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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Sensible age to start trying?

55 replies

justausername · 12/12/2013 09:05

Hi ladies, I'm after some advice. I'm 32, and my husband and I are thinking of TTC at the start of 2015 (i.e. I would be 34.5 when giving birth, IF I conceive quickly). We'd like to have two kids so I'll be pushing late 30's by the time our family is complete (again, this is with all going smoothly).

I'm just quite worried that we're going to leave it too late. My mum had her menopause when she was in her late 30's, although my sister who is older than me has not had early menopause. I'm not sure we're ready now, but if it's a case of trying for kids now, before we're fully ready, or possibly not having them at all because we left it too late, I'd rather try now, after all there's nine months to prepare! Then I think that we'd be TTC in one year, which really isn't long in the grand scheme of things.

I'd just be really keen to hear all your thoughts as this has been on my mind a lot lately! Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
moggle · 12/12/2013 15:05

but that's the benefit of hindsight. Of course if it takes ages you are going to wish you started sooner. Knowing what I know now, I think we should've started TTC a year before we actually did, but realistically if I'd got pregnant immediately then I would probably never have finished my Phd which would have meant a monumental waste of my time over the previous 2-3 years. Although I agree there's never a perfect time, for me that would've sucked bigtime and that's why we waited til I'd almost finished. There are plenty of women who still manage to get pregnant pretty quickly even in their 30s. You just have no idea in which camp you are going to fall, that's the problem. Even fertility testing is only of limited assistance in helping make decisions. It's such a minefield.
Fwiw in one way I'm glad we are a bit older, if we were going through this 5 years ago we'd have no money saved up and zero treatment options apart from the nhs.

Cavort · 12/12/2013 15:09

We started TTC for the first time when I was 34 years, 4 months. Got pregnant at 34 years, 5 months. Make sure you are ready, it might not take as long as you think. Smile

Bakingtins · 12/12/2013 15:17

You are quite likely to go through menopause at a similar age to your mum (you don't say whether your sister is already older than she was at menopause?) and can be peri-menopausal for the preceding 10 years, so I'd say you have no time to lose, particularly if you want more than one child.
I had my first child at 31, and due to multiple MC and one long stretch where we unsuccessfully TTC will be nearly 40 when I have my 3rd, if current pregnancy works out. You might not get neat 2 yr gaps! That's without any worries about menopause, my mum was in her fifties at menopause and my fertility when tested was still ok late thirties.
I'd say the same to anyone in their thirties - if you want kids, get on with it - but with the added threat of early menopause, what are you waiting for?
I have colleagues in their mid thirties who are blithely assuming they can leave it another few years and I want to knock their heads together. They're not asking my opinion so I keep schtum, but you are, so there it is.

bordellosboheme · 12/12/2013 15:19

Noooo don't wait, especially if you want more than one. Had my first at 34, about to start ttc again for dc2. Ideally I would have done this 10 years earlier!

mrswalker13 · 12/12/2013 16:15

Don't wait. If a family is what you both want, start now. Especially if you're using the pill / injection / implant... It might have disguised things that will end up a hurdle e.g. PCOS.

Mattissy · 12/12/2013 16:34

I think you need to decide how you'd feel if you never had children, I'd have been fine if I hadn't had children which is why it was ok for me to wait, iyswim.

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 12/12/2013 16:58

Don't wait if a family is what you both want. Especially if you want more than one. I agree with Matissy - if you are less certain of having children, by all means wait. I don't think you can ever be sure of the timing, but you should be sure of the principle.

Firstly, you have a family history of early menopause. Having a mother with early menopause is the single biggest indicator that you are at risk of that happening to you too. Once you go into menopause, whatever the papers imply, the chances of fertility treatment enabling you to carry your own genetic child fall massively (most of the success stories you see are with donor eggs, which is a very, very difficult path to tread in this country in terms of availability, etc). Basically, fertility treatment works best on people who otherwise have a good profile for having children: women of the right age group with partners of the right age.

You are 32 now and will be 33 when you start trying. You are assuming that everything will go smoothly. If not, it's generally a year of trying before you will be referred. So that's 34. Then maybe another year before you get to the point of starting a cycle of IVF (investigations, etc. Others will know more about this time period than me, I'm just basing it on friends' experiences). So that's 35. Say it works reasonably quickly, giving birth at 36.5. You are massively pushing it to manage a no. 2 pre-40, especially if you don't immediately have the financial means to go for private IVF.

Even without major problems a common time line might be (this is a real example from a friend of mine who wouldn't say her situation was particularly remarkable):

  • 6 months of trying
  • A miscarriage at 11 weeks;
  • 3 months of getting her head around it ready to start trying again;
  • Around 3 months of trying again;
  • Baby 9 months later;
  • 3 years before she felt ready to try for no. 2 as no. 1 was a very poor sleeper;
  • Around 6 months trying again;
  • Baby no. 2

That's 5 years from when she started trying to staring to try for no. 1 to TTC no 2, and around 6.5 years from starting to TTC no. 1 to completing her family. A timeline like that would take you well past when your mother had her menopause wouldn't it?

I know quite a few mums from my old, professional bit of London who had their first child significantly post-35. Many of those conceived easily and it all seemed quite rosy to me and a bit scaremongering the way people tell you to get on with it. However, 5 years later many of those either had DC2 far quicker than they wanted (because they were scared of declining fertility) or haven't managed to have a second child. Obviously, sometimes those scenarios can't be avoided (e.g. meeting your partner later), but it's worth bearing in mind if you are making an active choice on timings.

Also bear in mind that, for many women, their fertility falls massively a full 10 years before their menopause. My mum had an early menopause and this was very much on my mind when we decided to TTC at 29.

sebsmummy1 · 12/12/2013 17:32

Penguin describes my situation perfectly. You can get very focused on your first baby but give no thought to how old you will be when you may wish to have a second or a third.

Many of us TTC#2s are struggling as we are older and may have completed extended breast feeding (do not believe them when they say you can fall pregnant easily when nursing ). It's rare unless you are in your teens/twenties.

So a timeline could easily go;

32 - start trying
33 - conceive
33/34 give birth and breast feed
34/35/36 - breast feeding and TTC again
36 - quit breast feeding now TTC solely
36 - fall pregnant but miscarry this pregnancy
37 fall pregnant again with second

Can you see how time can just disappear on you?

KitKat1985 · 12/12/2013 17:54

I would probably start TTC now to be honest. If things don't 'run smoothly' and you struggle to conceive or have an early menopause like your mother, I think you will end up regretting waiting. I don't want to bang on about biological clocks and things but it is a factor. I don't think you are ever 'ready' for kids if that's all that is holding you back. Good luck with whatever you decide. x

Makinglists · 12/12/2013 18:04

I would go for it now. I have 2 Ds and am still not really ready at the grand old age of 44. I had DS1 at 36 and then 2 years later went for DS2 unfortunately we had quite a few probs but DS2 finally arrived when I was 41. You never know how it will go and hopefully it will be very smooth but if you do have any problems then time will still be on your side if you go for it now.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

ZingChoirsOfAngels · 13/12/2013 22:24

I wouldn't wait any longer, get shagging!Grin

if you want a second you'll be over 35 when TTC or conceive - increased risk of MC, Down syndrome, twins etc.

not saying at all that you shouldn't try to TTC over 35, but the sooner the better.

(FWIW I was 35 when I had DS5, 37 when DD was born and #7 will be born the month before my 40th birthday.
Definitely last one, I really feel like Mortaugh: "I'm getting too old for this shit"!Grin )

IrnBruTheNoo · 14/12/2013 21:05

Worried at 21 I would not fall pregnant (health reasons).

Had my first at 24. Fertility should not be taken for granted, seriously.

VivaLeBeaver · 14/12/2013 21:12

Leading obstetricians now say that leaving it till 35 is too risky from an infertility point of view and they'd recommend to ttc before 30 if possible.

ElderStateswoman1 · 14/12/2013 23:44

Gosh. Bursting with positivity about starting at 37! May as well concrete up my womb now ??

Crazycat77 · 15/12/2013 00:01

37 in January....been trying 4 months...not had positive result yet!....fertility is about the only thing you can't control....get going n make sure you both want the same thing!

ZenNudist · 15/12/2013 00:27

January 2014 a great time to TTC. That way if you do fall straight away you can still have a drink next Christmas! Also you'd have an older baby in a school year which can be advantageous.

Think 'not trying' without birth control is called for here. If it doesn't happen you'll still be on track for 2015. Don't be surprised if it starts to bother you that you get your period.

I did 'just shagging' and felt sad at first period and thought it was going to get emotionally draining every time I was still not pregnant. Then I got pregnant on next cycle. I was 31. My doctor said fertility declines sharply after 37 and I wanted the option on a decent gap.

You might not feel up to having dc2 straight away. I am 35 now with dc2 due soon.

Waiting another year is a big gamble. I was lucky & got pg at the drop of a hat twice. Lots of my friends were first time mums around 36/37 as it took ages TTC.

LastOneDancing · 15/12/2013 00:46

Crazy and Elder - please don't be disheartened by this thread! Lots of women have no trouble at all conceiving in their mid 30's (5 of my circle of friends are evidence of this!) but it's a fact of life that fertility does decline, hence all the encouragement for OP trying sooner rather than later if she's in a good place to do so!

Good luck to you both Thanks

ThatWayMadnessLies · 15/12/2013 21:05

I know lots of people who got pregnant first month of trying so you do need to be prepared for that but we started at 32 and I am now expecting our first at 35. So glad we didn't wait any longer. Would have been nice to be expecting our second just now.

seamermaid · 16/12/2013 01:42

I started trying at the age of 31 somewhat reluctantly (my DH was ready before me). I will be 36 in January and we still haven't conceived and now I am v ready. Do I wish I had started trying earlier, probably not... but sometimes life doesn't turn out the way you planned.

Eletheomel · 16/12/2013 08:25

Just to confirm what lastonedancing says, you can't know how your fertility is going to pan out which is why I would say don't wait if you and your partner know it's what you want, as some folk will fall quickly, others wont.

A good friend of mine had her first at 38, second at 39 and third at 41, in each pregnancy she fell within 2 months of trying. Fertility is very individual - the advice about trying early gives you a chance to hopefully get a positive result before it's too late, but some couple will be very fertile in their late thirties/early forties - the thing is, you just don't know until you start trying.

Starting at 37 doesn't mean you've missed the boat at all, just means that you might not get that much time to try 'naturally' (due to the lack of fertile time left) and you might start fertility treatment/assessment earlier. As far as I know, they say that if you are over 35 and haven't conceived in 6 months you should visit your GP (if you're under 35, they give you a year of 'shagging' before suggesting you visit the docs and if you're in your early twenties I think they don't worry until it's been 3 years). Wishing elder and crazycat (and everyone else ttc-ing) all the best.

m33r · 16/12/2013 18:59

It's a tough one: fwiw - I'm 30, DH is 42. We've been ttc for 12 months. 3 minth's 'aware' of dates etc; 3 months 'really trying'; 6 months opks, cm etc and first fertility tests. Now just hoping every month. Good luck whatever you decide.

Armadale · 16/12/2013 19:08

If you are both sure you want 2 children, I wouldn't wait. Your mum's menopause for one reason, and for the other just the fact that a small percentage of women have trouble TTC or with MC, but you don't know if you will be in this small percentage until you start trying, so it is best to give yourself some leeway so that if there was a problem, you still have time to sort it out, if that makes sense.

I say that as someone who started TTC at 35 and has lost 5 consecutive pregnancies, no history of it in my family and no reason why it has happened that they can find. I am 6 weeks PG again now, and if this one is a keeper, it will be born over 4 years after we started trying, which we did not see coming.

m33r · 16/12/2013 19:31

armadale I have everything crossed for you xx

Armadale · 16/12/2013 19:44

thanks, m33r, that is really kind...I have first scan on Thursday

Dangermouse1 · 16/12/2013 19:44

To be a lone dissenting voice, there is obviously a reason why you initially decided to wait, what was it? I know a fair few people who got pregnant within weeks, before they were at all prepared as they had assumed it would take months. I personally wouldn't start TTC unless you are 100% sure you want to be pregnant right away. And fwiw, the 9 months of pregnancy may well be 3 months feeling horribly ill, 3 months shopping/decorating and another 3 feeling ill. Then you have a newborn. It's not as much time as you think if you were planning to move house / get promoted / travel the world or whatever first.