidural is an intervention. The more interventions, the higher risk of complications. It slows down labour too. But obviously if you need one, you need one.

carrot but you can say the same for every medical instance where pain relief is given. Somehow though it's only women in childbirth that seem to get any judgement over it.

If I'm ever lucky enough to be in the position where I am giving birth my birth plan will be thus:

GET BOTH OF US THROUGH THIS SAFELY

and

GIVE ME ALL THE DRUGS POSSIBLE

carrot is right, it slows down labour, increases risk of baby going into distress and increases risk of needing to deliver by cs which is major surgery. I am probably in the minority here so will duck for cover but I think its wrong so many people opt for an epidural without even trying! women have given birth for millennia, we're made to do it. and I'd much rather push a baby out of my fanjo as God intended than let someone shove a fuck off great needle in my spine. no thank you! eesh. I'm left with a hand protectively covering my back by the end of obem not my nethers!

I'm of the mind of "get it out safely, no matter what" so not really bothered. My friends little girl is 1 week old in about 1 minutes time, and she already says she can't really remember the labour or the pain, just that it hurt.

Arghh the witch has arrived a day early. But thinking positive at least early is easier than late if she's not going to be on time. And I think it means no Christmas baby which is probably better.
But if I am lucky to up duff soon it's going to bugger up my 2016 snowboard season...

Sorry the witch got you nut

I'm in the middle but probably closer to lil's opinion. I don't think there's a problem with having an epidural if you truly can't bear it anymore (I would never rule it out), but I also think it's good for the midwife to let you know that it could delay things. As long as you go in knowing you're entitled to it if you need to I think that's the main thing.

I've always said I like the idea of a water birth but quite frankly whatever is safest and the best option at the time I'd be happy with.

lil - it's totally fair enough you'd rather not have one. I personally hate needles, so can understand that point of view too. I don't get your "...without even trying comment" though. Why should a woman "try" to endure pain, when we never ask anyone else to do it under any other circumstances?

nut - sorry AF got you. Totally agree a day early is better than a day late, letting you get your hopes up. Grr!! Hey, you can totally enjoy the ski season without actually being on the slopes! You can eat all the food when pregnant, right? All the cheese is cooked!

I'm hoping il be able to do it without a epidural, it really freaks me out to lose the feeling from the waist down. Iv never liked any of that even at the dentist.

Yay for guilty lunchtime shags lil sorry the witch got you nut I'm a bit shagged out but might keep going till the weekend. DH seems to be enjoying himself.

I've also heard that with an epidural you're more likely to need forceps/vontuese no idea how you spell that! because you don't have any feeling down there so you don't know when I push and can't feel anything in order to tell your muscles to push. So they need the forceps/vontuese to help get baby out, and therefore more likely to be given episiotomy. ouch!

I just think it's a slippery slope of intervention as soon as you say yes to an epidural. If you're ok with all that then that's fine.

Personally I wouldn't want an epi for that reason, plus cos my spine is abnormally twisted, so I'm mega paranoid actually had nightmares already and I'm not even pg! that they'll put the epi in the wrong bit of my spine and paralyse me!! :-/

I like the idea of a waterbirth, even if I don't manage to give birth in the water, it's helpful for relaxation during the process.

But agreed, at the end of the day the priority is: get me and my baby through this safely!

Good point about the dentist Gouda! Nobody in their right mind would elect to have dental surgery without pain relief!!

Glad you got in a sneaky lunchtime shag Lil Does he work at/near home then? Or did you turn up at the office for a quickie under the desk? ;-)

It's funny how everyone has such differing ideas and beliefs around childbirth. I think that as long as you're armed the the facts surrounding different deliveries then you should be able to make a choice, the problem is sometimes getting those facts.

I have very unmumsnetty ideas on childbirth. I know it's because I go to deliveries when things go wrong and I see what were healthy babies very very very poorly. I wouldn't have a home or a water birth for this reason, and I wince when people say "they can't force you to have an induction, baby will just come when it's ready". Does it mean I'm right about it? Probably not, but that's how I feel.

Pickle I agree being armed with the facts is best. But when you get in there and they're suggesting this method or that method I guess it can become difficult to tell if they're suggesting it cos they think it's quickest/easiest/whatever, or if it's actually what's best for you & baby.
I think a lot of healthcare workers have their own opinions and I wouldn't want them pushing their agenda on me if it's not what's actually best.

Obvs there are lots more healthcare workers

...oops posted to early!

Obvs there are plenty more who ARE giving advice based on what's best for you and baby rather than opinions.

Cheeky lunchtime shag, Lil? Trying to invoke La's Law?

I'm in the middle with epidurals. I hate that they are so common here, the rate in my local hospital is about 80% (though they are better at giving lower doses so you can sometimes still move). I didn't mind the pain of contractions - they have a purpose and that makes them more bearable IMO. They are a procedure that has side effects and, while everything medicine does is like that, I do sometimes think they are given out like smarties without the mums being fully informed. Of course, then there are the units that delay and delay and suddenly it's too late . Middle ground, folks.

A friend of mine ha a v traumatic birth because she felt pressured into having intervention that she didn't want.
But I guess there's no telling that it wouldn't have been equally or more traumatic anyway.
She and baby are fine in the end so that's the main thing I guess.

My sis wants to do "hypnobirthing" -have any of you heard of that too?
(It's not hypnotism, it's more pma towards it and thinking happy thoughts & believing your body can do it). Apparently it can e quite effective, and need minimal pain refined when using that method.
Though I'm skeptical! ..I'll be interested to see how she finds it!