How do you stay positive month after month?

[AnnaKissed]

As the title says really. I have been TTC for a year or so, on and off, with no luck. We have a DS so not infertile and no problems showing up in medical tests, but every month when my period comes, I feel so down. Like I might as well give up TTC and accept that my son will be an only child. We wanted a small age gap and he's almost three already so every month the potential gap is getting bigger. Just had huge argument with DH as he thinks I am being too negative about the whole thing, but I find the monthly disappointment so hard to cope with. Any tips? Or sympathy?

Ttc #1 cycle 12.

shiegal I heard the opposite and the female O creates hormones with an unfriendly ph for swimmers. I do tend to O but am now using preseed hoping to redress the ph balance... In short, I wouldn't worry. Think its luck of the draw pure and simple !

Sympathy to you all ladies! I am on the same boat! My 3 sisters have had babies, my brother just had his first! We all live in different countries and they keep saying 'we have to meet with all the kids'. And yeah, very nice, but I'm the sad one that has nothing but overtime at work :(

Solaia, I also struggled keeping it to myself. I recently spoke to my mum and one of my sisters about it and tbh it was a huge weight off my shoulders. They were very lovely and warm, that helps.
We'll get there!
xxx

Another sympathiser here. I avoid the ttc threads outside of the 2ww, and even then sometimes I don't pop in or do but only for the last few days. I'm on 24 months now with 2 mc's and feel pretty hopeless about it all. I can become quite depressed.

I find it helps me to get my mind focused on another target, introducing exercise has helped a lot with that. I've always been a happy size 10/12 and didn't need to diet or exercise to maintain it. Then I gained a lot of weight from pregnancies and being too down to eat sensibly, so now I do monthly measurements and weigh ins so I have something different to "look forward to" and I feel a sense of pride in getting my body back bit by bit. I have also taken up cooking, getting a new recipe and trying something different and challenging. When it goes well it's another thing to feel proud about.

I keep my suffering to myself, just drop a word to OH now and then to explain my moods from time to time. But I didn't find talking helped as the people I spoke to had babies and I couldn't handle it. I know what it's like to get that text Anna. It's so emotionally complex.

I'm in the 2ww now, but for me each month is about worrying that I won't get pg or worrying that I will but it will be another tragic, soul destroying experience.

Oh, um... got a little down there sorry everyone!

Don't apologise for being down lifes.

Mn is a nice little safe place. I'm having more clomid fun, snapping at lovely DS and DH. DH has been a bloody saint with me but I feel like a horrid person. I hate the drugs, I hate what they do to me.

Hi everyone,

Sorry to crash your thread, but I was really looking for some support after today; we've been TTC for 9 months now and today AF started, right on time but I was so hopeful this month :(

We have the CBFM, I definitely OV'd this month (or so my little stick told me, anyway!), my CD3 and CD21 blood tests were fine and altogether everything is ok other than the lack of a BFP..... just so frustrated, upset and angry when everyone bloody else seems to have kids with no problems at all. Don't get me wrong, I know this isn't true, but at times like these I lack perspective!

OH had a sperm test a few years ago (when he was TTC with a previous partner) and was told his sperm count was medium - not high but not low either. He's not keen to have another one but at this rate I think I will nag him until he does, not least because we wouldn't get any fertility treatment until that bit's been established! I think the only positive thing I could find to do today was make another GP appointment, they did tell me to come back at the end of the year if we'd had no luck TTC, so I now have an appointment on 06/12.

Off to search MN for some other things to try, mainly to stop myself wailing. OH tells me that he has a (female) friend coming over tonight - for various reasons we don't live together yet, I'm moving in next month - so whilst the sensible thing to do would probably be to go over there and stop wallowing, all I actually want to do is stay at home and sob!

Sigh. Good luck all......

Hey Ruby

Sorry to hear that you are feeling down - day of AF is always hard to deal with. I totally sympathise with knowing that AF is on her way but still hoping for a BFP.

I always tend to come on this forum on the day of AF and the support helps me through.

I have been TTC for 14 months with no luck but have started taking tips from here so I feel i am doing something to help get that BFP.

Here are some things I have started:
*evening primrose capsules day of af to ovulation to help with EWCM

• cutting caffeine completely and only drinking water - again to help EWCM
• pineapple core 1dpo-5dpo
• acupuncture
• reading a book called trying to get pregnant and succeeding by Marisa peer which is focussing on positive mental attitude

I find scouring MN and the net for success stories helps too. In the meantime don't feel bad for wallowing, it happens to the best of us. But remember the start of af also means a new month TTC and fingers crossed this will be your month you get your bfp!

Good luck

Not crashing Ruby, the more the merrier ( or the more the miserabler!). I wish I had wise words to cheer up like Shoegal but I started this thread cos I find it so hard to stay cheerful.

The only positive I can say is it's such a roller coaster that there ARE ups as well as downs. I'm currently waiting for my first post-clomid ovulation and the disappointment of a couple of weeks ago is behind me. Kind of thinking I don't want an august baby (the usual reason plus where I live it's 50c in summer!) so I don't mind if is doesn't work this month, so the pressures off a bit.

Also I am thinking of selling my pram, as a friend reckons that that will make me more like to conceive just because of Sod's law. Now that is crazy!

Hi Anna,

I agree with the ups and downs...I have massive ups and downs! Had a mmc in September and have really noticed extreme hormone changes are having a big effect on my moods!

We are ttc #1 for 7 months (3 months were the bfp that didn't stick) I go through all the emotions under the sun in a month and have really low points but it helps me to think....this is the hormone low! Mainly a couple of days after ov and a week before af really.

I am better at work as I don't think about ttc unless a pregnant lady walks past but I am worse at home alone because I feel like my life has lost a bit of purpose since the mmc.

Current try to take my mind off it techniques, watching a box set, reading a book, pre Xmas strict diet, booked a short break.

Xx

I take it all back. Have just found out someone very close to me is pregnant and got their bfp straight away. I'm gutted!

It's understandable shoegal especially if they are very close so the pregnancy and baby and everything will be a constant reminder of what you don't have... YET! But you will have it sometime.

To distract you with a story, I've just been to see my gynaecologist again. It's definitely not like the NHS here, her bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired! On my first visit she barked at me "well you are FAT!" when I start talking about the problems TTC i'm 11 stone ok, but not morbidly obese! I now have to go bad every two days to see her for an internal scan until I ovulate. Oh my goodness, I'm not sure I want a baby that much! (Of course I do, but she is a nightmare...) I miss the nice gentle doctors in England.

Thanks everyone, lovely to hear words of support. I haven't told anyone that we're TTC as I didn't want the pressure, but even so the occasional 'helpful' comment from friends such as "are you going to have kids? You don't want to leave it too late!" is still hurtful, I'd rather come on here and let off steam!

Shoegal, thank you for the tips. I think you're entirely right, it's good to feel like you're doing something to help. I did the EPO last month and am trying flaxseed this month (mainly because I have some tablets left and none of the EPO!) and will go back to reflexology soon, I had a few sessions but then my reflexologist moved house and has only just got herself sorted again. I had a look for the book but sadly my local library doesn't have it and it's super expensive on Amazon! The Kindle edition is cheapest and I have a very old Kindle, would I be missing out on any pictures/ charts etc if I bought it for my (technologically challenged!) Kindle?

I've ordered 'Natural solutions to infertility: how to increase your chances of conceiving and preventing miscarriage' by Marilyn Glenville from the library as I saw it recommended on here, hopefully that will be helpful too.

Great suggestions from Anna and Chosen too - Anna, I am 11st as well and whilst it only puts me as slightly overweight for my height (5' 5") I need to lose at least half a stone, I'm just in denial!! Cake is too nice :(

Ho hum. tomorrow is another day and all that, and thank you all again for your help. I think my first step is to convince OH to have a sperm test - something he's dead against - as if we have to go for further tests, that's something the doctors will ask for straight away anyway. I don't want to sound defeatist but I'm already looking into IVF and other solutions, I just can't see us being lucky enough to have a baby any other way.

By the way Shoegal - sending you big hugs, I've been there with the friend who's got their BFP straight away, I had to look happy for them and it wasn't easy at all!! xxx

Thanks guys. I'm feeling better today. I've decided if I get my bfp soon then it will actually be nice to be pregnant and have kids the same age range.

Ruby there aren't any pics or charts so you won't miss out on anything. It's all text based. There is a script for you to read daily and to help with your visualisation.

Oh by the way Anna I am around the same weight as you and Ruby. I asked both the doc and gynecologist if my weight was impacting conception and they both said no.

Finally Ruby it would be helpful if you can get your partners sperm test done. We were so nervous before DH got his and assumed the worst and were relieved when they came back clear. If there is an issue at least you can address it.
Also if you have to see your GP after 1 year (fingers crossed you don't) the GP won't do anything until they have your partners results. My DH got tested at 9 months but told his GP we had been trying for over a year and got an appointment very quickly. The tests got sent to our local hospital which took a couple of weeks to send the results.

Thanks Shoegal, you're a star perhaps the Kindle edition would be better anyway so my OH can't be nosy at what I'm reading!!

Sigh..... I definitely think OH needs to have his sperm test done, but he's very reluctant. I've tried to explain that it's more to rule that out as an issue rather than 'blaming' anyone, but I think he's worried in case there IS an issue. The last one he had done said his sperm count was average; at the time he was trying for kids with his last girlfriend, and unfortunately she lied to him about it for several years and was on the Pill the whole time so now his attitude is "what will be will be" - this is very bloody irritating when you're trying to talk to him about tests, believe you me......

Anyhow, I had my CD4 blood test done again today so will probably have a cracking bruise from that later! Perhaps he'll agree to do his test as at least it'll be more enjoyable than any I have to have?!

We have been TTC dc2 for 14 months.
I had a hunch that something was wrong, in fact I feel quite strongly that we won't have anymore children. We conceived ds the first month of trying so there was no reason to feel like this really but as soon as I had him I said dh we won't have anymore. Sadly it looks like I was right.
We went and had tests after three months TTC as I was so convinced there would be a problem and sure enough dh has extreme male factor infertility. A reasonable count but basically no viable sperm. Ds was some sort of miracle it appears. We have bee told our chances of natural conception are nil. We will need Ivf plus icsi if we are to have any hope of having another child.

I'm still in two minds although we have started down that path and the reason I'm in two minds is because if that "feeling." I feel like it's been proved right so far, if we spend £21k on icsi (three cycles) are we likely to be successful? And I think probably not. I'm trying to reconcile myself to no ore children but it's hard. I volunteer and a lot of the families I see have several children and tbh aren't doing the best job. I find it really hard when I find out a mother who has abused her other children is pregnant AGAIN. There is no justice when it comes to TTC unfortunately.

Hi there,
sorry for intruding. Just wanted to express my sympathy with all of you who are trying for a baby. I can completely empathise with a lot of what has been said and will try to take lifes and chosen's idea of focusing on something positive on board.

I do get sucked into monitoring things so maybe focusing a little more on work and getting back to fitness might be a good idea.

We are trying for #1, only 3rd cycle, really, but I guess the issue is that I have been trying for the last 6 months and my boyfriend only for the last 2 months. To explain, we have been together for 18 months but I have wanted a family for such a long time and when we got together I told him straight away that the plan was to get pregnant within 2 years. So I needed him to be aware of that (and agree with it) not to waste any of our time. So, to me, it feels like I've been trying for the last 18 months because I knew this one would have to be it.

Anyway, I can't keep things to myself and given that my mother has pointed out my approaching end of shelf life (I'm 35) for the last 5 years and kept asking about a baby pretty much every phone call from the beginning of the year, I told her that we're trying but nothing's been happening. And I told my best friend whose pregnancy threw me into a depression (rather selfish, I know but we worked it out as she is the bestest), so I do have people to talk to but, of course, they have no idea what it is like. My boyfriend has even told his colleagues at work which i found difficult given that his work environment is so incredibly competitive and steeped in macho attitudes.

So, I've been reading pages like this now and then but have been trying not to read too much about other people's seemingly effortless pregnancy stories. But today my period arrived and as it is early it will mean that the next cycle is written off too as I am away from home for another 2 1/2 weeks. And at the same time, there are at least two more friends with pregnancy news and several more with newborns around.

My question though, apart from the ups and downs, how do you manage to keep the TTC from dominating every aspect of your life? What about planning holidays? Long-term projects at work? Commitment to sports teams which would not work once pregnant etc.?

I do admire everyone who can stay positive and totally understand the downs and probably will treat myself to Hunger Games and a glass of wine tonight in response to stupid period.

Hi Beijaflor - just wanted to say welcome , you are in the right place for support!! I was so disappointed when AF arrived last Friday, I must have been a grumpy cow all day at work, but better that than sobbing I thought!

I'm 36 and whilst not in exactly the same position - I wasn't sure until I met my current OH two years ago that I DID want children - I'm upset every time I hear about another friend with a baby now, as we've been TTC for nine months. It feels very unfair doesn't it? Some people don't seem bothered at all about their kids, whereas we would love a baby, it would be so cherished.

Sending you big hugs anyway, please stay around to let us know how you get on. I've hardly told anyone that we are TTC, only one friend who got pregnant first month she tried (at 38!) who now can't understand why it's taking us so long - grrrrr.....

Mittens - sorry to hear your story too. Is there nothing else the doctor can suggest short of you paying for IVF privately?

I'm now 33% of the way through the Marisa Peer book, Shoegal (or so my ancient Kindle tells me!) and it's interesting isn't it? Part of me thinks positive thinking can never be a bad thing, but the (cynical) part of me thinks that if we don't succeed in getting a BFP, Marisa will be able to say that we weren't positive enough - hmmmm!

Sounds like I don't want to read that book ruby, as I started this thread after my husband accused me of not being positive enough - the last thing I want is a book telling me that too!

To answer your question beijaflor about planning ahead while TTC, I now just assume I won't be pregnant and carry on as normal. Maybe it's not the best thing to do, but I have been through several points where I thought I would be preg by then, and I wasn't, so I prefer not to think about it now. However I am currently a SAHM, and I'm thinking about returning to work, but then I think I might as well stay off work now if I'm TTC. But I dunno... (I'm in the Middle East and maternity leave is 50 days here. )

LOL Anna the book is interesting, and I do agree that it's more productive to have a positive mental attitude, but I can't help thinking that all the positive thinking in the world won't do me much good if there's medical reasons why we couldn't have a baby!

Sorry Beijaflor, I forgot to reply to that bit of your post, but I agree with Anna - I proceed as though I won't be pregnant on the grounds that if (er, when!) I'm PG I won't mind missing out on stuff

Hi can I join?? Big hugs to everyone! We've been ttc dc213 months now dc1 conceived very easily! So frustrating! I have my 21 day bloods next week, still been Dtd trying to conceive this month but does seem a but pointless! Weirdly I don't find af to bad almost a relief as I've convinced myself it's not going to happen but can feel my hopes getting up and do endless pg tests and when the witch comes at least it's over iyswim anyway, good luck ladies hope it works out for us all soon!!!

Hi ladies,
Just thought I'd put this out there as a few of you are talking about sperm checks for your OH's. Boots (in England) have just started doing an at home sperm checker. Might help if your OH is reluctant to see a doctor...
Thoughts are with you all, can't really offer any other advice. Sending you all love and luck x

Thank you laravh for the support :)

How are you feeling now Beijaflor? I hope if nothing else, this thread has shown you that you're not alone in how you feel - I was so frustrated about the whole situation and didn't feel like there was anyone in RL that I could talk to about it. MN has been fab in showing me that there are kind, helpful people out there in the same boat.

I've been working on my Marisa Peer book, and I have to say Shoegal, I think it's helped - thanks for the recommendation! Yesterday the OH and I had a (light hearted!) argument about names (he's never picking any, poor kids!!), and we had a really good chat about it this morning. He said that after his last girlfriend lying to him about them being TTC for 5 years, he'd got to the stage where his thought was "what will be will be". I've been trying to make him understand that that mindset was useful originally, but now our way of thinking should be: we both want kids and it's more than likely we can have them - so try thinking about it that way instead! Which seems to have made him more positive about it all.

Oh and bizarrely, my CBFM showed a 'High' today at CD9 - last month it was CD14, the month before that it was CD12 - so either Marisa is working her magic, or it's all the vitamin B6 I've been guzzling!!

Here i am again, sorry for being awol. Thanks for the lovely words Ruby and AnnaKissed. I am feeling a bit better, I have to, to be honest because I have a tendency to be be fearful and hide and that affects everything.

Anna, I am also a bit ambivalent about the whole positive thinking attitude but this is also because I think, that, in recent years, too much blame has been put on individuals (and often enough women) for not having the right attitude. I should probably have a look at the book before I judge it, though. To me, a more positive attitude means being more compassionate with myself. So, that is what gets me through the dark moments. So, Anna, in my light moments, I try to remind myself that it is ok to be frustrated, sad, desperate, fearful and all of these things, I try to accept it and then it is not quite so hard to bear. And then it passes. (As this month's down time has passed).

Ruby, did you put the high CBFM to good use? (I don't even know what that means as I haven't kept up with all the abbreviations on here). I hope the positive thinking on your and your husband's part hangs on for a while. (Sorry if I'm not making much sense, I've hardly spoken English for the last 3 weeks and it isn't my first language anyway, so things might come out a bit jumbled up.) I can also understand the issue about different mindsets. The boyfriend has realised that maybe, after all, it is time to say goodbye to wild parties and settle down. He feels like his friends are leaving him behind, so maybe there will be a little bit more conviction in the baby project. He has so far always claimed that he is lucky in everything he does and this should therefore apply to conception too and this hasn't proved to be the case.

But he's agreed to a plan: I'll be stopping by at a drugstore to get all the equipment (ovulation kits, sperm test kits, all kinds of kits - so thanks laravh for the tip) and I've got an appointment with a doctor I trust, so that makes me feel a bit better.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks to all who is writing here. Sending you all lots of sunshine and the sound of the sea.

Hi Beijaflor, I hope you are feeling a bit better now? And of course I hope that everyone else is too :)

I am CD21 today and somehow don't think that this has been our month, despite all the positive thinking - sigh. Mind you, this is based on my assumption that if I was PG then I would just know(?!) so I could of course be completely wrong! Went out for dinner the other night and there was a couple there who are expecting their first baby in March after 3 years of TTC, which is inspiring. I don't know them very well so couldn't ask them if they'd had any tests etc, but they are very happy indeed.

After my last trip to the doctors I'm starting to worry that the issue is with my OH and not me - not that there necessarily IS an issue, but everything seems ok from my side and apparently 40% of fertility issues are from the male side, therefore I do wonder! Part of my positive thinking talks with him are to (sneakily) make him think about how nice it will be when we DO have a family; if we have to have tests/ further investigations/ go down the IVF or similar route, then with any luck it will make him more receptive to everything, if he just sees it as a means to an end.

I will keep thinking positively in the meantime, and try not to shout at OH if he comes out with his irritating "what will be, will be" phrase!!

Hi Ruby,

thanks for posting, was wondering whether I had upset people...
I am feeling better, I think. I am now back home after 4 weeks away so the TTC can start again but I got back too late for this cycle to be the lucky one. There go my dreams of being pregnant by Christmas.

I understand that you're wondering whether your OH might be a contributing factor. I have been trying to plead speak to my boyfriend about this, too after searching the internet and freaking out about being 'diagnosed' with a 20% of falling pregnant within a year. I sneakily send my boyfriend links about crazy things that families do like this one: theberry.com/2013/11/19/parents-convince-their-kids-that-dinosaurs-come-to-life-at-night-8-photos/ (which you have probably seen). The idea is that he realises life is not over once there is a baby in the mix, which is his current mantra. He is very a bit scared, I think, and wants to have everything ready in our new house which makes for very stressful weekends. But I guess I need to stay calm and mindful and compassionate. Fingers crossed for Christmas.

Hope your OH agrees to some tests. laravh mentioned Boots tests for men, other people on MN said they only measure quantity not quality - so might be a temporary solution to provide peace of mind but if things are not so positive you might have to go for more extensive tests later on... So, yes, keep calm. As my mum would say let his remarks go in one ear and out the other (not sure this translates very well). In the meantime, I am keeping fingers crossed that this may have been your month after all. There are another 4 days to hope, right?

Hope the Christmas preparations are in full swing. As we can't get pregnant this cycle, at least I am enjoying the mulled wine :)

Glad you are feeling better! As we all know on here, the TTC can feel like a long, hard slog especially when you feel like you're doing all you can. I too would have loved to be PG by Christmas, but don't think it will happen; that also gives me no excuse for not starting a healthy eating & exercise plan in January!! I'd like to lose a stone or so, I'm just overweight for my height but not by very much, so it's not like that's a reason for things not happening.....

Men are odd aren't they?! My OH would love kids, absolutely love them, but when I say "it would be sensible for you to have a sperm test JUST IN CASE there's an issue" - he won't do it. Grrrrrr. I've tried explaining that it would be better to learn about it sooner rather than later and that IF there is an issue, we can get help anyway, but I think I'll have to be a bit more cunning and work out how he can put the idea forward as if it's his own. He's far more likely to co-operate then ;)

Mulled wine, cracking idea! Enjoy!! xx