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Husband won't let me have babies!

34 replies

Acceber · 26/10/2006 14:05

Hello everyone, I'm new to the forum. And because I'm here everyone will deduce that I'm desparate for a baby but my husband won't let me. We got married in June and now he says we should wait and enjoy our lives before we have kids. He wants to start trying in 2009! As I'm in control of the contraception I'm having bad, sneaky thoughts about forgetting my pill.... Has anyone done this or is it wrong! wrong! wrong!

OP posts:
lemonAIIEEE · 26/10/2006 14:06

It's wrong, really. How old are you and your DH? Can you talk to him about some kind of compromise between 2007 and 2009 (2008 sounds good to me...)?

moaningpaper · 26/10/2006 14:08

Yes it's wrong.

mumfor1standfinaltime · 26/10/2006 14:11

I didn't want a baby after getting married but dh did. I put it off for 2 years, when suddenly something clicked inside me and I wanted to go for it.
It's impossible to feel the same about every detail in a marriage, your husband may feel scared or worried about how he will support you and the baby. I say chill and don't worry about it, it will happen when the time is right. He may surprise you and want to do it sooner than you think!

Twohootsandapumpkin · 26/10/2006 14:11

Difficult one really - hi and welcome by the way!

I think it would be a bad idea to 'accidentally' get pregnant - not really the start of a great married relationship is it? (Sorry don't mean to be awful but isn't a marriage meant to be based on trust etc).

Did you know that your DH wouldn't want children straight away?

Not sure it has anything to do with it but how old are you? (I know if you want a baby you want one BUT) if you are quite young you could afford to wait a little while??

My DH and I were together almost 10 years before we got married and then 2 years married before we had our DD (was 18 when we met). We did a lot of 'nice' things in that time that we never could have done with children around and it was lovely looking back BUT then on the flipside a child is such a precious thing and they bring their own joys - you can also miss out not having them (but then he hasn't said he doesn't want them - just he wants to wait - 2009 is a long time off btw - are you sure he definately wants kids?).

Not being much help am I? I suppose the biggest question is, whether you knew his 'mind' before you got married? If you did then....

Maybe leave it for a few months and then discuss again early next year - new year, new baby lol!

I am sure someone will be along soon to give you better advice but in the meantime didn't want to ignore you .

expatinscotland · 26/10/2006 14:17

I had a husband who did this to me.

Before I knew it 'some point in the future' and '1999' showed up.

And he still wasn't ready b/c 'things are fine as they are now'.

Well, they weren't for me.

We divorced.

I married someone else and now have two kids.

See a marriage counsellor.

If he won't go, go alone.

Acceber · 26/10/2006 14:18

wow - quick response. Yeah I know it's wrong and I won't do it but it's soooo tempting. we've been together 7 years before we got married and always planned to be trying now, he's just moved the goal posts saying we should start trying in 2009 - 3 years from our old plan. I'm not that old (mid twenties) but I wanted to be a young mum. Have decided to talk to him tonight!

OP posts:
Twohootsandapumpkin · 26/10/2006 14:23

That's not fair - I think you do need to have a good old chat with him. Sounds to me like he isn't that keen (sorry!) and like Expat said, he'll prob try and move the goalposts again when the time comes.

I hope the chat does some good and you get a compromise

charlyp · 26/10/2006 14:27

if you are in your mid twenties you have loads of time and you can still be a young mum if you leave it a year or so. my dh was really struggling with when we would have children because he didn't want our lives to change, we talked about it and am now 9 weeks, am older than you but was happy to start abit later. most important thing was to takl to each other about what we wanted and why it was important to us and to try and reach a compromise that culd work for both of us.

would really advise you don't just let an 'accident' happen, as he will figure it out and I imagine be really angry (rightfully) about it.

Better to discuss why he has changed the goal posts ..

lemonAIIEEE · 26/10/2006 14:31

Agree it's not fair if he's moving the goalposts that much in a "no discussion" manner. I think that you need to talk this through either with just the two of you or with counselling.

Does he have specific things he wants to do before having kids (e.g. go on a particular type of holiday) or is it just a general lifestyle thing? If there are specific things then you could work together on when you are going to do those and then plan the kids for afterwards.

Do your friends of a similar age have children already? I think it's easier on a number of levels if you aren't the first in a group to have children.

If it comes to it, while "forgetting" a pill is wrong, saying "you are the one who doesn't want children, so you are now in charge of contraception" is acceptable (but could be seen as a bit passive-aggressive as a first move, so go for the talking first).

Iklboo · 26/10/2006 14:34

We got married in October 2004 and started trying for a baby in January 2005, figuring it'd take me a while to get pg since (a) I'd just come off t he pill and (b) I was 35.
We reckon I conceived on or around Valentine's day 2005, DS born one week after our 1st wedding anniversary.
Now, I wouldn't be without DS for a million, squillion years BUT with hindsight, I think maybe we could have waited a bit longer and more us time.
But I don't care now of course, cos DS is the bestest bestest bestest

expatinscotland · 26/10/2006 14:59

You've already been together for 7 years.

He told you you'd be trying now.

Now he's just said, 'Nope, we'll see in THREE years.'


I don't see why you should wait just b/c you're in your mid-20s.

See a counsellor.

fishie · 26/10/2006 15:00

are you sure he really means it? dp admits that if it had been up to him there would never have been a 'right' time and he is really grateful that i put my foot down.

JennyLeEVIL · 26/10/2006 15:01

I tried for a baby with my partner for 3 years untill we got ds , so you have to consider what if you get to 2009 and then it takes ages? you don't know untill you try lol. speak to him and tell him how you feel adn ask him to be straight about whether he wants children or not

charlyp · 26/10/2006 15:10

don't think you need to rush off and see a councellor jsut yet, why nott ry talking about your issues with him first, maybe take him out fo the house, have always found dh and I have much more constructive discussions about contentious issues if we are having a dinner or drink somewhere neutral where neither of us can lose our temper or walk away.

cloudexplosion · 30/10/2006 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SSSandy · 30/10/2006 11:29

I don't find it such a great crime to have an "accident" and get pregnant within a marriage to a man you've known for 7 years (!) and when the plan was for you to have a baby around now. I do sometimes wonder just what the point is in getting married if you cannot have even one child (which you can afford and have a home for) until 3 years down the track. I don't think he's being reasonable or fair to you really.

However I don't know him and can't guess how he'll react. It would be very hard to be pregnant and suddenly find yourself alone if the worst came to the worst, wouldn't it?

lulumama · 30/10/2006 11:34

you might find getting pregnant accidentally might be the makings of him..he will love fatherhood and be thrilled !

or he might be distraught you took that decision alone and 'tricked' him into giving you what you want....which might well finish things off.

talk it through first...even if you get pregnant ' by accident'; and tell him it wasn' you honestly think he will believe you..

and then your trust is gone and will be very hard to rebuild....

Pollybloodyanna · 30/10/2006 11:35

I agree with fishie - there probably won't be a right time, but once he has kids he (probably) won't regret it (most of the time anyway )

Uki · 30/10/2006 12:14

Just thought I'd tell you my story
My dh was initially the one that said "maybee we should start trying now" we had been married 8 years and I too had been thinking it was probably time, i wanted a baby before 30 and was 28 then. I had 3 m/c and then a baby 2 months after 30 birthday. Although in retrospect I still think i am a relatively young mum.
Dh is of course enrapt with ds and such a help, i think really because he wanted him. To be honest I think our hormones and all make it easy to become clucky and also we naturally seem to nuture babies. I think this can come out better in men if they want babies themselves and are ready, some men can become detached and closed if not ready.

duchesse · 08/11/2006 10:44

Hi- this sounds like a really difficult dilemma. This never really arose for us because we conceived our first child accidentally on purpose (read- we both knew about contraception and had it, but elected not to use it) at 24. We had been together for 5 years and were very close but not married or living together. We had not talked concretely about having children, only as an abstract concept sometime in the future.

As it turns out, it was the right thing for us, and I don't regret for a moment having them young. At some points when they were very small (we had three in four years), we wished we had waited a little, but that was problably the tiredness talking... I initially told my now husband (we married two months after our first child was born) that if he did not want the baby, I was prepared to bring it up alone.

He said that he loved me and wanted me stay, and fell in love with the baby well before he arrived (ie after a few weeks of pregnancy). He had lost his own father very shortly before all this happened, and reasoned that having children young was probably a very good idea in the circumstances (his own father had been 42 at his birth, abd not in very good health).

Yes, it was a gamble (but, I hasten to say, utterly unintentional), and it is a very individual situation that worked out well in the end (quite quickly actually). Nobody can gauge this situation for you, as only you know your husband's depths, strengths and abilities.

I agree with somebody else who said that he may be scared of the decision itself, however, only you can judge if his attitude is more born of lack of commitment or even, dare I say it, shallowness. I also agree that it could be the making of him.

duchesse · 08/11/2006 10:50

Also, I have two good friends who after being on the pill for a long time, took several years to conceive. You might consider switching to a barrier method for a year or so before you decide to conceive. If your husband says 2009 for a baby, that means ttc from 2008, which would mean coming off pill sometime in 2007 (two months' time!), bearing in mind that barrier methods are often more unreliable ahem than hormonal ones, even correctly used. I personally would discuss every detail with hubandio though, so he is aware of the exact implications of every method.

snowleopard · 08/11/2006 10:51

I'm with fishie. Don't trick him, but do put pressure on him. Why is it his right to decide - what you want, and what you previously agreed, is important too, isn't it? He's probably terrified and will do anything to maintain the status quo because he can't imagine the big life change having babies will involve - and he's not feeling that need inside him like you are, which counteracts the fear of change. Me annd DP were in this situation - him putting it off endlessly - he thought it would be fine to wait until we were 40! And it was just because he's scared of change and likes his lie-ins and his comfort zone, and had no concept of what having a baby would be like so decided to stick his head in the sand. I woke up on my 34th birthday and said "I want us to start trying NOW" and went on about it non-stop. Like your DH, he wasn't saying "no babies", he was just saying "not yet" and I pointed out we did not have forever and I was sick of waiting. Now he is a happy and committed parent. Talk to your DH about how important this is to you and how much he'll love it once it happens. Don't buckle under - what you want matters too.

spinamum · 08/11/2006 11:09

Agree. Don't trick him. Not a healthy choice,but I do understand what you mean!

My DH and I didn't try for our first son,but just didn't try not to IYKWIM. We were the first in a lot of our diff groups of friends to conceive and that does make a differance to the man(sorry is that sexist?) He still thinks he's missing out on some mad social life that noone is actually having. We are pg with number 2. (ttc for about a year,but again Dh is in denial that we were trying!) He's a great dad but fundimentally is still in some frame of mind that won't let him accept that our kids were planned(more so with no 1 TBH) Lots more of our friends have kids now and he seems more accepting of being a parent.(He is a brill dad in case I've not emphasised that and loves our sons!)

I think the point I'm trying to make is that maybe ,as someone already mentioned. your DH is just feeling a bit scared of being THAT grown up and missing out on life. maybe talk to him about being more casual about birth control and let nature take it's course. (Relaxing about it actually helped to get pg 2nd time around)

maewest · 08/11/2006 11:38

It's really important for you to talk to your DH about how he feels about starting a family. I was the same age as you when I started to feel broody (and had been with DH for about the same amount of time, got together young). When I first brought the subject up I didn't get a great response. I then left it a while and got a bit uptight about it - kept going round in my head that he didn't want kids EVER. Then I tackled him again and we really talked, not just on one occasion, took a while. We talked about what our fears and hopes were, he really felt the responsibility of starting a family, was worried about his job, being a good enough father etc. We then came to an agreement that I would not renew my pill when my prescription ran out (about 6 months in the future). I came off the pill and we applied a wait and see approach to conception and had some great sex. When after 6 months I phoned him at work to tell him the test was positive he was over the moon. Our DS is now 3 months old and DH is the most devoted father you could imagine (was pretty fab during labour too).

What I'm saying is that you need to get to the bottom of why he wants to wait - does he realise how important this is to you? What are his worries, and can these be overcome?

poppynic · 08/11/2006 12:00

I started wanting a baby when I was 28. I was 33 when I met my current partner. We both "knew" it wouldn't work because he defo didn't want children and I defo did. However we got on well and couldn't seem to break up. Eventually I decided I would have to as I was now 35 and desparate to be in a relationship where I could have a baby. I told him we would break up after our planned holiday, I was going off the pill, and he would have to use condoms. He hated them, got slack and I got lucky. Even though I never "tricked" him, he really resented the fact that I "allowed" myself to get pregnant. The entire pregnancy and most of the first year was hell. However, now he loves being a father and "gave" me a birthday card "voucher" for a second baby on my 40th birthday - conceived that night - at my age you can't muck around....

I absolutely would NOT recommend "forgetting" to take the pill. Surely a relationship has to be based on trust, if nothing else. As you say, I think it's wrong! wrong! wrong!

I think lots of men are scared of losing their freedom and maybe now it's right in his face he is frightened. I suggest lots of talking and, if that gets you no further, counselling can't hurt. I also find when men's friends start having babies they start to think they can do it too. - Do you have any friends in the family way?

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