How hard is it having three?

[99redballoons]

We are so lucky to have beautiful ds, almost 3, and dd, 7 months. I think dh is quite happy with two. He himself is one of two boys. I come from a family of three.

It's such a hard decision, trying for a third. I know I'm for it more than dh, but I think he secretly would love a third if it meant we could afford to have three. At the moment it's a case of do we let our heads or our hearts rule over this one. We are only just surviving on one income at the moment and I'm not sure if having three will be fair on ds & dd in the long run. But then I say to dh that I will be working again once the kids are at school and hopefully it won't always be such a struggle.

I guess we're also thinking about how physically demanding life will be. We were both so very tired when I was pg with dd. I can't imagine coping with two lo's when pg again. However, it doesn't seem as daunting this time round as we've survived the first six months of sleepless nights and are starting to get full nights again. Have started to learn how to juggle things with two of them so surely juggling three isn't that much harder??

Sorry, starting to ramble. I guess what I'm asking is how much more of a strain financially and physically is it going from two to three? How many years down the line does it not feel such a struggle?

My mum said the first six years are the hardest, when the last finally leaves babydom and enters toddlerhood. She also said the teenage years were quite hard financially as you're paying adult prices for clothes, shoes etc. and needing the next size up each year as the kids are still growing. She would love us to have three, but she's biased as she had three! ARrgh, decisions decisions!!

My ds is only 10 months but we still can't decide to go for 3 or not. I think 2. DH thinks 3. But if I had one of each like you do now- I say if it aint broke don't fix it. I think I would stay put. Dh's cousin has 3 lo's and I think how expensive uni could be. I worked in the public sector and I saw a big difference between the families who had 2 kids and those who had 3, and what they could afford (financially and emotionally) to do. And I also found it didn't really depend on them having good jobs. I think you do live to your means, and you will always get the bills paid, but if it means certain things will have to be forfeited because of the cost, I think I would stick to 2. Sorry if this doesn't help. Hope it does though. Only you can make than decision (with a little help from Dh of course!) but I think if in you rheart you do want 3 and some one says go for 2, it will make you decide. Vise versa too.

For me the worst thing was the tiredness during DS3's first year. It was okay while I was on maternity leave, but once I came back to work I really thought I was going to die, or crack up. It was only mn that kept me going!

In the end, when he was about 11 months I just had to stop picking him up at night and bringing him into bed and feeding him - DH started going in to him and doing the "shush and pat" thing.

Since getting more sleep, having three has been fine. They all really love each other and interact well.

I loved having three, DS3 just slotted in the family and the others adored him. It helped that I had him before DS1 started school though so when on mat leave we didn't need to rush out the door, but just had to wander round to playgroup any old time (more or less!), I found the transition to 4 much harder mainly because both DS1 and 2 were at school so had to be up and ready from when DS4 was about 4 days old
I do think a main concern is money - no more fitting in 1 hotel room, 1 cabin on a ferry stuff like that, but it wonderful watching them grow up together, and mostly play very well with each other - i'd go for it

Hi 99,
sorry i don't have many answers, but just like you I can't stop thinking about having a third baby. I'd love to have another one and surely I'm more for it than my hsuband is. But 'm so scared. Scared I won't be patient enough, scared I'm too old, scared about baby's health, scared about the financial aspect, scared about everything really. Sorry, that wasn't much help, was it? I suppose that if we were living in our country of origin where our family and friends live it'd be easier for us to go on and have another one. Does your mum live near you and is she willing to help?

I have 3 and although having 3 is great, it is hard work and I think it does make a difference to family life. For one, DH and I are now out numbered! Its a decision only you and your DH can make. Some people say 'the more the merrier'. Depends on your outlook. I find that it is harder for DH and I to do stuff for 'us' if that makes sense. Life just seems to be kids stuff, kids stuff and more kids stuff. Plus we dont have family nearby to help us.

I suppose you have to weigh up the pros and cons. I look at families with 2 kids and think they manage to do more stuff as a couple and/or outings with the kids - you know, more adventurous stuff like, rock climbing and go carting etc etc. Its harder with 3, especially when the 3rd is a toddler dragging along behind. Sorry, rambling now!!!....

I love having three but it is a lot different to how I thought it would be - ds2 has grown up so quickly compared to the other two.

I agree with dinosaure on the sleep thing too. I have never been more tired as I have been in the last 11 months.

There are heaps of compromises too, especially with regards to things like holidays and restaurant tables - stuff we used to take for granted! The family dynamic more than makes up for all of this though and I wouldn't change ds2 for the world .

I think having one of each is a red herring. Children aren't a commodity, that you get the right amount or ballance of. I have one of each, and it didn't stop me from going for no3 (though after no2 was born many people said to my face 'now that you have one of each, you won't be having any more'). I would want more even if Ihad all boys or all girls. I would love to have more than 3, but feel that I have to call a halt at some point, because I am 40 and don't want to inflict an elderly mum on my children - I'm old enough as it is! That said, had dh decided that he wanted to stick with 2 I would have grieved a while, mourned my lost opportunities, and then got on with being happy and fulfilled with my lot.

Thanks for the comments. It has been very hard when both baby and toddler have been ill and those first few months of unsettlement when the new one arrives. But then I keep saying to myself that it'll just be for another couple of years (!!) and not to base our decision on the tiredness those years will bring.

How hard has it been in general, keeping the house orderly (ie. behaved), going out on family days out, holidays etc? How bad is it really when they're all ill? Also I guess maybe a bigger house and car?

I guess you will always think you don't have enough money, but it is such a factor in this decision. I really don't want the kids to miss out.

Gosh, lots more posts in the time I've been typing! Will hurry up and read the others!

In terms of the practicalities, we don't have a car anyway, so we didn't have to think about getting a bigger one! And DS1 and DS2 already shared a bedroom before DS3 came along, so that was okay (we live in a three-bedroomed house).

More difficult than it is having two

I have three under five and my house is a tip. I think the chores go up massively with three children. There seems never ending ironing, tidying, meals to cook. Days out are O.K unless you want to do something remotely dangerous e.g swimming. there aren't enough adults when the children are little to make it safe.
We haven't found it a strain financially although I've given up work for the time being. I think what the kids miss out on is time with you as I'm so busy doing chores. I like to think it makes them more creative though .

I love having 3.
DH and I both work full time and are very thrifty (+ mean lol) so money not a prob atm.
Agree re future poss further education, start saving now!
I would have four were it not for my age and other factors, so 3 can't be that bad.
I've posted this before but I love the dynamic of 3, everyone always has a playmate, and how they interract.
I have DS1, DD, DS2 btw. Lots of people will wonder with "one of each" why you want a 3rd - like the only "correct" family is a boy and a girl. This may or may not annoy you (it annoyed me lol )

I've found it very difficult, but ds1 is severely autistic so its like having a 7 year old baby (he can't talk)- and a badly behaved one at that, and then a 4 year old and 17 month old on top.

Having said that ds3 is now beginning to get more independent, he now walks well. runs, is as safe as any child on the stairs and is beginning to repond to instructions (so I can do more from afar iyswim). And I think it's getting a little bit easier.

Financially- I'm not sure it made that much difference. We would have had to change cars (which would have been a problem) but then ds1 was awarded higher rate motability so we were able to get a car that way, and I made sure I got one big enough for the 3. DS3 will start nursery one day a week in September so that will be more expensive.

Physically- yes- but a lot of the physical stuff now is really dealing with ds1, and that would have happened anyway.

Mind you since having ds3, I've also started an MSc and work part time (from home) so maybe it has given me more energy :o

I do like having 3- and dh loves it- he loves calling the 3 boys and having the 3 of them trot out to the car.....

Oh 99, read yr other post now.
We had to buy a Picasso to get 3 car seats in the back. We live in a 3-bed semi. It's very full but basically fine.
Hols - we have to hire a bigger cottage but it's not a major problem. I mean all these things are well worth it when i see DS2's gorgeous face...
Mine are rarely ill thank goodness and we go on days out all the time. I or DH frequently go out with all 3 and only one parent - it's jst fine, I promise! remember that the oldest is able to help - it's not like you've got 3 toddlers.
I see prettycandles agrees with me about 1 boy, 1 girl!

hi

my mum is the second of three children and she hated it. she said that she suffered from "middle child syndrome". Basically the theory is that the eldest child has a special place because he/she is the first born, and the youngest is the baby, but the middle one doesn't really fit in anywhere. she really felt she was left out as a child

I've got three.
Holidays,days out (family tickets are usually 2+2)etc are more expensive.Ummm,well actually everything is more expensive but you compromise.
Housework and tidying doesn't seem worse to me,no problem cooking one more meal.
Everything else you just kind of get used to,like going from one to two really,but more so.

No,middle child syndrome here either.I've got the big one,the little one and the extra special lucky one.
We told him he was so lucky because when it's a treat for the big kids,he gets to be a big kid,when it's a treat for the little kids he gets to be a little kid,how fantastic is that?The best of both worlds!

In reality,i try to make all my children feel special and unique regardless of birth order.Seems to be working so far.

I can't take all 3 boys out alone, but can manage 3 with one helper. (but see my situation below). We don't really do holidays with all 3- we may try a few days later in the year- but that's not financial that;s just the difficulties of taking ds1 away. We do try and take the younger 2 away for a week, and we may try a few days at the end of August in the UK.

House is more of a pit, but I am working/studying in the evening. House was a pit with 2 anyway.

ha ha ha

oh how I love having three from 3.30 onwards when the baby cries constantly and the other dds want me/stuff/food/barbie dressing/paddling pool filled/snacks/roller skates done up/bums wiped

hardest things for us with having 3 were looking after 3 very young children on our own, we did have 3 in 4 years so quite close together (it's ok when we're both around). The safety issues of going out alone with toddlers and babies romping all over the place was a bit scary. I kept losing children (temporarily) all over the place at the beginning.

also the laundry and housework. there's too much of it.

I do like having 3. just haven't always found it easy. can't really understand the people who say a 3rd just "fits in".

We can highly recommend 3, but would say it was almost as life-changing as going from no kids to one. Trying to do school runs/nursery runs with a baby etc is not easy when you're carrying the baby and only have one hand left for the road crossing. It made ds1 grow up v quickly. I agree with Poppiesinaline as far as feeling restricted with activities because dd at 18months cant quite keep up with 5.5 and 4yo boys. And then the boys miss out on the mummy time because I'm having to help dd so much. But they have each other and love being a little team and adore their sister so, no, I wouldnt change it. Would love more help with the house maintenance though (ironing, cleaning, gardening etc), that's one thing with more money I would do, just to have more quality time playing with the kids. But then that's my hang up with wanting a tidy, well organised home!!

:) oh girls, you do say it how it is don't you! This is exactly what we needed to hear! Thanks so much for all the posts.

Yes, we too got (and still get) the 'one of each no need to have any more' comments, but it doesn't stop you from wanting more!!

We have mil nearby, but my parents live 2hrs drive away :( That doesn't really affect the decision though (I say that now with only two!!:o)

I'm the middle child and did get a bit envious when my brother and sis went off to play obviously leaving me out, but it's only as an adult that my bruv said he was envious of my sis & I as we did lots of girls stuff together and he felt he was left out! So I guess any child will feel left out at some point in a larger family for their own reasons.

So much to think about...! Would still love to hear from anyone else. :)

Now you see I really did find ds2 just slotted in. But I did keep some childcare going for the other 2 (I was lucky enough to be able to) for when I was on mat leave with ds2 which made it easier. My top tip for the school/nursery run was to use a sling - I would get all 3 children out of the car (we had to drive to our nursery school in town) and pop ds2 in the sling (a baby bjorn) so giving me two hands for the (nearly) 2yo and (nearly) 4yo. In fact ds2 lived in that sling for his first 6 mo!
On the middle child thing, my DD is the middle one so she's the only girl, and very much her own person anyway, so I'm not too worried about that.
I am the middle child and the 2nd girl so it was harder for me, but that could be true with any family about 1 child!